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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443806
08/09/19 06:05 PM
08/09/19 06:05 PM
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Marc878 Online
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How's it going?


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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443813
08/11/19 03:17 PM
08/11/19 03:17 PM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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Hi Mark, it’s the same status quo. Not much discussion. She keeps ranting sometime that I am gone.

She just informed our cleaner that I am not in this home for long time. She keeps telling me that I am holding her back by not agreeing on mutual divorce. She also says that I am meeting and talking to the guy and challenges me to stop if I can. I mostly ignore what she says. However, I made it clear that any divorce related thing, my attorney will deal with it.

She still tries to provoke by sometime getting abusive. I am ignoring all those for now

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443814
08/11/19 03:42 PM
08/11/19 03:42 PM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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Also wanted to add that I was out last week on business trip. Since I have come, she has taken a bit of aggressive posture. She is now telling in front of the kids that I will come and get you when your dad will do business trips, etc.

She seemed to be getting milder last week but this week seems like her bitterness is back. Two weeks ago, I had reached out to the OM family members and had exposed him to them. And I also exposed to few in his neighborhood.

He responded to my exposure with the text below
======
“This matter involves 3 and ONLY 3 people - you, [redacted] and me. I have considered restraining order on you for your actions but that may impact your immigration status and my intention is not to hurt you in any way over and above the feeling of hurt you are already carrying.

This was never personal between you and me because the basis of this relationship was not to cause anyone harm. None of us would wantonly hurt anyone. A situation involving 2 consenting adults has happened and we are where we are. 3+ months have passed since this has come out and reality needs to sink in and accepted for everyone to move on in life.

Hope healing starts soon and sanity prevails all around.”
=====

I ignored the text. He had copied my wayward also in the text.


Just to remind that OM and I know each other for the past 30 years. He lives 4 miles away from my home in another neighborhood

Last edited by Fiddler; 08/12/19 06:13 AM. Reason: Redacted name
Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443815
08/11/19 04:42 PM
08/11/19 04:42 PM
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Cheater script. Nothing more.

We didn't want anyone to know about our dirty affair secrets. Really? Sorry but there are consequences for cheating behavior.

The harm is they destroyed your family and marriage plus impacted your children. Of course cheaters see no harm in their actions.

He can't do a thing about you telling the truth. It was your only option.

Judge I want a restraint order against Gkumar for telling everyone the truth about me having a sexual affair with his wife.

You see how stupid this sounds, right?

At this time the harder no contact you can pull the better.

You've done all you can do. Cut off any Mr Nice Guy approach. That won't get you a thing.







Last edited by Marc878; 08/11/19 04:44 PM.

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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443816
08/11/19 04:46 PM
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I can't remember if you've informed your kids but you need to in a sanitized way. It'll only help them through this.

Lies and keeping them in the dark only increase anxiety.

They aren't stupid


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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443817
08/11/19 04:49 PM
08/11/19 04:49 PM
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If you haven't download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Glover

It's a free PDF and short. It should give you some great info on effectively dealing with this.


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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443818
08/11/19 06:11 PM
08/11/19 06:11 PM
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Don't engage with your Wayward wife. Make sure you have a recording device around for when she becomes abusive. You may not be able to use it in your state if you are a two-party state but it proves that you were not abusive to her (if she starts claiming that). Don't tell her; keep recordings in a safe place.

Be strong.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Marc878] #443819
08/11/19 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Marc878
I can't remember if you've informed your kids but you need to in a sanitized way. It'll only help them through this.

Lies and keeping them in the dark only increase anxiety.

They aren't stupid


Yes, my girls know. They will turn 10 and 13 in a month. I usually give them update in a weekly basis. So far they know that her may leave because she keep telling it openly at home now. Last week I was on business travel and she said in future when I travel, she will keep them wherever she lives.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Marc878] #443820
08/11/19 08:54 PM
08/11/19 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Marc878
Cheater script. Nothing more.
We didn't want anyone to know about our dirty affair secrets. Really? Sorry but there are consequences for cheating behavior.
The harm is they destroyed your family and marriage plus impacted your children. Of course cheaters see no harm in their actions.
He can't do a thing about you telling the truth. It was your only option.
Judge I want a restraint order against Gkumar for telling everyone the truth about me having a sexual affair with his wife.
You see how stupid this sounds, right?
At this time the harder no contact you can pull the better.
You've done all you can do. Cut off any Mr Nice Guy approach. That won't get you a thing.


