Marriage Advocates

Adventures in Dating

Posted By: NewEveryDay

Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 02:36 AM

Who's up for some adventure smile

I reactivated my OKCupid profile. I'm not getting good replies though, just Hi and How are you.
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 02:51 AM

Be sure to customize your search, NED. That's how I found all my good ones. When you search for certain things, the robot puts your profile in front of those people as a possible match.

You can visit their profile and not message them. I got a reply back today -

"How are you?
Cupid sent me your info today and I liked your Profile!
It says we are good match and I want to learn more about you smile
Write me back when you can.
Hope you have a great day!"

Of course, he lives in Ad Dammām, Saudi Arabia... But he's a 99% match.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 03:02 AM

That's pretty cool! Are folks like that usually planning a trip to your corner of the world anyway, or just fishing?

I did that customizing thing. Some guy asked me for my cell and I was tired and gave it to him, then he wanted to talk, so I called. What a mistake, he's a badgering type. Can I just message him back and say we didn't click? Or just keep making excuses why I can't talk until he takes the hint?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 03:08 AM

Believer I don't remember what we did last time, can I like post my profile up in a spoiler box and delete it later?
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 03:15 AM

I never gave my phone number out. I messaged and then talked to them on Google talk. You can talk but they don't get your phone number. But, yes, tell him you're not feeling a match and wish him good luck.

You can post your profile and delete it. I don't know about the spoiler box.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 03:41 AM

I gave my work phone so it wouldn't be tied to my name, then realized that was worse, because then he would know where I work! It's a big company with a bunch of locations but still I won't do that again. I have google voice is that the same thing?

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/neweveryday
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 04:17 AM

Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
Who's up for some adventure smile

I reactivated my OKCupid profile. I'm not getting good replies though, just Hi and How are you.


Do you really want my response????

laugh1

Sorry...just couldn't help myself..... laugh
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 04:21 AM

Hi Not, I could use a good laugh, but missed the joke, can you say it slower?
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 04:38 AM

Mine isn't that funny.....more along the lines of....

"Hi. How are you? Male, Cheating douchebags need not apply...."

Obviously, I am SOOOOOOOOO not ready for the dating scene... wink

However, I am in the mood for sarcastic humor....

Proceed Lovely Lady..... cloud9
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 04:46 AM

Oh, yes, I totally hear you! I'm still just getting off the border of that. And if I remember right I had to keep disabling my account because I didn't like what I saw when I logged in!
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 05:21 AM

Yes, NED, Google voice. I haven't done it for awhile, but it was fine to talk to a guy, while not giving him my number.

LOL, it's hilarious that Nottie is here.

But, anyway, I read your profile, NED, and it's too generic. Sheesh, I wish Flowmom was still here, because she had the wording down. You don't want to have a laundry list, and you need to show, not tell.
Posted By: strongerone

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 04:04 PM

Here....just following along....right now
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 04:18 PM

Believer, but I am pretty generic, my favorite coffee shop is Starbuck's, my favorite restaurant is Ruby Tuesday's, and I love to dance but I don't because I have no idea where to go and don't know anyone else who does know. You mean I have to develop a personality now? Sheesh wink

Shocked, welcome! Poet, want to join us?
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/14/14 05:40 PM

Flowmom used to talk about being very specific. You could say you love to dance the polka and haven't found a great polka place yet. Then you will attract men who love polka and know a good spot.

I took her advice and said I loved to eat at the Fish Joint and my favorite sushi was their chronic rolls. That didn't turn out quite right because lots of guys thought I was talking about smoking pot. But I did get more than 10 guys who wanted to meet there for sushi. That wasn't bad, because at least I was enjoying one of my favorite places.
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 04:36 AM

I realized recently that I've been basically single for almost 5 years now. My daughter's are now 12 and 6. My ex has been remarried for almost 2 years now. Sooo, decided to try online dating again! Much more success this time and my profile is terrible! Haha
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 04:42 AM

Wow, look who shows up. Violin! Glad you checked in.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 04:46 AM

Thanks believer I'm glad I can come as I am, just be more specific about it. Right now I'm afraid to log in to change it because of all the "Hey Baby I like older women" chats that pop up when I log in sometimes. I wonder if maybe they're just looking for a free meal or something? Do you get those too? Do you even respond? Who would want to be called an older woman, that's not like an attractive lead in!

Violin, welcome!
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 04:50 AM

Hey believer! Yep, I'm back because I thought I could gain some insight here. About a month ago I met someone online and we've gone out 6 times. She's a single mom of two and her ex hubbie cheated while she was pregnant with their youngest who is now 2 years old.
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 05:12 AM

Ouch! I feel for her, Violin. I know you'll be good for her.

NED - Online dating is brutal for men. I get tons of messages like "hi, how are you?" "What's up?" "How was your weekend?".

I think we ladies need to help the guys out by being very specific in our profiles. Give the poor guy a hook to latch onto.

I put one of my interests as "Chess with Friends." I've had tons of responses to that. It's an app to play chess.

Revisit your interests and detail them on your profile. You can list that you collect snails, have out of body experiences, like to SCUBA dive, own a pet pig, or like trance music. Those give a guy an opening.
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 05:19 AM

Yeah, a rough way to divorce for sure! Question is...After 2 years post divorce, is she stabilized yet? It took me way longer than that.
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 05:22 AM

And also believer, I agree with your last paragraph of advice to NED. The guys love openings! Haha ok, seriously though, it does make it easier to send a witty message to a woman.
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 05:30 AM

That's a good question, Violin. I know that for me, being betrayed was life changing. I'll never be the same person I was before, not only with dating partners, but with friends and family.

I'll never be stabilized. It will always color my outlook. However, taking it slow is my mantra, now. And that still doesn't guarantee that I won't be betrayed again.
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 05:35 AM

Yes and that's the same for me too. But it has been so long for me that I sometimes forget what my state of mind was like just 2 years after betrayal. I like this girl though and want to be sure I don't freak her out or something.
Posted By: MovingForward

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 05:56 AM

I think I agree with believer that the betrayal is life changing and you never completely get over it. In the least, you will at least make decisions with that in mind. Whether you "stabilize"? I think that if you do at least even out the time it takes depends on the individual.

It has been 2 years. It should be better than just one year out, but she is probably still nervous (whether or not she realizes that). I would just take it slow and be reassuring. Trust is probably the one thing that is the most important to cultivate for the both of you.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 11:46 AM

VIolin I think being single with two babies, one a newborn, would grow anyone up real fast. But believer has talked about looking past the words to the actions. You can look to see if her actions are stable, too.
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 01:43 PM

Thanks everyone,she seems to be emotionally balanced and settled with all of her divorce troubles. She's very sweet and is always considerate. With online dating you get a lot of people that just disappear or they only want an email buddy.
So, for a while she wouldn't text for the entire day but would be totally different in person. I think she was trying not to look needy or something. The dating games are annoying but I guess they are necessary In the beginning.
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 03:14 PM

Originally Posted By: believer


LOL, it's hilarious that Nottie is here.


Oh, I'll just following along for now. I have ZERO desire to go near this aspect of my newly acquired part of life.... laugh

Besides, I'm pretty sure there is a HUGE, FLASHING "MAN-HATING BIOTCH" sign on my forehead right now..... wink

HOW.EV.A.......though I have no desire to date, that doesn't mean my hormones are in agreement with that...... laugh1
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 03:37 PM

^^^ That's what I'm afraid of! Haha
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/15/14 11:09 PM

Originally Posted By: Violin
^^^ That's what I'm afraid of! Haha


Nahhhhhh....I won't be this way forever. Just have a lot to work through at this point. wink

I would think that people like me would be very easy to spot.....

But hey, I still have to get around the fact that it NOW ok to have any kind of communications with single men....lol
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/16/14 01:05 AM

No, you won't be that way forever. I was that same way but now I'm a dating fool.
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/16/14 01:50 AM

Originally Posted By: Violin
No, you won't be that way forever. I was that same way but now I'm a dating fool.


See!!! You will be able to spot those like me...probably not on-line but definantly in person. Trust your gut.....it's probably not that far off.

And as far as the current girl??? Maybe two years isn't enough, but it just may be. Everyone is different....but then again, what do I know!!!! laugh1
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/17/14 04:51 AM

I disabled my online account. It was a time drain and I wasn't meeting anyone who could carry half of a conversation. I'll take some time off, work on making the other parts of my life fit better together, so I can take the time to do a more focused search well later on.
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/17/14 05:00 PM

NED I am glad to see you step back for a bit.

Violin my experience having been horribly betrayed is that two years is enough time. I made a good choice a year and a half after D day and part of my healing did happen with my new husband...but I think that is ok. As Believer said it is life changing and I will never be the same.

