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Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440676
12/30/18 03:26 PM
12/30/18 03:26 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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I’m so glad to hear that you’ve set your feet upon the healing journey, LG.

Yes, you are sleeping more. It’s amazing how exhausting a lifetime of living on high alert can be. Let yourself rest. It’s a good and rejuvenating thing.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440677
12/30/18 08:10 PM
12/30/18 08:10 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,749
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Orchid2 Offline
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HI
LG,

You are going through the stages of grieving that so many of us have also gone and going through.

You lived your life with some cost and reflection will show less regret than others. We all have some types of regret on some things but on this matter, you did your what you needed to do and are ok with that.

That is good progress. Like yourself, I have had to deal with a difficult parent who took things to his grave to the hurt of his family. That said, I did my best and while in my case there is more work to do, I'm ok with my decisions even if it doesn't please or fit the parameters of others.

You are ok with yourself and that is important. I'm proud of you, this is quite an accomplishment that many around you may not realize. You have taken the time to share your journey with us and it is helping while you are healing.

Thank you for sharing it with us. hug

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440679
12/31/18 04:07 PM
12/31/18 04:07 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,982
holdingontoit Online
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LG, glad to hear you are on the road to a better place. You are entitled to get there (even if part of you does not believe so).


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440697
01/03/19 03:03 AM
01/03/19 03:03 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,652
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
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LadyGrey  Offline OP
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I still can't quite believe it.

She's dead.

I don't have to be scared anymore.

Ever again.

I can't believe my luck. I thought she would out live me.

I thought she would out mean me, that I wouldn't be able to carry on with grace much longer, that I would become her meanness to protect my soul.

I think of MelodyLane the same way -- someone who is determined to extract the greatest amount of misery out of everyone she encounters. Determined to hurt people to make a mark, to hurt for the sake of hurting because that's easy to do.

I'm giddy.

I'm happy. Happier than I can ever remember being in my life.

I'm also incredibly, weirdly tired. I sleep 10-12 hours a night.

But when my anxiety accelerator reaches out for what is wrong -- and there's a lot still wrong -- it doesn't have the usual, "I have to call that woman tonight."

Because she is dead. Did I mention that?


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440698
01/03/19 03:17 AM
01/03/19 03:17 AM
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Blair Offline
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You can finally rest. You have been feeling so much anxiety and working so hard helping everyone else for your entire life, that you are feeling relief. Take the time to truly rest and recover from the trauma and grief.

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440699
01/03/19 03:42 AM
01/03/19 03:42 AM
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Orchid2 Offline
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Interesting comparison with ML and your mom. I sense you feel relief. It is ok to feel relief. Not everyone gets to keep a good name in their life if they haven't kept their name good. Make sense?

This means it is ok to acknowledge reality vs go into denial. There's a saying: “A name is better than good oil, and the day of death than the day of one’s being born.”

Now you get to focus on what is important in your life going forward. It is sad that your mom choose to leave the memories of her mistreating of others as her last way she is remembered. It is her choice.

In my case, my father did the same. His life ended with him not leaving good memories. His choice. Our reality.

What plans do you have or do you need a bit of recoup time before thinking about tomorrow? wink

Hugz,
Orchid


Orchid
Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441323
03/06/19 01:23 AM
03/06/19 01:23 AM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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It appears I have cancer in my contralateral breast. Cancer in the contralateral breast is associated with poor outcomes.

I can’t quite believe it. John has been dead less than two years, Mike tried to die 20 months ago, daddy died 11 month ago, my daughter miscarried 90 days ago, my friend was diagnosed with brain cancer 95 days ago, mother died 88 days ago. I feel like God is picking on me.

Having been through this before, I just know the numb “meh, I’m unimpressed” feeling I have will serve me well.

My husband is coming home a day early from a business trip. I hate that. I hate being a Problem SO MUCH I don’t have words for it, and I have words for everything. I feel so ashamed. I feel worse about him coming home than anything else.

Last edited by LadyGrey; 03/06/19 01:23 AM.

Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441324
03/06/19 01:27 AM
03/06/19 01:27 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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catperson Offline
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{{{LadyGrey}}}

Come down to MD Anderson. That way you won't have to mess with him. And I can keep you company.

But where's the shame coming from? Can you vocalize it?

Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441325
03/06/19 01:45 AM
03/06/19 01:45 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,652
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
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LadyGrey  Offline OP
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Cat, I’m the problem solver, not the problem causer. I make everyone else’s lives run smoothly, I don’t disrupt theirs.

This promises to be a big problem I am causing AGAIN. The fact that it could kill me is less repellent than the fact that I’m going to need help.

It’s just so awful. I was mostly by myself last time which suited me fine but the family is promising to cluster round and I already feel claustrophobic, like “go away, let me get on with it and check in in 6 months.”

Mostly I don’t want to hear a bunch of goddamn opinions and “you are going to be fine” claptrap. There’s every possibility I’m not going to be fine.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441328
03/06/19 01:51 AM
03/06/19 01:51 AM
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Blair Offline
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Oh honey I'm so sorry! You are not the problem. Go to Cat's hospital. It's a good place for Fighters. And you need to fight this and win against Cancer. Hugs.

Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441330
03/06/19 02:20 AM
03/06/19 02:20 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
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Orchid2 Offline
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Originally Posted by LadyGrey
Cat, I’m the problem solver, not the problem causer. I make everyone else’s lives run smoothly, I don’t disrupt theirs.

This promises to be a big problem I am causing AGAIN. The fact that it could kill me is less repellent than the fact that I’m going to need help........


..... and you human like the rest of us.

LG, you have certainly had more than your share of tough, severe issues. Your life and faith has been stress tested to extensive limits.

Learn to let others be there to help you. Be ok with accepting help. It's ok, you may learn it's not a bad thing to be helped. wink In other words, delegate, share, vent, help us help you find what works for you. Let us do so because we love and respect you.

Btw, you do make other peoples lives run smoothly and they deserve the opportunity to return the favor to you. That is a teaching time for your children, spouse and others who have the privilege and opportunity to be there for you as needed.

There's a famous saying 'there is more happiness in giving than receiving.' Often many don't get that logic until we sit on the receiving end, especially when we have been givers for so long.

So let the rest of us share in that happiness a bit. Giving in big and small ways can make what we all face a bit easier to handle.

You know we are here for you, right? Right here. hug

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441333
03/06/19 02:47 AM
03/06/19 02:47 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,084
SFB Offline
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LG:

(((LG)))

Flamingo had cancer in one breast. She (we) decided to have them both removed. They tried to kill her, what did she have a use of them for?

Keep fighting. How ever you decide to fight. IF you wish to be alone in that, ask for that. But we will be here to hear you.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441334
03/06/19 03:16 PM
03/06/19 03:16 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
star*fish Offline
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LG,

Like you, my worst nightmare is turning from the caregiver into the dependent. I don't receive help well because it is completely out of character for me, and my role as a caregiver is precisely what has shaped my adversity to receiving care from the people I love. I experience guilt about being a burden and fear about having any expectations of my family--expectations I fully expect them not to meet. Neither my husband nor my children would do well in that role--and honestly I would hate to see them in it.

I won't tell you that "you're going to be alright" when you know as well as anyone that contralateral breast cancer has worse outcomes, but I would like to point out a few things I believe are reasons to keep fighting and have hope:

*I'm pretty sure your age group has the best survival rates--very young women and very old women have the worst rates.

*The interval between recurrence matters. If it's over three years (and I think it has been), survival rates are much better.

*Because you hate receiving care so much--you are more likely (and stubborn enough) to fight particularly hard in order to be as self-sufficient and healthy as possible to avoid it. You have the kind of will that is indicative of survivors.

*Your tremendous effort to beat this disease before, is a good future indication of how strong you can be (even if you don't feel strong right now).

*You have access to some of the most outstanding hospitals, doctors and research available.

I am not trying to talk you out of your fear, anger or sadness. I am only trying to find the silver lining in this very dark cloud and to let you know that no matter what--you are precious and deserving of all of the help and care that I hope will come your way. I also live close to MD Anderson, and will help as much as you will allow.

I know you hate people to feel sorry for you--but I feel sorry for the difficult journey you have had to endure despite the fact that I believe you are warrior enough to survive it.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441337
03/06/19 03:46 PM
03/06/19 03:46 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 772
southern USA
at peace Offline
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Well, that diagnosis totally sucks.
I'm sorry you've got another fight ahead of you, LG....it does seem so unfair. I hope you find a happy medium with your family and friends that allows them to support and help you with your fight without suffocating you. Their support might be an additional strength for you during the times you really need an extra boost.

