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Cheating wife won’t admit affair #440963
01/29/19 09:02 PM
01/29/19 09:02 PM
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Lost123 Offline OP
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Wife has been having an romantic affair with someone at work for 3+ months. I have confronted her about this and she just denies it, asks for proof and tells me to trust her.

I have suspected this since the start, and now one of her colleagues has given me the truth and a few pictures that corresponds with my diary of weird actions WS has been doing. I can’t reveal how i know to WS, or the colleague will get fired.

The relationship is quite cordial at home and their are two children involved who i love very much- and i would be prepared to try and work this out if she ended the affair. But the ongoing affair is destroying our relationship, and this whole period of lying when i know the truth is very damaging to me.

What should I do?

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440965
01/29/19 09:32 PM
01/29/19 09:32 PM
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Make an appointment with her HR at work and go talk to them. Let them know you're preparing to blow it up unless they separate the two.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: catperson] #440966
01/29/19 10:30 PM
01/29/19 10:30 PM
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L123,

Welcome to MA and very sorry you and your family are gong through this.

First, before you go to her HR dept., get more control over yourself. Post here a bit and we can help you develop a plan.

How old are your children. What do you know about the OM (OP - other person)?

I realize you don't want to hurt anyone and that is commendable but that desire should not override what you and your family are suffering. There are legal ways to do this but other factors also need to be considered.

Financial is often the most critical. Emotional and environment considerations have to be included as well. Lots on your plate in addition to evidence gathering especially when you are up against plans being made by the WS and OM.

So go to the doctor, let them know what you are dealing with vs your current health status, schedule a consultation visit with a good IC/MC and lawyer.

Get your ducks in a row with a plan and then move forward. Be prepared for the consequences so you need to have a clear mind and a calm heart as you are in the gathering phase. Remember to keep everything legal.

Create a support groups for yourself, your and your children and your children. Let your support group know you will tell them info as needed. Keep your exposure of the A to your children as needed but don't keep them in the dark, even if they are young. Our children are smart, we need to remember this.

Form a bond with your children and put all your communication in behalf of yourself and your children as a single unit.

This may seem like a lot, It is but you are not on this journey alone. Vent here as needed and hold on tight.....wild ride ahead. wink

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440967
01/29/19 10:31 PM
01/29/19 10:31 PM
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Living in infidelity is very destructive. Your wife is happy the way things are. It's called cake eating.

There is an old saying in order to save a marriage you must be willing to end it.

Exposure without warning is the best way to try and break the affair. What has talking to her gotten you? Not much and it usually doesn't.

Most in your situation are affraid exposure will push them away but she is already gone. She just didn't tell you.

A lot make the same old mistakes of trying to nice them back or play the "pick me dance", etc. all that does is lower your status and make her other man look even better.

If her other man has a wife. Telling her (without warning your wife) would be a good place to start. Helping hide her affair will only enable it further. Usually if you warn your wife in this situation they will Just conspire against you. Do not attempt to talk to her other man either. That will get you nowhere. Your actions are all that will count now.

Get strong quick and stay there. If they continue to work together the affair won't end. Just because you found out will probably not have the affect you think. Affairs are addictive and if you get the addict around the source you'll get relapse.

Is your wife's job worth more than your marriage/family?

At this time you are in shock. Got it. Your wife put you where you are but you are the one who'll have to get yourself out.

Up front most just what them back. Better take some time to think about what you want first. Infidelity is a gift that keeps on giving.

As you've seen cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot. Unfortunately your wife is just a very typical cheater. The only thing special is it's happening to you. They all follow the same script. These things play out pretty much the same way over and over. You can't trust anything she says.

Keep posting for more info. Sorry you're here.

Last edited by Marc878; 01/29/19 10:33 PM.

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Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440968
01/29/19 10:40 PM
01/29/19 10:40 PM
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You should go online and check your phone bill. I suspect like most you'll see a lot of activity between them. If you want the full length and depth the info will probably be in her phone.


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Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440970
01/29/19 10:59 PM
01/29/19 10:59 PM
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I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but welcome to Marriage Advocates.

Do you have a joint bill for your cell phones? Or, do you have separate accounts, each under individual names? Do you have access to her account? If so, pull the records for as long as it will allow. Print them as PDF documents as far back as the account will let you. Also pull the texts in addition to the list of phone calls. Put these in a safe place (like on a jump drive) and give a safe person copues of all information. Do not keep your only copy at home.

