Marriage Advocates

Giving it 6 months

Posted By: Lil

Giving it 6 months - 02/13/19 07:31 PM

Before you all have conniptions, its not me, its a friend

I don't think I want advise, I just wanted somewhere to talk about it, where I know people will under stand

So, a dear friend told me last night that her fiance and her have 'had the talk', and they're going to give it 6 months. They have also told both set of parents. I kind of feel that they have essentially given up, to be honest. He has depression and anxiety, she is fairly detached already. A small complication is that when they went to the doctor to discuss the depression (and zero love life, anxiety, self harm thoughts etc) the doctor noticed a lump on his thyroid, so thats been sampled and sent away fro testing as well. He was tested for testosterone at the same time. That has come back fine, but still waiting on the thyroid. From the conversation I gather that the 6 month thing might be related to the possible outcomes of that.

I did talk to her about why women leave men, and bit about statistics of people who stay in a relationship and I will drop of HNHN to them but I dunno, it feels a bit pointless yanno
Posted By: TC_Manhattan

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/13/19 07:40 PM

For what it's worth, it could very well be the thyroid disorder that may play
havoc with his hormones and cause the depression, anxiety and loss of libido.

Something to definitely consider before calling off any future to the relationship.
I am glad to hear they are giving it at least 6 months.

I hope they ask their specialists about the hormone levels as they relate to his symptoms.

IMHO.

(It is great to see you here, Lil!)
Posted By: TC_Manhattan

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/13/19 07:47 PM

Here is a link to a brief overview:

Hypothyroidism In Men
Posted By: Lil

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/13/19 08:10 PM

I glad they are giving it 6 months too - as long as they use it to actually work on the relationship, and not on the separation....

I am going to talk to Flick about it and see if he could have a chat to her partner. I was going to but she made a comment on how when we had recently taken out dog for a walk, I made him feel unwanted, which made me sad because I don't really know him, but I had tried to include him in the conversation a couple of times. He's just very quiet and us ladies chat quite freely together. When I apologized to her she just said it was an example on how quickly he gets upset over stuff.

thanx for the link, I'll look at it a bit later - Im actually at work and being a bit naughty
Posted By: catperson

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/14/19 12:23 AM

For men who are depressed, withdrawn, not into sex...I have an opinion that men need to accomplish things. Like real, physical things. I think it goes back to caveman days when strength and action meant success for men. I think men in the last 50-75 years have strayed away from manual labor and accomplishing things and have thus suffered mentally from lack of achievement, lack of purpose, lack of belief in one's self. I often tell such men to pick a task, a manual task, and get to it. See if it makes him feel more worthwhile and happy.
Posted By: Chrysalis

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/14/19 05:43 PM

There's a difference between "giving it 6 months" and "taking no action for at least 6 months while we sort out some other life issues." Back in the bad old days I set times in the future and did not allow myself to think or talk divorce until those times had come and gone, be it 90 days, or after he survives heart surgery, or whatever.

It does sound as if he is seriously in need of treatment, whether for thyroid or depression or whatever. Maybe a recognition of that and changing it to "Give it 6 months of treatment" would be a more positive and hopeful step.
Posted By: Lil

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/14/19 11:30 PM

Test has come back negative which is awesome! Although if its not thyroid based, it does put us back into mental health issues which are more challenging.

He is an architect so while maybe not lots of manual labour, does require some. They have just built a house he designed and they are doing a fair bit of outdoor stuff to tidy it up.

So obviously I can only go on what she tells me, she said he is a nice guy, but boring, a real 'drip' in her words. However she also says he is very sensitive and assumes the worst of everyone. She also said they have nothing to talk about and nothing in common. She did agree she could work more on suggesting RC they both might enjoy. I get the feeling she feels she has carried the load for long enough now though, so is reluctant. She gives every impression of a WAW in the making. HIm I know less about.

I have warned her if he goes on the AD most prescribed in NZ, its not going to help their love life any frown
Posted By: TC_Manhattan

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/14/19 11:53 PM

Wow, so she waited until after they completed building a house together to decide they have no emotional connection?

I wonder if she considered IC to sort her own emotional needs for connection first, before she goes sticking the blame for their
lack of spark and future fully in his court. The world is not brimming with saviors out there, anyways not in my world.

Wow. I see, Lil..
I can't imagine what you (or anyone) can do to help them with this as a friend. Bummer.
Posted By: Blair

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/15/19 12:44 AM

Are you sure she's not in a side relationship? She seems detached and wants the designer house but doesn't seem invested in changes.
Posted By: Lil

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/18/19 12:37 AM

Yeah, I wasn't super impressed by the timing, and I have questioned her about the house. She says they cant afford the mortgage separately, cant afford to buy each other out, and it would be too weird to live as flat mates, so I am pretty sure it wasn't done with an intent to get a nice house. Just younger people not thinking about consequences.

