"The current pandemic may be putting couples at increased risk for experiencing infidelity. While we do not yet have definitive statistics on the rates of infidelity in this era, studies show that individuals across the United States are experiencing significantly high levels of stress in response to the pandemic, which is common during an infectious disease outbreak like this one "

Article here

Welcome back, Queenie! Delighted you’ve discovered MA is up and running without scary messages.

Time for a revisit I guess

Bumpies

You're right, it does.



Yes it is.

How are you, Mimi?

Ace

Hi Guys,

Hope all is well. Why did I choose this name, because G-d lead me to it. When life happened, it was G-d who created a new me and it just seemed to fit perfectly as queenie was on the adventures of life. I grew up here, I became a woman of G-d and I walked in faith, till to this day.

Hugs,
Queenie

That is a good point, Blair, to enjoy the journey.

I probably enjoy that more than whatever my hair looks like. I’m pretty conservative by nature so it’s interesting to track my journey post divorce by the stages of hair changes.

Interesting article. Thank you for sharing it.

POJA isn't really a negotiating tool and can't resolve conflicts. It's intended to be a a way to avoid taking actions that lead to resentment and is meant to prevent one sided compromise. You get what you want and I get what I don't want, even if I get to be selfish at a later date.

Couples tend to seek compromise by trading something one wants in exchange for the other getting something in return. The problem is that it seldom actually works that way in real life. What actually happens is that one ends up being hurt while the other "wins." Even if the reverse takes place later, the score might be even but both have been hurt or have sacrificed something and resentment is the typical result.

When both are working from the same dynamic, not wanting to win at the other's expense and so damaging the relationship, then POJA can be applied to find a win-win answer to the question at hand. If either would rather win than avoid hurting the other, then POJA has zero chance of success.

What it can do is really little more than reminding both to avoid Independent Behavior. IB isn't doing things by yourself or on your own and it isn't simply failing to check in with each other before doing everything. It is rather doing things as if it doesn't affect your spouse or more often, as if your spouse doesn't matter. If POJA is too restrictive it's likely the relationship is already in trouble. If one is controlling or must win at the expense of the other, there are probably other things that are broken.

It helps to remember the context in which POJA was developed, that is, affair proofing the marriage. In that context it is supposed to prevent either spouse from doing things in secret that make an affair more likely (secretive double life sort of things.) It isn't designed to negotiate what car to buy but if you buy a car on your own and your spouse hates the car, you probably need to look at why you thought that was a good idea in the first place.

Compromise isn't a bad thing if both get something, which is the heart of seeking win-win. If both spouses are only seeking self gratification, it's because the relationship is already damaged (or never really built up.)

Again, context matters in Harley's model. His premise is that when we feel connected and satisfied with the state of the marriage, we negotiate in good faith and want our spouse to be happy. If we are dissatisfied but still connected, we are unwilling to give in because we only want our own satisfaction. The worst case is no longer feeling connected because then the second you feel connected, you want more to be satisfied. Harley's terms are Intimacy(connected and satisfied), Conflict (connected by dissatisfied) and withdrawal (Disconnected) POJA really only works in Intimacy when you feel connected and want to make your spouse happy. It's a way to stay that way instead of a path to getting there.

I gained a bunch of weight, sort of from Covid, mostly by being in a bad mood for several months. I have lost some of that, really need to lose more but I am not being very well behaved with type of food or quantity. I intermittant fast fairly regularly - 3 to 4 times a week, but since I usually just each rubbish during my window, its a bit self defeating

I know if you click on your user name on the mobile, it'll bring up whose online, and a bunch if stuff, but not the new members info

We have so much to offer people who are now walking the infidelity path. So many of us who recovered here, did it with the support of those who went before us. We owe it to them to keep the support chain going.

Good to see some folks who’ve not been around in a while...like YOU, Lil.

I know this quote is 5 years old but we have experienced "my pillow" for a few years now and they work well for me and my family.



Star, it would be great if you revisited completing and publishing this.