My father died in front of my eyes and two things happened:
1. I felt nothing. I cried when he was dying but when he died I was very much, "why are you all standing around this dead person?" I still feel nothing. He died. That's what 100% of people do. There's nothing to it as far as I could tell. They pump you full of morphine and take away your oxygen and you die. You get to make the decisions that lead to that outcome before hand.
2. I lost my faith. Like in an instant. Daddy was there and he died and I thought that's it, and stopped believing in anything. I still go through the motions but I don't believe a bit of it. I told my husband this and he asked how that made me feel, and I said
Grabby. It makes me want to grab whatever I can right now. NOW. As far as I can tell there is never any accountability for bad behavior. Our President positively rolls in this new ethical construct.
I went from the moral construct of the Abrahamic religious traditions to "I have no idea what guides me" in 3.2 seconds.
I am trying really hard to follow your thought process on #2. It seems as if you are saying your belief was strongly and maybe completely tied to your relationship with your father.
As far as # 1....well, I love Orchids reference to Kind David's reaction to the death of his child. You do what you can while you can....then when it is over you get up and move on with the practical things.