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Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443170
06/09/19 11:00 PM
06/09/19 11:00 PM
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Blair Offline
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Are you sure it's only stress causing the severe dental decline?

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443171
06/10/19 03:28 AM
06/10/19 03:28 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Blair do you mean like bulimia?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443172
06/10/19 03:51 AM
06/10/19 03:51 AM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted by 13defroad
I am going to file on Monday unless something changes. I am hoping that will wake her up. I have to come realize i am codependent on her
Defroad

You're not listening. If you want to save the marriage, YOU HAVE TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR to her important people. FIRST. Before you file.

Do you understand?

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443173
06/10/19 03:52 AM
06/10/19 03:52 AM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted by 13defroad
My 10 year son in the past week started doing things to JUST MAKE HIS MAMMA HAPPY.... VERY strange and unusual behavior from a 10 year old.

Why is that strange? It's the exact same thing YOU are doing.

He's learning to be a doormat from you.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443174
06/10/19 03:54 AM
06/10/19 03:54 AM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted by 13defroad
SHE WILL EXPLODE AT ME WHEN SHE IS SERVED. MAY it will be a wake up call for her. THAT I AM DONE PLAYING AND READY TO MOVE ON.

Do you know what will REALLY make her explode? You calling her parents, siblings, and best friends and telling them she's cheating on you and you're going to divorce her if she doesn't stop it.

What are you afraid of?

Re: What To Do [Re: NewEveryDay] #443175
06/10/19 04:12 AM
06/10/19 04:12 AM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Blair do you mean like bulimia?

Some drugs can cause severe tooth decay.

Re: What To Do [Re: catperson] #443176
06/10/19 04:13 AM
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Originally Posted by catperson
If you want to save the marriage, YOU HAVE TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR to her important people. FIRST. Before you file.


When are you exposing?

If you do it after you file, it will look like revenge.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443177
06/10/19 06:31 AM
06/10/19 06:31 AM
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I'm a bit late to this discussion, but wanted to add my $0.02. Some things I will bring to this you have been learning since your arrival.

- Nothing she SAYS to you as you escalate your fight against her addiction/infidelity will have any value in your evaluation of your next step. At the same time, remember that the woman with whom you will be struggling now is in no way the woman you married years ago.

- A spouse as deeply entrenched in the affair-land fantasy cannot be "niced" back to the marriage. As brutal as it sounds, the most reliable way to end the affair is to destroy the fantasy behind it. She must understand that her dreams of such outcomes of "sharing herself" between two men, or a neat, non-messy divorce from which she emerges with reputation and social/familial standings unsullied are just not going to happen.

- Often the best target of strategic attack is the other person in the affair. HIS wife, HIS family, and HIS social circle are as much targets of exposure as hers (and much easier to recover after).

You have (as I did) gotten some invaluable advice and support from the folks here. Your best plan is to steel your heart, and fight through the difficult times before you. Employing my classic Clint Eastwood model, your future paths are the GOOD (she comes around and together you move forward), the BAD (divorce is your chosen option) and the UGLY (basically what you've had the last few months).


If you don't want the answer...don't ask the question!
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443180
06/10/19 02:43 PM
06/10/19 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by 13defroad
Her WORDS:
1) logically i need to stay in the marriage
2) Emotionally I HATE YOU

Men and women are different. It is fairly shocking for women to learn that a man is perfectly capable of having sex with a woman he doesn't even like.
Conversely, it is pretty shocking to men to learn that a woman is perfectly capable to stay in an entire relationship with a man she doesn't like.

She is telling you she logically knows her life is easier having you pull the plow, but she isn't attracted to you. You can't negotiate desire and it's been my experience once a woman loses her attraction to a man, it isn't coming back.

Divorce her and go be with someone who wants to be with you.

Re: What To Do [Re: Fergie] #443205
06/11/19 03:27 PM
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I started the paperwork for the divorce yesterday, filing will be later this week and she will be served next week. I am paying a bit extra to have the lawyer deliver the papers so I know exactly when it happens. The exposure thing makes me completely nervous. She asked who I have told and listed the 3 people who knew, she got very upset about those 3. I ran into some friends in a store last night and she joined the conversation at the end, and as soon as they walked off she attacked me and asked DID YOU TELL THEM TOO???

She sent me this email today about marriage and how she has been doing it wrong. She stated she has been talking to God and listening to marriage podcasts. YET she is still talking to the OM in another state. Honestly, I think she has gone crazy and has no clue what she wants. I do know that exposure would push her completely over the edge right this instance. I mean as in she might have a mental breakdown and go truly honestly completely NUTS. She might take the children and run off somewhere, like to the OM. SHE has always been an extremely private person even when things were good. It drives her nuts that I am not a private person and do not mind sharing my life with others.

Thank you for all of the advice and guidance. IT is greatly appreciated, I believe before the divorce is delivered I will expose. Right now that would be the best course of action. I have completely stepped back from her and I am only talking to her about the kids. She keeps trying to draw me in and pull me back to her, which has become very funny. Everything I have done up to this point has not made one difference and I am truthfully done. I will be vigilant and keep praying and hoping for God to change her heart.