Does your wife have any apps on her phone like WhatsApp, or SnapChat, or anything else that has disappearing texting capabilities? Do you know if she has a Google Voice number as well?

Do you have joint bank accounts and credit card accounts? If so, you need to do a little research and find out if there are odd charges, or if your wife is buying items at strange locations. you should also pull a credit report on yourself and possibly her because your credit is tied to her to see if any new accounts have been opened that you are not aware of.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440973
01/30/19 03:17 AM
01/30/19 03:17 AM
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Lost123 Offline OP
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Thanks for the welcome.

Talked about HR with the colleague. Although she said HR are infamously spineless on these issues. Its not the OMs first workplace affair there.

OM has a wife, young daughter and a new baby. It appears he is very keen to keep it covered up, and is putting pressure on WS to keep it hidden.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440976
01/30/19 04:37 AM
01/30/19 04:37 AM
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It's best if exposure is done all at once. Without any warnings. Plan it before you execute. Sooner is better.

You may not want divorcee but it would be smart to visit an attorney to see where you stand.

Start a 180 no contact with your wife. It's an action on your part that says "I will not live in infidelity".

Mouth shut, eyes and ears open.


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Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440977
01/30/19 04:38 AM
01/30/19 04:38 AM
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Do you have access to your wife's phone? If she's like most she's probably guarding it.


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Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440978
01/30/19 04:59 AM
01/30/19 04:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Lost123
Thanks for the welcome.

Talked about HR with the colleague. Although she said HR are infamously spineless on these issues. Its not the OMs first workplace affair there.

OM has a wife, young daughter and a new baby. It appears he is very keen to keep it covered up, and is putting pressure on WS to keep it hidden.


That is great news. Expose to the wife immediately without warning to your wife.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440979
01/30/19 05:03 AM
01/30/19 05:03 AM
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Expose after you have evidence though. My ex tried to paint me as crazy and tried to deny everything.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440980
01/30/19 05:41 AM
01/30/19 05:41 AM
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Yes Blair is right.....gather a list of people you want to expose to. Make sure you have proof. And then do it all at one time.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440981
01/30/19 05:45 AM
01/30/19 05:45 AM
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Lost, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Most of us here have been through the nightmare you’re now living, and many of us have made it to the other side, marriages rebuilt and intact. It IS possible, but understand—it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.

Almost never does a wayward spouse snap out of it when the betrayed says, “I will not share my wife/husband with another man/woman.” Nevertheless, these are words you must say with conviction. (And repeat when she gives you justifications, lies, or any kind of pushback.)

That sets the stage for the effective action you must take, or the words are meaningless.

The first and most important thing is to break up the affair. The steps to do that are simple, but not easy. The idea is to deliver reality into the fantasy. Affairs ARE fantasy. And they are addictive as hell. You cannot talk your wife into giving it up. Reason won’t work; threats won’t work. Begging and pleading never works, so don’t do it!

So what DO you do? Here are some steps you can take that have a good chance of achieving the goal of making the affair uncomfortable and difficult.

1. Expose the affair to people who matter to your wife, especially if there’s any chance they will not approve, and might even let her know they don’t. Her parents. Her siblings. Her close friends. Her pastor.

You don’t do this to punish her, or to harm her. This is not a vindictive move! You do it to protect your marriage and your family. Let the people you tell know that you are devastated by this, and you want to save your marriage and protect your kids. Ask for their help.

Tell your children, in an age-appropriate way. To a teenager, you might say, “Mom’s gotten herself into a mess that I want to help her out of. She’s involved in an inappropriate relationship with a man at work. It’s going to be a rocky period for us, but if it gets weird around here, I want you to understand it isn’t connected to anything you’ve done.” Or words to that effect.

To a young child, something simple and succinct: “I’m afraid Mommy has a boyfriend, and you’re not supposed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend when you’re married.”

Best of all possible moves, the coup de grace: expose the affair to the other man’s (OM’s) wife. If she already knows, it doesn’t hurt for her to know you’re aware, too. If she didn’t know until you told her, it will rock her world, but she has a right to know what’s going on in her own marriage. But it will certainly rock OM’s world too, and that’s a good thing. The dirty truth getting out leaves both affairees exposed, defensive, often embarrassed, and angry.

2. When she blows up—and she will be livid—that’s the time to reiterate, “I will not share my wife with another man.” She will rant, rave, curse you, and scream, “You had no right to invade my privacy!” With credit to a long-ago poster, my answer when my husband yelled that line over and over again at me was, “I didn’t invade your privacy. I exposed your secrecy.” It stopped him cold, although I have no idea what actually went on in his head at the time.