My mom married my step dad less than a year after his wife of 45 years died. They had all been friends for 25 years...his daughter was understandably concerned and told my mom her dad still couldn't say his late wife's name with out crying. Mom said well he doesn't have to be alone while he cries. I always thought that was so sweet, BUT success was rooted in his choice which was stable ( family friend that he already knew and cared for). Your situation is different but as someone else pointed out look for the stability in other parts of her life. Is she mothering properly? Taking care of her home? Finances? Relationships with her FOO? To me those are all bigger points than how long she has been divorced.
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/18/14 01:03 PM

Thanks for the feedback,NED. She is very well put together. She's a great mom,travels to Europe for work, takes care of herself at the gym,etc. I think she's ok. We'll just have fun and see what happens.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/20/14 03:34 AM

Violin, that sounds great, that she's really put together, she has some good tools for moving forward.

Believer, I was thinking about what you said about the sushi place. I had in my profile my favorite beach to go to, but I was wondering if I named my favorite spot there, and then dated someone stalkerish, I might be afraid to go back? Or is it very rare to meet someone stalkerish?

Do you think your friendship with your activity partner will turn into a romantic relationship?
Posted By: gr8 day 2b alive

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/20/14 05:11 PM

It's approaching 5 years since sepration for me and I have dating a few gals since then. However I'm finding it much more difficult to meet someone who it of quality for a LTR.

I am getting quite comfortable being single.
I have the kids half the time and when they are not with me I love my freedom.

Golf every week, fishing, and no one to sday I shouldn't

I rather be alone than to settle for mediocracy
Posted By: Violin

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/20/14 08:56 PM

Hey gr8, you and I were on here around the same time and I was feeling exactly like you are now. Now, I feel like having a woman in my life again.
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/22/14 03:45 PM

the thought of dating????.....bleeeeeechhhhhh

However, I'm still in the process of re-working my boundaries. Heck, I still find it weird and awkward to just talk to men. A guy approached me at church last week (I guess my neon sign was turned off in church!!!! laugh) and it was just weird. Nothing like having to remind yourself that this is ok......Yep, obviously not ready for this..... crazy
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 03/22/14 09:30 PM

You might want to try some meetup.com get togethers, Not. I really enjoy going, and have been in a music related group for two years. The nice thing about it is that you can meet others that enjoy the same things you do, but there is no pressure. You can go one day a week, or skip it if you're not in the mood.
Posted By: gr8 day 2b alive

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/01/14 02:39 PM

Violin.
Yes we were on the same time frame. My mind set has changed from two years ago.
i have dated a few women over the past few years but nothing that developed into a LTR. One was close but logistics squashed that R.

Dating at this age is totally different than when we were in our 20s.
I'm not looking to start a family or have any more kids so that eliminates many women

I am enjoying my single life currently but I get what you mean about having a great gal in your life.

My goal after the D was to make sure my kids were A-OK,

My D9 now( time flies, she was just 4 when we separated)
recently stayed over my XBIL & SIL. XSIL does not get along with my EX. Their R is complete on the surface.
EXSIL offered to buy D9s communion dress.

yesterday EXSIL texted me :
Just wanted to tell you that you are raising a sweet, funny and smart little girl. She is truly a joy to be arounb. We love her so much.


that was a nice text. I know I have more infuleance on the kids bc EX works second shift and doesn't see them during the week.

My attitude now is when I find someone worthy to be in a healthy R I will notice her.
I want someone to "wow" me.
For now it's taking care of the kids and enjoying myself.
Posted By: gr8 day 2b alive

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/01/14 02:42 PM

Quote:
And as far as the current girl??? Maybe two years isn't enough, but it just may be. Everyone is different....but then again, what do I know!!!!

everyone has their own timeline.
It will hit you when you least expect it. Keep smiling smile
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/02/14 03:28 AM

Ha! I saw this opening on OkCupid tonight -

My self-summary
Hello Online Shoppers!

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read my profile.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/09/14 03:04 AM

I'm giving it another shot with the online dating, believer, I hope I did a better job of showing instead of telling in my profile this time.



I'm liking this site better, too. I'm getting a lot fewer messages, but more to them than Hey Baby wink
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/09/14 01:27 PM

that only works if you are a member...which I most certainly am NOT!
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/09/14 02:09 PM

Oh man, I guess that makes sense, when I get home I'll cut and paste the stuff, I would be kinda embarrassed to log into that here from my work desk blush
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/10/14 03:40 AM

Okay Miranda here I go smile I am going for light and funny so if you have any jokes let me know I'd love to add them. This is from Christian mingle to the prompts were a little different form OKCupid.

INTRODUCTION
I am a computer programmer, so I'm constantly learning new things and solving problems. Except that we don't have problems, only issues wink I like challenges. I have a big, close family, two kids of my own, and the oldest of 6. I grew up here, and am blessed with lifetime friends I trust to have my back and they know I'm there for them too. I mentor, and I really enjoy that, over time seeing folks find what's special to them, set their goals, and then surprise themselves!

I am looking for someone who is ready to be an amazing partner and accept an amazing partner into their life. Someone who is not afraid to get out there and make mistakes.


ESSAYS
What I'd like to do on a first date...
I love to go dancing but haven't been in years, so I would be thrilled if you have suggestions. I love how beautiful it is here year-round, and love to be outside enjoying it, swimming at the beach, taking in some of the touristy things to do here like going on a paddleboat, pretending not to be embarrassed when I mess up at karaoke, or going bike-riding over by Las Olas.

My past relationships have taught me...
To lose myself in the moment, enjoy time with loved ones instead of rushing off to the next thing to do. Not to settle, to keep working on the finding solutions everyone likes. To speak up because no one likes trying to mind-read.

To me, being a Christian means...
To share with others what I've been given so freely, and especially to be open to being His hands and feet when I can. To love your neighbor as yourself.

I picked my screen name NewEveryDay because whatever happens, or doesn't happen, I get a fresh start every day, living in grace and mercy.

In five years, I see myself
Finish raising my kids. I've love to sing in a choir one day.

My favorite Bible passage is...
Zephaniah 3:17, The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. It was a memory verse that puts the day's worries back in perspective.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/12/14 01:02 PM

I have no idea how long this will last but I'm really enjoying the dating site! I have been talking to a few guys on there who are just super easy and nice to talk to, one guy we send a message every day. No one asked me out yet, so maybe they are just sending messages to be nice, but these are folks who are great to chat with even if we don't meet.
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/12/14 01:19 PM

That is nice NED.

I like your profile.....

Do you have a clear list of what you want? Not a list to share on your profile or with a date, but a list for you so you can rule men in or out and not get emotionally attached to a man who doesn't fit your needs/wants.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/12/14 03:56 PM

Yes, I'm looking for a man who is

Loving and affectionate
Responsible and hardworking
Happy and easygoing
Spiritual
Open-minded, good at finding solutions and figuring things out, smart
Family oriented
Easy to talk with, lots of common interests

I don't think like parent approval should matter, but it killed me when my mom didn't want to be around L, so I want someone my family will fall in love with, too. I'm trying to work on my mom, she still just wants me to find a nice attorney. Now don't get me wrong, attorneys are great, but that would really narrow the dating pool by a whole lot.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/23/14 12:05 PM

So, I have my first date set for Monday smile There are a couple of guys I've been messaging with too, but I have a good connection with the first one. The way I am, the more I feel this connection, the less interested I am in the other guys, but I've read about the contrast effect and think it makes sense not to write the other ones off just yet.
Posted By: MovingForward

Re: Adventures in Dating - 04/26/14 12:16 AM

I am happy for you NED. Hope it goes well.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/21/14 05:26 AM

Thanks Moving Forward, I haven't seen you check in in a while, I'm hoping everything is good with you too?

Dating is going well here, with the same guy. We have a great connection and lots to talk about. And I'm doing pretty well taking it slow this time, too.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/21/14 03:51 PM

Lol, I say things are going great here, but really I am feeling so conflicted inside. Am I settling? Can I even trust my judgment any more? I am thinking I should have taken that 6 months that CR had suggested. But I know my weaknesses, and B was pushing my "maybe it can work" buttons again, and this was the simplest, most familiar path to back out of those old patterns, to get busy seeing someone new. Maybe what I was supposed to learn from all this is to take that time and build my confidence so I don't need to do something drastic to keep from falling into it with B again. And maybe this is just natural, to feel all these swirling thoughts at once before the clarity comes.

My new guy is throwing big hints he is ready to get serious, and I think knowing my tendency to fast-forward things myself, it would have been a kindness to myself to have taken some time dating others folks for contrast before deciding to get serious again myself. But I barely have time to date one person, much less multiple folks. I feel comfortable with this guy, but not comfortable enough to share that sometimes I feel like an emotional wreck, and am taking a ton of time overthinking all this.
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/21/14 04:19 PM

NED! Run! If he likes you, he will wait. Period.

What happened to being willing to be alone for awhile? You've been jumping from one guy to the next, and you know it. Focus on your beautiful girls, ok? You only have them home a few more years.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/21/14 04:49 PM

I worry, NED, that if you don't learn how to be strong and happy on your own, then you will keep falling into relationships that aren't what you want.

You need to figure out how to sever the emotional ties with B, and another man (a.k.a. distraction) isn't the healthy way to do that.

That said, if you like this guy, go at the pace that makes you comfortable. Night and I were exclusive within a month...but by that time we'd had big long talks and I was comfortable sharing my emotional wreck side as well as the happy-fun-healthy side.