Defroad

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443206
06/11/19 03:47 PM
06/11/19 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by 13defroad
I started the paperwork for the divorce yesterday, filing will be later this week and she will be served next week. I am paying a bit extra to have the lawyer deliver the papers so I know exactly when it happens. The exposure thing makes me completely nervous. She asked who I have told and listed the 3 people who knew, she got very upset about those 3. I ran into some friends in a store last night and she joined the conversation at the end, and as soon as they walked off she attacked me and asked DID YOU TELL THEM TOO???

She sent me this email today about marriage and how she has been doing it wrong. She stated she has been talking to God and listening to marriage podcasts. YET she is still talking to the OM in another state. Honestly, I think she has gone crazy and has no clue what she wants. I do know that exposure would push her completely over the edge right this instance. I mean as in she might have a mental breakdown and go truly honestly completely NUTS. She might take the children and run off somewhere, like to the OM. SHE has always been an extremely private person even when things were good. It drives her nuts that I am not a private person and do not mind sharing my life with others.

Thank you for all of the advice and guidance. IT is greatly appreciated, I believe before the divorce is delivered I will expose. Right now that would be the best course of action. I have completely stepped back from her and I am only talking to her about the kids. She keeps trying to draw me in and pull me back to her, which has become very funny. Everything I have done up to this point has not made one difference and I am truthfully done. I will be vigilant and keep praying and hoping for God to change her heart.

Defroad



Does she know you know she is still talking to OM? Please don’t give up your source to her.

Good for you taking control of the situation. Stay strong.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443209
06/11/19 04:03 PM
06/11/19 04:03 PM
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I don't understand why you haven't just told her you know she's still in contact and you want it to stop. You seem to think that filing and serving her is going to change her somehow. When what you're missing is you being strong enough to just tell her to knock it off.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443211
06/11/19 04:19 PM
06/11/19 04:19 PM
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It’s okay to decide this is not what you want for your life. I do think it’s usually the best thing to destroy the affair to minimize the kids’ exposure to whoever the WS affaired down with, but def if you think she’s that unstable that your kids are at flight risk, then sounds like you’re making the right decision to proceed straight to divorce.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: What To Do [Re: catperson] #443212
06/11/19 04:23 PM
06/11/19 04:23 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted by catperson
I don't understand why you haven't just told her you know she's still in contact and you want it to stop. You seem to think that filing and serving her is going to change her somehow. When what you're missing is you being strong enough to just tell her to knock it off.


Wait. He did not tell her he knows she is still in contact?

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443213
06/11/19 04:39 PM
06/11/19 04:39 PM
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13,

Just a couple of comments.

Remember that the first part of exposure is to your own wife. She will not have the change of heart you desire as long as she believes she is successfully hiding her affair from you. How can you tell her that you won't share her if she thinks her ongoing affair is unknown. Let her know that you know with certainty that her affair has continued and that she has continued to lie to you (and herself). If she asks "how do you know?" don't tell her. State that the truth has a way of rising to the top--and that she isn't talking to God--she's talking to OM. Insist it all stops (verifiably) or divorce is imminent.

When she gets mad at the thought that you may have told others, they might know, or find out about her duplicity (because she is a such private person) then please remind her that (boo hoo) it is not your responsibility to protect her while she is destroying your life. She is certainly not protecting you or your children! You are also not responsible for keeping her dirty little secret so that she doesn't look like the adulteress she is. Let her know that people knowing the truth actually protects YOU and you deserve that. It protects you from the judgement of other people who may assume that you've mistreated her or failed the marriage in some way. She is solely responsible for the consequences of her own choices and actions, and if what she's doing is embarrassing for others to know--maybe that's because she knows it's wrong, ugly and destructive?

As far as the drastic reaction you're predicting--she's got you black-mailed into keeping quiet with her histrionics. Tell her she is welcome to run to OM--but the children stay with you. Make sure that your court orders prevent her from taking the children out of state.

You must be tough right now. Stop protecting/enabling her.

star*

Last edited by star*fish; 06/11/19 04:40 PM.

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443214
06/11/19 08:10 PM
06/11/19 08:10 PM
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I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I remember being in your shoes, with an incredulous, flagrant entitled WS who was indignant that I have ANY expectations about curbing his abuse, whatsoever.

After hundreds of hours of pondering. Yes, years and hundreds of hours, I always plinko down to these same two thoughts:
-- #1. You can't, no matter how much you might like to, sometimes, CAN'T control another persons actions or make their moral choices for them.
and
-- #2. After decades of life together, something of your marriages intrinsic value SHOULD have developed emotionally for the WS that was valuable to them. More valuable than a random act of "strange", or emotional fling.
This is a mature, constructive healthy view of love. Not the lopsided nightmare many BS have to deal with.