As unpleasant as it will be to deal with her wrath, understand that your marriage can survive her anger. It’s a feeling, and it can pass over time. What your marriage cannot survive is an ongoing affair that you tolerate.

(I said the path was “simple,” not “easy,” remember?)

It is very important not to warn her that you are going to do this, or to threaten to do this. All that does is give her (and OM) time to spread the word that her “crazy, suspicious” husband thinks she’s having an affair, when we’re “just coworkers,” or more commonly, “just friends.” You will be discredited before you make the first phone call, and YOU’LL be the bad guy.

Make your list and contact all of them the same day, nor warning.

Chew on that a bit, and we’ll talk about other successful strategies. Disrupting an affair and rebuilding a shattered marriage is a process that spans many months. And, of course, there are no guarantees that it can save any given marriage. But it takes a plan. And guts. And fortitude. But nothing is sweeter than succeeding. I can vouch for that. My husband’s affair is now 12 years in our rear-view mirror, and our marriage has been way better than it had been before that devastation hit. There are other recovered members here too, along with those whose marriages could not be saved, but who have achieved personal recovery, which is necessary whichever way it turns out.

By the way, the exposure strategy and the plan some of us followed was created and taught by a successful marriage counselor/clinical psychologist named Willard Harley. He’s written books on the subject that you might want to get your hands on. “Surviving an Affair” is one good one. Others include “His Needs Her Needs” and “Love Busters.” All very insightful, and pragmatic. I recommend them highly.

Stay with us, Lost. We’ll be here.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: right here waiting] #440982
01/30/19 06:01 AM
01/30/19 06:01 AM
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Originally Posted by right here waiting
Lost, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Most of us here have been through the nightmare you’re now living, and many of us have made it to the other side, marriages rebuilt and intact. It IS possible, but understand—it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.

Almost never does a wayward spouse snap out of it when the betrayed says, “I will not share my wife/husband with another man/woman.” Nevertheless, these are words you must say with conviction. (And repeat when she gives you justifications, lies, or any kind of pushback.)

That sets the stage for the effective action you must take, or the words are meaningless.

The first and most important thing is to break up the affair. The steps to do that are simple, but not easy. The idea is to deliver reality into the fantasy. Affairs ARE fantasy. And they are addictive as hell. You cannot talk your wife into giving it up. Reason won’t work; threats won’t work. Begging and pleading never works, so don’t do it!

So what DO you do? Here are some steps you can take that have a good chance of achieving the goal of making the affair uncomfortable and difficult.

1. Expose the affair to people who matter to your wife, especially if there’s any chance they will not approve, and might even let her know they don’t. Her parents. Her siblings. Her close friends. Her pastor.

You don’t do this to punish her, or to harm her. This is not a vindictive move! You do it to protect your marriage and your family. Let the people you tell know that you are devastated by this, and you want to save your marriage and protect your kids. Ask for their help.

Tell your children, in an age-appropriate way. To a teenager, you might say, “Mom’s gotten herself into a mess that I want to help her out of. She’s involved in an inappropriate relationship with a man at work. It’s going to be a rocky period for us, but if it gets weird around here, I want you to understand it isn’t connected to anything you’ve done.” Or words to that effect.

To a young child, something simple and succinct: “I’m afraid Mommy has a boyfriend, and you’re not supposed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend when you’re married.”

Best of all possible moves, the coup de grace: expose the affair to the other man’s (OM’s) wife. If she already knows, it doesn’t hurt for her to know you’re aware, too. If she didn’t know until you told her, it will rock her world, but she has a right to know what’s going on in her own marriage. But it will certainly rock OM’s world too, and that’s a good thing. The dirty truth getting out leaves both affairees exposed, defensive, often embarrassed, and angry.

2. When she blows up—and she will be livid—that’s the time to reiterate, “I will not share my wife with another man.” She will rant, rave, curse you, and scream, “You had no right to invade my privacy!” With credit to a long-ago poster, my answer when my husband yelled that line over and over again at me was, “I didn’t invade your privacy. I exposed your secrecy.” It stopped him cold, although I have no idea what actually went on in his head at the time.

As unpleasant as it will be to deal with her wrath, understand that your marriage can survive her anger. It’s a feeling, and it can pass over time. What your marriage cannot survive is an ongoing affair that you tolerate.

