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Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442434
05/02/19 01:44 PM
05/02/19 01:44 PM
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Right Cat. And as Fiddler pointed out none of us really know what is in Butterfly ‘s wh’s mind. However, his casual attitude during this pivotal moment in his marriage shows a huge lack of honesty or at the very least a lack of self reflection.

That is why I asked her to take a look at Earning It’s thread and the posts on there by him and by SFB. Because those are men who are self aware and honest. Now granted a marriage board is where you are likely to find such men, but they exist elsewhere too. My dh is one. My xh was not.

Butterfly you seem to me to be spinning and bouncing back and forth. It does not seem to me that you trust him or feel good about a future with him. And yet you fear you might just be making a big mistake in divorcing him.

I spent 26 years with such a man. Much of that time I didn’t trust him even though we had some great times. We had several incidence of him cheating on me. One time, he confessed to me. It was a one night stand that I was very likely to have never found out about. I saw real remorse. THAT is the incident I was able to forgive and let go of. He did well for a while but then there were many many incidents where I heard something or found something that screamed he was cheating on me, but he was always able to gaslight me and keep me hanging on. He used different tactics. Sometimes people who told me stuff were just jealous and trying to cause problems, sometimes I was crazy and ‘the most jealous person he knew’, sometimes he would scream at me and tell me how lucky I was to have him, sometimes he would tell me if I didn’t trust him then ‘get the F out’. And these times would be followed by him being nice and giving me hope and crumbs.

Then I had our son. I quit my job and became a SAHM. He spent less and less time with us and although our son was crazy over him, xh did not make him a priority. This is making me sad to type this out BE, but it is just the reality. We went on for about 9 years after ds was born and then I found a marriage board where I met most of these fabulous people that have been helping you. They helped me cut through the constant gaslighting and they suggested I put a keylogger on his computer and within 24 hours I had proof of an affair. AND they helped me be calm and not confront until I had gathered sufficient evidence that he could not dispute. I left it on for 3 weeks and made him believe I had hired a PI and that is how I found out about the affair. I didn’t tell him about the keylogger, but I left it on for another 3 or 4 weeks ( after he had moved out at my request) and wow, did I find out who he really was. Suffice to say it was sufficient. It is what I needed to truly know that I could divorce him knowing I had done EVERYTHING in my power to make our marriage work.

See from the marriage board’s perspective they had little doubt he was a dishonest man and that he was wayward. But *I* needed proof. In hindsight I wish I had divorced him sooner. But hindsite doesn’t really help a person who is in the thick of it.

You need a way to clear your mind and figure out what you really want. I would imagine you don’t want the rest of your life to go like I described my marriage above. Or even like how yours is going right now. You can’t even imagine how wonderful my life is now due to the fact I trust my dh 100%. We have issues of course. Blended family, money issues, aging parents, regular stuff. But I never wonder if he is cheating on me. The difference is just unbelievable to me. But. Not everyone remarries. WUD who I believe has posted to your thread has been divorced for 5 years. She has a long thread too over in the blog section. Her divorce was torture and she was blindsided by it but her life now is fabulous and she is rocking and rolling the single life although she is open to finding someone.

Take courage Butterfly. Whatever happens you WILL be ok. You must trust me on this.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442436
05/02/19 02:59 PM
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As for what 'true remorse' looks like....I think can be summed up by : Willingness.

Willingness to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage and make amends.

The reason we doubt, BE, is because you keep posting what your WH is NOT willing to do. His remorse is merely pretty words with no long term basis, mostly about what HE wants and how HE feels.

The examples here where couples have recovered successfully from infidelity share the willingness of the affairing spouse to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage.

Asking for participation in MC or a marriage recovery workshop or program is not an unreasonable thing to ask...in fact it should be mandatory. Getting through this is not natural or second nature and having professional help is a "no brainer". If your house is falling down, you call in professional help--plumbers, electricians, A/C specialists, etc., and getting marriage recovery help is important enough to warrant help also.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442441
05/02/19 05:11 PM
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Text today

Me:

I do not want to argue with you. I just want to have a happy life filled with joy and look forward to fun with my children.

I am sad to hear that you feel like it is jumping through hoops to do things to save our marriage and to gain the trust you have destroyed this past year.

