Who's Online Now
3 registered members (Marc878, 2 invisible), 5 guests, and 32 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.My Gratitude Journal29
2.Pulling up a chair12
3.Am I still a doormat?8
4.I'm learning to talk3
5.Learning about life from life........2
6.WuD? - Moving on.1
7.The Joke Thread1
8.Just updating... things do get better over time.1
9.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
10.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation5
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
7 Things Kids Need To Do For Themselves Before They Turn 13 - Healthyway1
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Giving it 6 months #441158
02/13/19 07:31 PM
02/13/19 07:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Before you all have conniptions, its not me, its a friend

I don't think I want advise, I just wanted somewhere to talk about it, where I know people will under stand

So, a dear friend told me last night that her fiance and her have 'had the talk', and they're going to give it 6 months. They have also told both set of parents. I kind of feel that they have essentially given up, to be honest. He has depression and anxiety, she is fairly detached already. A small complication is that when they went to the doctor to discuss the depression (and zero love life, anxiety, self harm thoughts etc) the doctor noticed a lump on his thyroid, so thats been sampled and sent away fro testing as well. He was tested for testosterone at the same time. That has come back fine, but still waiting on the thyroid. From the conversation I gather that the 6 month thing might be related to the possible outcomes of that.

I did talk to her about why women leave men, and bit about statistics of people who stay in a relationship and I will drop of HNHN to them but I dunno, it feels a bit pointless yanno


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441159
02/13/19 07:40 PM
02/13/19 07:40 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,388
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,388
For what it's worth, it could very well be the thyroid disorder that may play
havoc with his hormones and cause the depression, anxiety and loss of libido.

Something to definitely consider before calling off any future to the relationship.
I am glad to hear they are giving it at least 6 months.

I hope they ask their specialists about the hormone levels as they relate to his symptoms.

IMHO.

(It is great to see you here, Lil!)

Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441160
02/13/19 07:47 PM
02/13/19 07:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,388
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,388
Here is a link to a brief overview:

Hypothyroidism In Men

Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441161
02/13/19 08:10 PM
02/13/19 08:10 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
I glad they are giving it 6 months too - as long as they use it to actually work on the relationship, and not on the separation....

I am going to talk to Flick about it and see if he could have a chat to her partner. I was going to but she made a comment on how when we had recently taken out dog for a walk, I made him feel unwanted, which made me sad because I don't really know him, but I had tried to include him in the conversation a couple of times. He's just very quiet and us ladies chat quite freely together. When I apologized to her she just said it was an example on how quickly he gets upset over stuff.

thanx for the link, I'll look at it a bit later - Im actually at work and being a bit naughty


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441164
02/14/19 12:23 AM
02/14/19 12:23 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,449
catperson Offline
Member
catperson  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,449
For men who are depressed, withdrawn, not into sex...I have an opinion that men need to accomplish things. Like real, physical things. I think it goes back to caveman days when strength and action meant success for men. I think men in the last 50-75 years have strayed away from manual labor and accomplishing things and have thus suffered mentally from lack of achievement, lack of purpose, lack of belief in one's self. I often tell such men to pick a task, a manual task, and get to it. See if it makes him feel more worthwhile and happy.

Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441177
02/14/19 05:43 PM
02/14/19 05:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,676
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
Global Moderator
Chrysalis  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,676
SoCal
There's a difference between "giving it 6 months" and "taking no action for at least 6 months while we sort out some other life issues." Back in the bad old days I set times in the future and did not allow myself to think or talk divorce until those times had come and gone, be it 90 days, or after he survives heart surgery, or whatever.

It does sound as if he is seriously in need of treatment, whether for thyroid or depression or whatever. Maybe a recognition of that and changing it to "Give it 6 months of treatment" would be a more positive and hopeful step.


Chrysalis
Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441182
02/14/19 11:30 PM
02/14/19 11:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Test has come back negative which is awesome! Although if its not thyroid based, it does put us back into mental health issues which are more challenging.

He is an architect so while maybe not lots of manual labour, does require some. They have just built a house he designed and they are doing a fair bit of outdoor stuff to tidy it up.

