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Re: So Very Tired [Re: LadyGrey] #440420
12/08/18 12:12 AM
12/08/18 12:12 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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I am so sorry my friend. In many ways it is more difficult to lose a parent with whom you had a bad relationship than a parent that was completely loved.

I think you have every right to be totally sad for as long as you want. Sometimes we just have to feel the feels to be able to come out the other side.

I wish I could hug you. (((Lady Grey)))))

Re: So Very Tired [Re: LadyGrey] #440422
12/08/18 12:48 AM
12/08/18 12:48 AM
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Orchid2 Offline
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HI
LG,

Very sorry to hear about your mom's passing.

Grieving is what our souls do. Don't suppress it but keep it a safe type of grieving. It varies by person but if you need to do so, then proceed.

hug

Those who make sometimes sincere but ineffective statements will happen. Knowing this will help (because denial just exacerbates the pain). Acknowledging it lets you know where to put it.

Don't let it stop a grieving process that you need to work through. That's what I had to do when I lost both my parents. Know that some of the sincere but severely offensive statements were difficult to take. Knowing they may happen allowed me to stay balanced and not be thrown to the ground.

We are an ocean away but I send my care and concern along with sympathy to you, your siblings and family.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440423
12/08/18 01:02 AM
12/08/18 01:02 AM
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Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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LadyGrey, I am so sorry for your losses and for all that you are feeling, whether you can "figure it out" how you feel or not.

The way I see it, feelings just are and generally resist any analytics. One cannot simply "choose" to feel other than what one feels (even writing this it seems like such a tautology that hardly bears even mentioning). This is perhaps why trying to cheer someone up generally is ineffective. So I'm totally with you in not wanting cheer (except for the punching part - I'm not down with that).

The closest I have come to "figuring out" feelings is inquiring into certain of my thoughts, which are what cause me to feel a certain way. (Keeping in mind that as a guy, feelings are the basic "primary colors" = mad, sad, glad, happy, horny [which are not the original names of the dwarfs, I would hasten to point out]). By questioning these thoughts, I often come to see that I have been believing lies, which in turn have caused me to feel badly. As they say, though, your mileage may vary.

I have always appreciated your willingness to examine ideas with a discerning eye and asking "is this really true?" Maybe you could apply that occam's razor to some of the things you are thinking now.

Again, I am so sorry for all you have been through. I hope that you do recognize that we are in your corner here.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440424
12/08/18 06:58 AM
12/08/18 06:58 AM
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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LG

Well you’re consistent on a theme in your life just like I am. Unfortunately both of us seem to have landed on the theme of “just cannot catch a break.”

It just tears me apart to see the next in your long list of painful struggles. But I know you’ll soldier on, somehow. My thoughts are with you. Sending you much love and strength to get you through this difficult, confusing, painful time.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440426
12/08/18 02:03 PM
12/08/18 02:03 PM
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Blair Offline
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Hugs, LG. I'm so sorry.

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440431
12/08/18 05:07 PM
12/08/18 05:07 PM
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Posts: 1,385
Utah
Kayla Offline
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(((((HUGS))))) - It's a very emotionally healthy and honest person who wants and needs their grief space, without being artificially propped up/cheered/look-at-the-bright-side, etc. At this time the most inauthentic thing people do is try to lift someone out of their grief especially when the loss is so fresh.

My condolences.


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440432
12/08/18 05:42 PM
12/08/18 05:42 PM
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LG, I promise not to try to cheer you up. It's all too darn much.

But I'm here, just sitting, listening.

Last edited by Chrysalis; 12/08/18 05:42 PM.

Chrysalis
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440435
12/08/18 09:14 PM
12/08/18 09:14 PM
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LG:

Sorry about your loss. Grieve as you need too.

With Chrysalis, I will sit in silence with you.

((((LG))))

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440436
12/09/18 01:32 AM
12/09/18 01:32 AM
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LivingWell Offline
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LG, I’m sorry for your loss. The grieving process can be a strange one, that’s for sure. Thank you for sharing this news and how you’re doing.


ETA: After reading back a bit in your thread, I have no words that would convey the depth of my condolences.

Last edited by LivingWell; 12/09/18 01:38 AM.
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440441
12/09/18 09:37 AM
12/09/18 09:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline
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LG,

I am so sorry for your double loss.

Not even going to try to cheer you up or offer advice. Been dealing with a lot of my own stuff but it pales by comparison to what you are going through.


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440442
12/09/18 10:29 AM
12/09/18 10:29 AM
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So sorry LG.

Like others I’m happy so sit with you as you grieve in your own way, in your own time.

My prayers are with you

MUN


You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440452
12/10/18 03:06 PM
12/10/18 03:06 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 772
southern USA
at peace Offline
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(((((LadyGrey))))) <3


"To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice."
wife...mom...nana...happy smile
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440467
12/11/18 06:08 PM
12/11/18 06:08 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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I care. I am here. You matter. Truly.

