We have a deal hold.

This isn't getting any easier.

But I see how the seeds of depression have run through my family. My great aunt Heinie (yes, that was her name) had a child I never knew named, I think, Sydney, who killed himself. We never talked about it.

My mother to this day refuses to believe that depression is an actual illness. My husband came on board less than 10 years ago, and now at every twitch of my emotional self he inquires as to whether I am taking my medications.

Honestly, I can't miss a single day without consequences.

It will be interesting (!) to me to see what happens to me under Trumpcare. I am a walking pre-existing condition nightmare whilst at the same time being incredibly active and healthy for a 56 year old woman. I'm on the borderline of too thin, I walk 7-8 miles a day with my dogs, my diet never varies far from the earth and I'm medication compliant.

I've had medication controlled hypertension since the birth of my third child 22 years ago -- pregnancy induced hypertension that never went away. I got the lottery card for breast cancer, and I have depression, not to mention the weird ass throat infections I got last summer.

Yet I feel SO GUILTY that I've cost my family so much money ($42K for the cancer, 12K for the throat) while at the same time I can't figure out what I could have done about it.

I feel like screaming at the Republicans that I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I raised my children at zero cost to society to be educated and contributing members.

I just want to feel safe, and I am SO unsafe under this administration. They have targeted people between the ages of 50 and 65 in the individual markets to screw. We can't pay $6K a month in health insurance so ......???????

Bidden or not bidden God is present.