Medc, I do understand your viewpoint on all this. But you clearly don't understand hers. Everything you describe is totally logical for a person who shows signs of wanting to engage in a healthy relationship. But when you have spent 10, 20, or 30 years with someone like her husband, or mine, it isn't that simple. Or logical.
You say you communicated with her a lot so you have a better handle on what her husband is going through. Good for you for getting his side. And I'm the first person to tell OH - as she will attest - to get off her butt and change things on her end. But I will posit that you are falling far short of getting 'her' side. You keep telling her that SHE should be putting more effort in, SHE should not be abandoning him due to his illness, SHE should be less touchy.
For a myriad of reasons you nor I are privy to, their relationship is sick. And logical, simple solutions may not be the best solution for OH. Depression or not, he has seriously harmed her.
ETA: This is OH's thread, not mine, so I will stop TJing it.