What would be the labels? I feel your actions AND those of your husband are dysfunctional. Is there a label in that honest assessment?
A blog might be a better idea. It appears as though you are only looking to post gripes about your husband. THAT I can understand. I was under the impression that this site is here to offer help towards recovery...marital or personal.
If you would prefer that I just parrot your concerns back to you...and say, yes, I understand, he is a cad...please make that clear. From this vantage point, you both have a lot of work to do before you have earned the right to break up the home of your children. If you no longer want my advice or observations, please say so. I am taking time out of my day in order to help you see things that you may not want to...or are unable to see.
MEDC asked me to check in on this thread to see if I could offer some perspective ... although I'm not sure why, since I mainly confine my postings to BH/WW scenarios.
I've read most of this thread and some of your blog and I suppose I see things basically as MEDC does also. Please understand that my approach is often blunt ... not to be cruel ... its just the way I write and speak in person. I deal primarily in problem/conflict resolution and have found that being politically correct is often misinterpreted, so I am forced to speak and write plainly to avoid confusion.
Honestly, I have no idea why you remain married ... neither of you appear happy or fulfilled ... unless it is to continue punishing you BOTH for your equally bad choices. MEDC is much more child oriented than I, and he sees value in keeping a stable home for the children ... whereas I lean more towards it being better on the children to have two relatively sane and seperate parents, than existing in the middle of a toxic union.
I have known women, and a couple of men, who just seem to crave negativity ... so attracted to misery, that if it is absent, they CREATE it. I get the impression that you are like a cat ... just waiting for your H to say or do anything you can pounce on and twist into DRAMA ... and in turn, he just wants to retreat into a shell of isolationism. Then you get the opportunity to commiserate with other like minded women and feed off of each other. Its a vicious circle of attack and retreat and rehash, then rinse and repeat.
So while I may have made some observations ... I don't have any answers ... as you seem to be exactly where you want to be or you would change and if this has been going on in one form or another for 22 years ... I don't see much hope for "change". You are simply living your life as you CHOOSE to live it.