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Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #440954
01/29/19 02:45 PM
01/29/19 02:45 PM
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whatsupdoc? Offline OP
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Cleaning, painting and house stuffs.

Congrats to my nephew! RENT (even tho did broke his foot before show) was a casting success! The original cast was there, the party afterwards was crazy -- according to the photos.
FOX is specifically requesting him as a casting director for new developments, now. I got friends in low places!


I have been bestowed with the honor of creating a cartooning class for my high school. Work, work work. But I do have some sorta famous cartoonists willing to help design curriculum. (If they hold true)
New software, crazy place to be.

Kitchen looks good, not great (I liked the white better) but easier to keep clean. The ceiling looks amazing..

Last edited by whatsupdoc?; 01/29/19 02:46 PM.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #440971
01/29/19 11:01 PM
01/29/19 11:01 PM
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What a great update! It sounds like you are as busy as ever. The cartooning class sounds like a blast once you get the curriculum finished.

Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441004
01/31/19 01:20 PM
01/31/19 01:20 PM
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More work, more the same.
My part of the state has ben requested to turn the heating down to 66. Some issue with a fire at a plant, and keeping the pressure up in the lines. Want to know a good test for a narcissist?
Every narcissist on my social media feed is proudly complaining and stating their refusal to do so.
(When did it become so fashionable to be a d**k? If you won't do it - whatever, fine. What is the need to broadcast?)

This is not going to be fun. Actually cheating as I'm at 67 now....

Two days off school. Starting my car just to keep it running.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441009
01/31/19 06:58 PM
01/31/19 06:58 PM
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Been thinking about you and others I know stuck in the snow storm via the polar vortex. While temps are dropping up your way, high heat temps are being set in Australia (101 - 120 degrees Fahrenheit).

Extreme weather.......what's going on?

Aussie snakes cool down in the toilet, watch where you sit. eek

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441011
02/01/19 04:30 AM
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Hugs, WuD. The -11` in Columbus was rough today. And then I heard about the -50` in Minot....

Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: Blair] #441017
02/01/19 08:35 PM
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Hey WUD,

Are the schools and mail closed in your area as well?

Please take care and be safe. I was talking to one of my software application companies I use in TN and they are frigid weather as well. So this cold front polar vortex effect is reaching farther down the mid and eastern side of the country.

Our weather out here is 'cold' by HI standards but nothing compared to what you all are going through, so I'll just put on a windbreaker, gotta go find it first.

Some gals around here are walking around in boots and jackets like it's real cold.....sigh.....I think they just want to show off their winter gear. It's just raining, not snowing. facepalm The thicker skinned guys for the most part are still in shorts and t-shirts. smile

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441019
02/02/19 06:28 AM
02/02/19 06:28 AM
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I grew up in the second most cold county in the state - 20 miles from my home registered the 2nd lowest temps on record not counting wind chill in the lower 48. I grew up near a university known for being the coldest windiest campus in the state. But there was a guy on campus who refused to wear pants, even at -40 not counting wind, he'd put on army boots and a big parka but he wouldn't wear pants.


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441027
02/04/19 07:17 PM
02/04/19 07:17 PM
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Ha. 60 degrees warmer now.


Was working on this portrait in my studio. Over my shoulder, I saw flames cast on the neighbors house. Thinking the old house was on fire, at 10:30 at night, I bolt outside. The psychos are having a bonfire -- -27.
Was thinking of calling a fireman, then I thought psychologist.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441029
02/04/19 07:43 PM
02/04/19 07:43 PM
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I wish there was an "easy" button to forgetting xh.
He is back on the scene, with my girls, not me, trying to play hotshot Auto Show exec.
Nice, they both graduate this year, he dumped them both. (Graduate school and bachelors)
It's up to them to decide, but I can tell his "angle"from bits my daughter says... (Us girls can't hold the divorce against him!)

That and bad food at a Superbowl party, made for a hell of a triggering nightmare night. What. the. h*ll? I really need to get a grip. I can't dream forever that I'm being cheated on (bomb drop), right?


My daughters are showing little respect for me, I know they are "taking wing", growing up and moving on -- but the know-it-all BS has to stop.
Really hard to be patient. They quit being teenagers YEARS ago.

Went to dinner at DD26 house Sunday. verbal barb, barb, barb -- finally I said "I never spoke to my mother like that" (I never did- fear or respect, IDK) SO I just left a bit early, apologizing and removing my "bad chi" with me.

My sister wants to kill them both. I know I am the "safe" one, but they have to grow the heck up. 26 is a doctor, for gosh sakes. The intense schooling DOES inhibit the "real life lesson" part of growing up...
Plus the Auto show, and now the layoffs begin for SE Michigan. All very hard to ignore when it is all over the news.

