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Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #440118
11/28/18 01:56 AM
11/28/18 01:56 AM
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Blair Offline
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Those are funny!!

A proton walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants anything, and he says he's fine. The bartender asks again, "Are you sure?" The proton replies, "I'm positive!"

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #440119
11/28/18 01:59 AM
11/28/18 01:59 AM
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Blair Offline
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One from my daughter (as I was complaining about a FedEx delivery problem today):

If FedEx had a stand-up comedy show, I wouldn't go. They're not so great at the delivery.

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #440471
12/12/18 12:51 AM
12/12/18 12:51 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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Ness
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #440553
12/18/18 03:29 AM
12/18/18 03:29 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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What happens to elves when they behave naughty?
Santa gives them the sack.

What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap.

What is a snowmans favorite breakfast?
Ice Crispies.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no-body to go with.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A Mince Spy!

What says 'Oh Oh Oh'?
Santa walking backwards!

What do you call a greedy elf?
Elfish.

What do zombies eat with their Christmas dinner?
Grave-y.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrot?

Whats the best Christmas Present?
A broken drum - you can't beat it.

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
Rude-alph!


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #440942
01/28/19 04:40 AM
01/28/19 04:40 AM
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1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
2. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
3. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
4. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
5. I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
6. My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
7. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
8. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
9. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
10. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
11. When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
12. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
13. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
14. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
15. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
16. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
17. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
18. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
19. Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
20. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
21. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
22. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
23. Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
24. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
25. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
26. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
27. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
28. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
29. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
30. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.
31. And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
32. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.
33. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
34. What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
35. Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #440944
01/28/19 09:24 AM
01/28/19 09:24 AM
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laugh1

Thanks, I needed that. smile


Orchid
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Orchid2] #440983
01/30/19 06:09 AM
01/30/19 06:09 AM
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right here waiting Offline
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Great to see you around again, lil!
I haven’t visited the joke thread in ages, but got something good to share the other day:

UPS Air Cargo

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in [Bleep!].
S: Something tightened in [Bleep!].
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in [Bleep!].
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last,
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #440984
01/30/19 06:17 AM
01/30/19 06:17 AM
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Originally Posted by right here waiting
Great to see you around again, lil!
I haven’t visited the joke thread in ages, but got something good to share the other day:

UPS Air Cargo

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in [Bleep!].
S: Something tightened in [Bleep!].
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in [Bleep!].
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last,
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.




Very cute, smile

Last edited by SmilingWife; 01/30/19 06:18 AM.
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #441005
01/31/19 02:01 PM
01/31/19 02:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
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PEEKSKILL NY
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Originally Posted by right here waiting

And the best one for last,
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


How did you figure out where I was with my hammer?

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Rich57] #441008
01/31/19 03:56 PM
01/31/19 03:56 PM
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Rich is a tiny airplane mechanic. Who knew?

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #441020
02/02/19 08:45 PM
02/02/19 08:45 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Jan. 26-Feb. 1):

ME: You did amazing

4: *proudly* I got a princess thing in my mouth.

ME: huh?

4: it’s silver...

ME: lol, a crown!

4: Yes, a princess crown.

****************************************

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

****************************************

Teen [on hold]: It says to put in my card number followed by the pound sign.

Me: Ok.

Teen: What’s a pound sign?

Me: Ugh. It’s the hashtag symbol.

Teen: THEN WHY DON’T THEY JUST SAY THAT.

Me: This is why no one my age likes anyone your age.

Enjoy! smile


Orchid
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #441184
02/14/19 11:59 PM
02/14/19 11:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Lil Offline OP

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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?”

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #441185
02/15/19 12:00 AM
02/15/19 12:00 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #441194
02/15/19 02:25 AM
02/15/19 02:25 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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Why did the chicken cross the road?


DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.


OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standin g order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay egg s, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&!&


ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?


PLATO: For the greater good.


KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM). Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens, along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry, to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was the solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?


MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.


RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road it transcended it.

THE WEATHER CHANNEL: El Niño is responsible for altering the regular North American migratory patterns of chickens, thus causing the chicken here in question to cross the road contrary to normal behavioral trends.

THE SIERRA CLUB: The inaction on the part of Congress to proactively engage the issue of Global Warming and to forge a bi-partisan coalition to resolve the dangers associated with worldwide climatic changes is responsible for the chicken forsaking its natural habitat for the opposite side of the unnatural, immoral, man-made roadway. Furthermore, the Sierra Club wishes to formally petition responsible members of government to officially designate this particular stretch of road as "Endangered Chicken-crossing Habitat" and permanently restrict public access to this region.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #441195
02/15/19 04:28 AM
02/15/19 04:28 AM
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Blair Offline
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Those are very well written. laugh1

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #441209
02/18/19 01:00 AM
02/18/19 01:00 AM
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Ness
Lil Offline OP

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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was deemed a weapon of math disruption......

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy......

I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.....

A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'We don't serve bacteria in this place.' The bacteria said, 'But I work here, I'm staph.'


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #441210
02/18/19 01:02 AM
02/18/19 01:02 AM
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From the old reunion station thread

Originally Posted by OurHouse
Puns? These should keep ya for a while:

1. The fattest knight and King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math destruction.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said "Keep off the grass".

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "are you sure?" The first one replies "yes, I'm positive".

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novcocain during a recent root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.




AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: OurHouse] #442430
05/02/19 01:57 AM
05/02/19 01:57 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,204
Monterey, CA
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[Linked Image]
“How could you just walk out on me like this? And, by the way, ‘nit-picking’ has a hyphen.”


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #442609
05/10/19 07:43 PM
05/10/19 07:43 PM
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Posts: 10,749
HI
I love my cousin. While I don't FB, I do read some of the interesting things she sends. Here is her latest:


My stomach is flat.
The "L" is silent.
laugh1

Sorry, I don't know how to paste her entire minion quotes. dunno

But I liked this one. smile

Have a nice day!

Last edited by Orchid2; 05/10/19 07:43 PM.

Orchid
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Orchid2] #442612
05/11/19 01:06 AM
05/11/19 01:06 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,406
right here waiting Offline
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President
right here waiting  Offline
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President
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,406
Then you’ll like this, Orchid:


I’m fat, but I identify as skinny.
I’m trans-slender.


lol

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: right here waiting] #442613
05/11/19 01:18 AM
05/11/19 01:18 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,749
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
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Orchid2  Offline
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O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,749
HI
I like it!!!! ROFL


Orchid
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Orchid2] #442615
05/11/19 05:09 PM
05/11/19 05:09 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,204
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Fiddler  Offline
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Posts: 6,204
Monterey, CA
I’m in shape .....


.... ‘cause round is a shape! grin


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Fiddler] #442616
05/11/19 07:13 PM
05/11/19 07:13 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,749
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
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Orchid2  Offline
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O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,749
HI
Originally Posted by Fiddler
I’m in shape .....


.... ‘cause round is a shape! grin



lol Too funny Fiddler. lol


Orchid
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #442891
05/28/19 06:46 PM
05/28/19 06:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,204
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Fiddler  Offline
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Posts: 6,204
Monterey, CA


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #443909
08/23/19 04:58 AM
08/23/19 04:58 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,444
Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,444
Ness
To: Master of the house
From: Dog
Subject: Cat

Master:

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It is time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling.

You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table--actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab--and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what is important?

Then there is play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This cannot be sanitary.
And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture plus my nose.

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who feels the cat is an evil person. Here is a note from the hamster:

To: Master of the house
From: Hamster
Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed,
Hamster
Department of Rodent Wheels

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality TV show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws--you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time!

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I will be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I've got to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the number-one pet.

Yours truly,
The Dog


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


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