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WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442023
04/09/19 03:33 PM
04/09/19 03:33 PM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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Yesterday was a really awful day. It's the drain of course but also that I wasn't careful enough getting out of the shower and actually saw the breast. I cannot express to you how ugly it is. It looks like they painted it yellow, plugged the shop vac into the incision and then beat on it with a hammer. I just don't see how it will ever look anything but repulsive.

I needed to get dog food but can't lift anything over five pounds so the dogs got raisin bran for breakfast. It will be interesting to see how that plays out.

The PTB called and they want me to see a medical oncologist and I'm terrified he is going to try to talk me into chemo.

I don't have a wardrobe that lends itself to a hand grenade size drain and no right breast so I wear yoga type clothes with an orange sized lump on my side. I haven't stuffed a sock in there yet but it may come to that. My mother's memorial service is in two weeks and I have tried on 10 dresses and it's just so awful. The dress I thought was going to be the one looked ridiculous. I don't even understand why we are having a service. If anyone is all twisted up about her death, they are hiding it well.

I just got depressed over the whole thing. I didn't feel like fighting. I felt like crying. I felt like running away. I felt like I'd been had by doctors who told me there was no medical reason to remove both breasts 7 years ago. I felt like I was always going to have a half flat chest with a drain. I felt ugly and old and broken and irrelevant.

I watched the game with my kids who actually didn't care but I think they got together and decided that I couldn't watch it by myself (husband went turkey hunting then to Houston for work).

I sipped on a bourbon with real coke -- I haven't had a real coke in 15 years -- and patiently waited for my beloved Hoos to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory. You'd have had to be a UVa fan for the last forty years to appreciate just how adept they are at blowing it.

Not this time!

My relationship with my alma mater is a complicated one. My dad had the rule that we had to go out of state to college so I always knew I would go away. I didn't appreciate until I got there what I was getting away from. My college years were a time of lightness and freedom before I voluntarily went back into the cage when I registered for law school. I wanted to major in religious studies but my brother had joined a born again cult at Stanford and my parents went nuts, not understanding the difference between studying the history of all religions and being a religious nut.

So my time in college was my time to breath, and I have fed off those years my whole life. I'm thrilled for them and for me, plus I've always been a sucker for a redemption story.

Thank you Hoos for brightening a dismal day. I don't know what might pull me out of my funk today, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find it sitting on this couch.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442024
04/09/19 05:25 PM
04/09/19 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by LadyGrey
Yesterday was a really awful day. It's the drain of course but also that I wasn't careful enough getting out of the shower and actually saw the breast. I cannot express to you how ugly it is. It looks like they painted it yellow, plugged the shop vac into the incision and then beat on it with a hammer. I just don't see how it will ever look anything but repulsive.

I needed to get dog food but can't lift anything over five pounds so the dogs got raisin bran for breakfast. It will be interesting to see how that plays out.

The PTB called and they want me to see a medical oncologist and I'm terrified he is going to try to talk me into chemo.

I don't have a wardrobe that lends itself to a hand grenade size drain and no right breast so I wear yoga type clothes with an orange sized lump on my side. I haven't stuffed a sock in there yet but it may come to that. My mother's memorial service is in two weeks and I have tried on 10 dresses and it's just so awful. The dress I thought was going to be the one looked ridiculous. I don't even understand why we are having a service. If anyone is all twisted up about her death, they are hiding it well.

I just got depressed over the whole thing. I didn't feel like fighting. I felt like crying. I felt like running away. I felt like I'd been had by doctors who told me there was no medical reason to remove both breasts 7 years ago. I felt like I was always going to have a half flat chest with a drain. I felt ugly and old and broken and irrelevant.

I watched the game with my kids who actually didn't care but I think they got together and decided that I couldn't watch it by myself (husband went turkey hunting then to Houston for work).

I sipped on a bourbon with real coke -- I haven't had a real coke in 15 years -- and patiently waited for my beloved Hoos to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory. You'd have had to be a UVa fan for the last forty years to appreciate just how adept they are at blowing it.

Not this time!