- just kavitching.


Last edited by whatsupdoc?; 02/04/19 08:04 PM.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441030
02/04/19 08:45 PM
02/04/19 08:45 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,204
Monterey, CA
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Quote
- just kavitching.
Actually, it's spelled kvetching (knowing you are a stickler for accuracy).
You're welcome. smirk


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441031
02/04/19 10:01 PM
02/04/19 10:01 PM
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Now is a great time to teach your daughters that people back off when they are rude. "Sorry, I can't make dinner. Last 3 times we were together, you took your feelings out on me, and I may be your mom but I'm not your punching bag. Maybe next month."

Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441032
02/05/19 12:27 AM
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Ouch. That's painful, WuD. I wonder why they feel entitled to treat you so poorly.

Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441038
02/05/19 01:53 PM
02/05/19 01:53 PM
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WuD have you ever looked at the compassion power stuff? I’d love to hear what you think.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441040
02/05/19 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by whatsupdoc?
I wish there was an "easy" button to forgetting xh.
He is back on the scene, with my girls, not me, trying to play hotshot Auto Show exec.
Nice, they both graduate this year, he dumped them both. (Graduate school and bachelors)
It's up to them to decide, but I can tell his "angle"from bits my daughter says... (Us girls can't hold the divorce against him!)

That and bad food at a Superbowl party, made for a hell of a triggering nightmare night. What. the. h*ll? [b] I really need to get a grip. I can't dream forever that I'm being cheated on (bomb drop), right?[/b]


My daughters are showing little respect for me, I know they are "taking wing", growing up and moving on -- but the know-it-all BS has to stop.
Really hard to be patient. They quit being teenagers YEARS ago.

Went to dinner at DD26 house Sunday. verbal barb, barb, barb -- finally I said "I never spoke to my mother like that" (I never did- fear or respect, IDK) SO I just left a bit early, apologizing and removing my "bad chi" with me.

My sister wants to kill them both. I know I am the "safe" one, but they have to grow the heck up. 26 is a doctor, for gosh sakes. The intense schooling DOES inhibit the "real life lesson" part of growing up...
Plus the Auto show, and now the layoffs begin for SE Michigan. All very hard to ignore when it is all over the news.

- just kavitching.



To the bolded....our dreams often reveal unfinished business. I know you have had a really tough time accepting your life blowing up. You are an amazing woman. You have so much going for you.....including the fact that you didn’t do this horrible thing that blew up your marriage.

It is normal though WUD. Heck I still have dreams when I am triggered in some way. Xh and I are civil and usually I view him as like a clerk at the store....but the other day he sent me pics of his friends lake cottage that had been badly damaged by a tornado. I knew better than to ask whose cabin it was. It is the family of a woman who sent my now xh a very explicit Facebook message. I fumed about it for days. How DARE he send me anything to do with her. And HOW does her husband remain friends with xh after he read that message? It really put me in a tailspin.

Your girls will probably go on to have a relationship with their father someday. I know how much easier it is for you when they don’t speak to him.....but he is their father. And they are adults who get to decide if he is worth a relationship. Are they telling you about their interactions? If it is too painful for you then ask them to keep it to themselves for now because you are still hurting.

(((WUD))))

Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441043
02/05/19 04:11 PM
02/05/19 04:11 PM
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The problem is not that they talk to their father. The problem is that they talk to WuD about their talk with their father. Or about her still being hung up about the divorce.

WuD, set them free to talk to their father. Don't make them pick sides. They will resent you for making them choose one parent over the other even if they choose you.

Do ask them not to talk to you about their father. That is cruel on their part. You don't need to know if he is taking them to the car show, or buying them a car at the car show. I guess if he buys them a new car you will eventually find out. But they should understand why you might not be overjoyed and as excited about XH buying them a car as they are. Wish them joy and safety with their new car. Then ask them to never again remind you how they got it.

If they can't understand why you don't want to hear anything about XH, tell them to imagine how they would feel if you started talking to them about the hot new guys you are dating and how good the sex was with one on Saturday morning and the other on Saturday night!!!

Last edited by holdingontoit; 02/05/19 04:12 PM.

Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: holdingontoit] #441046
02/05/19 08:25 PM
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I bring up examples of points I'm trying to make to my son as a point of reference. I let him know when I can find a better example of a point, I will let him know.

So far DT and WSt along with few other relatives have been the ones providing the 'best' examples of dysfunction.

I do make it clear that I share not to vent or make fun of but to learn from. I encourage my son to look for and take the good in folks and discard the bad. That said, he shouldn't be oblivious to wrong doing either.

That also applies to me as well.

As we have been doing this, it is less of an emotional journey as a learning one. It is helping him mold his attitude towards the future and adjust as needed. Not everything or everyone wants what's best for him, nor will they always treat him properly (civil, parental or otherwise).