I have sacrificed a lot this last year and gone through a lot of misery to keep our family together. But it is pointless, because if you arent willing to uncomfortable things (as I have done this lastbyear) and figure out how to fix our marriage and our family, then you must not love us enough.

Take good care of yourself. I do wish you all the best.

Him:

Honey, I agree that we should enjoy our lives and not argue. I am willing to compromise to make things better for you and the kids but I am not sure what at this point. I am still trying to figure things out. I am working to be a better person and especially not to lie or hurt you and the kids. I do love you three and treasure our time together. I really enjoyed being with you last night and appreciate you for making me feel better with my sore shoulder. I hope we can figure things out together.



He does not want a divorce but he also does not take the divorce seriously.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442442
05/02/19 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
Text today

Me:

I do not want to argue with you. I just want to have a happy life filled with joy and look forward to fun with my children.

I am sad to hear that you feel like it is jumping through hoops to do things to save our marriage and to gain the trust you have destroyed this past year.

I have sacrificed a lot this last year and gone through a lot of misery to keep our family together. But it is pointless, because if you arent willing to uncomfortable things (as I have done this lastbyear) and figure out how to fix our marriage and our family, then you must not love us enough.

Take good care of yourself. I do wish you all the best.

Him:

Honey, I agree that we should enjoy our lives and not argue. I am willing to compromise to make things better for you and the kids but I am not sure what at this point. I am still trying to figure things out. I am working to be a better person and especially not to lie or hurt you and the kids. I do love you three and treasure our time together. I really enjoyed being with you last night and appreciate you for making me feel better with my sore shoulder. I hope we can figure things out together.



He does not want a divorce but he also does not take the divorce seriously.



Not a single action statement in his reply. Not one. He loves you and the kids and loves spending time with you oh and thanks for helping me with my sore shoulder. And that is what you get in response to you telling him (again) you are done. It is like you said, 'I don't like it when you leave the toilet seat up.' There there honey, it will all be fine. After all I LOVE you. Why don't you see that there is really nothing wrong.

Man. He is a piece of work.

He reminds me of my best friend's XH. AAAAALLLLLLL the way up to the day she divorced him he was saying, 'we can work this out.' He came home to find his family and her family moving her out of the marital home and he took her to the bedroom and said, 'you don't have to do this.' This after 5 years of him cheating on her. FIVE YEARS. One time she followed him to a hotel room and sat outside the door all night. He finally came out and just left. My friend stayed outside the door until the terrified OW inside called the police and they came and my friend said, 'i just want to see for myself that she is in there because he will deny it.' So the police had the OW poke her head out and then my friend left. Her WH said, 'oh I didn't spend the night in there, I just went in there to borrow her hair spray.' Lie, after lie, after lie. 20 years later that OW is divorcing him for the exact same serial cheating.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442443
05/02/19 06:12 PM
05/02/19 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
I really enjoyed being with you last night and appreciate you for making me feel better with my sore shoulder. I hope we can figure things out together.

He does not want a divorce but he also does not take the divorce seriously.

Why should he? You let him come in your house again last night. And you mothered him; not even gonna ask what you 'did' to make him feel better.

And I thought you were going to have a friend there so he wouldn't come in?

BE, the real problem here is you are doing nothing but 'FEEL GOOD' actions. It feels good to have dinner with him so you do it even as you are supposedly divorcing him. It feels good to have him hang out despite you KNOWING he will never change because you're letting him eat cake. It feels good to let him tell you he loves you even though he 'will never' go to therapy cos you aren't important enough.

So you just keep going through your FEEL GOOD moments and stalling and hemming and hawing when you should be taking concrete steps - and lord knows we've given you enough suggestions, almost none of which you have done.

Do you know what it's called when someone keeps doing things that aren't good for them because it feels good? It's called an addict.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442444
05/02/19 07:13 PM
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BE: I would like to talk about something besides your marriage. I want to talk about you. How you feel about yourself. And how you treat yourself.