My relationship with my alma mater is a complicated one. My dad had the rule that we had to go out of state to college so I always knew I would go away. I didn't appreciate until I got there what I was getting away from. My college years were a time of lightness and freedom before I voluntarily went back into the cage when I registered for law school. I wanted to major in religious studies but my brother had joined a born again cult at Stanford and my parents went nuts, not understanding the difference between studying the history of all religions and being a religious nut.

So my time in college was my time to breath, and I have fed off those years my whole life. I'm thrilled for them and for me, plus I've always been a sucker for a redemption story.

Thank you Hoos for brightening a dismal day. I don't know what might pull me out of my funk today, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find it sitting on this couch.


So sorry you had such a bad day. And I agree you need to get up off that sofa and find a purpose for this day,

((((((LG)))))

Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: SmilingWife] #442026
04/09/19 08:41 PM
04/09/19 08:41 PM
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LG,

Besides your healing, you have a lot on your plate as well. Maybe a more open flowing dress with a pancho type of jacket? Or loose blouse, skirt and a jacket? I know you want to feel comfortable for your mom's memorial service.

As for the dog food, if one of your children can't go get it, some stores deliver now. Use those services, it won't be a bad reflection on your shopping skills. wink

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442037
04/09/19 11:43 PM
04/09/19 11:43 PM
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Breasts look like that after the kind of surgery you had, exactly as you described. I attended to my mother-in-law after her surgery because of cancer. Hers got horribly infected. I'm thankful you have a drain so it can actually drain.

What can you do today, just for you? Jumping in puddles is probably not a good idea, but maybe a bit of Rum Cake to go with that Coke?? Hugs, LG. You are worth fighting for.

Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442047
04/10/19 04:02 PM
04/10/19 04:02 PM
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So sorry that you had such an awful day. I hope things will be better soon.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442126
04/15/19 07:07 PM
04/15/19 07:07 PM
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dear lady grey,

do you remember when i first posted to marriageadvocates? i was a betrayed spouse back then ... and was mainly posting in "BS-mode", but you responded to one of my posts re my wayward husband (in what i remember as somewhat of a lightbulb moment)...

anyway, you asked me to to take a serious look at at MYSELF.

maybe i am-was the shinola (and not THE-shinola, in a good way).

maybe i seriously did "reep what i sow"...

i was so hoping for flowers.



Last edited by SmilingWife; 04/15/19 08:54 PM.

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442127
04/15/19 07:11 PM
04/15/19 07:11 PM
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why can't i get my posts to show-up??

:sigh:

Last edited by ohmy_marie; 04/15/19 07:19 PM.

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442128
04/15/19 08:56 PM
04/15/19 08:56 PM
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I edited out the F*** me and that seemed to do the trick. Not sure why that would keep your entire post from showing up though.

Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: ohmy_marie] #442286
04/23/19 05:05 PM
04/23/19 05:05 PM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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Originally Posted by ohmy_marie
dear lady grey,

do you remember when i first posted to marriageadvocates? i was a betrayed spouse back then ... and was mainly posting in "BS-mode", but you responded to one of my posts re my wayward husband (in what i remember as somewhat of a lightbulb moment)...

anyway, you asked me to to take a serious look at at MYSELF.

maybe i am-was the shinola (and not THE-shinola, in a good way).

maybe i seriously did "reep what i sow"...

i was so hoping for flowers.




It's incredibly confusing when someone who is supposed to love you is cruel. I tend to blame myself because if *I* am the problem, solving it is my locus of control. It's a straight shot from there to self loathing.

I remember when I first started posting on MB someone saying my husband loved me, and my reaction was "if that's love, F it."

I find the concept of love confusing as I've been told that people who are cruel to me love me.

Which leaves me with me -- I'm the only one I can control and I have to behave such that I nourish self love which is why I think it is important to keep my side of the street clean. It's not to keep other people happy -- it's to keep ME happy. Or at least content.

I am convinced that someone whose mother doesn't love them, like me, is unworthy of love. I don't think I'll ever get over that.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442287
04/23/19 05:15 PM
04/23/19 05:15 PM
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That doesn't make sense. Why blame the child for the mother's inability to love? The mother is the sick one.

Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442299
04/23/19 09:50 PM
04/23/19 09:50 PM
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You are of worth and you deserve to be loved. I'm sorry you didn't get that from your mother. Just because your mother chose to treat you poorly doesn't make her right in her poor behavior either. She was wrong. Very wrong.