I've learned not to be adverse when a child has to deal with a non-cooperating parent. But I am an advocate of getting my child prepared on how to deal with that type of person. Because that's life, our children should not be shielded but know how to deal such persons.

It's more about getting back to basics so we all have rely on principals to learn how to deal with things that enter our lives. That it's ok to talk about it and find better ways of dealing with it.

I was just discussing with a friend the other day and saying when we are proactive sometimes we may never realize how much chaos, dysfunction and true accidents we have avoided as a result of being better prepared but we should still work to stay prepared. Not sure if that makes sense but my point to make is that we need to be aware it could have been worse instead of it being worse.

I certainly don't want to as a person nor as a parent to my child or anyone for that matter gravitate to worse situations with no way out.

I know some will try to push that limit. I saw my SILs (several of them) deliberately do that with a vengeance and get mad when they can't inflict it on others. I was crazy to watch and even crazier when they kept trying to dump that kind of crap on me. There are folks like that in the world. Sadly, some of us are related to those kinds of folks. frown

The upside is often our children do 'get it' and become better persons but they may have to grow up a bit first. That's where hope resides. I tell my son that too. smile

jmo,
Orchid



Orchid
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441051
02/06/19 10:52 AM
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Thank you all for the encouraging words. I was spiraling, I realized, and the sassy kid just compounded it. DD26 needs me to dog sit this weekend, plus borrow a car for a few days. My feeling is she won't stay mad at me 'fer long. wink

I put both daughters on blast. Their mouths (snip - we call it here) and opinions that are rotten can stay 'outa my chi. ( or personal space, zip code ). I've had it with the freaking "mean girls" stunts. If they want to talk cr@p abut their family... they will get it turned around back at them.

I sent them this (yes, I know it is shame based, but I'm Catholic, Polish AND Military raised - trifecta of do-goodery)
"Aunt **** has done more for you than you will ever do for her. She is ill, has few options. Keep your critique - INCLUDING your opinions about your cousin, to yourselves."

The only thing bothering me is this attitude pattern. I'm a workaholic who does too much for people. I also get blamed for everyones issues in my family. X was never sorry, never at fault - all the problems were because of me -- of course. Typical to the empath role, I tried harder to fix it instead of boundaries.
- I just gave up. I was always the villain in some event. No amount of evidence could change x's stance.
- I thought if I did more... well, most people here know where that leads.

Both of my children have, at current, picked up this crappy attitude, because "mom will always be there, mom will let barbs fly by, mom is the reliable one"....you know. Their critique of me is savage, uncalled for in my opinion.
*** I hope they BOTH have LOTS of children, more specifically, intelligent pretty girls who treat them the same way they treated me. ha. ha. ha. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I will cackle in my rocking chair. HA.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441052
02/06/19 11:03 AM
02/06/19 11:03 AM
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Hold: The elder daughter I rarely speak with, mostly text. She will do her own thing. (I swear she told me this at about 6 months old). Younger is more sensitive, but was treated as poorly as me during divorce. (a few may not remember) XH was a mean **** to a kid who was blameless in his affair.
By the way, xh denies all wrongdoing against her, says she may no longer bring up "difficult" topics" anymore.
Eerily similar.
Besides telling younger she "has all the time she needs to decide about her dad" and "She has every right to not respect his choices"
-- I've told them both I don't want info about x. Ever.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441053
02/06/19 11:36 AM
02/06/19 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by whatsupdoc?
......The only thing bothering me is this attitude pattern. I'm a workaholic who does too much for people. I also get blamed for everyones issues in my family. X was never sorry, never at fault - all the problems were because of me -- of course. Typical to the empath role, I tried harder to fix it instead of boundaries.

- I just gave up. I was always the villain in some event. No amount of evidence could change x's stance.

- I thought if I did more... well, most people here know where that leads........


They (your daughters) do this to you simply because, 'they can'. Not a matter of whose right it is, it is just a matter because they can.

That said, the receiving and reaction end is what is within your control. I am an empathetic person for the most part but have found the need for firm boundaries works better for me. Too many in this world who want to play or prey on the good intentions of good folks and, well just wear out our ability to be empathetic. Leaving behind sometimes an awkward grouchy person.

You may be cast as the villain but it's a part that doesn't suit you well, so shed and shred the villain custom and learn to walk away, because 'you can'. wink

When they are left with having to clean up after themselves, they maybe they will be smart enough to appreciate vs grumble about your words of wisdom. wink

Hugz,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441060
02/06/19 06:28 PM
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WuD:

Just respond with a simple "ouch" when they cross a line that you now want to enforce. Does not matter if in the past that you sucked it up and took the blame and worked harder.