You may not know my story so let me share some of my background. I hate myself. I believe, to the center of my being, that I am worthless and weak. That I do not deserve joy or happiness or contentment. And that anything wrong with my marriage is punishment that I deserve as penance for my many foolish choices in life. Not saying that to generate sympathy. I have gotten plenty of that in the past. Didn't do me any good then and wouldn't do me any good now. No, I am saying that to give you some frame of reference for what I am about to say.

You don't love yourself enough. Not even close. Forget how your husband treats you, or what you ought to do about it. Let us focus on how you treat you, and what you are willing to do about it. Are you willing to make changes in how you feel about yourself? In how you treat yourself? In your behavior toward yourself? If not, then it doesn't really matter what you do about your husband or how he treats you. If you don't love yourself, or at least respect and maybe admire yourself (even a little?), then you will always be unhappy. Guess how I know.

I think more than help with your H, what you need now is a discussion of how we can help you. And how you can help you. And what you are and are not willing to do to learn to like yourself more. The divorce will plod along in the background as such things do. You can end it at any time so you might as well let it grind forward for a while. In the meantime, let us help you find a way to create a better self-image in you. Because that will be of immense value no matter what you decide to do about your husband.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442446
05/02/19 07:26 PM
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My lawyer said default decree can be entered May 21st. I assume that means I can be divorced by then. I keep wondering if I should give this marriage some more time. He is asking for more time, but to what end?

I dont thinks much of myself. I know logically I am a good person, not too stupid and not too ugly, but I have zero self worth. Especially after finding out about WS affair.

And yes, I know I am codependent and an addict. He is a drug that is killing me. My friend wasnt available yesterday to be with me. And I just cant help myself. I am pathetic.

Last edited by Butterflyeffect; 05/02/19 07:28 PM.
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442447
05/02/19 07:29 PM
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So make a better choice today. Don't talk to him. Today. Just today, don't talk to him.

Can you do that?

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442448
05/02/19 07:40 PM
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I dont know. I can try. The kids have a busy after school activity and then a school celebration that I had text him about a week ago which he said he will attend (but I doubt he will remember or attend today without reminder, which is no longer my responsibility). I am so tired. So emotionally drained. I am surprised I haven't tried killing myself yet other than I need to be around for my two children. If I didn't have kids. It would have been so much easier to pack up and leave him.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: silverado] #442449
05/02/19 08:05 PM
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BE,

CP made a heartfelt request to us posters. We hear her. smile

Know that your situation is of concern to us. Some of us take a while to read and digest your story closely before we respond. This is how we do it when we respond. That's why some of our responses are soooooo long. wink

Let's take a look at your text interaction post:

Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
Text today

Me:

I do not want to argue with you. I just want to have a happy life filled with joy and look forward to fun with my children.

I am sad to hear that you feel like it is jumping through hoops to do things to save our marriage and to gain the trust you have destroyed this past year.

I have sacrificed a lot this last year and gone through a lot of misery to keep our family together. But it is pointless, because if you arent willing to uncomfortable things (as I have done this lastbyear) and figure out how to fix our marriage and our family, then you must not love us enough.

Take good care of yourself. I do wish you all the best.


Orchid: Your text is heartfelt but wasted at this time on the heart of a WS. Y? Read his response carefully. I will explain below.

You stated before you understand NC but you have not done so because this text may have reversed all that you have done towards NC.

RE: You said i don't want to argue with you. WS knows you do want to argue with the WS in him.

You say you want to have a happy life for you and your children. You have sacrificed a lot and resent him feeling like is having to 'jump through hoops' . All valid and true statements but read his text to see how he responds.

If you were truly even in a temporary NC, you would not have texted all of the above. You would have stated what you needed to request or report by sticking to the topics your limited NC allows.

Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
Text from Him:

Honey, I agree that we should enjoy our lives and not argue. I am willing to compromise to make things better for you and the kids but I am not sure what at this point. I am still trying to figure things out. I am working to be a better person and especially not to lie or hurt you and the kids. I do love you three and treasure our time together. I really enjoyed being with you last night and appreciate you for making me feel better with my sore shoulder. I hope we can figure things out together.


Orchid: Pay attention to where and when he agrees. On their own merit it is a good thing for normal couples to say and commit to, but you are receiving that message from a WS mindset.