Go back to your list. How is he doing at showing you the characteristics that you want? Has he shown you anything on your don't want list (I don't remember seeing that one)? How good of a fit does he seem?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/21/14 04:51 PM

Cat, you're right, I'll talk bout waiting. These difficult talks never go as badly as I think they will.

And I totally agree about focusing on the kids. Whether it is their week at my house or their dad's, I see them both almost every day. And I only go out on a date when they are at their dad's house. And the stuff on Obl's thread about de-escalating teenage defiance has been timely reminders too, about making sure YD knows she's not in the doghouse even when she makes decisions with bad consequences.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/21/14 07:58 PM

CR< thanks for your input, too. I know 100% that's not the way to deal with B and I went back to my IC and told him I need to come in more often. He suggested I focus on healthy activities, so I talked to YD and we got her into Girl Scouts. I'm trying lol.

Here's my list of what I want. We do feel like a very good fit, so far our values line up and we share similar life experiences.

Loving and affectionate - So far so good smile
Responsible and hardworking - Stable work history
Happy and easygoing - Pretty happy with his life smile
Spiritual - I haven't seen much of a spiritual side to him as yet. And man that would be a huge thing to lose if he's not into doing that stuff together, so that's the other thing I've been meaning to talk to him about.
Open-minded, good at finding solutions and figuring things out, smart - Teaches college classes, so yes pretty smart and good "soft skills"
Family oriented - Very involved with his son
Easy to talk with, lots of common interests - very much so

Here's my list of what I don't want. He hasn't shown anything on that list. But I don't really understand why he and his wife divorced. He said she went to her parents' house every night, but he works until 6:30 so that kind of makes sense, who wants to go home to an empty house with a newborn? I used to visit with my late MiL every day after work when I picked OD up. When I was married and B was in town it was a sore spot with him how much time I spent with my FOO. So something else I should talk with him about.

Emotionally unavailable
Blaming / poor boundaries
Addiction issues
Not good with kids
Isolated
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/21/14 09:13 PM

Lying
Unwillingness to take it slow (ie, no more than one date a week or as long as you need it)
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/21/14 11:07 PM

NED - You've been dating this guy for only a month, and you think he might want to make it serious?

I'm concerned about the reason he got divorced. He may not want to get into all the reasons so early in a relationship, but the fact that she went to she her parents while he was at work doesn't sound like much of an excuse.

Also, if you aren't observing much spirituality, it probably isn't there.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 03:17 AM

Cat, yes I add dishonesty and fast-forwarder to the Red Flag list.

Believer, yes, he's trying to get serious, so when we go out Saturday, I'll be really clear I'm still taking this slow, and ask about this stuff. And let go of the response!
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 12:26 PM

I always tell people, after a divorce (and I consider you 'just' after a divorce because you clearly aren't over B yet), to not see a new person more than ONCE A MONTH for at least 6 months. Why? Because you are SO desperate to feel that feel-good again that you will ramp up your exposure to the new guy just to feel good again - even if it's not healthy for you. And you now have a track record of doing so.

So what about seeing him only once a month for now (you can still talk)? What's the rush?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 01:44 PM

Oh wow cat, that kinda sounds extreme there, no? Once a month for 6 months? I have had a lot going on here, especially getting ready to send OD off to school, planning our last vacations together for this summer, and YD gets a lot of attention too. And this month I signed on to be my brother's representative payee for disability, so I've been getting him set up with housing and medical stuff. So I'm not sitting home by the phone waiting for my guy to call for that next endorphin rush. It just helps talking this all out with you guys for the sanity check.
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 01:59 PM

So...there shouldn't be a problem not seeing him that often?

I gotta say, you seem awfully reluctant to pull back from time with men. No offense, but it kind of worries me. I know, I have no room to talk. But I worry about you. You keep rushing into things and then coming here and saying well, maybe I should've gone slower...
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 02:40 PM

I think it did help Night and I that we lived so far apart. We saw each other twice a month for a while, talked or Skyped almost every day, and after a few months started making the extra effort to see each other every week.
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 03:04 PM

Twice a month...is doable, I guess. It just seems like here NED is again, after only a couple months of moving on from the last guy, and she's already seeing flags.

What's the rush? Especially when you have so much else going on in your life? What's wrong with just being by yourself? Listening to yourself think and not filling that spot with what HE thinks?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 03:14 PM

I guess that reluctance is because I do so much for everybody all the time - running the kids and family places, filling out tons of paperwork, fixing things at work. It's a wonderful contrast to be taken out for the evening, go to some favorite places, and some places we only go when we have company out of town, and just relax together. And even the phone calls, I love this building a connection.

Something you told me really stuck with me about your daughter, that she stopped just doing for new friends, and asking them to meet her halfway too. And that she'd learned a lot from that. That's helped me a lot with girlfriends too, finding the balance, so when I started going out again it's good that I'm out of the habit of being lopsided like that, like offering to do most of the driving or something.

CR, we started seeing each other every other week at first, too, because we each have the kids. I can imagine you do think about it a lot more when it involves so much driving and so much time away from home.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 06:33 PM

NED, have you taken yourself out on a date recently? Flowmom advocated pretty hard for that, and once I tried it I thought she was onto something.

I used to take myself out to dinner (sometimes followed by a movie). I usually brought a book to read while I waited for my food. I've been to rodeos and concerts by myself too. I had a good time, and I saw that I didn't need a man or even my girlfriends to treat myself to something good.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 06:34 PM

You definitely deserve time for you and some awesome treats. The problem is you seem to be primarily treating yourself, and, to a certain extant, taking the time for you, in conjunction with a man. Which means it isn't about you at all, it's about him and the "us" that you are forming.
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 06:36 PM

Amen! My greatest events, my best feeling, is when I go out to eat by myself, with a book, or to a movie, again with a book to read while waiting for the movie to start. It tells me that I'm valuable enough to do something just for ME instead of just doing so much for everyone else, as you say you do; it's a great booster.
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 06:41 PM

There was an awesome new sitcom (already canceled!) called Mixology, that just finished. It covered 10 people who are at the same bar on one particular night, and it follows all the different relationships that develop that one night. Absolutely fascinating and VERY intuitive about people's personalities. There's one girl who always wanted to visit India, but her fiance of 10 years kept putting it off and she kept deferring to him. Over the course of the episodes (all taking place on this one night), she breaks up with her fiance because she realizes she's lived her whole adult life in his shadow, being whatever she thinks he wants her to be, but never asking herself what she wants to be. So the very same night, she meets this other guy at the club, they form a connection and, nearing the 2am closing of the bar, she makes plans to go to India with him. He's rich, he makes all the plans, they're in the cab on the way to the airport, and her friend calls and starts asking her questions that make it clear that, once again, she has deferred to a man instead of knowing or even asking what she herself wants. In the end, she tells him she has to go by herself, and she leaves him at the airport. I have to be honest, NED, I thought of you when I watched this last episode.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 06:51 PM

Ya know what Cat, I was thinking about this, and how great I felt when Daryl was out of town. The whole time he was gone, it was like I was dating myself. Courting myself, really. Indulging my own self in ways that felt... indulgent. Even though they were small simple ways a lot of the time, they felt so luxurious. Those $5 bird feeders, and laying in bed watching whatever movie I wanted, and going to the dog park by myself.

Dating myself was SUPER awesome. Maybe it felt that way to me because I'm such an introvert, and I'm shoved into the world of an super needy extrovert all the time, but god, it was SO glorious. And I'm finding as many little ways as I can to fit that into my life now, even if he's home. And he is trying to understand and give me room for that. It's a process, and we are trying to figure out how that works.

Ned, I don't think you have to swear off men, but this idea of "dating yourself" is a really GOOD one, because you said something above about going places and doing things to spoil you, as a part of a "date" but you shouldn't be waiting for a DATE to make that part of your life, ya know?
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 06:55 PM

It's actually something BOTH of my therapists tried to drill into me - a LOT. They sensed that I put too much of my identity into being his wife or her mom or his sister, etc. and they both told me that if I didn't start learning to be ok taking time for myself, they didn't see me getting any better.

Remember that my first therapist, her ONLY homework for me, the 3 years I went to her, was to tell DH that I was going to take a Saturday afternoon off and just go to the mall by myself. I never could. But she KNEW that doing so would have done a lot of good for me.

I know you probably feel we're ganging up on you NED, but it just seems like such a recurring issue. You've even SAID you were going to leave men alone for awhile and, next thing we know, you're already 'together' with a guy.
Posted By: Chrysalis

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 07:09 PM

This is an area I'm looking at in myself. I realize I have spent my entire marriage cramming myself into someone else's vision for their life. I've started to push back more, to the point where I will confront immediately when I think I am being told my perception of something isn't valid. And guess what? Nothing bad happens, my H stops in his tracks and apologizes.

Way too much giver on my side of the tracks. Not nearly enough taker. And the years of raising children while feeling abandoned, trying to solve huge kid problems, trying to slay the infidelity beast, it's all just taken a toll. To heal myself, I have to bring that taker to the table.