So obviously I can only go on what she tells me, she said he is a nice guy, but boring, a real 'drip' in her words. However she also says he is very sensitive and assumes the worst of everyone. She also said they have nothing to talk about and nothing in common. She did agree she could work more on suggesting RC they both might enjoy. I get the feeling she feels she has carried the load for long enough now though, so is reluctant. She gives every impression of a WAW in the making. HIm I know less about.

I have warned her if he goes on the AD most prescribed in NZ, its not going to help their love life any frown


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441183
02/14/19 11:53 PM
02/14/19 11:53 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,388
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,388
Wow, so she waited until after they completed building a house together to decide they have no emotional connection?

I wonder if she considered IC to sort her own emotional needs for connection first, before she goes sticking the blame for their
lack of spark and future fully in his court. The world is not brimming with saviors out there, anyways not in my world.

Wow. I see, Lil..
I can't imagine what you (or anyone) can do to help them with this as a friend. Bummer.

Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441187
02/15/19 12:44 AM
02/15/19 12:44 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,426
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,426
Are you sure she's not in a side relationship? She seems detached and wants the designer house but doesn't seem invested in changes.

Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441208
02/18/19 12:37 AM
02/18/19 12:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Yeah, I wasn't super impressed by the timing, and I have questioned her about the house. She says they cant afford the mortgage separately, cant afford to buy each other out, and it would be too weird to live as flat mates, so I am pretty sure it wasn't done with an intent to get a nice house. Just younger people not thinking about consequences.

I am mostly sure shes not in another relationship. She knows about my history (one of the VERY few pepole here that does) and as she is still angry with her dad having an affair, I think that's not the issue. More a WAW sort of situation


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441212
02/18/19 03:31 PM
02/18/19 03:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
star*fish Offline
Board of Directors
star*fish  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
If they're having this many problems before they get married--what happens when they get past the "honeymoon"? Or don't get one at all? If she's bored now, she'll hate him in year. Houses can be sold. That might not be what either of them want to do--but a house is not worth long-term unhappiness. I think this guy deserves someone who appreciates the good qualities he can bring to the table and a partner who isn't bored by his niceness. I think she deserves someone who isn't depressed or unavailable. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your friend. I'm just saying she isn't "into" him enough to marry him. If she's not absolutely bat-carp crazy about this guy right now--I seriously doubt it will get better. Why give it six months? Why not separate and see how that goes instead? See if they can find their way back to each other. They'll either realize how much they need each other--or be relieved they didn't pull the trigger. They aren't married yet--and THIS is the time to find out if they're happier apart. I hope she will NOT spend the next six months trying to make this work when her heart isn't in it.

Last edited by star*fish; 02/18/19 03:37 PM. Reason: sp

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441213
02/18/19 06:56 PM
02/18/19 06:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,426
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,426
Great advice, Star*Fish!

Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441215
02/19/19 01:51 PM
02/19/19 01:51 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,415
whatsupdoc? Offline
Member
whatsupdoc?  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,415
ITA ^^^ Great advice.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: star*fish] #441249
02/21/19 11:31 PM
02/21/19 11:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Originally Posted by star*fish
If they're having this many problems before they get married--what happens when they get past the "honeymoon"? Or don't get one at all? If she's bored now, she'll hate him in year. Houses can be sold. That might not be what either of them want to do--but a house is not worth long-term unhappiness. I think this guy deserves someone who appreciates the good qualities he can bring to the table and a partner who isn't bored by his niceness. I think she deserves someone who isn't depressed or unavailable. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your friend. I'm just saying she isn't "into" him enough to marry him. If she's not absolutely bat-carp crazy about this guy right now--I seriously doubt it will get better. Why give it six months? Why not separate and see how that goes instead? See if they can find their way back to each other. They'll either realize how much they need each other--or be relieved they didn't pull the trigger. They aren't married yet--and THIS is the time to find out if they're happier apart. I hope she will NOT spend the next six months trying to make this work when her heart isn't in it.


