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The Joke Thread
#512
09/01/10 09:16 AM
09/01/10 09:16 AM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,426 Ness
Lil
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This is apparently the funniest joke in the world... A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?" The Second Funniest Joke ever: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. ‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Re: The Joke Thread
[Re: Lil]
#965
09/04/10 01:07 AM
09/04/10 01:07 AM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
believer
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Hope I don't get edited for this one -
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, you never done anything wild in your life?" With out batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, I was just wondering if you were my son."
"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
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Re: The Joke Thread
[Re: Chailover]
#3059
09/14/10 09:07 AM
09/14/10 09:07 AM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,426 Ness
Lil
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I have missed having somewhere to post my jokes....
THE JOB TEST
To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.
INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
ART: Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.
ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.
EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
MEDICINE: Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.
PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.
GOVERNMENT: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.
SOCIOLOGY: If you were an extinct society, what would you do?
PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.
EXTRA CREDIT: Define the universe; give three examples.
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Re: The Joke Thread
[Re: at peace]
#3809
09/15/10 09:29 PM
09/15/10 09:29 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,426 Ness
Lil
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Sorry I'm Late Mom
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.
"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
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Re: The Joke Thread
[Re: Lil]
#3810
09/15/10 09:36 PM
09/15/10 09:36 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,065
2long
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I ac2ally know someone who had a phone call like that.
A roommate of a good friend of mine, about 35 years ago, gets a call from a female voice he recognizes, but can't put a name 2. She starts talking 2 him all familiar-like, and he goes along because he'd be embarrassed 2 admit he can't figure out who she is, especially if it 2rns out 2 be a gal he met at a party and gave her his phone number - because she seemed 2 REALLY like him!
45 minutes later, they say there goodbyes, and she says "ILY, Larry." She and my friend Larry were engaged.
-ol' 2long
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Re: The Joke Thread
[Re: Larry]
#3835
09/15/10 10:31 PM
09/15/10 10:31 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
OurHouse
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1. The fattest knight and King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math destruction.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said "Keep off the grass".
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "are you sure?" The first one replies "yes, I'm positive".
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novcocain during a recent root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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