My trip to Ireland with just my daughter was glorious. We had an agreement to be fair about choices of things to do and share driving equally and it was just divine.I din't feel the need to be a giver. I was just there enjoying the days. In contrast, weekends when my H is here a lot, I feel a lot of pressure to live life at his pace and to his choices. I feel reluctant to do any of "my" stuff when he is around. He will often stop and say "Wait a minute, you get to make choices here too" and this was not something he did in the old days. So I guess he has some self-awareness of the extent of his selfishness before.

One thing I am doing right now is loading up on alone time when I can. The boys are here pretty much all the time, and that makes it hard, but I go into my studio and shut the door, I take naps that aren't strictly called for, stuff like that. It helps me reset my brain and be able to take on the next task.

I've talked to a lot of women my age who say that no way, not ever, would they consider marriage again. You get to a certain point where you are just tired of doing so much for other people.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 07:18 PM

Originally Posted By: Chrysalis


I've talked to a lot of women my age who say that no way, not ever, would they consider marriage again. You get to a certain point where you are just tired of doing so much for other people.


But where is it written that marriage=doing so much for other people? When did it become mandatory that it be like that? I'm pretty sure the other side of the equation isn't living this way, so why are we? It's just crazy, really. Where does this knee jerk response to martyr ourselves come from? How can we get rid of it, and how can we prevent the next generation from ever picking it up?

I mean for me it's just a tiny sliver of an entire set of dysfunctions that I come with so it's part of a process of eliminating dysfunction and replacing it with something better. But I see lots of women out there who DON'T come from the kind of background I do who have this problem. How do we get rid of this thing? How do we banish it from our collective culture and replace it with the habits of nurturing and cherishing our own selves?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 07:41 PM

I don't feel ganged up on, and I understand the importance of doing things because you want to. Taking the night off. Thankfully I have some vacations planned this summer, just me and the kids.

I do take on a lot of responsibility

My kids - My YD is an introvert so I do the introvert things with her mostly. We went as a mother-daughter to see Godzilla and then went to Olive Garden Saturday, did a salon-at-home day with OD for prom a couple of weeks ago, and had a relaxing weekend for Mothers' Day
My job
My FOO - I've been spending almost every other Saturday with my mom since her knee replacement and then heart attack. She's stuck in the house and this is often her only time out of the house. It's slow down-time kind of stuff or shopping. My brother just got on disability so I'm trying to help him catch up on stuff. I have that new baby niece and 1 year old nephew, and those three brothers don't drive, so I help out here and there
My friends
My Al-anon program - I'm a group representative and sponsor 3 women, and have a sponsor myself

All that said, I'll look for an opportunity to take a date night with myself smile Maybe a nice bike ride.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 07:44 PM

Miranda, i think it's a bunch of individual things that each sound good, just when you you say yes to stuff without looking at the calendar, then you have one full week!

I'm going to start this Sunday, looking at my calendar and planning my off-time smile
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 07:56 PM

I do understand that, I understand how when you answer to everyone else, your time just slips through your fingers like so much sand.

I need to become more aware of that myself. To take that personal scheduled "time out" and say "next Tuesday night I'm going to go for a pedicure and then prowl that used bookstore and then check out that new tapas place after all on my own"

If you don't MAKE time for you, everyone else will TAKE the time FROM you
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 08:18 PM

I've been in hell since last May when DD23 graduated and moved home because she literally expects us to do everything together, unless she has plans. When we worked at the same company, she expected us to have lunch together every day; I was thrilled when I moved to a different building just so I could be alone some lunch breaks. When I get home from work, she has our time planned out. She just got off the phone and said what we're going to do when I get home. I have SUCH a hard time saying no.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 08:36 PM

How about we all come back Sunday and post up what date night we set aside for ourselves next week?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 08:37 PM

B is taking the kids to the Heat playoff gave Monday, so that's my Date night with myself smile

I'm going to go to Zumba and have cereal for dinner and watch a movie at home. I do enough running around smile
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 08:41 PM

That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about Ned! That sounds great!!

I'm going to be solo on Friday night. I'll let you know what my plans are when I figure them out.... (i'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl)
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 08:50 PM

When DD23 was growing up, the one thing I kept asking for for Mothers Day and my birthday was for DH to take her and go away for the weekend so I could have the house to myself. I need to figure out how to make that happen...
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 08:57 PM

I was talking about the same thing with a good friend the other night. She said she talked with her daughter and asked, what two hours a night do you want from me? And then the rest of the night she is off the clock.
Posted By: Chrysalis

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 10:43 PM

Quote:
But where is it written that marriage=doing so much for other people? When did it become mandatory that it be like that? I'm pretty sure the other side of the equation isn't living this way, so why are we? It's just crazy, really. Where does this knee jerk response to martyr ourselves come from? How can we get rid of it, and how can we prevent the next generation from ever picking it up?

Great questions, Miranda. My mother did it, and I swore I wouldn't, and well, here I am.
I was so frazzled by the end of the weekend I felt I was losing my mind. Not a minute alone, not a minute to slow down, and it was all fun stuff I enjoyed. Also I am really busy right now with my nonprofits and it is a lot of responsibility, DS20 is needed a boatload of moral support as he tries to finish his college class and is struggling with his adult transitions program, it's just all the time!
So I spent a lot of time in studio this week and a lot of time napping. I don't need those naps! But I finally feel like I can focus on some of the things requiring mental concentration.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/22/14 11:29 PM

NED, I love that you are taking some time for yourself, but I highly encourage you to take one night and go out somewhere. Take yourself out to dinner, a movie, a concert, whatever. I think you are associating doing those "special" things with someone else, and I'd love to see you doing some of that on your own too.
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 01:47 AM

Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
I was talking about the same thing with a good friend the other night. She said she talked with her daughter and asked, what two hours a night do you want from me? And then the rest of the night she is off the clock.
I like that. Today, I worked out an arrangement with her about the exercising, so that will help things. I might try that 2 hour thing too.
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 01:49 AM

I agree NED that you need to work on being ok being alone.

Chrysalis, when I was sent to a stress therapist, she told me that 75% of her patients are women. Because they never stop. Never stop taking care of everyone, never stop putting her needs last, never let themselves matter.
Posted By: Chrysalis

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 02:23 AM

I do kind of marvel at how I got here.
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 03:20 AM

I can relate. It seems like I always had a husband or kids, and my world revolved around them. I'm happy with my choices and feel fulfilled.

I worked all of my life and my job was very important to me. I was a team player and got lots of satisfaction from that. I think I made a huge contribution to my agency.

Then my parents got old, and I took care of them. Again, I don't regret it a bit.

Now my kids have kids and there's a whole gaggle of them. I do the best I can and have a wonderful relationship with most of them.

Putting myself first feels foreign to me. A shrink would probably have a field day, but I'm content. I believe I was put here on earth for a purpose and it wasn't just to take up oxygen.

I met and dated 53 guys in my post divorce frenzy. I'm glad that I did. My activity partner is still around, and he feels the same. He's a giver and his family is extremely important to him. We get together several times a week and console each other.

Life is good.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 03:36 AM

Believer, I totally agree, life is so good! This stuff isn't just busy work. Some weeks feel busy, but slow periods come, too.

Chrys, my brother is 28, and my mom realizes she's not going to be here forever. He has a good opportunity to get some independence here, so we're giving it a shot. I admire everything you do for your kids, but my mom's not on the same position, her health can't take all this any more. Everyone has their limitations. Fortunately there are a lot of us and we're trying to lighten that burden.

CR, I guess I gravitate to free stuff to try to find some balance, because I'm worth *me* taking care of if that makes sense. But I did go alone to Olive Garden for lunch last Wednesday alone. I used to go for a walk every day alone at lunch and that was great too. But I love music and will look into what concerts are coming up.

Cat, my friend's daughter is 15, so your grown daughter would probably be fine with less. You can set the example in love; she can plan her own activities, too.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 12:06 PM

Cat, NED makes a good point. You can teach your daughter to start "dating herself" and get some alone time in the process!
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 12:21 PM

Oh, she does. It's just that her friends only do things after 8 or 9 at night, so she is always 'free' until then, and I'm there...

I do have to work on saying no. I should be grateful, I know, that my daughter wants to be with me so much. I hated my mom at that age and I know she suffered a lot for it.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 02:57 PM

I hear you, cat, it's a good problem to have!
Posted By: MovingForward

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 03:59 PM

I check out for a few weeks and a thread goes crazy.

NED, I am glad your dating is going well. I agree with the others that you should make sure that you move at your own pace. He wants more, but you aren't ready, so you need to make that clear. I don't think you really need to run away unless he won't take "slow down" for an answer.

I am doing well also, thank you for asking. Still with the same woman as before. I will try to update my thread soon.

I do completely agree with having "you" time. Here is what I do: I am a introverted person by nature and I get enough "go out" time with my friend, so I stay in. I drink a glass of scotch and either play videogames or watch a movie. It isn't much, but I do it every Tuesday. That is my "date myself" time. I really enjoy it and it gives me a chance to just do whatever I want. I know this isn't me taking myself out to dinner or to a show, but it gives me a chance to be fine alone and I meet and talk to so many people over the course of the rest of the week that this can be a nice relaxing getaway without having to go very far.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 04:13 PM

I think the divining factor is being answerable and available to no one other than yourself. It's carving that time out and devoting it TO YOU and FOR YOU.

