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Save Marriage After Exposure #443474
07/07/19 01:05 PM
07/07/19 01:05 PM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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Hello There,

I am an Indian guy mid 40's who recently (April 16, 2019) discovered my wife's (age 43) affair with one of my best friend who lives a couple of miles away from my home.

We are married for 15 years with two beautiful daughters 13 and 10. My wife used to work for him in an IT consulting and subsequently, they both joined a company in Mar 2016. It is likely the closeness started there. He affair partner lost his job in Oct 2016, however was very frequent in visiting my home. My wife also started an adult care business along with him in Mar 2017 making a significant amount of investment ($150k + putting our rental propery ($250k) for loan).

I confronted her for the 1st time in August 2017 which she completely denied. I felt shame and guilt of accusing my wife of and never talked about it again.

After the DDay April 2019, I discovered some nasty lies and deceit such as making business trips several time in the past 2-3 years, taking work from home but working from his home, leaving early for office and coming late, etc. Also note that business trip was with the affair partner who was not working in the same company. She use to meet this guy a couple of hours in the neighborhood before going to office and parks + finding isolated place (including hotel) for the physical activities including in car. Needless to say that the trauma that I currently going through.

Honestly, I did not know about affair, etc until the past few weeks. My initially thought this may be just outside marriage sexual activities, etc. My response was that of extreme anger and disclosed the affair and gory detailes to close fiends where we togther use to spend time on weekends, holidays, etc. All friends were shocked with the news and choice of the person in terms of looks, his social behavior, etc (he is rich though). My wife likes gifts and lots of attention, and I thought she fell for all those.

I also informed her parents and brother who lives in India and the UK. Subsequently kids also came to know about this and living in a fearful environment that we will separate.

Its almost 12 weeks from DDay, my wife is extremely angry about the exposure and letting the friends, parents and kids know about this. She is also very angry that I talk to frinds for support. I have also discovered that she is making several phone call from her office to her affair partner after the DDay. My wife is also puttting all the blame on me for her affair but agrees that it was wrong. She also says that she did not plan and it just happened. The guy was very persistent.

After lots of emotional gymastics, I made a decision that I will want to keep the marrige alive and do not let the family break apart. I want to give kids mom and dad under one roof. My in-laws are currently visiting us to help in reconciliation. Ssometime I feel bad decision getting in-laws but they also wants this marriage to continue. However, my wife is determined to leave the marriage. She is hung up on to make this a joint decision. I keep insisting that decsion to leave is her and not mine. Daily living has become very toxic. She gets extremely angry when I try to even touch her. She get very upset when try to talk about the timeline of affair. She has not disclosed anything on her own.

I find it stupid that she has turned the table around and threatening to divorse. I am also noticing that he conviction to leave is getting stronger every day. She also says that she would not have left if I had not disclosed affair and details to friends, parents, brother and kids.

Any advise on saving this marriage will be helpful.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443475
07/07/19 04:13 PM
07/07/19 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Gkumar

Any advise on saving this marriage will be helpful.


Hi Gkumar,

Welcome to Marriage Advocates but so sorry you have a need for this type of assistance.

It would be helpful if you could ask the moderators to move your thread to the "Infidelity" forum where more people will be able to read your story and offer advice.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443476
07/07/19 05:56 PM
07/07/19 05:56 PM
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Welcome to Marriage Advocates. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here. There are many of us here who have been in your shoes.

As Ace said, please ask the mods to move your thread to the Infidelity forum where more members check in often.

The one thing you should know right now is that your wife is following the "Cheaters Handbook" verbatim right now. She's blaming her affair on you and threatening divorce because the kids know now. The affair is so entrenched by now that she was planning to leave anyway. Do you have support around you to help? Do you live in an at-fault state/province?

One more thing - do you have your evidence saved in two places (away from your home) that she she cannot get to?

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443477
07/07/19 06:40 PM
07/07/19 06:40 PM
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It takes two for a marriage. Right now your wayward wife is unavailable. Unless that changes you have nothing to work with.

I think exposure was a good thing. Maybe she should have thought about consequences before having an affair.

Let that be her problem not yours. The truth is a good thing. Plus it's it he best way to end an affair. You can't fix or work on anything with an ongoing affair. The OM must be banned completely and permanently for a chance to maintain your marriage.


