I sincerely believe she had narcissistic personality disorder so personal growth wasn't in the cards for her, but was that my decision to make?
What difference does it make how you behave in a relationship that is entirely fake?
You can't be in a authentic relationship with a person you aren't allowed to disagree with. Your mother did not tolerate disagreement, so your mother did not care to know the real you, ergo it was not an authentic relationship.
So, what difference does it make how you acted in a fake relationship? Is acting fake in a fake relationship suddenly a mortal sin, even when forced to act that way?
...My personal test will come tonight; DH has made steps that tell me he is going to want to have sex tonight. Yet he still hasn't found the two things I can sell, hasn't fixed the garage door opener, hasn't done much of anything around the house except make a box to put around DD's baby shower present (shower is tomorrow) so I can wrap it. So I'm like do I stand up for myself and risk wrath or let him give me a massage (my prerequisite before sex these days, as I'm in so much pain all the time)?
Cat, I realize my comment is too late for this latest dilemma.
I see you waffling once again when it comes to your own stuckness. Why?
You have great clarity in recognizing and responding FIRMLY to boundary issues when it comes to advising others on this forum. But...when it comes to your own situation, well, you simply melt into a puddle. It is as if you have two different personalities inside of you.
I am thinking specifically about your excellent obervations and advice to Obl. However, when it comes to execution, Obl has it all over you. He KNOWS what his issues are, and he takes active measures to address them.
You are in a far worse circumstance than he, both emotionally and financially, yet are stuck in wimpy waffling.
Seeking validation for your uncertainty or insecurity won't get you anywhere but to validate that it's okay to waffle (which is a major form of avoidance). Avoidance of what? Of enforcing your own boundaries, instead of constantly negotiating affirmation of your ambivalence and lack of power.
Come on, you KNOW what to do. Till you do it, you will be playing this fiddle forever. Maybe that is your true goal. There is no half-way.
We hope you find our board to be a useful place to exchange ideas, and to seek support for your marriage, especially if your marriage is in crisis. Our members are made up of men and women working cooperatively to improve, build, or rebuild our marriages. Some have just begun, others have many years of wisdom and experience.
If your marriage is in trouble and you need support, check out our support forums. We have several forums, figure out whichever fits your situation best, and start posting!
Our support forums are not the same as professional counseling or coaching, and are not meant to take their place. When you need support and encouragement - or a friendly voice to give you advice - we are here. Many of us have been where you are now and understand how alone you may feel... and we are here to support you.
We also have forums to discuss and review the various books, websites and marriage programs that are out there today. Our members are available to share what they know about the resources that are out there.
A great place to start is our Articles section here
* Please do not spam or grossly self-promote in these forums. If you have a blog to share, by all means, link to it in your signature. If you have written an article appropriate to a particular topic, please let us know.
* Please do not use this venue to drum up business for your goods or services.
Smashed phones - not your problem. Ok, to acknowledge it as a bad thing but that's it.
SS's graduation - that's a feat that should have positive acknowledgement and encouragement. He needs that right now.
OS getting engaged - depending on how you feel about it, if he's old enough to get engaged, he should be old enough to take care of all that entails. If that's what is happening, then showing some encouragement is a good thing. Otherwise he may expect you both to fix it.
Per Wunderground.com: Flash Flood Watch until SAT 7:00 PM CDT ...FLASH FLOOD WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT THROUGH 7 PM TODAY... The Flash Flood Watch continues for * Portions of Arkansas, Louisiana, and Texas.......
To our MA ohana in those regions,
Please let us know how you are dong. Please be safe.
I just got this from my cousin. Our family eats asparagus on a regular basis. Yes, it can be an expensive veggie but I think it is worth it in reasonable amounts.
Want to share this with you all.
Subject: Asparagus DO NOT FAIL TO READ THIS AND SEND TO YOUR FAMILY &FRIENDS When I was in the USN, I was stationed in Key West, FL. I worked at the clinic at Naval Air Station on Big Coppitt Key just a few miles north of Key West. The hospital at Key West was for out- patients only, for retired armed forces personnel that lived in the area. If you needed to be hospitalized you were sent to Homestead AFB Florida. I had the day off and just went inside the hospital (Corpman barracks were next to hospital). There was a retired Navy man that worked in the lab and he was very interesting gentleman to talk with. He was a retired biochemist from the USN. He asked me what was going on that day,and I said I had the day off. I wish I was working, as the crew on, today was taking a sailor to Homestead as he had a very bad kidney infection. Now this elderly gent told me the man should have eaten more asparagus, and he wouldn't have that problem. I asked why? I'll never forget him saying, do you eat asparagus? and I said yes, I love them. He replied you notice how your urine stinks after eating asparagus? I said well I never thought it was what I ate but yes it does have a pungent odor. He said, It is because it is detoxifying your body of harmful chemicals!!! This was back in 1986 when I was stationed there and to read this email again I had to share this story...Eat more asparagus, my friends. Asparagus -- Who knew?