Hugs.

Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442301
04/23/19 09:53 PM
04/23/19 09:53 PM
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LG,

Very sorry you are having to deal with hurtful issues from others in addition to your health and welfare issues.

To say we can only control ourselves, doesn't really show the reality of what that means. It can make us feel helpless and hurt even more but the reality of it is that some people mean to be hurtful, not sorry about it and don't care.

To be related to such folks is hurtful to all around them. I believe I can relate a bit because realizing my father turned from what I had formerly known him as a good father who later manifest himself as a very selfish and hurtful person is mind boggling which clouded the ability of many to react properly.

This meant that enabling his bad behavior caused many (including myself for a while) flowed freely for years. To finally come to the realization and remove myself from his list of enablers put me at odds with many. I call them slow learners or just hopelessly ignorant (in denial).

What I learned is that I need to be ok with my decisions. I was not put here on this earth to people please at the expense of searing my conscience. Not my style.

If that means I had to stand up against my father's hurtful actions, then that is what I must do and have done.
It doesn't mean things will be corrected or just. It means I won't enable bad behavior once I am aware of it. If others want to enable bad behavior, that's on them.

I show no favoritism to bad behavior.

I hope this helps you in regards to your mom. I'm very sorry she has not treated you well. There is no easy way to get past this but acknowledging it is a start. My father is dead, can't undo the damage he has done. Those minions he left behind promoting his bad behavior, is my next focus for legal matters. Other than that, I have no empathy for their bad allegiance. I hope they don't stay stuck on stupid but if they choose to, I won't hold their hand.

This discussion isn't experienced by all but for those of us who have experienced such events, we should share and talk this through to help each other out.

LG, please plan for some getting some resolve. Being ok with your decisions will help. It has helped me. Also, I no longer give as much weight to what other people think. I take some of it into consideration when it can help but I throw out the stupid stuff. wink

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442790
05/19/19 02:19 PM
05/19/19 02:19 PM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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So here's what I'm wondering. If you are nice to someone consistently over a long period of time when you really don't want to be that nice, does that make you a nice person or a complete hypocrite?

For example, I was nice to my mother for years whilst disliking her and being terrified of her in equal measure. I was seldom honest with her about my life and my feelings. Am I a nice person or a hypocrite? Was it better for her to die with the lie that I cared about her? Or should I have been honest? In essentially lying to her for decades, did I unfairly deprive her of information she could have used to become less hateful?

Sometimes it is impossible to be nice and honest.

I sincerely believe she had narcissistic personality disorder so personal growth wasn't in the cards for her, but was that my decision to make?

I was nice to her even when she was hateful ("you've never cared about anyone but yourself") because it was easier than calling her on her vitriol. I was protecting myself, but is that a legitimate reason to lie?

I spent a metric ton of emotional capital on doing the right thing by my parents so I never had to feel guilty, and I am not at all sure it was worth it. I'm still so emotionally worn out. Of course, I did just have my right tit cut off and you really wouldn't believe how ugly this thang looks -- it makes the other thang look positively ready for Playboy. I suspect that plays into my fatigue but don't see much I can do about it. I am going to go into the plastic surgeon this week to have them take a look and tell me this is what it is supposed to look like. Beyond that, it seems to me it is what it is and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.

John shot himself 25 months ago and since then it has been one thing after another, each trauma quick on the heels of the last. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. I'm not depressed, but I am tired and I wish my husband would cut me a little slack. I don't think he has a clue what a beating this has been.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442791
05/19/19 04:36 PM
05/19/19 04:36 PM
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I live on the basis of "If you have to choose between being kind or being right, choose being kind. That way you're right every time"

Quote
I was protecting myself, but is that a legitimate reason to lie?


Absolutely.

What would have been achieved by calling your mother out on her hatefulness? You know she wouldn't have changed and the only person it would have harmed is you. You were kind, I don't believe that is ever a bad thing.

Look after yourself LG - there are many of us here who have learned a lot from you

MUN


You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442798
05/19/19 09:38 PM
05/19/19 09:38 PM
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It does not matter how she, or anyone, treats or behaves around you because you have no control of that. How you consistently responded to those actions and interactions around you that is important. That is who you really are.