(I said the path was “simple,” not “easy,” remember?)

It is very important not to warn her that you are going to do this, or to threaten to do this. All that does is give her (and OM) time to spread the word that her “crazy, suspicious” husband thinks she’s having an affair, when we’re “just coworkers,” or more commonly, “just friends.” You will be discredited before you make the first phone call, and YOU’LL be the bad guy.

Make your list and contact all of them the same day, nor warning.

Chew on that a bit, and we’ll talk about other successful strategies. Disrupting an affair and rebuilding a shattered marriage is a process that spans many months. And, of course, there are no guarantees that it can save any given marriage. But it takes a plan. And guts. And fortitude. But nothing is sweeter than succeeding. I can vouch for that. My husband’s affair is now 12 years in our rear-view mirror, and our marriage has been way better than it had been before that devastation hit. There are other recovered members here too, along with those whose marriages could not be saved, but who have achieved personal recovery, which is necessary whichever way it turns out.

By the way, the exposure strategy and the plan some of us followed was created and taught by a successful marriage counselor/clinical psychologist named Willard Harley. He’s written books on the subject that you might want to get your hands on. “Surviving an Affair” is one good one. Others include “His Needs Her Needs” and “Love Busters.” All very insightful, and pragmatic. I recommend them highly.

Stay with us, Lost. We’ll be here.


Perfect post. I wish I had had the energy to write it. Listen to it Lost. It will save you one way or the other.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440985
01/30/19 09:29 AM
01/30/19 09:29 AM
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I have said ‘i will not share you with another man’, but she is denying the whole thing, and trying to spin that I’m crazy. The A has already eroded respect she had for me. I can see in her eyes that the A is addictive. It makes her feel desirable, home is awkward because of the deceit and lies she has to tell. I have witnessed exposure happen in real life, and the results were the A partners getting together full time, as they had nowhere else to turn. OM Is DV and is not someone safe to have in my children’s lives.
Exposure seems to play into her hands if she wants to replace me for him. The secrets are certainly in her phone, she is very protective of it, and sits there for hours waiting for him to message her.
Are there other options?

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440986
01/30/19 10:00 AM
01/30/19 10:00 AM
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You need to learn how a WS really ticks and how to work that to your advantage.

First you need to get back in control of yourself. Do that with the options we provided above.

Focus on getting yourself stronger first, then will be able to deal with the WS on a much more equal platform.

Right now, know that she has no moral or values that she may have previously held dear. As a WS, you are in her way of having the A.

Lying and denial are her tools to keep the A active. Also know how your actions fuel the A and learn how to not do so.

You will need to take a hard honest look at yourself and make your self-improvements so she as a WS has less to pick on. Do so with the motive to make your self-improvements as a good move for you vs trying to fight the WS. The side benefit will be to develop the ability to disable the WS.

It might not make sense now but you have to learn how to navigate through this mess. Sane and normal tactics won't work well. So before you can learn how to deal with the WS is first to learn what a WS' goal and how to disengage all that is precious from the WS.

So let's back up a bit and help you develop a plan for you first. Is that ok?


Orchid
Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440987
01/30/19 12:25 PM
01/30/19 12:25 PM
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Since I originally suspected I have made positive changes in my life, loosing weight, changing outlook, making more time for her. WS has commented that i am much more like the man she met years ago. Things have improved between us, but the A continues. I have some support network around me. Knowledge of the A, the smell of him in my house, and her lies are eating me up though.

How do I understand her WS goal and agendas? How to i disengage what is precious? If there is more i can do, attitudes i can change, I would welcome a plan.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440988
01/30/19 12:37 PM
01/30/19 12:37 PM
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L123,

Your attitude is in the right direction and it seems you are already moving in the right direction. How old are your children? All of you may be in need of IC (individually and separately as needed).

I even let my babysitter and school (both teacher and front office) know what we were dealing with. In my case the OW threatened to remove my child from school. It was a baseless threat but a reported threat none-the-less.

It's very late right now so please be patient a bit, more posters will come and help you develop a plan. We have a good bunch of BH (betrayed husbands) who can help you out a lot.

If you can read some of the recommended books it helps. It is difficult to get the right mindset because nothing about the A makes sense. As you can see you making improvements isn't enough to stop the A because the A isn't about who is better, it is about very selfish and greedy needs that outweigh a person's responsibilities and caring for one's family.

So don't feel rejected. This isn't about you being a bad person, father or husband.