Introverts like to do stuff that is alone. And that might be staying in, or prowling that used book store, or visiting that community garden, but it also means you don't take calls, answer texts, check your messages constantly, etc.

Extroverts might prefer to go to a show or a concert or take a class where they might meet new people. That's cool too.

And of course it's good to mix it up and do things that take you out of your comfort zone too once in a while (although I almost never do, yikes!)
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/23/14 10:27 PM

Lol Moving my concern was that that I already do feel so ready to move forward, my thoughts have been running everywhere. But I'm trying to do differently in the present, ask lots of questions, take a wait and see kind of direction. Hopefully I haven't been sending too many mixed signals.

There's a community theater play this weekend, walking distance from my house, I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't looked it up. And I'm not calling anyone to come with me. I think it will be fun smile
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/24/14 02:00 AM

SO proud!
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/25/14 07:51 PM

I was mistaken, the community theater thing was last weekend. I'm going to try to take myself to the beach tomorrow, I've never ever done that.

And I was right, last night my guy did ask me to be his girlfriend. I told him I had signed off of the online dating a few weeks ago, because I didn't want to date anyone else. But that didn't really answer his question, and it was a little awkward. I did tell him I care about him a lot. Next time I see him, I will have time to put together a better answer. My gut is saying a strong "yes," but my gut almost always tells me that lol. Those PEAs pea I tell you!

I hope that this doesn't confirm for you cat that I have no business dating anyone. But whenever I am quiet about my feelings it bites me in the butt later. The whole thing left me feeling a little weepy today about how things didn't work out with B. Is that normal? I like my new guy a whole lot but I wish that my kids' dad was the one ready for a normal relationship!

That happened with L, too, especially when he proposed, the moment was beautiful, but in the morning it felt so bittersweet, because I loved L so much, but it was a huge reminder things didn't work out with B. Did anyone else feel like this?

I have a boundary, no relationship talk after 10pm, because after that my mind is mush. I'll have to let him know next time to please bring stuff like that up earlier.
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/25/14 08:25 PM

Ooh, taking yourself to the beach sounds awesome! Are you going to go for a walk, or soak up rays? Taking some light beach reading material?
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/25/14 08:30 PM

Well, like I said, you never got over B. And we all knew it. But the solution isn't necessarily to get back with B. Or to replace him since, at this point, no one will ever be good enough. Maybe later, but you're in no rush, right? And if a guy you're dating isn't willing to wait for you to be ready, then you have to ask...why? Is he just another guy who can't wait to move into a woman's house so she can replace his mother?

Just remember, NED, YOUR feelings are just as important as his.
Posted By: poet

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/26/14 06:45 AM

Not sure what this thread is all about, but I haven't dated in six years. I'm comfortable with myself, and I actually like being alone. I've gotten to the point in my life that I don't much like people.

I know that's probably exasperating to some, maybe even weird, but oh well. As the saying goes..."It takes all kinds."

I've been hurt far too many times to think and feel any differently. Men came and went and I'm content with that. Women who professed to be my friend, weren't -- and that's ok too. So, now I'm my own best friend.

I'm tired so I sleep a lot and that's OK for me. I'd rather sleep than be in a bar, or a restaurant with a bunch of people I don't know, who are all chattering to each other, while I sit at the sidelines and (well, I can't even say "listen" because I couldn't hear them anyway). My hearing is practically shot. So, I'm separated from people anyway. Se la vi.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 05/27/14 03:43 PM

Hi poet, welcome! As you may have guessed, this thread is about dating again after divorce. As someone who has decided not to date for 6 years, I think you bring a fresh perspective smile And your post leaves me so curious.

How do you find the balance between wanting to be alone, and wanting companionship?
Do folks tell you your choices exasperate them, or do you just think in general some folks may be exasperated on the inside?

With the hearing loss, I'm thinking it may be easier to connect with folks outside of a bar/restaurant setting.

I like what you said about being your own best friend. And about prioritizing getting the sleep you need.

Jayne, the kids didn't want to swim, I never thought I would see that day, because they used to insist on getting in the water even when it was 70 out. So they went walking while I went for a swim and to lay out. Then I joined them later for walking. I thought I was good with the sunblock, SPF 75, reapplied on getting out of the water, but that time of day is just not feasible, and I got burnt. It was so worth it though!

Cat, I can tell you, I am not looking for a roommate! He is still talking about getting his own place in September, and if he starts talking about moving here at all, or staying at his mom's longer, I would let him know that I'm taking that as a sign to back off. I know that is a double standard, because a lot of my women friends lived with their parents until they married, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I have to be honest about where I'm at, too.
Posted By: AnotherShot

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/03/14 08:46 PM

Well, here I am! smile It's been an interesting ride, that's for sure. I've talked about my past relationships, so forget those. I'm currently dating a woman, 3 months together and we spoke for a month prior to that. We get along really, really well. We go hiking, spend a lot of quality time together and just really enjoy each other’s company. This is the first time I've dated a woman with a younger child (13) and she has her two kids full time (dad in another part of the country). She is very busy and schedules a lot of stuff for herself. Initially she thought "maybe I'm too busy for a relationship". This was after pursuing me on match heavily. I simply said, "Don't stress over it, we can make it work."

So what happened? After 2.5 months her dad fell ill and things fell apart at work (too much work, not enough people). She told me again she didn't think she had time to dedicate to the relationship and it wasn't fair to me as I deserved someone who could dedicate a lot of time to me. I said "Okay" and that was it. She continued to text me for just under two weeks saying we could be friends that she wanted to see me and do lunch, etc. I found this to be BS and just said "ok". I never contacted her. In that time she broke down and sent me a text telling me that she really missed me. Needless to say I was pretty heated. This was a Thursday night. I told her we would talk on Friday. Friday comes and she asks me if we can meet for a drink after work and I told her yes. Out came all my experience and knowing what I wanted.

I kept putting her on the spot asking her what she expected to come out of this meeting. She gets very fidgety when she's nervous and she was fidgeting. I said "you are going to have to tell me what you want, or we are going to leave here and I'm not going to ask you for anything." One thing I'm not afraid of and never have been is confrontation. She broke down and told me what a mistake she made. I made it a point to tell her that she made MY decision for me; she didn't let me make it for myself. If she wasn't meeting my needs I would have let her know. I could tell she felt really bad after hearing me say that. There was more talk and she finally said "I'm very sorry, I made a huge mistake and I want you back." I told her that I don't play games and she became even more embarrassed. I said that if she pulled anything like this again she would never hear from me, ever.

The next day we got together and she really opened up to me. She has perfect credit, but like all people in a divorce she didn't leave unscathed. She got railed with student loans that she and her ex-husband were on. He was irresponsible and wasn't paying, so her attorney advised her to take them on and put in the divorce decree that he is responsible for his own portion. She's currently paying it but he is still responsible for his. This saved her credit from being ruined. The good news is that she's very responsible. She admitted that in the future she would love to be married again, but she knows it's not possible given the loans because the marriage will change everything with them. I flat out said I wouldn't get married because I would not take on anyone's debt for any circumstances. Did I mention I'm brutally honest? She said it didn't matter, that I make her extremely happy and she wants to be with me. She has accepted she probably won't get married until her ex coughs up his portion of the money. She's eating it ALL right now. He's 100% irresponsible and there's work there to get him to pay up. There was a lot more discussion here but she is well aware of my stance that marriage is not in the cards and that I enjoy my debt-free life (except the car and house).

She is very independent, doesn't ask me to do anything for her. I can tell she's not that way at all. Given this fact I have no problem being with her long term. She also makes me really happy. We have great chemistry and I really enjoy it.

There has been no introduction of the kids yet. We are taking it slow and just enjoying each other. A few of my friends have met her and tell me she is by far their favorite of the women they have met.

So there's my "short" update for this calendar year so far smile
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/03/14 09:18 PM

Wow AS that's quite a story, good for you for being upfront and honest! I didn't quite understand the part where you felt like she was playing games when her dad fell ill? When my FOO had huge issues I turned to my exes to pitch in and help with all that, even though it was way too soon, and they came through. But then we ended up way too attached too soon. So it looks healthier by comparison when someone takes a breather to stop and think during a big life change.

Do you have kids of your own already, do you want more?
Posted By: CityGirl

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/03/14 11:27 PM

Hey All!

Long time, no "talk". I've thought about the forum often and hope you are all doing well!

I moved to Los Angeles a month ago and I am absolutely madly in love with life again. It took me nearly five years of intense recovery and looking back every minute of hell was worth it to reach this point. I still have heaps of financial fallout from my very protracted divorce to deal with but emotionally I'm not sure I've ever felt better in my life. It's tough living in an expensive city with all the money BS still lingering but so, so worth it.

