I do blame myself for a lot of it though...even though it's in the past and I can't change it. I fell in love with him for all the wrong reasons.
I see a few similarities in our situation starting with getting together for all the wrong reasons. For me, I was afraid I'd be left behind....I was alone at 19 and never had had a boyfriend. DH was the first to show attention to me. This sounds hard to believe but I married him without falling in love with him due to my fear of 'becoming an old maid' like my mom had described a little old lady down the street.
This morning I did ask my DH 'after 4 D-Days, why did you choose to change?' He said many things but the most important was that he saw that I meant business and that I did NOT need him. That made him not only want to stay with me but it convinced him to make the 180 degree changes and "do anything to help me heal." H also said that he was the X factor
....that his collection of life experiences made him operate the way he did. It most likely would be different for every other guy. FWIW, we had been reading MB books but did not yet know about the forums.
Alcoholism was NOT a part of our scenario. That's where the similarity stops. But the gaslighting and badgering each other for 32 years was nearly as bad. He did get depressed when he was fired from his 30+ year career but he 'found OW' when he was supposed to be looking for jobs online (whlle I was working 3 jobs and caring for his ailing mother.)
Did you ever read my story when you had access to MB? Let me know and it will give me an idea of where to start. Sorry it's so late and I can't write more now but I promise I'll be back.
ETA: I posted the above late last night before I saw/read your other thread on the other forum. I won't have time to read/reply until the weekend.