-- Just because that love didn't take hold in them has NO BEARING on you, (not really, see option #1) or how you developed your love for your spouse. You may be desperately attached- that is not a shameful thing for you, it's how it was supposed to be. They nor their OW or OM never got that memo.

You need to instill these two ideals into your belief system to have a healthy move forward.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443218
06/12/19 02:07 AM
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Blair Offline
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Be strong. Be vocal. And get it in your divorce filing that she has traveled out of state to visit other men. And make sure she cannot take your children out of state.

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443225
06/13/19 08:49 PM
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13defroad Offline OP
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I am signing the paperwork tomorrow and the order should be issued next week. I have not revealed my source and I don't plan to either. I wrote her a letter demanding me she stop, we will discuss it further tonight when she gets home. She knows I know about the affair. If She does not contact him and end it, I sign the papers tomorrow. She is deflecting and derailing with every conversation.

Marc has been right so far

Defroad

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443226
06/13/19 10:13 PM
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Marc, like many of us here, has been down this road before.

Your wife made her choice when she didn't end the affair immediately. Keep in mind that that she probably doesn't think you will follow through with it. Be strong and gollow through.

Have you exposed to anyone else?

Re: What To Do [Re: Blair] #443227
06/13/19 10:37 PM
06/13/19 10:37 PM
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How are your children doing? Have you set them up for help and support? Do they know in an age appropriate manner?


Orchid
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443228
06/14/19 02:14 PM
06/14/19 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by 13defroad
I wrote her a letter demanding me she stop, we will discuss it further tonight when she gets home.

The one who cares the least about the relationship, controls it. Demands and ultimatums are meaningless when you are one who cares more about the relationship than her. It only comes off as weak. And weakness in men is unattractive to women. You are only hurting your own cause.

Re: What To Do [Re: Fergie] #443238
06/15/19 02:49 PM
06/15/19 02:49 PM
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Ace Online
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Originally Posted by Fergie
Originally Posted by 13defroad
I wrote her a letter demanding me she stop, we will discuss it further tonight when she gets home.

The one who cares the least about the relationship, controls it. Demands and ultimatums are meaningless when you are one who cares more about the relationship than her. It only comes off as weak. And weakness in men is unattractive to women. You are only hurting your own cause.


Just read your story and although I'm not around much lately, I've been where you are. You're getting solid advice but I have two things to add:

Addictions are a bear.
Withdrawal sucks.


We endured 4 false recoveries over a span of about 6 months---his OW lived in another state, too---and we did not begin a real recovery until I convinced myself and then convinced my then-WH that I was truly done. (Story linked to my sig line)

Even though my then-WH never met OW in person, the bond they formed via phone, email and US Postal mail was difficult to break because of the emotional addiction and accompanying withdrawal issues. H's life-long habit of lying/covering up lies didn't help our scenario.

I read what you typed but for some reason, it still seems like you're trying to convince yourself that you're saying what needs to be done----and what most are suggesting you do---but you're still not sure you can follow through.

Say it, mean it, do it.
She'll hate you initially...they always do....but if there is any hope for recovery, you have to be the strong one.

Best wishes,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: What To Do [Re: Ace] #443247
06/15/19 06:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Ace
Just read your story and although I'm not around much lately, I've been where you are. You're getting solid advice but I have two things to add:

Addictions are a bear.
Withdrawal sucks.


We endured 4 false recoveries over a span of about 6 months---his OW lived in another state, too---and we did not begin a real recovery until I convinced myself and then convinced my then-WH that I was truly done. (Story linked to my sig line)

Even though my then-WH never met OW in person, the bond they formed via phone, email and US Postal mail was difficult to break because of the emotional addiction and accompanying withdrawal issues. H's life-long habit of lying/covering up lies didn't help our scenario..................


Ace makes a good case of how destructive the emotional part of the A can be. In reality the EA (emotional affair) is the most dangerous type of A because that is where all the plotting is hatched.

Know this and then it can help you learn how to navigate through this invasive addiction that has attacked your family using the WS as a conduit for hurting your and your family.

Picture it like this, if you had a relative or family friend that kept bringing their pet to your home and their pet was infested with fleas, would you allow that relative/friend and their pet into your home? If that relative/friend refused to come without their pet would you still let them come into your home? What if they left the pet on your porch or front yard would you even let that relative/friend into your home?

Consider the A likes a mass of fleas, seeking a new place to live and look who the carrier is. Then consider what you are dealing with and decide what you will let into your home and family.

If the WS now leaves the impression of a flea ridden person dragging a flea bag OW in tow, how close would you allow that kind of person/personality into your home and life?

What type of delousing would need to be done after each contact?

jmo,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443279
06/17/19 10:08 PM
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Have you talked to your kids about what I as going on in an age-appropriate manner?

Re: What To Do [Re: 13defroad] #443356
06/25/19 02:44 PM
06/25/19 02:44 PM
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13,

Limbo is a self imposed state. None can keep you there but yourself.

Your wayward may have put you there but it is going to be up to you to get yourself out.

The ones who come out of these situations best get strong and stay there.


CPA
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