The most exciting news? I met someone wonderful. Day three in Los Angeles I was wondering around my new neighborhood and stopped for a coffee. My new "friend" and I bumped into each other coming out of our respective bathrooms at the coffee shop and as they say the rest is history! It was all sort of electric, lol! We are the same age and he doesn't have children. Exactly what I was looking for. All I can say is it's been wonderful. Oddly enough he is from NY as well but has lived in L.A. for the past 11 years. As many of you may remember I had not dated at all during my separation, divorce or post divorce and had no plans or real desire to meet anybody. Funny how things happen when you least expect it!

Getting to know each other, spending time together and enjoying my new city both on my own and with him has been delightful and really quite amazing. I'm not sure how I got so lucky but I'm thankful beyond words I am where I am.

My love to you all. I thought of the forum on the plane ride here and how I never would have ever been able to recover and make this move without so much love and support. The relief that flooded through me as I took off for my new life was so strong I thought I was going to roll out of my seat. I think I laughed to myself the entire six hour flight!

One sad bit of news... my beloved pug passed away. Now that is a loss I will never get over. Ever! And I was shocked and saddened to hear about the passing of Coach. He was a lovely man and I am glad I had the opportunity to know him.

Anybody in L.A. hit me up if you want to meet!

Love,
CityGirl
Posted By: silverado

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 12:28 AM

CityGirl,

I saw your name pop up and had to come see what you posted. I'm so delighted to read your update!! I will never forget your epic dating story about having the panic attack and climbing out the ladies room window... a classic for sure!

Since you're in LA and all - not to be too cliche - perhaps you should consider writing a screen play. Now that you've got some "happy" going on, you certainly have the writing chops and a dramatic story if you're ready to tell it. (names changed to protect the guilty, of course)

Hope you plan to drop by again.
Posted By: CityGirl

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 01:24 AM

OMG Silverado I am hysterical laughing about that "first date night" a few years ago! Tip: Never accept a date before you are SURE you are ready (I wasn't) and NEVER try to climb out of a bathroom window in Spanx!

Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate your response smile Nice to hear from you! How are things?
Posted By: CityGirl

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 01:26 AM

Oh Gosh.... I just learned about OurHouse. I am so saddened and so very sorry. What an endless well of wisdom OurHouse was. We are lucky to have so much of it on the forum.
Posted By: Ace

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 02:35 AM

I :::never::: read on this Singles/Dating Forum let alone post on it.

CityGirl, it's all your fault! I'm here because I, too, saw your name and hoped for a happy update. Thanks!

Originally Posted By: CityGirl
OMG Silverado I am hysterical laughing about that "first date night" a few years ago! Tip: Never accept a date before you are SURE you are ready (I wasn't) and NEVER try to climb out of a bathroom window in Spanx!


Is this "climbing out the window" story posted anywhere public? I'd love to read the details.

I'm so glad you've check back in. We haven't chatted directly that often---especially since you've been gone a bit---but I will never forget how inspired I was to keep posting when I read that you suggested a newbie read my story a loooong time ago. Not sure if I ever told you thanks so I'm doing it now while I have the chance (dating forum or not)!

Congratulations on your accidental meeting someone in a very intriguing location. How funnycool

Again, thanks for updating.

Ace blush
Click to reveal..
I'm still blushing to be on the dating forum as my H and I celebrate a major decade anniversary milestone.
Posted By: poet

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 03:23 AM

First, let me say Hi, CityGirl....I'm glad to see you too!

Now, NED --

Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
Hi poet, welcome! As you may have guessed, this thread is about dating again after divorce. As someone who has decided not to date for 6 years, I think you bring a fresh perspective smile And your post leaves me so curious.

How do you find the balance between wanting to be alone, and wanting companionship?


What an interesting question....but after thinking about it, I can honestly say, I cherish my alone time. When I'm out and about in the world, I find myself longing to be/go home.

Last weekend, I went to the beach with two mothers, a grandmother and two young children. We were a mixed lot too....three from Ghana, Africa, two from Turkey and me. I was bored and exhausted by the end of the day, which turned into the night. When one of the girls, aged 8, kept turning the light on, in the back of the van, even after all four adults individually told her her to turn it off, I was finally fed up. I put on my bad girl voice and reprimanded her to turn it off and leave it off. Needless to say, that was the last time anyone had to say anything. But, then again, the whole van was quiet for some time after I reprimanded her. lol

Came home, took a shower and went right to sleep.

So, in answer to your question, there really are very few times when I feel a need for male companionship. Mostly, I miss the man-ability when I need something fixed.

As for your question:

Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
Do folks tell you your choices exasperate them, or do you just think in general some folks may be exasperated on the inside?


I'm not so sure I understand this question. I rarely have any contact with men who are "date-able" so-to-speak. If that's what you mean. And, when I do, I think you probably hit the nail on the head that they are only "exasperated on the inside."

For instance, I called this one guy I know last week to try and sell him a product. He was gushing when he answered the phone, and all happy to hear from me....that is, until I told him the reason for the call. When I hung up the phone, I just thought what a twerp. lol (No, not really, but it was an eye-opener for me as well).

Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
With the hearing loss, I'm thinking it may be easier to connect with folks outside of a bar/restaurant setting.
Yes, and unfortunately, it's difficult for me to hear in most situations. So, I stay home a lot. I've learned to adapt that way, you know.

Posted By: AnotherShot

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 04:59 AM

So the games thing was she had seemed like she was flaking out on me. I basically said that when things got rough she was supposed to lean on me, not run away then come back when things calmed down. There was a lot more chat that went into it.

Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
Wow AS that's quite a story, good for you for being upfront and honest! I didn't quite understand the part where you felt like she was playing games when her dad fell ill? When my FOO had huge issues I turned to my exes to pitch in and help with all that, even though it was way too soon, and they came through. But then we ended up way too attached too soon. So it looks healthier by comparison when someone takes a breather to stop and think during a big life change.

Do you have kids of your own already, do you want more?
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 01:28 PM

AS, I don't see flaking out as a game thing. Maybe I am not understanding it well.

But I do agree with your idea that she has to lean on you not run away/come back...that is immature and harmful. Sounds like she has trust issues....so maybe you will be able to reassure her.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 06:31 PM

CityGirl, I love your update, thanks for sharing! I love when great things happen to great folks! Can I ask why LA? Did you know we have some other MAers not far from you? How has your health been? And I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.

AS, thanks for filling that in. It's not an easy balance to find, when to trust someone new, when to keep things slow. I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was going through a personal crisis, and then when things got back to normal I reached out to him again, but he wanted nothing to do with me. It felt kinda harsh, like I have to manage my stuff and meet obligations to you, too? So when I went through that murder trial for the men who killed my dad the year before last, I brought my ex with me on that journey, but it created a huge false sense of trust, because we weren't that kind of intimate yet. And then when he pushed to move in less than a month later, I felt obligated, because look at what all he had done. That kind of stuff isn't for me anymore.

Silverado, how have you been?

Poet, that sounds like a day that would tire out anybody! That selling things to friends isn't easy, I've been on both sides of that.

My daughter has taken sign language for a few years now, and her group went to a scrabble night for deaf and hard-of-hearing. I don't know if there is something like that in your area, or whether something like that that would interest you?
Posted By: lost rabbit

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/04/14 08:35 PM

Citygirl so wonderful to hear from you and even better that your life is sounding a breath of fresh air. What a new adventure, new place, new man.. Sorry to hear about Puglet x
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/06/14 09:27 PM

My boyfriend met the kids yesterday and it went great! They were loud, rude, fun, helpful, unhelpful, fought with each other, everything good and bad that they do. And I was so comfortable. It's not my job to try to put a different face on anything! I am glad that I waited a little anyway before introducing them, when I'm not feeling so awkward anymore.

He was great with them, that I expected smile
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/09/14 03:27 PM

Is this the same guy from a couple months ago who was living with his mom? How did that turn out?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/09/14 03:55 PM

Yes, the same guy. So far so good smile He's still planning to move out in September, and not here smile We get along great and my kids and my friends like him. He came to church with us and he liked that too. And he loves my cooking. What's not to like!
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/10/14 05:01 PM

{{{{{{{CG}}}}}}}}

It is so good to hear from you!!!! And everything sounds so wonderful!!! I loved reading how you were so giddy on the plane ride....you have come such a long way!!! And thanks for the Dating tip. Maybe you should post that on the Goddess thread...;)

I too had no desire to date but I was allowing myself the grace that if I were asked, I could say yes. I was asked in April and I went. It was actually an old friend from HS. I had a lovely time and we laughed. A lot. Something that has been important to me in general these last 6 months. Anyway, we hung out a few more times and while it is always a blast, he is not someone who I attracted to in any long term sense. He has his own issues right now (his fiancé died last fall) and while we both have a great time together, we agreed we make better friends than any thing else. And that is a good thing!!! I think we bith got what needed from each at the moment but didn't do anything beyond that would cause each other any pain. A very good experience for both of us.

I was asked to meet up with another old friend from junior high (if this has taught me anything, it's that I did very well at having boundaries with the opposite sex while married and that if I ever re-marry they will go firmly in place!!!). It wasn't a date just a chance to meet and catch up (I'm not so nieve that I also knew it was a sizing up..;)).
Well, we ended up talking for almost 4 hours!!! It was a very easy time. I truly enjoyed that as well. We have plans to go out next week....