CPA
Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443478
07/07/19 06:48 PM
07/07/19 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Gkumar

Its almost 12 weeks from DDay, my wife is extremely angry about the exposure and letting the friends, parents and kids know about this. She is also very angry that I talk to frinds for support. I have also discovered that she is making several phone call from her office to her affair partner after the DDay. My wife is also puttting all the blame on me for her affair but agrees that it was wrong. She also says that she did not plan and it just happened. The guy was very persistent.

The OM was a part but your wife is the main culprit. This was on her you didn't cause it

After lots of emotional gymastics, I made a decision that I will want to keep the marrige alive and do not let the family break apart. I want to give kids mom and dad under one roof. My in-laws are currently visiting us to help in reconciliation. Ssometime I feel bad decision getting in-laws but they also wants this marriage to continue. However, my wife is determined to leave the marriage. She is hung up on to make this a joint decision. I keep insisting that decsion to leave is her and not mine. Daily living has become very toxic. She gets extremely angry when I try to even touch her. She get very upset when try to talk about the timeline of affair. She has not disclosed anything on her own.

At this time with her attitude you have nothing to work with. You can't fix this on your own

I find it stupid that she has turned the table around and threatening to divorse. I am also noticing that he conviction to leave is getting stronger every day. She also says that she would not have left if I had not disclosed affair and details to friends, parents, brother and kids.

Typical cheater speak. She wanted the best of both worlds at you and your families expense. Consequences are a good thing.

Any advise on saving this marriage will be helpful.


Just because you know doesn't mean her affair will end. You need to fully awaken to where you are at this time. Do not offer Reconcilliation upfront until you've had time to think. Many upfront just want them back. She has told you and shown you who she is. Maybe you should believe her.

Last edited by Marc878; 07/07/19 06:48 PM.

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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Ace] #443483
07/08/19 10:25 AM
07/08/19 10:25 AM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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Thank you for your response Ace. How do I contact moderator?

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443484
07/08/19 10:56 AM
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I have sent a note to the moderator to move this post to the Infidelity section.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Blair] #443485
07/08/19 11:22 AM
07/08/19 11:22 AM
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<<Blair>> The affair is so entrenched by now that she was planning to leave anyway.
<<GKumar>> As per her, she had no plans to leave. The pressure of society, kids and others were holding her back. As per her, now everyone knows, hence cleared path for her to leave.

<<Blair>> Do you have support around you to help?
<<GKumar>> I have a few common friends who are trying to help. My wife is refusing to go for counseling. She is only talking to her parents and no one else.


<<Blair>> Do you live in an at-fault state/province?
<<GKumar>> I live in New Jersey. Not sure if this is an at-fault state. I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and he advised to file no-fault as at-fault will become washing dirty linen in court. If it comes to divorce, I would like to file for at-fault (if allowed) and holding 100% custody of kids. My kids would not like to see the face of the guy who was coming my home for the past 5 years and broke this family.

<<Blair>> One more thing - do you have your evidence saved in two places (away from your home) that she cannot get to?
<<GKumar>> I have voice recordings saved on a couple of locations on the web. So safe there.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Marc878] #443486
07/08/19 11:34 AM
07/08/19 11:34 AM
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Thank you Mark

<<Mark>> It takes two for marriage. Right now your wayward wife is unavailable. Unless that changes you have nothing to work with. I think the exposure was a good thing. Maybe she should have thought about consequences before having an affair.
<<GKumar>> Yes, its like black magic spell on her. I know she has refused councilling or does not read any online article or talk to friends.

<<Mark>> Let that be her problem, not yours. The truth is a good thing. Plus it's it he best way to end an affair. You can't fix or work on anything with an ongoing affair.
<<GKumar>> Any experience that exposure brings any closure to the affair? or this seems a hopeless case? I know she is talking to the guy from the office phone. I have not spoken to the office and was trying to reveal in her office. Any advice on trying to reach out to her manager?

<<Mark>> The OM must be banned completely and permanently for a chance to maintain your marriage.
<<GKumar>> He is likely not meeting frequently but may be seeing a few times while she goes to the office. Though they do not work in the same office now. I know for sure that she was in touch with him over the phone from the office. He was writing an email to her in her office email. So many online options that very hard to control.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443488
07/08/19 12:16 PM
07/08/19 12:16 PM
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Blair Offline
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Your parents and her parents know about her affair?

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Blair] #443490
07/08/19 12:35 PM
07/08/19 12:35 PM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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Her parents and brother know. Her parents are currently visiting from India living with us in New Jersey.

My parents don't know about the affair yet. They are almost 90 years old, so I have no plans to tell them until the decision for divorce is made.