You were patient, kind and willing to be helpful no matter how they behaved? For moral reasons? You may feel you were being inauthentic, I say exactly the opposite. Your dedication to being tolerant is the authentic you. Especially when it was not easy... ... that is another testament to it.

How on the green earth could that be contrived as a bad thing?

Last edited by whatsupdoc?; 05/19/19 09:39 PM.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442799
05/19/19 09:48 PM
05/19/19 09:48 PM
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I agree with Mun's general principal. However, for the sake of safety, sanity and survival, that POV doesn't always work. The fact is, there are more people in the world who we need to recognize and deal with on a realistic level. If some of them are persons we are related to, work with, go to school with, socially connected with, we need to decide how to recognize and handle such toxic relationships.

LG, you are a smart woman but like many of us that level of intelligence doesn't mean you are emotionally equipped to handle toxic relationships from the very folks who you have been brought up to respect and obey (especially for children).

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
So here's what I'm wondering. If you are nice to someone consistently over a long period of time when you really don't want to be that nice, does that make you a nice person or a complete hypocrite?


Orchid: Definition of nice will vary.
Question: Is it always nice to pet a friend's dog?
Answer: Depends on the dog and maybe even the friend.

Question: What do you call a person who is nice only because they feel they have to be?
Answer: Some would say that's being civil or polite.

Question: Does that mean you allow the other person to abuse your being civil and polite?
Answer: You have the option not to.

FYI: Pick and choose your battles wisely. I told my then H that when I care for someone, I will do my best to reach out and help as needed. When I don't care for someone, I am civil and polite but not necessarily going to stop everything I'm dong to help them.

Example: Others I have found are difficult to read in the 'good friends' department. Those folks will shy away from truly helping by their silence instead of true friendship. They often use the excuse, ' well I didn't say anything (withholding important information) because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.'

NOTE: If it was a one time minor matter, that could be chucked aside and written off as bad POV, then so be it. However, if it happens on a regular basis and/or involving a serious matter (i.e. not telling me when my father died), then it does no good to ignore bad behavior. Such persons hide their inability to speak truthfully behind phony and weak excuses.

Hard to trust someone like that. Let's not mix that up with folk who feel compelled to hide their true feelings due to abuse they have received or guilt that has been heaped upon them.

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
For example, I was nice to my mother for years whilst disliking her and being terrified of her in equal measure. I was seldom honest with her about my life and my feelings. Am I a nice person or a hypocrite? Was it better for her to die with the lie that I cared about her? Or should I have been honest? In essentially lying to her for decades, did I unfairly deprive her of information she could have used to become less hateful?


Orchid: You should have been honest but the 1st question should have been why you didn't know how to be respectfully honest and stand up for yourself.

I found letting such persons know that I am trying to respect them but their actions are making it difficult for me to do so, can be helpful. Even if such persons don't get it, the case is being made that sincere attempts to be respectful are being met by their hostility and abuse. Can't undo that once it is said out in the open.

I dealt with my father's issues that way. He went from being my father and friend that I respected to a manipulative liar and cheat who hid behind a persona of a respectable family man. He fooled a lot of folks.

I wasn't fooled and because I loved my parents, I tried to get him help. He refused and plotted against me but that was his choice. I can tell you that I have no regrets on the steps I have taken and currently taking, even if it didn't work in my favor as it should have. My goal isn't what I should have gotten, it is the conscience I have to live with. I thought long and hard before I exposed my father for the abuse he was giving my mother, myself, my family and a few others. To stay silent for me was not an option. I knew not everyone would get it but I am highly disappointed in those folks who choose to stay in denial. Still their slow or non learning curve is not my problem.

You can't control how hateful or not your mom chose to be. You can only control who you are and choose to be. My father died with a lie and his OW wife along with my sister benefited from that lie. That might seem like the odds are stacked against me. From a totally human standpoint, it would look that way but I have a higher relationship with a very powerful, just, kind, loving and wise person who I have been able to unburden my pain and suffering. I don't just receive comfort from this person. I receive the knowledge and wisdom to know how to proceed. It is amazing what I have been able to put together over time.

I'm not a patient person but have learned to be. I reflect much on what my grandmother and mother have told me over the years in addition to my other and current support persons. The truth does come out and the time of regret has been minimized. We can all do better but the world around may not be able to keep up with us. wink

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
Sometimes it is impossible to be nice and honest.


