Marriage Advocates

looking for some support

Posted By: heartbroken

looking for some support - 09/04/10 05:27 PM

I just discovered that my husband of three years together for four has been talking with other women online. he also was sending intamate emails with a few girls he works with and belongs to several websites looking for casual sex and a discreet relationship. It turns out that he has been doing this since before we got married and he hasnt fully been honest. He has only admitted to the stuff that i have proof for. He said he has never cheated on me physically but just through emails and such. Im hurt lost and angry. We have three kids together and he has three from a previous marriage. I have bent over backwards for him and all the kids. I treat every single one just like i gave birth to them. I thought we were happy untill a few months ago and now i have proof that no i guess we never where happy. we have a lot of stress in our life both military and our youngest son is terminally ill and our oldest daughter was doing everything in the world to make our lives hard. yet i stayed turn to the marriage and he didnt...well he never had been true to our marriage
now im left feeling all this pain looking for some support.
Posted By: star*fish

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 05:43 PM

I'm so sorry about what's happened to you, and you have so much other stuff on your plate too with a sick child and what sounds like a defiant teenager! I know it's hard to talk about all of this...but can you answer a few important questions?

How did you discover your husband's activities? Is he willing to do what's necessary to rebuild trust in the relationship? Or is he angry about being caught? Do you want to remain married and if he is willing to work on the marriage...can you forgive him?
Posted By: star*fish

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 05:57 PM

While you're answering those questions, I want to make a few comments about the information you have provided. Some people might approach your situation strictly as "infidelity" because even if there was no physical contact (which you don't know for sure yet and can't count on), it is a form of infidelity and it's understandable that you're heartbroken and feeling completely betrayed. However, when I see a situation with so many varied and repetitive instances of online betrayal and activity...what comes to my mind is sexual addiction. He may not have had a physical relationship...sometimes this addiction is carried out completely online. But that is not something you should take for granted. There are many resources for information about sexual addiction, and I'm going to post some links for you to go and read in a minute.
Posted By: star*fish

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 06:17 PM

Recovery Nation is one of the sites I've heard many good things about. I also like "Can't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes who does a great job of explaining the difference and the many ways SA can be explored.

I hope you stick around. There are many people here who have been where you are. ((((((((heartbroken)))))))
Posted By: believer

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 06:31 PM

Big hugs going out to you.

Let's try to make this more manageable by looking at the different problems - kind of like how you eat an elephant, one bite at a time.

You have a very ill child, so that has got to be taxing you emotionally and physically. Be sure to get rest, try to eat, drink water and get some sleep. See a doctor if you can't manage that right now.

Raising step children is very difficult at best. I raised 2 sons, 4 step children and 2 of their step sisters. No matter how good a job you do, someone will be dissatisfied. It goes with having step children, and you can work on that later, after the other crisis.

Hubby is another matter, and we can help you deal with him.

We know the pain you're feeling, the confusion, the torment.
Now is not the time to be making any big decisions, just concentrate on looking after you and those children.

However things turn out, you will get through this. And it won't always hurt this way.

Keep reading and posting. We'll all be here for you.

And relax and give yourself a pat on the back for all you've done up to now.





Posted By: believer

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 06:33 PM

Yes, I second RecoveryNation. They have an excellent online site and have a partners' forum.

Although I think I would put that off until you are feeling not so overwhelmed.
Posted By: believer

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 07:04 PM

And just wondering how old your oldest daughter is. When we married, ours were from 3 to 14.

The oldest was a real challenge when she hit 15.
Posted By: heartbroken

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 08:31 PM

well i was snooping on his phone when i found some of the websites that lead me to his secret emails and then i broke into those and seen everything else. i honestly dont know if he willing to do what he needs to do in order to rebuild trust in the relationship. i think he is angry he got caught. i dont think he will admit it but he is still doing this stuff so i know hes upset and not willing to change it.Well if he decides to change and start being faithful to me then i can forgive him and would love to stay married but if he doesnt change and refuses to try and work on the problems then i cant keep this up. i cant keep crying myself to sleep or crying any chance i get.
Posted By: heartbroken

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 08:36 PM

well the oldest is 15 however she has been sent to live with her aunt. She started telling her school that we were beating her because we didnt allow her to go to a party that friday. then we went on a marriage retreat and at the hotel she told the workers that were babysitting the children that we were beating her in the hotel. It got to the point that we couldnt risk her lies getting our children taken away. the social services realized she was telling lies when she changed her story for the third time. I hate it had to get to that point but it has relieved some stress in the house. the others are 11 and 9 and they are the best children i the world. very polite and well behaved. Our kids together are 4, 2, and 8 months.
Posted By: star*fish

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 09:00 PM

What do you think about the suggestion that he may have a sexual addiction? Especially if he's still doing this stuff....even though he's been caught and it's created so much pain and conflict....that sounds even more like an addiction.

One of the signs of addictions is that even when an addict knows how destructive a certain behavior is...they don't stop. In fact, most of the time...they escalate because it takes more and more to get the same "rush" or excitement.

Here's a line that really troubles me:

Quote
he also was sending intamate emails with a few girls he works with


This is a huge red flag that his activities have gone farther than just online. These are people he knows...not some anonymous strangers from the Internet.