Knowing this will help keep you from being distracted when she tries to blame you for her A. Yep, I got blamed for my WS' A. So many crazy stories. If you read other threads, you will see what others have gone through.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440989
01/30/19 12:39 PM
01/30/19 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Lost123
Since I originally suspected I have made positive changes in my life, loosing weight, changing outlook, making more time for her. WS has commented that i am much more like the man she met years ago. Things have improved between us, but the A continues. I have some support network around me. Knowledge of the A, the smell of him in my house, and her lies are eating me up though.

This is the "pick me dance" it never works. All it does is lower your status will making her other man look stronger than you.

How do I understand her WS goal and agendas? How to i disengage what is precious? If there is more i can do, attitudes i can change, I would welcome a plan.


You are affraid of exposure but in reality that's the only weapon you have to break the affair. Affairs only thrive in secret and the dark. If exposure doesn't work you have nothing to work with anyway.

Get your respect back. At this time your are accepting her affair. If you don't respect yourself she sure won't.

In these situations the more you try and win her back the farther she'll move away.

You are looking for an easy way out. There isn't one. The longer the affair continues the more entrenched they become.

Better wake up!!!!!

Last edited by Marc878; 01/30/19 12:39 PM.

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Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440990
01/30/19 01:14 PM
01/30/19 01:14 PM
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Usually in an affair the wayward will rewrite the marital history to justify her actions. With you being the bad guy. There is no justification for an affair it was a conscious Choice that she's made. You didn't cause it or make her do it.

You seem to be in the betrayed spouse syndrome.
Blaming yourself for her affair
Helping hide the affair
Doing the pick me dance
Trying to nice her back
Letting your fear guide and control you
Living/accepting her Infidelity by taking no actions
Perhaps chasing them

It is a shock and you're paralyzed but all this does is work against you.

Strength is attractive weakness is not

Read up on 180 no contact. Take yourself out of the equation

Currently you are feeding a cake eater. All that will do is make her want more cake and embolden her.


Last edited by Marc878; 01/30/19 01:15 PM.

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Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440991
01/30/19 02:06 PM
01/30/19 02:06 PM
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I have said ‘i will not share you with another man’, but she is denying the whole thing, and trying to spin that I’m crazy. The A has already eroded respect she had for me. I can see in her eyes that the A is addictive. It makes her feel desirable, home is awkward because of the deceit and lies she has to tell. I have witnessed exposure happen in real life, and the results were the A partners getting together full time, as they had nowhere else to turn. OM Is DV and is not someone safe to have in my children’s lives.
Exposure seems to play into her hands if she wants to replace me for him. The secrets are certainly in her phone, she is very protective of it, and sits there for hours waiting for him to message her.
Are there other options?
You only have one real option - to make it clear to her you won't stay married while sharing her. Period.

You have to KNOW this in your gut, before anything else. You are doing what most BHs do - spinning in circles trying to find a solution without having to be firm and risk losing the marriage.

You can't. There IS no other solution. You simply must be willing to lose the marriage, to have a chance of saving it.

Frankly, I wouldn't bother waiting to gather evidence, unless you have money to spend on a private detective. Skip that step and go to the rest of the plan (the only one that has a chance of working). HERE IS YOUR PLAN:
1) She comes home and you say you're done, you know she's cheating and you will not share her. She has ONE chance, RIGHT NOW, to end the affair for good.
2) She will deny.
3) You say fine and drop the subject.
4) You sit down with a list of phone numbers to her parents, her siblings, any special aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins/best friends who she cares about the most (her VIPs) - AS WELL AS the OM's wife, and you start calling, starting with the ones most important to her. You tell them your wife, their sister/daughter/whatever, is cheating on you with "Rob" at work and you have told her to end the affair and she refuses and you therefore have no choice but to start proceedings to end the marriage and, possibly, sue for custody as you aren't sure she can bring the kids up in a healthy environment if she's cheating. You welcome their feedback but you will not share her with another man; you are merely letting them know the truth of what's going on and you hope they can bring some sense to her. You accept any shortcomings you may have brought to the marriage and you are quite willing to address them but you will not do so if she continues to cheat. You thank them for their understanding, and you hang up.
5) You make all these phone calls (or texts/emails, if you're not close enough to talk to them) AT ONE TIME, no breaks, until you're done. Cos they're gonna start calling her, and she is going to be PISSED OFF. That's good. That means the exposure is working. Cheaters want their cheating to be hiding in the dark; that's what makes it exciting and alluring. Once it's out in the open, she has a choice to make: declare her 'love' for this loser and give up her whole cushy life, or admit she made a mistake, end the affair, and come back to the marriage.
6) You sit back and wait for the sh*tstorm to blow over. If she comes after you, just leave the room/house, take a walk or a drive, take the kids to grandma's to avoid the drama. Refuse to argue. Stay stone cold and calm. Do NOT raise your voice, just keep repeating I'm not going to share you with another man, you have a choice to make, and that window of opportunity is shrinking.
7) You give her a set time period - 2 days, one week, whatever. At the end of that, if she hasn't given you proof (we can help with that) that she's ended the affair, you inform her of your appointment with your lawyer.
8) You GO to that lawyer and start paperwork. It can always be canceled if she gets her head out of her behind. But start it. She HAS to see that you are serious, that she's about to lose the comfortable life she's come to expect. This is vital for her to come to respect you again. Remember that women literally desire strong men; it's in our DNA. By you sitting back and accepting her cheating on you, you became weak weak weak. And the OM, by taking what he wanted, became strong. She will NEVER choose you unless you're willing to walk away.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440992
01/30/19 03:23 PM
01/30/19 03:23 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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holdingontoit  Offline
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Originally Posted by catperson
She will NEVER choose you unless you're willing to walk away.