Wow, Star!!
Its like seeing a celebrity lol

Yes I entirely agree, which is why I didn't ask for advice, just somewhere to discuss it. I know I have a tendency to wanting to fix all relationships, and it makes me sad when they implode, but I do know not every relationship should be saved.
I havent actually seen her since the original discussion, but I will prolly see her this weekend. Our dogs have walking dates, and its been a while


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441252
02/23/19 03:36 PM
02/23/19 03:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
star*fish Offline
Board of Directors
star*fish  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
I'm a "fixer" too blush Keep us posted.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: star*fish] #441253
02/23/19 05:56 PM
02/23/19 05:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,405
right here waiting Offline
Board of Directors
President
right here waiting  Offline
Board of Directors
President
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,405
Just read through this thread, and had basically the same thoughts as Star.

I’m guessing your friend doesn’t want to hurt her fiancée by calling it quits (which I suspect she will do by the 6-month deadline), but is buying time to figure out how to handle it. It’s a sorry situation, but how much better to end a relationship that’s not working BEFORE it turns into a more unpleasant (and expensive) legal issue. Divorce is even more traumatic than breaking an engagement, and if/when a child or two should be thrown into the mix, it’s a recipe for misery for all involved.

Only thing I can suggest is that they get couple’s counseling and keep at it for the next six months. Personally, though, I think the relationship doesn’t have much of a chance. frown

All that said, it’s SO good to see you in these parts again, lil. We miss you.

Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: right here waiting] #441255
02/24/19 11:47 PM
02/24/19 11:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
Lil, share some of our stories with her and ask her if that is what she wants to experience or better yet, learn from our stories and avoid it being her experience. wink

However, be prepared that she won't get it and has to experience it herself. You can decide whether you are going to be there for her once she figures out later what we are all seeing now.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #441397
03/09/19 07:55 AM
03/09/19 07:55 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
I'm not going to share much with her, this is my safe place.

I had a good chat with her the other day, and it is no better, and frankly, worse.

I have started to give separation advice, and essentially told her that if she really does have one foot out the door, then she might as well be done.

I am sad. But I guess resigned as well


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #443373
06/26/19 05:10 AM
06/26/19 05:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,439
Ness
Hi guys,

I thought I'd update this and then guess that will close it off.

They separated, and it was all very adult and amicable. They still live in the same house in a flatmate sort of scenario. The plan is to continue on with this until spring when they can finish the landscaping and then sell it. Neither is able to purchase the property on their own.

She has listed herself on tinder, and has had a couple of dates. He knows and again, was very amicable about it. She did say he seems fairly unconcerned about anything.

And, thats all folks


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Giving it 6 months [Re: Lil] #443374
06/26/19 05:30 AM
06/26/19 05:30 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,333
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,333
Originally Posted by Lil
Hi guys,

I thought I'd update this and then guess that will close it off.

They separated, and it was all very adult and amicable. They still live in the same house in a flatmate sort of scenario. The plan is to continue on with this until spring when they can finish the landscaping and then sell it. Neither is able to purchase the property on their own.

She has listed herself on tinder, and has had a couple of dates. He knows and again, was very amicable about it. She did say he seems fairly unconcerned about anything.

And, thats all folks


Hi Lil, waves

Sounds like your friend is trying to make the best of a difficult situation. Glad you were able to be there for her.

Hope all's well with you and Mr. Flick. Thanks for updating us on the latest details.

Take care,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story

Moderated by  Chrysalis, Fiddler, Miranda 

Newest Members
Broken19, Amadhy, Farnell, 805bail, Marcin
2043 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Just updating... things do get better over time.5
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Affair World1
expired security certificate1
....micro-cheating is a thing in relationships, and here are the signs it's happening1
Warning MA Not Safe Message Keeps Popping Up4
Save Marriage After Exposure1
Save Marriage After Exposure223
Share and enjoy!1
Things men want3
Community Information
2043Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8475Topics
461816Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.022s Queries: 14 (0.004s) Memory: 3.2909 MB (Peak: 3.5871 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2019-10-21 17:51:18 UTC