When you confronted him with the information you found...what did he say besides the denial of other infidelity? How has he been treating you since you found out?



Posted By: heartbroken

Re: looking for some support - 09/04/10 10:10 PM

well he claims that it wasnt anything sexual...he was looking for other girls younger girls to make him feel good. he said that he was addicted to the internet and that was it.
he denied it till i showed him i had proof then he got pissed threw his wedding ring at me and stormed off. then after he calmed down he said that he doesnt know why but that it was only emails and he did really plan on buying gifts or going out of town to visit. he told me that one of the women calls the office often and that he would talk to her then. he said that he never got physical with anyone that the internet and chat was letting him be someone that he couldnt be in real life but that it never got physical. my gut says otherwise but i dont think that he will ever tell me the truth and i dont think his behavior will ever change.
Posted By: star*fish

Re: looking for some support - 09/05/10 02:05 AM

heartbroken,

I'm trying to figure out what happened to my long response to your last post. Sheesh....I'm going to try and reconstruct it, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't forgotten.
Posted By: star*fish

Re: looking for some support - 09/05/10 02:09 AM

The fact that even he recognizes he may have an addiction is actually the most positive thing in your post. I hope that means that he understands it's a problem and that he'll need help to overcome his addiction. That's why I pointed you towards information on RecoveryNation, because they have good program for both of you IF recovering your marriage is something you can both commit to.

However, you also say that you don't believe he can ever be truthful or change....and if that's true...you're signing up for alot more heartbreak. frown

Posted By: catperson

Re: looking for some support - 09/05/10 06:23 AM

The point is, you CANNOT stay married to a man who continues to contact other women. PERIOD.

Set your standards.
Posted By: believer

Re: looking for some support - 09/05/10 08:48 PM

I agree that there needs to be some changes in the marriage, and it is not going to happen overnight. I'm trying to think of a plan for heartbroken. I see her very ill 2 year old as the first priority. That has got to be taking up all of her energy right now, plus taking care of a large family.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures

Re: looking for some support - 09/06/10 04:34 AM

(((((((((((Heartbroken)))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this hard, hurtful and what seems like in possible situation. On top of that, here you are with so much more to deal with. Children, can be our greatest joys and our most painful times as well.

Do you belong to a support group for your son who is terminally ill. I have three children. My youngest is 17 and just this week I was reminded of how narcissitic he is and how the world revolves around him, much like the person who is in the throws of an "addiction". It's like they become aliens that we don't recognize and quite frankly don't like.

I completely agree with the others, taking care of yourself is the top priority. There are a lot of people, who need your light, your guidance. It won't be easy, but you can get through this.

Do you have a relationship with G-d?

It may seem like you are alone, but many of us on here have walked through something very similar and somehow managed to find our way out of the darkness. You can too.

And hopefully you will let us walk with you.

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: looking for some support - 09/10/10 04:51 AM

As long as he is in denial, there's no real way to help him.

So what are you doing to help yourself?

Personal recovery? Personal support group?

Let's talk about your options.

Take care,
L.
Posted By: Medc

Re: looking for some support - 09/10/10 12:52 PM

Heartbroken

you are in good hands here.
I am sorry for your pain.
Please do not believe a single word that has come from his mouth. It is most likely, almost 100% certain, that this has gone physical (and likely for quite some time).
I would give him ONE chance to come clean in a safe manner. Let him know that while you want the marriage to work, you NEED the truth to not only move forward, but to know the enemy with which you are dealing.
There is very little hope of you ever getting the truth without proof or forcing it from him. I am a HUGE advocate for polygraph exams. They provide the truth in about 3 hours time...and rather than spending 6 months to years trying to get your recovery started, you have an immediate starting line.
Let me repeat, he will lie about everything and swear to your face, on your children, that he is being honest. Don't believe it.
If you decide to go this route, let me know and I can make some recommendations for an examiner.
As a father to a young boy that I almost lost a year ago, I can tell you that I feel for you having to deal with this and the pain of a very sick child. Taking care of the both of you is the first priority. YOU need to be healthy and strong, in mind and body.
I know it is hard to believe, but now that you have uncovered his infidelity (at least a very small part of it) there will be opportunity for healing.
Be well and reach out for help as you need.

MEDC

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: looking for some support - 09/10/10 05:27 PM

Aloha Medc,

It is good to see you hear. I have been reading some of your posts and find your helpful support, refreshing.

It seems our experiences in life can turn lemons into lemonade.

Keep up the good work.

Take care,
L.
Posted By: SIHW

Re: looking for some support - 09/10/10 06:39 PM

Heartbroken you have come to the right place....There are many shoulders here to lean on when you need it. We all in some form have been right where you are now. The info and advice here is genuine and you will find a font of knowledge that we all will be willing to help you with.

It's going to be a rough road i won't lie to you but with determination I know you can make it through.
Posted By: weaves

Re: looking for some support - 09/11/10 11:47 AM

{{{{{Heartbroken}}}}}

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I see you are in the military, so you are probably far away from home and your family of origin. That's got to be tough in itself.