My Mom had been taking the full-stalk canned style asparagus, pureed it and took 4 tablespoons in the morning and 4 tablespoons later in the day. She did this for over a month. She is on chemo pills for Stage 3 lung cancer in the pleural area and her cancer cell count went from 386 down to 125 as of this past week. Her oncologist said she will not need to see him for 3 months.
THE ARTICLE: Several years ago I met a man seeking asparagus for a friend who had cancer. He gave me a copy of an article, entitled "Asparagus For Cancer" printed in the Cancer News Journal, December 1979. I will share it here, just as it was shared with me: I am a biochemist, and have specialized in the relation of diet to health for over 50 years. Several years ago, I learned of the discovery of Richard R. Vensal, D.D.S. that asparagus might cure cancer. Since then, I have worked with him on his project. We have accumulated a number of favorable case histories. Here are a few examples:
Case No. 1, A man with an almost hopeless case of Hodgkin's disease (cancer of the lymph glands) who was completely incapacitated. Within 1 year of starting the asparagus therapy, his doctors were unable to detect any signs of cancer, and he was back on a schedule of strenuous exercise
Case No. 2, A successful businessman, 68 years old, suffered from cancer of the bladder for 16 years. After years of medical treatments, including radiation without improvement, he began taking asparagus. Within 3 months, examinations revealed that his bladder tumor had disappeared and that his kidneys were normal.
Case No. 3, On March 5th 1971, a man who had lung cancer was put on the operating table where they found lung cancer so widely spread that it was inoperable. The surgeon sewed him up and declared his case hopeless. On April 5th he heard about the Asparagus therapy and immediately started taking it. By August, x-ray pictures revealed that all signs of the cancer had disappeared. He is now back at his regular business routine.
Case No. 4, A woman had been troubled for a number of years with skin cancer. She developed different skin cancers which were diagnosed by the acting specialist as advanced. Within 3 months after beginning asparagus therapy, the skin specialist said her skin looked fine with no more skin lesions. This woman reported that the asparagus therapy also cured her kidney disease, which had started in 1949. She had over 10 operations for kidney stones, and was receiving government disability payments for an inoperable, terminal, kidney condition. She attributes the cure of this kidney trouble entirely to the asparagus treatment.
I was not surprised at this result as `The elements of materia medica', edited in 1854 by a Professor at the University of Pennsylvania, stated that asparagus was used as a popular remedy for kidney stones. He even referred to experiments, in 1739, on the power of asparagus in dissolving stones. Note the dates! ---We would have other case histories but the medical establishment has interfered with our obtaining some of the records. I am therefore appealing to readers to spread this good news and help us to gather a large number of case histories that will overwhelm the medical skeptics about this unbelievably simple and natural remedy.
For the treatment, asparagus should be cooked before using. Fresh or canned asparagus can be used. I have corresponded with the two leading canners of asparagus, Giant and Stokely, and I am satisfied that these brands contain no pesticides or preservatives. Place the cooked asparagus in a blender and liquefy to make a puree. Store in the refrigerator. Give the patient 4 full tablespoons twice daily, morning and evening. Patients usually show some improvement in 2-4 weeks. It can be diluted with water and used as a cold or hot drink. This suggested dosage is based on present experience, but certainly larger amounts can do no harm and may be needed in some cases.
As a biochemist I am convinced of the old saying that `what cures can prevent.' Based on this theory, my wife and I have been using asparagus puree as a beverage with our meals. We take 2 tablespoons diluted in water to suit our taste with breakfast and with dinner. I take mine hot and my wife prefers hers cold. For years we have made it a practice to have blood surveys taken as part of our regular checkups. The last blood survey, taken by a medical doctor who specializes in the nutritional approach to health, showed substantial improvements in all categories over the last one, and we can attribute these improvements to nothing but the asparagus drink. As a biochemist, I have made an extensive study of all aspects of cancer, and all of the proposed cures. As a result, I am convinced that asparagus fits in better with the latest theories about cancer.