Going forward, from here.... just a simple "Ouch". It makes them stop and think. And maybe ask what that was about.

And all you have to say is that hurt, and you would hope they will not do it again.

And do it the next time, and the next. And then you leave the room if they continue.

That is allowing you to still be an empath, but supporting your boundaries.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441063
02/06/19 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted by whatsupdoc?
My daughters are showing little respect for me, I know they are "taking wing", growing up and moving on -- but the know-it-all BS has to stop.
Really hard to be patient. They quit being teenagers YEARS ago.

Went to dinner at DD26 house Sunday. verbal barb, barb, barb -- finally I said "I never spoke to my mother like that" (I never did- fear or respect, IDK) SO I just left a bit early, apologizing and removing my "bad chi" with me.
Would you be interested in an approach for responding to verbal "barbs" that preserves 'good chi'?


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441112
02/11/19 01:26 PM
02/11/19 01:26 PM
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Yes. (Pardon, I missed this Fiddler.)


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441118
02/11/19 05:32 PM
02/11/19 05:32 PM
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By the way. SW: If my dreams reflect what I need to work on, the world is in trouble, well at least my community. Godzilla.

I wrote on another thread about a new social group I'm in. We entered a new phase where "just us gals" about 30 have a side group. Everyone is taking turns organizing a group activity, instead of one person running it all.
Pshew_ I was Feb.
I decided a happy hour at a local bar (really a fancy restaurant, mostly). I was so nervous when "V" our bartender had no help and there were 16 different bar, app and food tabs. I was helping move drinks, clear table and making sure everyone was having a great time. (I was exhausted at the end!) EVERYONE chimed in about what a good time it was. Much photos, much cheering on the bartender/runner. All in good fun.

I was dressed to the 9's. I set up the media page and I named the group Ruby Slippers (idk why except it is easy to remember). Mine was the official kick off. I was make uped, hair curled, short skirt/boots and decked out.

I noticed a couple looking over at me from the bar. They kept looking. and looking. They stayed late, watching my group all hug good by and talking about the next group meeting. I had two more friends come late, I finally sat down and ate with them. Tap on shoulder. "wHo ARE you and hoW do we know you?" My brain: humda, humda humda.

They were my old neighbors from the M****d house! Took me a few min, but I got it. They have aged a bit, it was tricky.
She just kept staring at me "WuD?? Is that you?!?!? She actually stammered. You. look. FaNtast----" then she tried to reel it back in, like her astonishment was a possible embarrassment.

Sadly, they told me five of my very sweet neighbors have passed in the last few years. I never knew or kept up. My house was all the rage, talk of the neighborhood.- they second owners put over $100,000 in brick, concrete, barn and fencing, plus another similar amount inside. It does look... different.

I offered my condolences, told them briefly of my current house, Yup, still teaching, girls are at University. I asked them what the heck brought them up to my part of the woods?. They just like sushi. Go figure. Neither of us mentioned XH. I seriously doubt they cross his path ever.

Talked a bit then they left. I was fearing triggering, but I felt a real sense of accomplishment.
A gaggle of friends, I looked nice and I'm sort of rounding the corner of things I want done for the house. I am not "faking" it anymore...





Last edited by whatsupdoc?; 02/11/19 05:33 PM.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441122
02/11/19 10:44 PM
02/11/19 10:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,204
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Fiddler  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,204
Monterey, CA
Originally Posted by whatsupdoc?
Yes. (Pardon, I missed this Fiddler.)
Ok, the approach I advocate is based on a way to respond - I call it "tracking," but the term isn't important. What is important is that it starts by decoding the "hidden" message behind the "barbs" and then validating that message.

Both of these are accomplished more or less simultaneously by the tracking process. To start with, however, consider the possibility that the "barbs" actually have nothing to do with you at all, and are 100% about some kind of pain, sadness, or fear on the part of your daughter. (Think Ruiz' Second Agreement, if you're into that kind of thing). In addition, the actual message of the "barb" has little to do with the actual words being said, but what's underneath the words. Dealing with the words themselves is like trying to understand an impressionist painting by analyzing all the colored dots.

A tracking response typically starts with the words "So you ..." or simply "So ..." When responding, one only uses the pronoun "you" - never "I" or even "we." This is not what a so-called "you message" is however!

Can you recall what the "barbs" were - that is, what exactly was said that you took to be a "barb?" That way I can give some specific examples of how tracking works.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: WuD? - Moving on. [Re: whatsupdoc?] #441124
02/11/19 11:19 PM
02/11/19 11:19 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,456
B
Blair Online
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Blair  Online
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,456
Love the name Ruby Slippers! You make everything such fun. (Wish I lived closer. ...)

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