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The Joke Thread #512
09/01/10 09:16 AM
09/01/10 09:16 AM
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Ness
Lil Offline OP

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This is apparently the funniest joke in the world...

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

cool


The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #965
09/04/10 01:07 AM
09/04/10 01:07 AM
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believer Offline
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Hope I don't get edited for this one -

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, you never done anything wild in your life?"
With out batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock,
I was just wondering if you were my son."



"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: believer] #1036
09/04/10 05:58 PM
09/04/10 05:58 PM
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Posts: 7,386
right here waiting Offline
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Traffic Cameras

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I wasn't speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same result and was now
laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid.


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #2049
09/10/10 10:05 AM
09/10/10 10:05 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Ness
Lil Offline OP

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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

"And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

"He rang up a third time and said 'You're actually the new managing director.' And I went into a tree.

"So a policeman came up and asked, 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'"


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #2051
09/10/10 10:41 AM
09/10/10 10:41 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,430
Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Actual Classified Ads

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #2052
09/10/10 10:41 AM
09/10/10 10:41 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Ness
Lil Offline OP

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In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #2053
09/10/10 10:42 AM
09/10/10 10:42 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Some of the artists of the '60s & '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #2057
09/10/10 01:01 PM
09/10/10 01:01 PM
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2long Offline
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Guy goes 2 his doctor and says: "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself, lately."

Doctor replies: "Yes! And you look much better, 2!"

-ol' 2long

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: 2long] #2471
09/12/10 06:36 AM
09/12/10 06:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Ness
Lil Offline OP

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A Christian and an atheist were neighbors. The Christian one day yells ''Lord please sends me food''.

The atheist heard this and replies ''there is no GOD!''

The next day the Christian wakes up and goes to her porch to find that there were bags of groceries. She yells ''Thank You LORD for this food!"

As soon as soon as the Christian said that the atheist jumps out from the brush and replies ''your GOD didn't give you that food…I did!''

Without wasting a second the Christian yells to the LORD ''thank you for sending me this food and making the Satan pay for it''!

Last edited by lildoggie; 02/18/11 01:06 AM. Reason: duplicate posting

AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #2599
09/13/10 02:17 AM
09/13/10 02:17 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
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Chailover Offline
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Originally Posted by lildoggie
Some of the artists of the '60s & '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again


Oh Lil, those were hysterical.


Divorced 12/09
ex BW
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Chailover] #3059
09/14/10 09:07 AM
09/14/10 09:07 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,430
Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Ness
I have missed having somewhere to post my jokes....

THE JOB TEST

To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.

INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

BIOLOGY:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

ART:
Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.

ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.

EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

MEDICINE:
Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.

PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.

GOVERNMENT:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.

SOCIOLOGY:
If you were an extinct society, what would you do?

PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.

EXTRA CREDIT:
Define the universe; give three examples.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #3061
09/14/10 09:08 AM
09/14/10 09:08 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Payment Plan

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #3062
09/14/10 09:08 AM
09/14/10 09:08 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,430
Ness
Lil Offline OP

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today'sFUNNY===========================

English professor: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is
'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"

Student: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

today'sTHOT============================

Live each day like it's your last. One day you'll get it right.

=======================================


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #3066
09/14/10 09:52 AM
09/14/10 09:52 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Looking4 Offline
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Originally Posted by right here waiting
Traffic Cameras

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I wasn't speeding.
....
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid.


Since reading this last week, I have thought of this story as I approach an intersection that is photo enforced or when I approach a yellow light. And I usually giggle. I'm sorry it's at your expense, RHW, but the visual of someone cruisin' through an intersection as you did over and over again is hilarious.

Thanks for starting up this thread, Lil. Definitely a destination place for me on MA.


Married 19 years
Two children - DS12 & DD10
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Looking4] #3265
09/14/10 07:07 PM
09/14/10 07:07 PM
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Posts: 4,065
2long Offline
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Confucius say:

"He who travels middle of road get hit by traffic going both ways."

