I still can't quite believe it.

She's dead.

I don't have to be scared anymore.

Ever again.

I can't believe my luck. I thought she would out live me.

I thought she would out mean me, that I wouldn't be able to carry on with grace much longer, that I would become her meanness to protect my soul.

I think of MelodyLane the same way -- someone who is determined to extract the greatest amount of misery out of everyone she encounters. Determined to hurt people to make a mark, to hurt for the sake of hurting because that's easy to do.

I'm giddy.

I'm happy. Happier than I can ever remember being in my life.

I'm also incredibly, weirdly tired. I sleep 10-12 hours a night.

But when my anxiety accelerator reaches out for what is wrong -- and there's a lot still wrong -- it doesn't have the usual, "I have to call that woman tonight."

Because she is dead. Did I mention that?


Bidden or not bidden God is present.