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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443842
08/15/19 03:14 PM
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Bud, she's an X and doesn't get a vote in your life anymore. What she thinks doesn't matter anymore. She took herself out of the equation. You would be smart to cut her out and learn to ignore. Do you really want a selfish person controlling you? Remember, she destroyed your marriage and family. You have to deal with it effectively. Like a lot. You gave her what she wanted now it's not like she envisioned. She made that bed so let her lie in it. Alone.

Your kids will be better off with a happier father. I get a missed weekend. Got it but your life counts as well.


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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443843
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Keep this in mind. Most people do not change once they reach a certain age.

Don't fall into the trap of expecting your X to have an epiphany and suddenly "get it". If you do all you'll get is constant dissapointment.

She put you where you are but you are the only one that can get yourself out of it.

You've done well so far. Keep moving forward. You'll be glad you did.


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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443845
08/15/19 08:02 PM
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I would not do it .

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443846
08/15/19 08:19 PM
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Why a whole weekend when this is a new relationship?

A couple hours for a date you can get a babysitter, and not lose your time with your children. This weekend stuff feels over-committed. For real, if you were in your original marriage with no infidelity, would you give up a whole weekend? Most couples I know with young children only do that maybe once or twice a year, but not every month and certainly not every week.

Get down to your core values. What matters most here?

Your children will grow up very fast. You only get them 1/2 of their childhood now.

Behaving in conflict with core values creates stress. It will add stress to this relationship you have now. So don't do it.


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443847
08/15/19 08:28 PM
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Kayla said it well. I am typing on my phone or I would say more.

And it has zero to do with your ex or how she feels .

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443848
08/15/19 08:46 PM
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Your kids are really young. I'm not sure I'd be taking weekends away from them at that age just for the woman you're dating. Sorry. But I'm on the other end now, and I regret all the times I tried to get 'free time' away from my kid, so maybe that's just me. If you guys are expecting to have a committed relationship, I'd rather see you pouring that effort into creating a more cohesive family.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Marc878] #443849
08/15/19 10:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Marc878
Bud, she's an X and doesn't get a vote in your life anymore. What she thinks doesn't matter anymore.


^^^ Totally agree on this!

Taking a couple hours on one evening to go on a date is completely fine. If you have a sitter with your kids and that's it or becomes quite regular then it should be fine. However, I would not recommend taking a weekend away from the kids. If that gets back to the judge or the attorneys involved, it could cause problems.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443852
08/16/19 12:18 AM
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Now that I am not on my phone,.....please don’t leave your children for the Weekend. They need to be your top priority right now.

My husband always always always got his boys every minute he was allowed by law and every minute extra xw would allow....the exception was the weekend we got married....after the wedding he had his mom take them for the rest of the weekend.

You will regret giving up your time with them.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: SmilingWife] #443853
08/16/19 12:20 AM
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It is important to show regularity to the children and the court system. Get a babysitter as needed but don't let that be the norm. Your time with your children is your time.

You realize the WS probably does the same 'baby sitter' thing but may think you are to be held to a higher or different standard. You don't owe her a reason for getting a sitter once in a while. Just don't make it what you are known for.

Again, do what works for you, your children and the court.

jmo,
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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Orchid2] #443855
08/16/19 07:05 PM
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Just to clarify, what I am asking about is taking one weekend in the next 4-6 months to go on a trip out of town and maybe getting a sitter once/twice a month for a few hours. I have been seeing this woman for 4 month now, so it's new but not that new. We both like to travel, but currently schedules do no allow it.

Is there really anything that she could do with the courts by me taking a 3 day vacation once or twice a year since the divorce was finalized a year ago? I would not tell her who I was going with, but she will certain assume. I only ask because a few of you have mentioned courts. Up until now I never really gave up time with my kids....but am trying to find a way to make a relationship work as well.

