My father died in front of my eyes and two things happened:

1. I felt nothing. I cried when he was dying but when he died I was very much, "why are you all standing around this dead person?" I still feel nothing. He died. That's what 100% of people do. There's nothing to it as far as I could tell. They pump you full of morphine and take away your oxygen and you die. You get to make the decisions that lead to that outcome before hand.

2. I lost my faith. Like in an instant. Daddy was there and he died and I thought that's it, and stopped believing in anything. I still go through the motions but I don't believe a bit of it. I told my husband this and he asked how that made me feel, and I said

Grabby. It makes me want to grab whatever I can right now. NOW. As far as I can tell there is never any accountability for bad behavior. Our President positively rolls in this new ethical construct.

I went from the moral construct of the Abrahamic religious traditions to "I have no idea what guides me" in 3.2 seconds.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.