He states he is 'willing' to compromise. That spins his intent in another direction. He is expecting you to accept portions of his WS mindset when he returns. That leads to a temptation for the BS to accept him back as a WS. He is grooming you.

The last part of his text is a further statement, he may be glad a bit and if he is that is good but he is still spinning his text response to lead you on.


Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
He does not want a divorce but he also does not take the divorce seriously.


Orchid: This is your one realistic statement. See you can see reality but currently you are in the fog of it all and it is frustrating. Please read Silverado's partial post below, then go back and read the entire post from Silverado. You may have to read it several times because it is right on spot.

Originally Posted by silverado
As for what 'true remorse' looks like....I think can be summed up by :
Willingness.
Willingness to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage and make amends.

The reason we doubt, BE, is because you keep posting what your WH is NOT willing to do. His remorse is merely pretty words with no long term basis, mostly about what HE wants and how HE feels.......


Silverado is right on the mark with this post. The word willingness has greater meaning now, even to me. Thanks Silverado. thumbsup


Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442450
05/02/19 08:05 PM
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I just recieved a message seeing if I can sub a whole school day tomorrow. Should I say yes? I am so depressed and consumed I dont want to potentially make a mistake, but maybe I need to take the shift so I can get out of my whole head for the day. Thoughts?

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442452
05/02/19 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
I just recieved a message seeing if I can sub a whole school day tomorrow. Should I say yes? I am so depressed and consumed I dont want to potentially make a mistake, but maybe I need to take the shift so I can get out of my whole head for the day. Thoughts?


Sure take it. You need to be around some people Butterfly.

Last edited by SmilingWife; 05/03/19 01:48 PM.
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442453
05/02/19 08:22 PM
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Did I tell you how he said he doesnt want to be the bad guy all the time and he gets irritated with all our talks because he cant dwell and feel bad all year. Who wants to be told they are jerks all the time all year long. That I feel and just can move on whereas he can and has to coz he cant just sit around and do nothing and feel bad about it all the time. He wants to have a happy life without stress and have fun. And of I can't do that then maybe it wont work between us. Did I tell you all that? A conversation we had a while back?

Oh and how he cant change history and doesnt live in the past or look back and how he just lives for the day? And why cant I just do that?

Last edited by Butterflyeffect; 05/02/19 08:27 PM.
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442455
05/02/19 08:48 PM
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Oh, the teacher got the date wrong. It is not for tomorrow. It is for Monday. I am not sure what condition I will be on Monday.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442456
05/02/19 09:15 PM
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I wouldn't get too caught up in a black/white perspective on his text. It's certainly better than him texting something like "You want a pound of flesh from me and for me to change, but you just have to accept me as I am." Is it perfect or ideal? No. But getting caught up in "it's not perfect, so it's worthless" is missing the opportunity to take a baby step in a direction you have indicated you want (and also indicated by your behavior with respect to 'NC' - or in this case 'NNC').

From my perspective, the whole NC thing has created more problems for you than it has solved. I would encourage you along the lines of what holdingontoit wrote - that working on your own self-esteem as your primary goal and effort is the most effective path to what you desire. Keep in mind that the future may or may not involve your husband, but with a more solid core of self, you can be confident and assured in whatever situation you find yourself.

I advocate validation as a primary means of communication - however, you can't give what you don't have. That is, a lack of self-worth amounts to an in-validation of yourself, and so attempting to validate in a point of disagreement (which is where it is most effective) will be perceived as a threat to yourself. People who lack self-validation tend to seek it in others (such as a spouse). That is, you are "okay" only if your husband sees you as "okay." With a solid core, you are okay whether he sees you as such or not - and indeed, whether he has an affair or not.

You probably have an "inner critic" - a 'voice' inside your head that gives you negative messages about yourself. Working to tame the inner critic can be some of the most challenging (and most rewarding) work on self.

Having said all of that, I actually agree with what your husband said (although probably not his intended message).
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
... he cant change history and doesnt live in the past or look back and how he just lives for the day? And why cant I just do that?
Indeed, one can't change history or live in the past - there's only the 'now', this is true. And today, in the now, you are hurt, angry, and sad for the state your marriage is in. He probably means you should forget all about the affair and move on as if nothing happened. In my opinion, that's not some kind of 'WS,' it's simply human nature, something we all have in common - namely to want our sins of the past to be forgiven and forgotten (ideally with minimal effort on our behalf). Just because that's what he wants doesn't mean you have to do it.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442457
05/02/19 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
Oh, the teacher got the date wrong. It is not for tomorrow. It is for Monday. I am not sure what condition I will be on Monday.