This rat dared to copy my wayward and write this message. I was very angry and told her that he should save his citizenship that he acquired a few years ago. If it comes to divorce, I will file for at fault adultery case and pull him in to the court and have adultery in his public record. I forwarded his message to all his friends and family.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443821
08/11/19 10:29 PM
08/11/19 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Gkumar
This rat dared to copy my wayward and write this message. I was very angry and told her that he should save his citizenship that he acquired a few years ago. If it comes to divorce, I will file for at fault adultery case and pull him in to the court and have adultery in his public record. I forwarded his message to all his friends and family.


GK, No, learn how to use this to your advantage. Let's refocus on what the WS wrote to get to the real intent and help you respond.

Ws: (paraphrased): Issue only between OM, WS and BS.

Translation: You exposed me and I'm pretending to make this look like the A only affects the 3 mentioned above.

Realty: Not true. Each group you exposed to has either been affected or will be affected. Even the cleaner your WS exposed to.

Refocus POV: Don't be angry, be glad the OM responded. It is am admission that you may be able to present as evidence to show the story flow. Then build the change to support your stance.

This will happen again if you play it smart.

Now there is some reverse babble tactics you can learn to help you received, process, handle and respond as needed. it is to be used sparing but effectively.

I have to scoot to a meeting but will check back this evening.

jmo,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443822
08/12/19 12:28 AM
08/12/19 12:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Gkumar
Originally Posted by Marc878
I can't remember if you've informed your kids but you need to in a sanitized way. It'll only help them through this.

Lies and keeping them in the dark only increase anxiety.

They aren't stupid


Yes, my girls know. They will turn 10 and 13 in a month. I usually give them update in a weekly basis. So far they know that her may leave because she keep telling it openly at home now. Last week I was on business travel and she said in future when I travel, she will keep them wherever she lives.

That's why you have to have a legal separation notice or a legal divorce. Once you have that, she will not be able to just say 'I'm taking the kids whenever I want to.'

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443837
08/14/19 06:01 AM
08/14/19 06:01 AM
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Marc878 Online
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You want to save your marriage but right now she doesn't.

You can't make her love you nor can you control anything she does.

She's told you and shown you she doesn't care. Unless that changes you have nothing to work with. It would be in your best interest to believe her.

Let her go fully and free yourself in the process. You can waste a lot of time/life in these situations that you'll never get back.

If exposure didn't work you have no cards left to play.

Good luck


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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443886
08/21/19 12:02 PM
08/21/19 12:02 PM
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G’Day All, thank you for all your support and advise! It’s almost a week since I updated. The situation remains the same. We had her childhood family friend visiting our home over the weekend. I had exposed this affair to them. My WS had refused to talk to them, however, her friend poked her to know what she wants to do. Her response was that I will never forget and forgive, so she has no choice but to leave. Last week a couple of times she was aggressor in context of sleepover of kids at friends place who has discontinued contact with my wS.

Other than that not much interaction with her or my in-laws. Once she walked to my bedroom and tried to talk. In essence she said I will never come to know the full details. And she will soon start d process. She said she is waiting on for a couple of things before she starts. I offered my help to expedite those 1 or 2 things. She responded I do not have fix timeline to start D.

Other than that she continues to make dinner and send kids to ask me for dinner. A couple of times I overheard she being abusive.

I also learned from my next door neighbor that the OP use to be overnight visiter to my home when I was on business trip. This goes back little more than 3 years.

Her demeanor is positive and confident in front of all including her parents. She tries to project as if nothing happened. She is extremely good at this.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443887
08/21/19 12:03 PM
08/21/19 12:03 PM
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Quick question: is there a website where I can register OP as adulterer?