After a big fight initially, she called and told my brother. My brother has not disclosed to my family side yet. My wife dropped out of our family WhatsApp group, so a few are suspecting that something is not correct.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443491
07/08/19 12:45 PM
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Do your kids have a counselor they can talk to to help them? Someone who knows how to handle affairs and betrayal (and someone who won't tell them this is normal)? It hurts them too when they realize what their other parent did.

Clearly your wife is in contact with her AP and the affair has not stopped. See the attorney today and get an idea of what your options are. You will need to tell her "I will not share my wife with another man." If she threatens divorce, tell her that is one of the options you are considering.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Blair] #443492
07/08/19 01:11 PM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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I have not taken kids to the counselor so far. My older one is less speaking and absorbing kind. The younger one is vocal and I can see that both are disturbed. I will take them to my counselor which my wife is refusing to see.

I have contacted one lawyer in NJ and not happy with the response as he is suggesting that I should file for no-fault divorce + I can't do anything to stop my wife getting 50% custody and kids have to go to her affair partner who uses to hang around in my home during his divorce process. They hate him now as I supported this guy entire through his divorce and difficult times. My wife and this guy both backstabbed me. All our common friends are supporting me and kids.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443493
07/08/19 02:09 PM
07/08/19 02:09 PM
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Gkumar,

Do move forward with getting the necessary legal advice. Now that you've exposed---and by the way--that is not the kind of exposure that is used to save a marriage. Exposing out of anger and for the purpose of shame--often backfires. It still may help as long as your friends and children hold the line for your marriage---the effect can be cumulative. At first, it may appear to give your wife the freedom to leave--but breaking up long marriages with parents and children involved is no easy task.

In the meantime, while you're getting your resources together--I think it might not be a bad idea to give a look to the 180 list. In your situation, it could be a good choice. Some of the list won't apply---but it's a good way of understanding how to approach your situation in a different way because my intuition is telling me that you (like many of us) has been "reacting" instead of "acting". Your anger is understandable, but you must have direction for your actions that involve your intellect and not just your emotion. The 180 is a good way to get back on the offensive and break the typical cycle that falls into place when affairs are discovered. When one person wants their marriage to work, but the other doesn’t--the spouse who wants to preserve the marriage often desperately pursues his mate, trying to reverse the direction of moving apart in the marriage. Usually there’s pleading, begging, crying, angry outbursts (lots of unattractive things) to win back the spouse. The more desperate the BS is, the less appealing they become. The BS sees their mate as trying to control them--which can make them pull away harder.


Michelle Weiner-Davis’s Divorce Busting 180 degree list:

Quote
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.


Here's a link to a youtube video she did about it:

https://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Bust...;linkId=96b4a738ddd6b906b8555e44b80e668a


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443497
07/08/19 03:53 PM
07/08/19 03:53 PM
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Marc878 Online
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Originally Posted by Gkumar


<<GKumar>> Any experience that exposure brings any closure to the affair? or this seems a hopeless case? I know she is talking to the guy from the office phone. I have not spoken to the office and was trying to reveal in her office. Any advice on trying to reach out to her manager?

Did you expose to other mans wife? That would be a "must do".


<<GKumar>> He is likely not meeting frequently but may be seeing a few times while she goes to the office. Though they do not work in the same office now. I know for sure that she was in touch with him over the phone from the office. He was writing an email to her in her office email. So many online options that very hard to control.

If they have any contact the affair will continue.



Exposing at work may cost her job. However, is her job worth more than your marriage?

If it goes to divorce will it cost you more in alimony?

You can't make her stop the affair if that's what she choses. All you are doing is making her affair uncomfortable. She would have to end it.

Last edited by Marc878; 07/08/19 03:54 PM.

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Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443498
07/08/19 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Gkumar


I have contacted one lawyer in NJ and not happy with the response as he is suggesting that I should file for no-fault divorce + I can't do anything to stop my wife getting 50% custody and kids have to go to her affair partner who uses to hang around in my home during his divorce process. They hate him now as I supported this guy entire through his divorce and difficult times. My wife and this guy both backstabbed me. All our common friends are supporting me and kids.


The lawyer is correct. She will probably get 50% custody and you have no control over her time with the kids. He's just being realistic with you.

Unfortunately it may not be fair but that is where you are.


CPA
Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443499
07/08/19 04:45 PM
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It is almost 100% certain the affair is still going on. Until the affair ends your marriage has no hope. And since she is continuing the affair with her parents visiting and knowing, I feel she is deeply entrenched. You really have nothing to work with at this point.