Plan for Monday, you've been given time to get prepared. I recommend you take the job. It can help more than hinder depending on your attitude. That's on you to work on for you.
Face your fears and succeed. wink

Read what he sent again and ask yourself, how much of his response is about him vs you and your family?

Have a checklist to use before you read his communications. It may help see the forest for the trees. smile


Orchid
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442458
05/02/19 09:52 PM
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Fiddler, so are you recommending contact with him? Letting him come by. Seeing him and having him around? What is going to make him make an effort to do more to show he wants to be part of our family? The divorce plows on. He wont go back to MC and won't do IC. How do I know he isnt still cheating? His word?

I get everyone saying I need to work on my self-esteem. I dont even know how to self care never mind work on my self esteem.

Orchid, all his texts are about him and what he is doing for him and his level of comfort. The kids and me are just extensions of his property and his status.

I understand most of the things logically. It is my stupid heart that cant seem to get with the program.

Last edited by Butterflyeffect; 05/02/19 09:59 PM.
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442460
05/02/19 09:56 PM
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Stop talking to your WH. Stop reminding him about your kids activities. Once it is on the calendar and you have toldhim, let it go. You can't force him to be a good parent.

You are sounding really "beaten down" and "empty." Please make time for you to recharge. Plan something fun tomorrow with your friends so that you have time away from your WH's drama.

Also, if yyou stop interacting with your WH over the weekend, you should have enough energy to help sub on Monday. You do need to be around other people m subbing and helping kids will help you feel empowered and see your contributions.

Big Hugs. You CAN do this.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442461
05/02/19 09:57 PM
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BE,

You are learning where your control issues reside. That's good. Put something on your fridge or someplace that helps you remember this so that in your times of distress, you have a go to reminder. wink

You want to work on yourself, we have recommended some books to read. Are you finding things to read to help? Put the oxygen mask on first..... ok?

Orchid


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Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442462
05/02/19 10:19 PM
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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Butterflyeffect  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 517
I feel as raw as I ever felt. Mostly feel like crying, vomiting just sick. Every new discovery, new hurt, same betrayal. He tells me he can be trusted and it turned out to be lies. I can't tell the difference any more. I cant even trust my own shadow. I dont even know how I am breathing.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442463
05/02/19 10:32 PM
05/02/19 10:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,879
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
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Orchid2  Offline
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Posts: 10,879
HI
Go to the doctor and get evaluated. Let the doctor know what you area dealing with and ask for options.

Ask around here, posters who have sought medical advice were in many cases given management medication. Others have used natural health alternatives.

Look you are going through the grieving process of your M. You may feel frustrated knowing there is a solution good for your family in whole but one participant doesn't want to contribute his fair share. This makes you angry and frustrated because the fix in you can't fix this one to include fixing him but you have more power than you realize to help take care of yourself and your family. You need to know how much power you have vs where you don't have it.

Go to your trusted doctor ASAP.


Orchid
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442464
05/02/19 10:52 PM
05/02/19 10:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 517
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Butterflyeffect Offline OP
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Butterflyeffect  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 517
I got prescribed Lexapro but didnt do well on it. This last round he prescribed prozac but I have not taken it. Am taking lavender pills but they aren't working anymore. I'm just over it.