Orchid: Yes, it isn't easy and it won't be under current conditions. Knowing this is half the battle. You won't spend a lot of time in the land of shock and despair.

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
I sincerely believe she had narcissistic personality disorder so personal growth wasn't in the cards for her, but was that my decision to make?


Orchid: You are probably right and if she were alive, do you honestly believe she would admit it? That alone is a huge barrier to break down and if your mom wasn't going to cooperate, then it is on her not you.

Many who have NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) won't admit it. As you know my in-laws carry this as a family illness in varying levels of severity. It is sad. They see it in others but not themselves.

Not all of them but sadly, most of them have NPD. Most don't recognize it and even if they do, they refuse treatment. Yet they live within society with their hidden abusive tactics.

In such cases, MUN's recommended practice may not be as practical unless you temper it with boundaries. That is what I have done.

The hard part is when they fall or die, the need to beat up ourselves with guilt is strong. Sometimes such persons may even try to play the victim or die playing the victim card. That can erroneously point guilt our way. Making our lives absorbed with clearing our name or seeking justice.

Learning to not carry unwarranted guilt is hard. It requires setting strong boundaries and a constant check to make sure we don't go off the rails. It requires maturity.

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
I was nice to her even when she was hateful ("you've never cared about anyone but yourself") because it was easier than calling her on her vitriol. I was protecting myself, but is that a legitimate reason to lie?


Orchid: You were and are a good person. The then easier way 'to be nice' very firm, is part of the reason why you may feel some guilt.

Your question: I was protecting myself, but is that a legitimate reason to lie?
Answer: No. In hindsight that is easy to see but at the time, did you see it? Were you able to get assistance to see it? How would you help someone now to see it so they don't loose precious years like we have?

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
I spent a metric ton of emotional capital on doing the right thing by my parents so I never had to feel guilty, and I am not at all sure it was worth it. I'm still so emotionally worn out. Of course, I did just have my right tit cut off and you really wouldn't believe how ugly this thang looks -- it makes the other thang look positively ready for Playboy. I suspect that plays into my fatigue but don't see much I can do about it. I am going to go into the plastic surgeon this week to have them take a look and tell me this is what it is supposed to look like. Beyond that, it seems to me it is what it is and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.


Orchid: You are reflecting now and may have some regrets. We all do. Knowing now that you can control your regrets going forward is power you have within you.

As for your surgery, that was a challenge you conquered. If I may share, I for one am proud of your scar. We may not be able to fully control diseases developing within us but conquering them whether permanently or even temporary is worth it. I would wear those scars with honor vs shame. wink

Originally Posted by LadyGrey
John shot himself 25 months ago and since then it has been one thing after another, each trauma quick on the heels of the last. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. I'm not depressed, but I am tired and I wish my husband would cut me a little slack. I don't think he has a clue what a beating this has been.


Orchid: I'm sorry about your nephew's decision that has hurt you and your family so much. Like yourself the trauma and drama in our lives seem to be non-ending.

Realize that all this suffering is our current reality and that some are either not capable or empathy illiterate. For those who are not aware their actions of non-care is hurtful, let them know in as loving a way as possible. If they still don't get it, walk away. That is what I have done.

Some maybe slow learners.

LG, you are working through this and not all can work at the pace or space that you current are finding yourself. Out here we say that is their 'kuleana' (Hawaiian for responsibility - referring t to a reciprocal relationship between the person who is responsible, and the thing which they are responsible for).

I have more to post but this one is long enough. wink

Hope this helps,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442827
05/20/19 01:01 PM
05/20/19 01:01 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted by LadyGrey
So here's what I'm wondering. If you are nice to someone consistently over a long period of time when you really don't want to be that nice, does that make you a nice person or a complete hypocrite?

For example, I was nice to my mother for years whilst disliking her and being terrified of her in equal measure. I was seldom honest with her about my life and my feelings. Am I a nice person or a hypocrite? Was it better for her to die with the lie that I cared about her? Or should I have been honest? In essentially lying to her for decades, did I unfairly deprive her of information she could have used to become less hateful?

Sometimes it is impossible to be nice and honest.