You'll find lots of help and support here, and some good plans.
Posted By: heartbroken

Re: looking for some support - 09/11/10 11:00 PM

Im sorry that its been a while. I greatful for all the support im recieving. I will take all the advice to heart and keep everything in mind.
Posted By: believer

Re: looking for some support - 09/12/10 12:28 AM

How are things going now, heartbroken?

Are you home with your son? How is hubby acting?
Posted By: star*fish

Re: looking for some support - 09/12/10 01:02 AM

I'm really glad you came back. When you feel up to it...please give us an update.
Posted By: Medc

Re: looking for some support - 09/12/10 01:28 AM

Originally Posted by Orchid2
Aloha Medc,

It is good to see you hear. I have been reading some of your posts and find your helpful support, refreshing.

It seems our experiences in life can turn lemons into lemonade.

Keep up the good work.

Take care,
L.


Hi Orchid. Nice to see you here as well.

A big change for me is that I have learned to like the taste of lemonade.

I appreciate you saying hello.

MEDC
Posted By: Vittoria

Re: looking for some support - 09/13/10 12:39 AM

Hi Heartbroken,
I too am sorry that you are here.
I see a lot of red flags in the info that you give .......

Originally Posted by heartbroken
well he claims that it wasnt anything sexual...he was looking for other girls younger girls to make him feel good. he said that he was addicted to the internet and that was it.

You found intimate texts, websites marketing casual and discreet sex ...... that is all sexual yet he minimizes his behaviour by
claiming 'it wasn't anything sexual'. WH goes on to excuse/gaslight his actions by saying he was addicted to the internet.

Quote
he denied it till i showed him i had proof then he got pissed threw his wedding ring at me and stormed off.

His reaction to your proof is telling. WH is angry that he got busted, angry that HE got busted.
WH is not sorry or concerned that his actions have hurt you.

Quote
then after he calmed down he said that he doesnt know why but that it was only emails and he did really plan on buying gifts or going out of town to visit.

WH had to calm down, he needed to figure out more excuses in his head to feed you.
Only emails, didn't really plan on buying gifts/going out of town ...... all more gaslighting.
He's trying to make you think that it's not as bad as it could have been, instead of stepping up to the plate and
taking responsibility for his poor choices.

I don't know for sure that he has/hasn't been physical with other women, the fact that he is so concerned about
saving his own butt rather than acknowledging his disrespect to you and your M, says to me that he is likely being dishonest.

Unless he comes clean on his own, you won't know what a truth looks like. WS's lie through their teeth.
My WH lied on the bible that nothing physical happened. That turned out to be lie.

I second the suggestion of a polygraph, if you are looking to rebuild your M.
The only question that you really need, IMO, is has WH been in sexual contact with another female,
since this is what he is denying.

If you intend to use a polygraph, come back here for more support/guidance.

If these OW at the office are married, tell their H's about these texts.

Posted By: Vittoria

Re: looking for some support - 09/27/10 09:45 PM

Can I stop a thread dead in it's tracks or what!

Heartbroken, how are you doing?

Where are your thoughts at these days?
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: looking for some support - 09/28/10 04:09 AM

Aloha Heartbroken,

Please give an update. When you are ready, we would like to know how you are doing.

Besides then Vittoria won't feel like a thread destroyer. grin

Take care,
L.
Posted By: for to fade

Re: looking for some support - 09/28/10 05:22 AM

Hi, ugh, I am sorry, my husband of 32 years just deserted me. If he is still doing this you must be so hurt, I am really sorry. Please know your self worth, no one deserves to have this happen.

I hope you make an appointment to have a test for std, and they come back negative.

You have had three of his children?

Even if it is online, and who knows if that is all it is, it is betrayal. I know how painful that is. You think, I should have been better, prettier, a number of things. The fact is, it is not you, it is not about you. It is them, they need to feel fulfilled somehow it is something with the way they tick, from their childhood I think.

So, let me get this straight, you had 3 children together and there are also 3 children from a previous marriage of his. So there are 6 children there. That is a lot of children, and you must be worn out. And how you treat those children compared to yours has nothing to do with it.

It is about him, it has nothing to do with you.

Yes, it is horrid, outrageous behavior, you wake up in the middle of the night crying if you sleep at all. Believe me I know.

Also, you are both in the military? My husband and I met when we were both in the Air Force, long time ago. Then we got out, he went back in the Army and I was a spouse. He retired, he was gone a lot, I know how it is. I completely understand where you are coming from.

So, are you both being sent back and forth the the war? I have heard the stress of less manning of troops is taking a devastating toll on marriages. Have you talked to your chaplin, chain of commmand to see if they can let you both go for marriage counseling? You have options, you can get some great appts. at mental health, they have marriage clinics.

Oh, militaryonesource.com get on that. I was given the info but found out it is only for active duty.

Let me know if I can help, or if you want to send me a message maybe I can think of something ok.

Call CONUS at 1.800.342.9647 That is the 24 7 number to militaryonesource.com help for military family ok.


Tink
Posted By: Comfortably Numb

Re: looking for some support - 10/13/10 10:50 PM

Are you still around Heartbroken? How are you?
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