I guess my "Man-Hater" sign is not working as well as I had thought laugh
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/11/14 08:31 PM

Not it's wonderful to hear you out there enjoying yourself, without any expectations! I think your Man-Hater neon sign is working great, even the on/off switch is working! smile
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/19/14 12:24 PM

How is it going with everyone? Everything is still awesome here, I love the energy I'm getting from being in a new relationship, and so much fun getting to know one another. My guy is good at bringing little gifts, I didn't realize what a big EN this was for me, I love it smile I told him the kids were fighting over a blanket one night, because they love to crank the air down and fight over who gets the warm blanket, as opposed to the regular one. And so my guy brought another warm blanket, so they don't have to fight smile

Believer, I miss your weekly updates!
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/19/14 08:29 PM

NED -

I've been studying Gottman's predictor of which marriages will be happy. He did studies in Seattle and followups that turned out to be good at predicting who would stay together and be happy.

He set up a day spa type resort on campus and invited couples to spend the day, just like if they were at a resort. Then he observed them. Here's what he looked for -

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
* * *
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/19/14 09:11 PM

Believer, thanks for sharing that, fascinating! What's so sad is remembering that State of Conflict, when one partner tells the other what they want, and the other partner goes out of the way to make sure that doesn't happen. For example, I really love the Florida Keys, but when my angry then-H would propose going there for a weekend, sometimes the thought of another long drive stuck in the car with an angry man was so overwhelming, I kept trying to talk him out of it.

So I especially like this part
Quote:
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”


Kind of like making gratitude lists smile
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/20/14 01:27 AM

Yes, I'm really thinking a lot about Gottman's stuff. Looking back, I was in the habit of making a lot of bids which my ex mostly ignored, and I was hyper alert to his bids. It made everything very one sided, and it was that way even before we married.

I was talking with my youngest son about this today. He's like me, and goes out of his way to connect with his longtime on and off girlfriend. She's not so concerned. I was telling him about all of the red flags that I missed about my husband not really trying to connect with me. They were very small things, but there was a pattern that escalated after we married.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/20/14 01:00 PM

Yes, we're trained to be hyper-alert to their bids, a deeply ingrained safety thing. Believer, you really sunk that in with me, if it is a man I would have a sustainable relationship with, he would be turning towards what I am looking for, not rejecting it and telling me what I am supposed to want.
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/22/14 12:58 AM

I saw City Girl's name, and I got bored tonight and wandered onto the dating oriented thread. smile

CG, I cannot tell you how glad I am that things are going well for you. I know we never interacted much, but I will tell you that for a few reasons you have sort of had a soft place in my heart and memory, and I am so so so so glad that you are happy and are spending time with a real person who seems worthy of you.

That's all. I just wanted to say that smile

Now I'm going away because the DAT... word scares me on forums smile
Posted By: strongerone

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/10/14 02:00 AM

Anyone around??
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/10/14 02:22 AM

Hi Stronger, I'm still around smile How's it going?
Posted By: AnotherShot

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/10/14 03:43 PM

I'm around, I've been doing great. I've been together with my wonderful woman for over 6 months now. We do so much together, we got open water dive certified, and we are making our first dive together this weekend. We are also planning trips to San Carlos Mexico and Catalina Island in CA. Potentially looking at Cozumel next year. My ex is remarried and already has another baby, it's kept her busy and out of my hair which has been WONDERFUL. Work is still work, but all in all I'm one happy camper in life right now!
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/10/14 06:56 PM

AS what an awesome update thanks for checking on!
Posted By: AnotherShot

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/12/14 06:40 AM

You know, time flies. I wish more people would chime in here, there are a lot of us with a lot of input to provide. I lost time until I got an email notification from the forum here. I miss all the input and daily updates from everyone. I hope they aren't updating because their lives are so good they don't need to!
Posted By: Shell shocked

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/13/14 06:44 AM

Ok, I'll chime in with a question smile

Why is that the BS is often told not to date too soon until they have had time to grieve the relationship & work on themselves - YET the WS goes straight from one relationship to the next with the OP with no time at all to grieve or work on themselves & in a lot of instances these relationships work out??
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/13/14 02:06 PM

Oh my goodness shell that isn't obvious wink Look at the folks the WSs get themselves stuck with! If you haven't taken the time to grieve and get your confidence back, who knows what you would settle for? Never again!!!

Are there *any* of those affair relationships you look at and think would be good enough to settle for? For the rest of your life?!
Posted By: Shell shocked

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/14/14 10:06 AM

NED, I [i]know[/] first hand the type of people that the WS get "stuck" with. My WH chose a hideous looking she bloke. His own father selected the OW of the same caliber.

Thing is the WS does not know that they are settling when they take off with their AP & a lot of them end up staying with the AP long term. This is why I asked why the WS needs no time to grieve if they can hook up with the AP prior to ending their current relationship. I read the affairiages thread & we all know of instances where the WS & AP marry & seem to be happy. My WH father has been married to the OW for about 20 years BUT I don't believe it is happily ever after as my WH said some years ago that he doesn't think he is happy but he is stuck.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/15/14 01:22 PM

Look, running blindly from one relationship to the next isn't something that mature rational people do. That's what teenagers do. Mature rational people know how to be alone. They aren't afraid of it, they don't mind it, they enjoy the pleasure of their own company and know that the world won't stop spinning if they aren't "coupled" for a minute, an hour, a day, or a few years.

Once you figure that out, relationships start taking on a whole different type of character. It's difficult to describe, but you know it when you feel it. The desperation leaves the air completely. Not so much of as a whiff of it remains, and what grows from that is a true relationship of equals. Where no one can step easily into the "one up" position and ride roughshod over the other one. Where both people can just relax and not analyze every little thing. Where no one ever walks on eggshells, or makes grand overtures, or turns themselves inside out to please. It's a relationship where there is a quiet stillness in it, that doesn't require a frantic paddling beneath the surface to keep it moving at all times.

Not that it isn't work, because all relationships are. Just that the work isn't so intense and the work stays balanced most of the time. Fear is a bit player instead of the star forward in the relationship feelings team.

That's what you get if you spend some time working on you and learning to be okay alone. It's what you miss out on if just keep on running from relationship to relationship. You never make room in your life for something as wonderful as that. And that's quite a loss. When people advise you to wait for a while, it's because they don't want you to miss out on something so wonderful as that.

And I'm not even covering the amazingness of the relationship you get to have with YOURSELF. That's a whole separate thing, not for this post.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/15/14 01:41 PM

Shell, it is also important to note that in many cases the WS has been grieving the marriage for a long time. The end of the marriage may be a surprise to the BS, but the WS has been detaching for weeks or months or years.

I wholeheartedly endorse everything Miranda said too.
Posted By: Rich57

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/15/14 02:07 PM

On the flip side - I can now see that there are people that once divorced are also afraid to become a couple again.

Humans are meant to couple up.

Makes me wonder why older people have that have been badly burned are afraid to go near fire again.

Or do you think that is quite natural?
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/16/14 02:27 AM

Clearly waywards are not acting rationally for whatever reason. And some times Betrayeds do not behave rationally either. When I was divorcing men came at me from every direction. It was flattering, intoxicating and unmanageable. When my divorce was final I almost instantly became involved with a man. I cannot now believe I allowed myself to go down that path. It was only a couple of months and I did manage to extricate myself from him......but it really damaged me.

I was staggering with all sorts of grief after that...the end of my marriage, the devastation of xh taking home wrecker around my son, the embarrassment of having been involved with that man....it was horrible. Part of that I couldn't control...but I could have kept that man out of my life.

When I met dh it was different just like Miranda said. I met him just a year after D day....and we married quickly...but it was sooooo different from that first post divorce relationship.
Posted By: Shell shocked

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/16/14 03:40 AM

I have no problem being alone & do enjoy my own company. In fact when my WH went out on the odd occasion I looked forward to having the place to myself.  But it is very scary to think about being alone permanently frown

I agree that running from one relationship to another is a teenage thing. I believe my WH did this because he actually is scared to be alone. At the age of 43 he has only lived by himself for 18 months - that was the period between breaking up with his ex (she cheated) & meeting me.

When my WH left I took a good hard look at myself & know where I went wrong so I do believe I will be better equipped next time round. Ironically when my WH ex cheated on him he believed he was faultless as he was when he cheated on me. 

I am now at the 9 month mark & wonder if it's not too soon to at least start dating not for anything serious but to build up my confidence & self esteem - I can't divorce til December. The last date i went on was with my WH back in 2001! I am not the type to continue seeing someone I'm not interested in just for the sake of not being alone so I think I will be ok not selecting someone I'm not suited to - or I am fooling myself here?

My MIL never dated again after my FIL cheated on her for 7 years. I don't think she ever got over it. I don't want to be like that but I know it will take a lot for me to trust again.....
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/16/14 03:54 AM

Shell it is too soon. Wait until at least the legal divorce is final.
Posted By: Shell shocked

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/16/14 04:00 AM

Ok, thanks! I hope it's final by the end of this year. I'm not getting any younger smirk
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/16/14 01:26 PM

Originally Posted By: Shell shocked
 But it is very scary to think about being alone permanently frown


This ^^^ means it's still too soon, imo. You still feel like you NEED someone else. Otherwise it wouldn't be "very scary" to be alone permanently.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/16/14 01:39 PM

I was divorced at the 9-month mark, so I started dating. I was sure I was ready - I had done SOOO much work on myself. I was wrong.