I sincerely believe she had narcissistic personality disorder so personal growth wasn't in the cards for her, but was that my decision to make?

I was nice to her even when she was hateful ("you've never cared about anyone but yourself") because it was easier than calling her on her vitriol. I was protecting myself, but is that a legitimate reason to lie?

I spent a metric ton of emotional capital on doing the right thing by my parents so I never had to feel guilty, and I am not at all sure it was worth it. I'm still so emotionally worn out. Of course, I did just have my right tit cut off and you really wouldn't believe how ugly this thang looks -- it makes the other thang look positively ready for Playboy. I suspect that plays into my fatigue but don't see much I can do about it. I am going to go into the plastic surgeon this week to have them take a look and tell me this is what it is supposed to look like. Beyond that, it seems to me it is what it is and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.

John shot himself 25 months ago and since then it has been one thing after another, each trauma quick on the heels of the last. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. I'm not depressed, but I am tired and I wish my husband would cut me a little slack. I don't think he has a clue what a beating this has been.


I would say what you did for your parents was the right thing to do, but they are gone now and you get to live your life differently now. You can model different behavior to your adult children and never again put up with being treated that way.

Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: SmilingWife] #442833
05/20/19 05:09 PM
05/20/19 05:09 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,084
SFB Offline
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SFB  Offline
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
Originally Posted by LadyGrey
So here's what I'm wondering. If you are nice to someone consistently over a long period of time when you really don't want to be that nice, does that make you a nice person or a complete hypocrite?

For example, I was nice to my mother for years whilst disliking her and being terrified of her in equal measure. I was seldom honest with her about my life and my feelings. Am I a nice person or a hypocrite? Was it better for her to die with the lie that I cared about her? Or should I have been honest? In essentially lying to her for decades, did I unfairly deprive her of information she could have used to become less hateful?

Sometimes it is impossible to be nice and honest.

I sincerely believe she had narcissistic personality disorder so personal growth wasn't in the cards for her, but was that my decision to make?

I was nice to her even when she was hateful ("you've never cared about anyone but yourself") because it was easier than calling her on her vitriol. I was protecting myself, but is that a legitimate reason to lie?

I spent a metric ton of emotional capital on doing the right thing by my parents so I never had to feel guilty, and I am not at all sure it was worth it. I'm still so emotionally worn out. Of course, I did just have my right tit cut off and you really wouldn't believe how ugly this thang looks -- it makes the other thang look positively ready for Playboy. I suspect that plays into my fatigue but don't see much I can do about it. I am going to go into the plastic surgeon this week to have them take a look and tell me this is what it is supposed to look like. Beyond that, it seems to me it is what it is and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.

John shot himself 25 months ago and since then it has been one thing after another, each trauma quick on the heels of the last. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. I'm not depressed, but I am tired and I wish my husband would cut me a little slack. I don't think he has a clue what a beating this has been.


I would say what you did for your parents was the right thing to do, but they are gone now and you get to live your life differently now. You can model different behavior to your adult children and never again put up with being treated that way.


QFT, SW said it well.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #442835
05/20/19 06:49 PM
05/20/19 06:49 PM
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Fergie Offline
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Originally Posted by LadyGrey
I sincerely believe she had narcissistic personality disorder so personal growth wasn't in the cards for her, but was that my decision to make?

What difference does it make how you behave in a relationship that is entirely fake?

You can't be in a authentic relationship with a person you aren't allowed to disagree with. Your mother did not tolerate disagreement, so your mother did not care to know the real you, ergo it was not an authentic relationship.

So, what difference does it make how you acted in a fake relationship? Is acting fake in a fake relationship suddenly a mortal sin, even when forced to act that way?

Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #444043
09/03/19 11:45 PM
09/03/19 11:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,652
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LadyGrey Offline OP
Professional Attorney
LadyGrey  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,652
Here’s an interesting factoid: no insurer offers a policy on the individual market in Texas that covers MD Anderson.

I find that fascinating in a ghoulish sort of way — like what did the underwriters see in the cancer world that made them want to exclude Texas.

To be clear one can buy an individual policy in any other state that covers MD Anderson.

I know this because my friends’ brain cancer appears to thrive on chemo. They are in experimental trial neverland, and, naturally, being Texas residents they thought of MD Anderson. Well, think again!

