The process of .... processing is time consuming. It takes as long as it takes. Surprisingly long really.
There are elements of my grief that I think I'm still processing almost 30 years later. Which seems insane when I see it written like that. Wtf is wrong with me? But as I grow as a person, I have to deal with certain parts of the loss in a whole different way. Because I'm different. So as life rolls over you, and changes you, it means that you get to yack up your grief again and muck about with it. The only thing I can say about this is that it does seem to get less raw over time. Which is a blessing.
So take your time. Let life roll over you and roll the edges of your grief smoother like a river stone. It will still be dark, and heavy. But it won't be so sharp, and you'll find you can carry it without it cutting you to bits.
You're as strong and clever as I am, at least, probably more. So I know you'll get there in time too.
Still processing my friends death almost 30 years later.