-ol' 2long

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: 2long] #3657
09/15/10 04:11 PM
09/15/10 04:11 PM
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OurHouse Offline
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We can't do embedded videos anymore (oops), so I'm posting this link instead. It's about 4 seconds long and there is NOTHING offensive or incriminating about it for those of you sensitive or opening from work. However, the laugh track is loud, so you might want to turn down the volume. And if you are under 40, you might not get it. LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFCCFS_lhA8

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: OurHouse] #3707
09/15/10 06:03 PM
09/15/10 06:03 PM
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OurHouse Offline
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Anyone else get such a kick out of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show?

His piece on Scott Brown's election ranks up there among all time funny, IMO...along with SNL's skit of Brown's first day in the Senate.. You can Google them on YouTube for a good belly laugh.

Anyway, he was quoted recently and I had to pass it along:

‎"The Summer of Recovery is apparently sliding into the Autumn of Nothing but Ramen Noodles for Dinner." - Jon Stewart on the state of the economy

Last edited by OurHouse; 09/15/10 06:04 PM. Reason: correct the reference
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: OurHouse] #3804
09/15/10 09:18 PM
09/15/10 09:18 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 771
southern USA
at peace Offline
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southern USA
A couple of Yankee salesmen were traveling through Kosciusko, Mississippi when they got into an argument over how to pronounce the name of the town. They bickered and argued...one guy saying "It's obviously Kohshusko", and the other swearing "No, it sounds like Kahziessko!"

Finally, they stopped at a fast food joint for lunch, and one of the salesmen tells the girl behind the counter about their argument. He asks her to pronounce the name of the place they're in, and say it slowly and clearly.

With an earnest look on her face, the girl says "You're in Daaaayyy Raaaayyy Quaaaayyyn."


"To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice."
wife...mom...nana...happy smile
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: at peace] #3805
09/15/10 09:20 PM
09/15/10 09:20 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
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southern USA
at peace Offline
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southern USA
I think Jon Stewart is hilarious. grin


"To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice."
wife...mom...nana...happy smile
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: at peace] #3809
09/15/10 09:29 PM
09/15/10 09:29 PM
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Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Sorry I'm Late Mom

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #3810
09/15/10 09:36 PM
09/15/10 09:36 PM
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2long Offline
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I ac2ally know someone who had a phone call like that.

A roommate of a good friend of mine, about 35 years ago, gets a call from a female voice he recognizes, but can't put a name 2. She starts talking 2 him all familiar-like, and he goes along because he'd be embarrassed 2 admit he can't figure out who she is, especially if it 2rns out 2 be a gal he met at a party and gave her his phone number - because she seemed 2 REALLY like him!

45 minutes later, they say there goodbyes, and she says "ILY, Larry." She and my friend Larry were engaged.

-ol' 2long

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: 2long] #3831
09/15/10 10:22 PM
09/15/10 10:22 PM
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Texas
Larry Offline
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I love observational jokes. I was walking through the Zona Rosa of Mexico City, which has a lot of little shops. One of them was a leather goods shop. Now it is that Mexico has some really, really good leather work, so I paused to look at the window and the things displayed in the window.

Someone had cut out the side of a cardboard box and written on it using some sort of black marker, then stuck it in the window. It said:

Si Habla Inglés

For those who don't speak Spanish, the translation is "Yes understand (or speak) English."

Larry


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Larry] #3832
09/15/10 10:24 PM
09/15/10 10:24 PM
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OurHouse Offline
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Where the heck did my puns go?

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Larry] #3833
09/15/10 10:27 PM
09/15/10 10:27 PM
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Texas
Larry Offline
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Texas

In the sixties, there was a Houston grocery chain that had many stores. The name of the chain was Mini-Max. Among other things, they were proud of their meat department.

So all of them had signs somewhere on the outside of their various stores that said, drum roll:

Mini-Max You can't beat our Meat!

I am not lying. I swear.

Larry


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Larry] #3835
09/15/10 10:31 PM
09/15/10 10:31 PM
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OurHouse Offline
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1. The fattest knight and King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math destruction.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said "Keep off the grass".

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "are you sure?" The first one replies "yes, I'm positive".

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novcocain during a recent root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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