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443890
08/21/19 12:15 PM
08/21/19 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Gkumar
Her response was that I will never forget and forgive, so she has no choice but to leave.

You can forgive, but you should never forget. If you do forget, you will have to learn the painful lesson again.

Originally Posted by Gkumar
A couple of times I overheard she being abusive.

Document it in detail.

Originally Posted by Gkumar
I also learned from my next door neighbor that the OP use to be overnight visiter to my home when I was on business trip. This goes back little more than 3 years.

Does your attorney need an Affidavit from your neighbor?

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443891
08/21/19 12:21 PM
08/21/19 12:21 PM
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Get a notebook and write everything down in it, day by day. If she becomes abusive to the kids, if you have it documented, day by day, that might help you get custody and help your kids.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443895
08/21/19 04:39 PM
08/21/19 04:39 PM
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Marc878 Online
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Cheater logic = I’m having an affair which destroyed our marriage and family but I won’t forgive you for exposing it ???

You can never rationalize the irrational. It’s a waste of your time talking to her. Keep it about kids/business only.

Ramp up exposure on other man, business associates, etc,

He foolishly tried to do damage control on you.

I’d use his own emails against him.


Last edited by Marc878; 08/21/19 04:40 PM.

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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443896
08/21/19 04:49 PM
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If you’ve decided divorce is your path now you don’t need to expose further but it does get you some closure IMO


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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443897
08/21/19 08:14 PM
08/21/19 08:14 PM
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Orchid2 Online
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So the OM has been seen by your children? Are your children in counseling over this?


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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Marc878] #443914
08/23/19 11:48 AM
08/23/19 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Marc878
If you’ve decided divorce is your path now you don’t need to expose further but it does get you some closure IMO

I have decided not to initiate divorce from my side. She keeps telling that let’s mutually agree. I have told her that neither I am holding you back nor asking to go. If you decide to go, I will have attorney take care of everything including custody of child.

I think her parents are putting pressure on her not to leave home. I don’t she has courage too. Almost 100% friends we have in common with her OP. Op and I know each other from the college days - 30 years. And my marriage is for 15 years.

I have no conversation with her or her parents in the past 2-3 weeks.

Y’day was my younger daughter 10th Birthday. Most of our family friends came home and coordinated it through me. She was extremely upset of being isolated. She attempted multiple times to sarcastically talk. I responded, as per you we are not going to stay too long under one roof, so let’s stay peacefully.

She prepared food, etc and was good host and talked to everyone as if nothing happened.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Orchid2] #443915
08/23/19 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Orchid2
So the OM has been seen by your children? Are your children in counseling over this?

This has been key in our divorce discussion. I have made this clear that our kids are not going to see the face of OP. I am fine to give 50% custody as long as they do not see his face. She fights over it by saying I will take them where ever she wants. I have told her that it will be a court battle.

So far my kids have not seen the OP after the DDay.

Children counseling - I took them to one session and after that they are refusing to go there at all. I will take them, especially younger one again.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: catperson] #443916
08/23/19 11:55 AM
08/23/19 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by catperson
Get a notebook and write everything down in it, day by day. If she becomes abusive to the kids, if you have it documented, day by day, that might help you get custody and help your kids.


Thank you, Yes I am documenting most of the event on a daily basis.

Incidentally, there is an neighborhood party invite in October. She advised to accept adding a rider, if she stays, she will come smile . She has no courage to leave. She may make some move when her parents are gone in Nov

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Marc878] #443917
08/23/19 11:58 AM
08/23/19 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Marc878
Ramp up exposure on other man, business associates, etc
I’d use his own emails against him.

Yes, I have reached out to a few to impact his business interests. I am waiting discussion with a key contact.

I forwarded his text to all his friends again.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443918
08/23/19 12:00 PM
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Recommendation on any website where I can register my wife and his OP as cheater and family wrecker?

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443919
08/23/19 12:04 PM
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Nope. There used to be one and it was sued out of existence.

And you seem to be focusing your attention and ire at the OM rather than your wife. SHE is the one who cheated on you, not him.

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