When you say to yourself, "this is the worst thing I have ever been through" you are begging the gods to prove you wrong.

This is, in fact, the worst thing I have ever been through. When my daughter went on suicide watch, I knew she was safe. When John killed himself, well.....he was dead.

But my brother is still alive, barely, and the fear OMG the FEAR is eating me alive.

He's fractionally better today. They may start weaning him from the drug that makes him paralyzed tomorrow. Maybe.

I CAN'T leave until he wakes up -- I just CAN'T. My husband doesn't understand that. He thinks that as soon as my brother is on the mend (assuming this trend continues) I should go home but I just CAN'T. I have to look in his blue eyes and see him there.

I can only do what I can do and I can't leave my brother until he is awake. Maybe that makes me all the things my husband says I am -- a guilt driven irrational reactive woman -- but if so that's just who I am.

I wish that he saw that those same characteristics will inure to his benefit as we age and he may have health problems, but at the moment all he can do is label me and dismiss me.

But this is my BROTHER. I just can't leave him. I just can't. Maybe I'm wrong but I just can't.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.