Asparagus contains a good supply of protein called histones, which are believed to be active in controlling cell growth. For that reason, I believe asparagus can be said to contain a substance that I call cell growth normalizer. That accounts for its action on cancer and in acting as a general body tonic. In any event, regardless of theory, asparagus used as we suggest, is a harmless substance. The FDA cannot prevent you from using it and it may do you much good. It has been reported by the US National Cancer Institute, that asparagus is the highest tested food containing glutathione, which is considered one of the body's most potent anticarcinogens and antioxidants.
Just a side note... In case you are wondering why this has not been made public, there is no profit in curing cancer.
Hospice nurses and their staff are definitely a blessing. I have dealt with them for my mom, aunties and grandmothers.
As for the family, the 2 BILs still speaking to me got taking care of FIL's case dumped on them by eldest SIL. WSt is trying to help and I hope he can work with his brothers to help finalize taking care of his dad.
So BILs and I brainstormed a bit so they are formulating a plan moving forward. FIL finally sees the light of why us pushing his paperwork to get done was do important. Those games he played pitting one against the other all those years is taking a toll. Seem his $$$ running out is showing the real intend of the greedy ones. It is sad to know those siblings are showing their true colors.
I have updated WSt and our son so they know what is going on. The 2 BILs are reasonable. One is a single dad and the one who lives the closest. Other BIL is in another state far away. The other siblings who are also close most have hidden agendas and for the most part not trustworthy. It's sad because it didn't have to turn out this way.
As you know my family is a state and an ocean away but the internet and phone keeps me current.
Very impressive! You two seem to have done more learning and growing than most people I've seen. Especially that part about showing him the pictures of you and what you still accomplished. Men very easily take women for granted cos of their mothers, so good job. High hopes for you.
You are already paying it forward. Your thread when read gives a good road map to those who feel lost in this journey. Some take a long time, others travel down this same road faster and stronger. Each person has to set a pace that works. Moving too fast is not safe, neither is moving too slow or not at all. So balance and pacing one's self is important.
Yes, we share some of our stories primarily as a tool to help others learn what may come their way. Some of our experiences are hilarious upon reflection and how we endured that along with other events is well, mind blowing in many instances.
I appreciate that you see value in being on MA. Paying it forward is something we all can do in a variety of ways.
I sense that one day when you are both tired of this distance game, that it may result in an eventual split. For WSt and I, it hit a turning point, where I no longer cared.
I know myself and when I get to that point about something, someone or a cause, that letting go is what I do. I give my best up front and if it's not good enough for the person, something or cause, then I may try for a bit but will eventually let go. I know this about myself and I warned WSt many years ago not to take me to that place in my soul.
As a WS and even as an H of sorts, he gleefully did it. Well that just wore me out. He knows this because I warned him. It is who I am and I won't fight that. I may make exceptions, for example if the offender shows genuine remorse and apologizes then lives a better life, I can forgive. What I won't do is forgive just for the sake of forgiving that allows the offender to have me enable further bad behavior. That is why I will end an R or stop working on a cause.
The hardest part is to be able to recognize genuine forgiveness and reestablish an R or reenter a cause. The guidance for me is to look to the examples and principals I have learned from the Bible and pattern my decisions in accord to what is reasonable and balanced. I am not a fanatic. Never have been. Too logical of a mindset to go down that road but I do work hard at being reasonable and balanced.
So while most folks thinks letting go is hard (and it is), it is harder to live with one's distressed or guilt ridden conscience unless one doesn't care who they hurt or how.
Sadly, I have learned that there are many who put their own selfishness ahead of having empathy and care for others. Many say they follow 'the golden rule': “all things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must do to them and what is known as the 2nd greatest commandment: ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.’ But their actions betray such ones (aka: hypocrites).
When such actions (to be a hypocrite - say one thing and do another), others can tell. So in my case, once I idd my best, acknowledged that I could do no more for our M, I did make the decision to separate. My conscience is clear that I did my best. I refused to continue to enable my H as a WSt and that separating was a necessary thing. As long as he remained as a WSt (even if there was no PA but still manifesting his WS traits), then our M could not survive. The abuse to our family was too great to keep him in it.
My opinion is that your M is not at that point but if your tolerance level is not in a secure place with your W, you both may need to seek help on how to improve it to save your M.