I am mostly sure shes not in another relationship. She knows about my history (one of the VERY few pepole here that does) and as she is still angry with her dad having an affair, I think that's not the issue. More a WAW sort of situation
Posted By: star*fish

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/18/19 03:31 PM

If they're having this many problems before they get married--what happens when they get past the "honeymoon"? Or don't get one at all? If she's bored now, she'll hate him in year. Houses can be sold. That might not be what either of them want to do--but a house is not worth long-term unhappiness. I think this guy deserves someone who appreciates the good qualities he can bring to the table and a partner who isn't bored by his niceness. I think she deserves someone who isn't depressed or unavailable. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your friend. I'm just saying she isn't "into" him enough to marry him. If she's not absolutely bat-carp crazy about this guy right now--I seriously doubt it will get better. Why give it six months? Why not separate and see how that goes instead? See if they can find their way back to each other. They'll either realize how much they need each other--or be relieved they didn't pull the trigger. They aren't married yet--and THIS is the time to find out if they're happier apart. I hope she will NOT spend the next six months trying to make this work when her heart isn't in it.
Posted By: Blair

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/18/19 06:56 PM

Great advice, Star*Fish!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/19/19 01:51 PM

ITA ^^^ Great advice.
Posted By: Lil

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/21/19 11:31 PM

Originally Posted by star*fish
If they're having this many problems before they get married--what happens when they get past the "honeymoon"? Or don't get one at all? If she's bored now, she'll hate him in year. Houses can be sold. That might not be what either of them want to do--but a house is not worth long-term unhappiness. I think this guy deserves someone who appreciates the good qualities he can bring to the table and a partner who isn't bored by his niceness. I think she deserves someone who isn't depressed or unavailable. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your friend. I'm just saying she isn't "into" him enough to marry him. If she's not absolutely bat-carp crazy about this guy right now--I seriously doubt it will get better. Why give it six months? Why not separate and see how that goes instead? See if they can find their way back to each other. They'll either realize how much they need each other--or be relieved they didn't pull the trigger. They aren't married yet--and THIS is the time to find out if they're happier apart. I hope she will NOT spend the next six months trying to make this work when her heart isn't in it.


Wow, Star!!
Its like seeing a celebrity lol

Yes I entirely agree, which is why I didn't ask for advice, just somewhere to discuss it. I know I have a tendency to wanting to fix all relationships, and it makes me sad when they implode, but I do know not every relationship should be saved.
I havent actually seen her since the original discussion, but I will prolly see her this weekend. Our dogs have walking dates, and its been a while
Posted By: star*fish

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/23/19 03:36 PM

I'm a "fixer" too blush Keep us posted.
Posted By: right here waiting

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/23/19 05:56 PM

Just read through this thread, and had basically the same thoughts as Star.

I’m guessing your friend doesn’t want to hurt her fiancée by calling it quits (which I suspect she will do by the 6-month deadline), but is buying time to figure out how to handle it. It’s a sorry situation, but how much better to end a relationship that’s not working BEFORE it turns into a more unpleasant (and expensive) legal issue. Divorce is even more traumatic than breaking an engagement, and if/when a child or two should be thrown into the mix, it’s a recipe for misery for all involved.

Only thing I can suggest is that they get couple’s counseling and keep at it for the next six months. Personally, though, I think the relationship doesn’t have much of a chance. frown

All that said, it’s SO good to see you in these parts again, lil. We miss you.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: Giving it 6 months - 02/24/19 11:47 PM

Lil, share some of our stories with her and ask her if that is what she wants to experience or better yet, learn from our stories and avoid it being her experience. wink

However, be prepared that she won't get it and has to experience it herself. You can decide whether you are going to be there for her once she figures out later what we are all seeing now.

Take care,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: Giving it 6 months - 03/09/19 07:55 AM

I'm not going to share much with her, this is my safe place.

I had a good chat with her the other day, and it is no better, and frankly, worse.

I have started to give separation advice, and essentially told her that if she really does have one foot out the door, then she might as well be done.

I am sad. But I guess resigned as well
Posted By: Lil

Re: Giving it 6 months - 06/26/19 05:10 AM

Hi guys,

I thought I'd update this and then guess that will close it off.

They separated, and it was all very adult and amicable. They still live in the same house in a flatmate sort of scenario. The plan is to continue on with this until spring when they can finish the landscaping and then sell it. Neither is able to purchase the property on their own.

She has listed herself on tinder, and has had a couple of dates. He knows and again, was very amicable about it. She did say he seems fairly unconcerned about anything.

And, thats all folks
Posted By: Ace

Re: Giving it 6 months - 06/26/19 05:30 AM

Originally Posted by Lil
Hi guys,

I thought I'd update this and then guess that will close it off.

They separated, and it was all very adult and amicable. They still live in the same house in a flatmate sort of scenario. The plan is to continue on with this until spring when they can finish the landscaping and then sell it. Neither is able to purchase the property on their own.

She has listed herself on tinder, and has had a couple of dates. He knows and again, was very amicable about it. She did say he seems fairly unconcerned about anything.

And, thats all folks


Hi Lil, waves

Sounds like your friend is trying to make the best of a difficult situation. Glad you were able to be there for her.

Hope all's well with you and Mr. Flick. Thanks for updating us on the latest details.

Take care,
Ace
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