I understand how hard it is to think of your kids being around the affair partner during her visitation, but there is nothing you can do about that. You didn’t cause this....just be honest with your kids that you want to save the marriage but your wife does not and that the likely reason is because she is still in the affair.

Hang around. The support here is great even if the marriage can’t be saved.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443504
07/08/19 10:09 PM
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Do you know how to save the marriage? How do you deal with a bully? Call her bluff and agree with her. Go see a shark lawyer who will give you everything and her nothing and tell her here's your deal. Be the person she has to please to get what she wants. Be the person who's willing to walk away. Convince her parents you don't want her in her current state and she's going to lose everything if she doesn't show remorse and humility; let them work on her. And no matter what you do, DO NOT APOLOGIZE for exposure. This is the one time in your life you have to be strong, not weak.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443505
07/08/19 10:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Gkumar
Any experience that exposure brings any closure to the affair? or this seems a hopeless case? I know she is talking to the guy from the office phone. I have not spoken to the office and was trying to reveal in her office. Any advice on trying to reach out to her manager?


Yes, exposure has often ended affairs. Whether that saves the marriage depends on the two people. Your wife seems very selfish and stubborn. If so, you will literally have to 'break' her to get her to see the truth - that SHE has likely ruined her life and that of her kids. Breaking means her seeing that she is about to lose everything, make her hit her 'rock bottom' and thus question her own choices.

You need to make it clear to her parents that she's still cheating.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: star*fish] #443511
07/09/19 02:50 PM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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Thank you Star*fish, I did tell the 6 close family friends on the very 1st day of exposure. I was extremely angry and state of shock. For the 1st few hours, details of her physical activities slowly started trickling such as all doing physical in the car, all business trip were lies, mandatory to be in the office all 5 days whereas she uses to work from his home at least one day in a week. I could not control my anger and I called and told the family friends. Her key point is that she wants to leave to save some of her pride. If this was not told to so many friends, she would have stayed and she had no plans to leave. She also had no idea that this will get caught. Most of our friend is supporting the family to stay together but her public behavior is pissing off all our friends. She is extremely good at public behavior and portrays as if nothing has happened. She spoke lots of ills about me to a few initially trying to convey that I am not worth living. Subsequently, she told me that she had no choice but to tell all those as she was standing naked and others were judging her.

The 180 list is helping a lot but sometimes gets very hard for me not to talk to her but every talk with her is very bitter. Her message is consistent that she doesn't want to live with me but will take time to decide.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: SmilingWife] #443512
07/09/19 02:53 PM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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Thank you Smilingwife. I spoke to my kids - they are very opposed to ever visiting there. Her parents are also opposed to the idea of kids going there.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443513
07/09/19 07:58 PM
07/09/19 07:58 PM
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How do I control my anxiety if don't talk to her the entire day? She is at her office and I am away in my office or work from home? I also get the suspicion that she might be meeting her AP during the day.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: catperson] #443514
07/09/19 08:03 PM
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Gkumar Offline OP
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Catperson - thank you for your very bold suggestion. I was once very serious of divorcing her and informed her. She went and told her parents. Their parents were extremely worried but she looked relieved that at least I showed that courage. I have reached out to a few lawyers and hoping to find some shark who can give me full custody of the kids and also kick her out from the property split as she has already diverted close to $400k for her business with the AP.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443515
07/09/19 08:58 PM
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Get copies of all the proof you have and store it with a friend or at your work. She may try to destroy it.

She has to believe you are dumping her, no matter what you really feel like. She has to believe she has screwed up everything. If she suspects you're weak and will take her back without serious change, she will USE that against you. Unless you're in an at-fault state and you have a ton of evidence that she's abandoned her kids, you likely won't get full custody. But it doesn't hurt to put the fear of God in her anyway. You must make a lot of strong, bold actions early that show her how pissed off you are. Women only respect strong men, so you must make it clear she has crossed your line.

Have you bought a VAR yet? You need to get one and keep it in your pocket at all times. Very often, the woman will pretend that you are abusive and call the police to evict you, so you need that recorder on at all times to prove to the cops if she does pull that stunt.

Bottom line, she needs to see you are in control, but never in a violent way.

Re: Save Marriage After Exposure [Re: Gkumar] #443517
07/09/19 10:47 PM
07/09/19 10:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 538
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Marc878 Online
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Marc878  Online
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 538
Southeast
Is the AP married? If so you should inform his wife without warning.

ASAP


CPA
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