You have my prayers for peace and healing.
(((((LadyGrey)))))

Lori


"To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice."
wife...mom...nana...happy smile
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441340
03/06/19 04:57 PM
03/06/19 04:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,982
holdingontoit Online
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Wishing you a complete recovery and as much serenity as is possible under the circumstances.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441341
03/06/19 05:02 PM
03/06/19 05:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,451
catperson Offline
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Come to Houston. You can be alone there. Being the largest medical center in the world, we have amazing organizations and agencies to help people undergoing treatment. And I can treat you to some of the best food in the world. Did you know that Houston was just voted one of the best places to travel to, especially for food?

Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441343
03/06/19 06:02 PM
03/06/19 06:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,677
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
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((((LadyGrey))))


Chrysalis
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441346
03/06/19 08:10 PM
03/06/19 08:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,419
whatsupdoc? Offline
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I am so sorry that you have gotten this news.

I also fully understand the reluctance on your part to having to ask for, or turn into and "obligation" to your loved ones.
I've never been in your situation,
I have had friends that have.

One thing to consider is to hire domestic help and arrange home caregiver help beforehand. Many providers really like to help and need the work.

When I had my second child, I had a c section and went back to work fairly early - and I had a reflux baby who cried 10 hours a day.
I was exhausted and could not keep up with the house and chores.

My part time housekeeper saved my sanity. I did not feel like ME not being able to do it all was a burden.
It may make combating negative feelings easier.

Last edited by whatsupdoc?; 03/06/19 08:11 PM.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441350
03/06/19 10:57 PM
03/06/19 10:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,652
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
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Great idea. I’d rather pay someone than owe someon.

Thanks all. I will respond to each of you when I have a bigger screen than my phone and I’ve stopped shaking.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441354
03/07/19 05:40 AM
03/07/19 05:40 AM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,042
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SmilingWife Offline
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Oh my friend. I am so so sorry. I wish you peace as you fight this because I know you WILL fight it. You are a fighter.

I hope you got to,Md Anderson.

Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441382
03/08/19 08:49 PM
03/08/19 08:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,652
L
LadyGrey Offline OP
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I can’t believe this. Seriously WTF.

Listen I didn’t have breasts to begin with. I was an A cup on a good day and I’m a tall woman. I breastfed my kids for 6 weeks then gave up so it’s not like they did me much good in that department.

When I was in my late thirties I got saline implants. First thing I can remember that I did for ME. One deflated when I was like 45 so I got silicone implants. Mastectomy 7 years ago and another silicone implant.

Now this.

I think God is picking on me.

I’m supposed to decide on nipple sparing mastectomy which I’m not so sure about seeing as how the whole point of a breast is to deliver to the nipple, but my husband really wants, which tells me the other one is as ugly as I thought.

I’m supposed to decide on implants vs belly fat reconstruction. Belly fat sounds hideously painful but has less complications with readiation which I have no idea if I’ll need until after the mastectomy.

Now what the hell qualifies me to make those decisions? Last time I decided something about my breasts I decided to just cut the one off because my mother would have had a double, and see how well that turned out.

The whole thing feels alternately unreal and absolutely hilarious.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441384
03/08/19 09:11 PM
03/08/19 09:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,042
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SmilingWife Offline
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What do YOU want to do LG? Now is not the time to consider your parents or your husband or your children. Consider what makes YOU feel the best about this situation.

Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441386
03/09/19 12:02 AM
03/09/19 12:02 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
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Blair Offline
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Do what YOU want to do. What you want matters most. You have always put everyone else first, and LG lady. It is time for you. Hugs, hon. Or a boxing match. Whichever will help you feel better sooner. smile

Re: Same song... [Re: LadyGrey] #441389
03/09/19 12:08 AM
03/09/19 12:08 AM
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catperson Offline
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Envision the life YOU would want to live and make that choice.

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #441392
03/09/19 12:26 AM
03/09/19 12:26 AM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,392
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TC_Manhattan Offline
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LG, consider this..

You cannot undo a belly flap reconstruction and it screws up your belly, too.

You always have the option to undo an implant. And then if you change your mind again,
you can re-do it at your discretion.

Either way, they will likely have to do a cat scan periodically to assess for local chest wall recurrence, I believe.

Always have a Plan B in mind.

My thoughts..

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