They are going on a cash basis. The first appointment is $1700 then to proceed they pay $17,000.

I blame the GOP.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #444044
09/04/19 12:21 AM
09/04/19 12:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,451
catperson Offline
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My SIL didn't like MD Anderson and went to her local hospital and beat her breast cancer. I used to work at MD Anderson. They do a lot of research, true, but here's a secret: physicians from all the other hospitals in Houston work with MD Anderson, so you're just as likely to get great care at Baylor College of Medicine or Houston Methodist or even Memorial Hermann. Baylor has a big presence in cancer research and Methodist just has tons of money (more than MD Anderson) and absolutely wonderful hospitals.

Re: WAHOOWA! Yea UVA! [Re: LadyGrey] #444046
09/04/19 02:24 AM
09/04/19 02:24 AM
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Blair Offline
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Ouch. That's like reverse in-state tuition....

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #444221
10/11/19 02:23 AM
10/11/19 02:23 AM
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Posts: 4,652
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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LadyGrey  Offline OP
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Posts: 4,652
It’s not that I want a relationship with some other man.

I don’t want a relationship with my husband.

He’s mean to me.

He admitted he’s been punishing me for 8 years.

He admitted he has no intention of stopping.

If you are surprised you haven’t been paying attention.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #444222
10/11/19 07:27 AM
10/11/19 07:27 AM
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Posts: 10,749
HI
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Orchid2 Offline
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HI
LG,

I'm very sorry to hear your H is mistreating you so. That said, it is within your right and grasp to decide how much longer you want to live under those conditions. When my WSt told me he could continue the 'A' forever as long as I continued with my family obligations, he meant it. I gave him years to change and eventually I had enough.

It was and is a sad decision I was forced to me. The flip side is that I don't regret it because as hard as it has been on myself and our son, it is better than living with the guilt of those words ringing in my ears.

For me the lates thing he said was that the only thing we had in common was our view on politics. Well he even got that wrong. What he says vs what he does doesn't match anyways. I told him, I haven't changed my beliefs and values and if he has a different view, that's because he changed.

You know what that conversation did to me? I helped me realize that he will change reality to stubbornly hold onto his devalued agenda. That if this is the real him, I don't want a part of it because he is hurtful and has the ability to outwardly pretend he is a 'nice guy'. For those dumb enough to believe his 'nice guy' act, they can have him. For those of us who can see right through it, we don't interact with him.

I choose to be of the later and stay away from him. He as no care to even ask how his son is doing, much less how I am doing. He only calls when he needs something and I no longer run after him to save him from himself. He can't appreciate that and he is too old too learn, so he dwells in the lala land and pretend that he is ok as a person. If he is ok with who he is, who am I to tell him that he is the emperor with no clothes.

I hope one day you are able to find less stress in your life without having a person like your H in it. Maybe he isn'tas bad as my father was to me or even as WSt. I surely don't want you to suffer so.

I remember when I had surgery in LA and had to fly back to SJ. It was a short but enduring flight because I was in such pain. This was before our son was born (ovarian cyst and fibroid tumor removal via a new technique back in 1992). I asked him to do one thing (I was gone for a week). We had 2 cats and I asked him to vacuum the house before I came home so I wouldn't have to do it. Guess what he didn't do? Yep and he got angry at me for doing it but I had to, my asthma got all worked up because of the cat fur.

I should have learned then how he was. We had been married almost 2 years. Now more than 27 years later, I regret not separating then. 27 long lost years. My bad. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. I should have trusted my gut feeling.

Trust yours. You deserve better. Your H is telling the truth. Agree with him and make your changes at your pace and as needed. He is like that because he chooses to be. He won't change for you.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #444223
10/11/19 11:52 AM
10/11/19 11:52 AM
Joined: Nov 2012
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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Miranda  Offline
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LG

I don’t ever want to be with another man either. It’s not love or loyalty like some people believe. I’m just done. I’m so f-ing done with everything that entails. Even in the best case scenario I’m not interested. Because I’m living my own life, and it’s my best life, truth be told.

I think it’s possible for you to have that too. Someone doesn’t have to die for women to meet me over here. It just takes making a painful decision and carrying it through.

Sending you much love and light.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
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