My second date, a month after divorce, was with the man I eventually married. At that time, though, we didn't click enough. Three months later, he called me to see if I wanted to go out one more time, and then - THEN - I was really ready. I'm glad he was persistent wink I needed those 3 months to finish processing the divorce, to put aside my fear of being alone, and, really, to decide I didn't need anyone and wasn't going to date for a while (so, OF COURSE, he called the next day and I justified it because he wasn't "new").

When your self-esteem and confidence don't depend on what random men think of you or on how much attention you are getting, you'll be ready to date.

I highly encourage you to make a really good list of what you will eventually be looking for. Mine included
1. Characteristics I MUST have in a man
2. Characteristics I WANTED to see in a man
3. Absolute deal-breakers
4. Things I didn't like but that I might be willing to overlook

I made sure my list was concrete, and when I started dating, I looked for actions to back up the words. (For example, #1 on my list was someone who valued family. One man I went out with told me that his daughter was his first priority. Went on and on about it. Then I found out he only saw her two days a month even though she lived within 20 miles. Scratched him off the list.)

Take this time to figure out what you want, to figure out what you need to refine about yourself to attract what you want, and to make sure you also know what you don't want.
Posted By: Shell shocked

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/17/14 10:34 AM

Maybe that's my problem, I think I'm ready but I most likely am not. I never had a problem being alone before I meet my WH but now that he's gone it's different. It's hard after being with the same person for over 12 years & it's no longer we but me frown

Part of me doesn't want my WH pitying me that I'm still single while he is out there getting on with his life.  I know I shouldn't be thinking this way or caring what he is thinking, it's only because he became very arrogant & full of himself once this she bloke was on the scene.

I'm not the type to date random men but I hear what you are saying about confidence & self esteem. It's hard to feel confident when your H leaves you for another woman. 

I do have a list & next time round family is also big on my list! My WH never got on with his (adopted) sister & claimed it was because of the 6 year age gap but it didn't stop him hooking up with the OW who is more than 12 years younger than him. He despised his cheating father & was only close with his mum. In the whole time I was with my WH I saw my FIL only 3 or 4 times & one of those times included our wedding! I saw the sister no more than a dozen times & it was close to a year before I met her for the first time! I am very close with my family & it's only now in hindsight I can see how easy it would have been for him to detach from me since he had no close bonds with family members. I know I have gone off on a tangent here but this whole ordeal has made me realise how lucky I am to have such a loving caring family. I think family plays a big part of who we are as adults. 

It's funny that I have a couple of weird items on the list that wouldn't be there if I hadn't been with my WH. Like being house proud. All the housework was left up to me even though we both worked full time. I am a bit OCD & he didn't care for a clean house but his car had to be spotless. Spontaneity is another one. I don't want to be responsible for deciding everything we do or where we go.

Funny you say you didn't click initially with your H as I didn't either with my WH but unfortunately he pursued me. 

The most important thing as you say, is actions. Actions are what will indicate to me whether the person has the qualities I am looking for & I would rather take my time to know for sure rather than rush in & get hurt again.
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/17/14 05:51 PM

Spend your time doing THINGS, instead of going on DATES. Meetup.com, join classes, join clubs, do stuff, and see if you meet people who you feel 'natural' with. And volunteer! You can fill your time with plenty of stuff without having to have someone else 'choose' you; and that's stuff for your IC anyway. wink
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 09/29/14 12:33 PM

Shell, how's it going?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 10/04/14 02:05 PM

How's everyone doing?

I love how my relationship is going, but I have some nagging doubts. My boyfriend is awesome with his DS5, and good with my kids and family and friends, but relatively cold and distant with his own mom and brother. I know sometimes those things are warranted, but frankly I'm scared that I dug myself in over my head again. I want to talk to him about this, but concerned also that I won't like the answers.

On my must have list was close with his family. Did anyone else have something like that you gave up on that list once you were really connected with someone?
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 10/04/14 02:35 PM

I think it's worth noting and watching, NED. However, all my guys were very close to their mothers and siblings, and that didn't make them good husbands.

My niece's husband is very cold and distant to his parents and sister. I've just gotten bits and pieces of the reason over the years. It seems to be about their disappoint with him and partly about religion.

My niece was very concerned about it and tried to get him to be closer. I still remember the day she was so excited about being invited to dinner at their home. All went well, but nothing changed.

However, I've known him for 10 years and he's been a wonderful husband and father. He's been great with our family and her family. When my mother was sick (niece's grandmother) he was very considerate about weekends niece spent with us, instead of at home, and they both worked and had lots on their plate. When my sons visited summers, he went out of his way to entertain and include them all summer.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 10/04/14 07:31 PM

Believer, thanks for sharing your story about your niece's H, and I like your advice, keep noting and watching. I do get too far in everyone's life and it is nice to have some balance there. I shared with BF that I feel a little hemmed in sometimes, because YD is a homebody too, and so her weekends I try not to get to ether too much with everyone, but then that just leaves the weekends with my boyfriend to try to fit it all in, and he prefers one-on-one time too.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Adventures in Dating - 10/05/14 01:44 AM

Extended family is important to me - I host the holiday dinners, I'm the family historian, etc.

My H is extremely close to his mother and stepfather. He didn't even tell his bio dad that we were getting married. Bio dad moved away when he was 12, and lost interest after that. Not H's fault.

My xH and his mom's family were really close. His dad and that side of the family...a totally different story. xH and I tried, for a long time. It just wasn't reciprocated. So he gave up.

I would ask your boyfriend about the relationship with his family, find out what caused the distance, and whether or not he's comfortable with it. If it's niggling you, then you NEED to bring it up.

Is this the only thing that's making you fear you've gotten over your head again?
Posted By: Miranda

Re: Adventures in Dating - 10/06/14 03:34 PM

Ned,

I'm sure this was a "thing" for my husband with me as well. He's very tied in with his family. He talks to his mother often, very often. Family is super important to him. I'm not really tight with my family, and I've gone YEARS without speaking to my parents at times, for very good reasons. There's a boatload of dysfunction there, going way back.

Daryl has pushed at times for me to have more of a relationship with my folks. He's facilitated, he's shoved, he's been a bridge. All with varying degrees of success. He sees now WHY I've been estranged, and he's integrated himself in a role that helps instead of hinders healing.

I'm glad he didn't let it stop him from taking our relationship to the next level. But I can see why it would. It's a messy thing. But it has always been one of those things we've dealt with straight up front.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 10/06/14 07:02 PM

Miranda, I've known you for almost 2 years now, so when you have very good reasons, I have no problem taking your word for it. I think more time will help me with this too smile

On a positive note, can I just say, my mom *really* likes this one smile She didn't get the bad gut feel she had with B and L. That is really helping my trust my gut here too smile And my whole family fell in love with bf's DS5 smile
Posted By: catperson

Re: Adventures in Dating - 10/07/14 07:52 PM

I like that she likes him. Moms are usually very observant, AND particular.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 10/08/14 01:06 AM

Yes, she's less biased so she holds the bar high! She said he is a bit nerdy though lol wink
Posted By: Rich57

Re: Adventures in Dating - 11/12/15 01:15 AM

Resurrecting this thread, not sure if this is the current one,
however it will do for now.
I posted on this thread a year ago in September.
Since then I have been dating someone exclusively.
In February I will have been divorced for 4 years.
So I feel it is time to keep moving forward and not get stuck.
Yes grieving prior to dating is a must.

I must admit being with someone that has similar love languages as myself is very nice.
I have learned so much and one of the activities we did was to read His Needs Her Needs again, makes a big difference reading it when you relationship is not in crisis.


Oh and FTR I also met gr8 day 2b alive and his current GF.

OK anyone else around?
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: Adventures in Dating - 11/26/15 03:19 PM

I'm still here, thanks for the update! Yes it's awesome when you find that great fit!

I'm with the same guy, a year and a half now, and very happy smile
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/29/16 02:29 AM

I've stayed on the dating site just to keep up with the guys I've met. Some of them are friends.

I got this message Sunday night from a new guy -

"Do I read? ✔ Do I write? ✔ Do I lack facial hair? ✔ Am I not a serial killer? ✔ I enjoyed your profile, you have a great smile, I enjoy your sarcasm, and I'm glad you haven't been killed by an OKCupid serial killer. Hope you've been having an enjoyable weekend.

Scott"​"

Drat, the ✔ things are green check marks. I thought it was an attractive message, much better than the usual.
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: Adventures in Dating - 06/29/16 10:54 AM

That is cute. smile
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: Adventures in Dating - 07/26/16 02:06 AM

Yeah, but does he have a car?
Posted By: believer

Re: Adventures in Dating - 07/26/16 03:04 AM

Hehe, WUD.

You'll have to give online dating a try. It's lots of fun.
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