Lost, keep repeating this to yourself. You might be tempted to think that she will appreciate a man who will stay with her "no matter what". After all, wasn't that part of the marriage vows?

Truth is, no wayward spouse comes back to a partner who says "you can walk all over me, treat me with disrespect, betray me, and I will still be here waiting for you". That is not an attractive proposition. Saying you will stay "no matter what" is saying "you are the prize, and I am the lucky lottery winner who got you despite being unworthy, and I will never let you go because I will never find anyone as great as you again".

If you are going to save your marriage, you have got to convince yourself that you are the prize, and she is lucky to have you. Only from that frame of mind can you appear strong and attractive. And you know what: it is the truth. You are the prize. You shouldn't be desperately trying to earn back her attention. She should be desperately trying to apologize to you and trying to win another chance with you. So far, she hasn't earned it.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440993
01/30/19 09:25 PM
01/30/19 09:25 PM
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Lost123 Offline OP
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Lost123  Offline OP
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I’m guilty of some Betrayed S syndrome. She originally claimed the issues were that i had ignored her so we have done the dance, and i have been too nice.
Simply, if we didn’t have the kids we would be finished already. I adore my kids, they are confident, happy and settled and i can’t bear tearing their world apart. That should be her doing if it happens. I will see if i can get some IC for them.

Thanks for all the positive comments posted. Seeing a lawyer tomorrow now, so hopefully i find a way of at least protecting the children.

Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440994
01/30/19 10:14 PM
01/30/19 10:14 PM
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Orchid2 Online
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Has the OM been in your home performing as an OM? Has he been allowed to be around your children?


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Re: Cheating wife won’t admit affair [Re: Lost123] #440995
01/30/19 10:29 PM
01/30/19 10:29 PM
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Marc878 Online
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Originally Posted by Lost123
I’m guilty of some Betrayed S syndrome. She originally claimed the issues were that i had ignored her so we have done the dance, and i have been too nice.

Typical cheater ploy. They need to justify the affair. Nothing knew here. Stop falling for that BS. She's not perfect. Did you have an affair because of it?

Simply, if we didn’t have the kids we would be finished already. I adore my kids, they are confident, happy and settled and i can’t bear tearing their world apart. That should be her doing if it happens. I will see if i can get some IC for them.

You are taking the martyr stance so you don't have to make a decision. What do you think your kids would think of your actions? Better yet if this were one of your kids when they grow up what would you want them to do? if you don't stand up and do what's right here you will become a defeated shell of the man you should be. It doesn't seem to me your are thinking long term about the kids and the affects on them for allowing yourself to be abused. They will find out or suspect if they aren't already. Kids aren't stupid.

Thanks for all the positive comments posted. Seeing a lawyer tomorrow now, so hopefully i find a way of at least protecting the children.


You cannot make your wife do a thing. You can control yourself.

When your wife said are you going to divorce me? Your answer was no. You sealed and enabled her behavior. She knew at that moment she could play you and do as she pleased. You can't fix that now but you can chart a new course.

Last edited by Marc878; 01/30/19 10:32 PM.

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