As it is now our kids do get to go and spend some weekends each year with her parents (their grandparents) once in a while on her time, which I allow as the kids get to enjoy other experiences and bond with their grandparents which they really enjoy. They have always done this and is nothing new. They are 7 & 9 now.

Originally Posted by Keyla

This weekend stuff feels over-committed. For real, if you were in your original marriage with no infidelity, would you give up a whole weekend? Most couples I know with young children only do that maybe once or twice a year, but not every month and certainly not every week.


Yes, when we were married we allowed our kids to spend weekends with their grandparents (who lived 3 hours away) multiple times a year as I mentioned above.

Originally Posted by Keyla

Behaving in conflict with core values creates stress. It will add stress to this relationship you have now. So don't do it.


Not sure I follow what you are saying here.

Last edited by HurtSam; 08/16/19 07:58 PM.
Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443856
08/16/19 09:35 PM
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We are helping you prepare for a more worst case scenario so you are better prepared. The BS can avoid more issues if they take the high road being prepared.

Being reasonable is good but remember who you are dealing with. The WS is looking to make you fail. Being fair needs to be tempered with being cautious.

Make your plans, have back up as needed by asking for others to help. You do have to work harder, for now.

Once she realizes she can't crush you, then you may be able to deal with her on more amicable terms.

Just because you are making a reasonable request, don't expect her to agree or comply.

Your mind and heart needs to adjust since you are now dealing with a WS instead of your real wife.

jmo,
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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443857
08/16/19 11:41 PM
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Orchid, I am pretty sure the divorce is final.

Hurtsam remind me how long have you been divorced?

A weekend away from your kids a few times a year isn’t so bad. And I don’t think the courts will care as long as the kids are provided for during your time away. But your kids are young. Just remember that.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: SmilingWife] #443858
08/16/19 11:45 PM
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Legally divorced for a little over a year. It’s been a little over 1.5 years since we split up.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443859
08/17/19 01:36 AM
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Maybe in a perfect world you could devote 100% of your time to your kids until they're 18 but thats not practical unless you're willing to become a celibate monk.

Like most you will want another relationship which without any time together you won't have one.

You have to figure out how to balance it out. Not an easy task at all but if you work together and make it even out you'll find a way.

Your X is butt hurt because you weren't supposed to be able to replace her so easily. Don't look for anymore help there.

Be advised no other woman is going to want an X in the mix so limited contact (kids only) is your only good path. From what you've posted she will sabotage if she gets a chance.

Long term if this does work out and it becomes apparent this will become long term it'll be a lot easier. However, until that happens I would not introduce the kids to her.


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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443860
08/17/19 02:02 AM
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I might add you didn't want this. Your X forced it on you but you are going to have to deal with it so take anything she has to say with a grain of salt.

Shes just your typical cheater who wants everything her way and at your expense. It's always going to be all about her. You or your kids didn't matter in making her choice/decision did it?

This is the person who destroyed your marriage and family. Any input from her should be null and void. Go your on way.


Last edited by Marc878; 08/17/19 02:02 AM.

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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443861
08/17/19 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by HurtSam
Legally divorced for a little over a year. It’s been a little over 1.5 years since we split up.


Yes but you can be hauled to court at anytime if the WS thinks it is worth her while to drag you there. It could be made up charges about you not abiding by the child visitation, having other adults around your children, attempt to get more child support, all of which will raise your conduct.

My point is plan ahead enough to stay ahead of it all, as much as possible.

jmo,
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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443862
08/17/19 06:54 PM
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He could remain celibate without becoming a monk. Some people do you know.

I would not be too concerned about the courts getting involved. If she takes you back to court over missing one weekend visitation every 6 months she will just be looking for a reason to go to court. But court cost money....so I doubt she will go to court....she will more than likely just try to berate you constantly which is why you need as little contact with her as necessary.

You owe her zero explanation about where you are. This is how it works

Xw, I will be unable to take the kids for this coming weekend visitation. I would like to trade weekends. ( she will refuse). Ok then, In accordance with our first refusal clause, do you want to keep them?