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442465
05/02/19 11:01 PM
05/02/19 11:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,208
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Fiddler  Offline
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Posts: 6,208
Monterey, CA
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
Fiddler, so are you recommending contact with him? Letting him come by. Seeing him and having him around?
I am neither recommending nor not recommending that you have contact with him. I observe that you do have contact with him.
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
What is going to make him make an effort to do more to show he wants to be part of our family?
In short, nothing you can do. We can't change another person - we can only change ourselves.
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
The divorce plows on. He wont go back to MC and won't do IC. How do I know he isnt still cheating? His word?
You don't know - and the less contact you have with him, the less you will know. Even in a "good" marriage, there is no way to be certain that one's spouse isn't cheating or is being dishonest (in fact, we are all dishonest in one manner or another all the time!).
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
I get everyone saying I need to work on my self-esteem. I dont even know how to self care never mind work on my self esteem.
Self-care and self-esteem are, of course, related. Why should you take care of someone you don't value (yourself)? Conversely, if you value yourself, then you will naturally want to practice self-care (body, mind, spirit). You might find This Article of some value.
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
I understand most of the things logically. It is my stupid heart that cant seem to get with the program.
What I've underlined is an example of your inner critic at work. You are conflicted because logic (and most of us here) tells you one thing and yet another part of you resists and craves something you feel you have lost. You may be feeling frustrated at how suggestions "make sense" and yet you long for something else. Perhaps the first step towards self-esteem is accepting that is where you are at this moment in time. Resisting what is can be characterized as "arguing with reality." And (as Byron Katie says) "when you argue with reality, you lose. But only 100% of the time!"
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
I feel as raw as I ever felt. Mostly feel like crying, vomiting just sick. Every new discovery, new hurt, same betrayal. He tells me he can be trusted and it turned out to be lies. I can't tell the difference any more. I cant even trust my own shadow. I dont even know how I am breathing.
What "new betrayals" have you seen today? Yesterday?

Given his track record, there is absolutely no reason to trust anything he does say - especially "trust me". How are you breathing? I would hope like this: breathe in .... breathe out .... breath in .... breathe out... (lather, rinse, repeat).


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442466
05/03/19 12:49 AM
05/03/19 12:49 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,485
catperson Offline
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catperson  Offline
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Posts: 20,485
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
I dont know. I can try. The kids have a busy after school activity and then a school celebration that I had text him about a week ago which he said he will attend (but I doubt he will remember or attend today without reminder, which is no longer my responsibility). I am so tired. So emotionally drained. I am surprised I haven't tried killing myself yet other than I need to be around for my two children. If I didn't have kids. It would have been so much easier to pack up and leave him.
Do you see the issue here? I told you not to talk to him. And your reply was that the kids have an event. But you also said that he KNEW about the event.

End of subject. He knows about the event. Your part in this is OVER.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Re: HELP NEEDED - 2 Month post finding out about WH emotional affair [Re: Butterflyeffect] #442467
05/03/19 01:03 AM
05/03/19 01:03 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,485
catperson Offline
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catperson  Offline
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Posts: 20,485
Originally Posted by Butterflyeffect
Did I tell you how he said he doesnt want to be the bad guy all the time and he gets irritated with all our talks because he cant dwell and feel bad all year. Who wants to be told they are jerks all the time all year long. That I feel and just can move on whereas he can and has to coz he cant just sit around and do nothing and feel bad about it all the time. He wants to have a happy life without stress and have fun. And of I can't do that then maybe it wont work between us. Did I tell you all that? A conversation we had a while back?

God, I'd be a millionaire if I had a dollar for every WH who said he 'just wanted to have fun" or 'just wanted to have no stress.'

Did I ever tell you my theory of wayward men?

Men are raised by women. Because of that, they grow up not seeing females as human beings; they see them as HELPERS, or MAIDS, or MOTHERS. Some men just solidify in their minds that women are 'vehicles' through which to provide happiness.

That may come in the form of sex. It may come in the form of someone who cooks for them. Or cleans their home. Or keeps their clothes clean. Or is eye candy on their arms so they can brag. It's different for every guy, and that depends on HIS FOO.

The problem is, when you marry one of these guys, unless you are a strong, self-loving, proud person, you quickly become CONSUMED. You become a plaything, or a maid, or whatever. And whatever self esteem you started with goes down the drain quickly. And the longer it goes on, the less you believe in yourself. You're 20 years in, right? I'm 40 years in; it's taking me MASSIVE amounts of therapy to be able to stand up to my husband. Makes me quake in my boots.

But the only solution to your situation, as holding says, is to find your self-love. A woman who loves herself would NEVER put up with this bullsh*t. She'd kick him to the curb, move on, and start a new life cos she'd know she deserves - and will GET - much better. You're nowhere near that.

But what will get her that? No contact.

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