At that point she will bombard you with where, who, why and you are a terrible father type comments. Ignore all of it. Ask again, do you want to keep them or should I make arrangements for a sitter? She will probably say she will keep them. Then look for her to bail at the last minute in an effort to sabotage your plans. So have a last minute back up sitter. Which you do not have to tell her about or get her approval on.

It is exhausting, But the less you tell her the better.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443863
08/17/19 07:33 PM
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You only owe her an explanation if you both have "first right of refusal" in your Decree.

I would caution you about taking a weekend without your children. Your children will remember their dad going on dates if It is only an evening or an afternoon. But a weekend every couple of months for their dad to go be with his girlfriend is an entirely different matter. Your kids will remember that. They are looking to you to be the normal parent, the safe parent. You will have to determine if that's something you want to teach your kids at the age they're at or if you want to wait until they're teenagers and understand better.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Blair] #443866
08/19/19 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Blair
You only owe her an explanation if you both have "first right of refusal" in your Decree.


We have this in our decree, but it doesn't say anything about providing explanation. Not sure I understand why I would have to give any reason to her.

Originally Posted by Blair
I would caution you about taking a weekend without your children. Your children will remember their dad going on dates if It is only an evening or an afternoon. But a weekend every couple of months for their dad to go be with his girlfriend is an entirely different matter.

Understood. It's not every couple months but more like once, maybe twice in the next year. Regardless, they would not know who I am going with.....at least for now. Long term that could change, but so could a lot of things where this may no longer be an issue.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443868
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"First right of refusal". AlI I would do is inform her if she wants the kids. It's a yes or no. She doesn't need to know anymore than that. The less engagement you have with her the better. Keep your personal business to yourself. It's none of her business.

Your kids are your biggest priority right now but they will grow up and eventually have their own life at some point. Once mine got to a certain age they went their own way. That's life.

Your life counts too. It'll just take more effort and planning on your part. Nothing you've posted is unreasonable.

Life is very short and the one thing you'll never get back is time/life.

It's normal for most to want some form of a relationship. I hope you find a good balance for yourself. It's doable if you plan it right.

Keep one thing in mind. A relationship is a want but you don't need anyone. You've experienced this already. If it's not working out dump quick and don't waste your time. There is no one and only soulmate. There are many who can fit that bill.
You just have to find the right one.

Last edited by Marc878; 08/19/19 04:19 PM.

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Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443870
08/19/19 04:53 PM
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You don't have to give your Ex a reason on "first right of refusal" but if it is in your Decree you must notify her and either (1) let her have your kids for that time or (2) she chooses not to have them.

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Blair] #443872
08/19/19 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Blair
You don't have to give your Ex a reason on "first right of refusal" but if it is in your Decree you must notify her and either (1) let her have your kids for that time or (2) she chooses not to have them.


Yep, agreed. This would happen and has happened all along. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing something. Thx!

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: Marc878] #443873
08/19/19 05:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Marc878

It's normal for most to want some form of a relationship. I hope you find a good balance for yourself. It's doable if you plan it right.

Keep one thing in mind. A relationship is a want but you don't need anyone. You've experienced this already. If it's not working out dump quick and don't waste your time. There is no one and only soulmate. There are many who can fit that bill.
You just have to find the right one.


It's funny, we actually talked about this very thing the other night. We both believe this, that there is no one and only soulmate and that there are many that fit the bill. We are both on the same page that neither would waste our time if things weren't work. The good news, she is a good woman with the right values/morals. We are both on the same page as far as trying to make it work through these harder times, it's just about finding that balance which is why I am asking all these questions. I think I understand my path forward from here!

Re: Affair + possible mid-life crisis = HELP! [Re: HurtSam] #443874
08/19/19 06:44 PM
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Sounds good. If this progresses and it’s a good long term fit.

Then and only then you can bring the kids in.

They may benefit greatly by knowing and being around someone that’s not like your X.


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