That said, I have a slightly different take than most. I don't think you are grieving your mother's passing. Why would you grieve over that? She was horrid to you most of the time. Instead, I think you are grieving the death of hope. The loss of hope that some day she might come to her senses and apologize and ask for forgiveness for her awful behavior. Now you know there will be no apology and no request for forgiveness. Not that you expected it to happen. But there it was, a tiny shard of hope, buried deep within you. I can imagine the loss of that faint, slim hope (notwithstanding how very faint and very slim it was) feels like something cherished has been ripped from inside you. THAT is a death worth grieving over.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440469
12/11/18 11:27 PM
12/11/18 11:27 PM
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Blair Offline
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I was thinking something similar. You miss your dad. You miss the opportunity to hold a grand-baby in your arms and celebrate with your daughter.

You have a big heart, LG, and you are always helping everyone else. Give yourself time and space to help you heal your heart. Hugs.

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440489
12/13/18 01:22 AM
12/13/18 01:22 AM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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Originally Posted by hold
The loss of hope


Yes, there is truth there. When I fled the house in the middle of the night in September, I looked at her and thought "I'll never see you alive again." That turned out not to be true, but just barely.

I committed to do the right thing by my parents -- to honor my father and mother in line with my Judeo/Christian ethos -- at great emotional cost to myself so I could sit here today and know I did the right thing.

But there is something about her one open dead eye -- she had beautiful blue eyes and one stayed open when she died -- that feels sad and accusing. I can't get it out of my mind. It's a mental movie that won't shut off.

Honestly? I mostly feel relief. I don't ever have to be scared again.

Originally Posted by Fiddler
By questioning these thoughts, I often come to see that I have been believing lies, which in turn have caused me to feel badly.


I'm not sure how to apply this to my life. I think for the first 40% of my life I believed lies -- that we were a perfect family and all exceptional -- and the cognitive dissonance made me literally crazy. I think for the last 20 years I have seen and endured the truth but it still hurt, just differently.

My mother asked when she was first in assisted living why I hadn't come to help my sister. I tried to tell her that my daughter's pregnancy was looking iffy and she said, "you have always been selfish -- never cared about anyone but yourself" and hung up on me.

It was a gut punch and no amount of not believing her lies has made a difference. She was my mother -- an unimpeachable source on my character. It was also one of the last things she ever said to me.

Thank you to everyone. This has been a beating. I can't quite sort out what to think so I'm practicing aggressive self care -- exercising, eating healthy with liberal doses of ice cream as needed, reading stupid books and sleeping a lot.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440492
12/13/18 02:06 AM
12/13/18 02:06 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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What a horrible thing to say to anyone! Ugh that makes me angry even though she is dead now,

I am so sorry LG.

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440493
12/13/18 02:12 AM
12/13/18 02:12 AM
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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She’s done hurting you in new ways now LG. You can start healing from all those hurts whenever you’re ready. You’re safe now. She has no power now.

I’m so so so sorry. Go gentle with yourself. Know we are holding you with love in our hearts.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: Miranda] #440495
12/13/18 02:42 AM
12/13/18 02:42 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted by Miranda
She’s done hurting you in new ways now LG. You can start healing from all those hurts whenever you’re ready. You’re safe now. She has no power now.

I’m so so so sorry. Go gentle with yourself. Know we are holding you with love in our hearts.


So well said Miranda.

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440501
12/13/18 05:06 AM
12/13/18 05:06 AM
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Blair Offline
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Nicely said, Miranda.

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440640
12/27/18 04:10 AM
12/27/18 04:10 AM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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I had my first Christmas without my parents and I felt nothing. I bought a bunch of presents and didn't have a tree and cooked a lot of food I didn't eat and cleaned up a lot of dishes I didn't have anything to do with and de-Christmasd my daughter's house and slept ten to twelve hours a night and thought the whole thing was a huge bother.

I watched Love Actually with my husband and realized when Emma Thompson asked whether she should stay knowing her life would always be a little worse that that was what I had sentenced my husband and I to. And I looked over at him and he was crying.

I don't think anyone gets over an affair. Not really. I think the fracture runs too deep on both sides. I'm fractured because I betrayed myself and he's fractured because I betrayed him.

It's a myth that you can fix that.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440641
12/27/18 04:28 AM
12/27/18 04:28 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted by LadyGrey
I had my first Christmas without my parents and I felt nothing. I bought a bunch of presents and didn't have a tree and cooked a lot of food I didn't eat and cleaned up a lot of dishes I didn't have anything to do with and de-Christmasd my daughter's house and slept ten to twelve hours a night and thought the whole thing was a huge bother.

I watched Love Actually with my husband and realized when Emma Thompson asked whether she should stay knowing her life would always be a little worse that that was what I had sentenced my husband and I to. And I looked over at him and he was crying.

I don't think anyone gets over an affair. Not really. I think the fracture runs too deep on both sides. I'm fractured because I betrayed myself and he's fractured because I betrayed him.

It's a myth that you can fix that.


Pleas don’t define your life while you are grieving.

I have never watched that movie. Now I need too.

Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440648
12/27/18 02:15 PM
12/27/18 02:15 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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LG: Sympathy on your losses.

I think you posts resonate with me because we are, in some ways, making the same life mistake. We are defining ourselves based on one mistake or one characteristic. And we refuse to forgive outrselves. We view the flaw as permanent and unchangeable. Which robs us of any motivation to change and grow.

You are not defined by your affair. Neither is your relationship with your H. if you insist on defining yourself as the villain and your H as the victim - despite all the poor treatment that you have endured from him - then you consign both of you to purgatory. I know how tempting that is for those of us with martyr / masochistic tendencies. I am doing exactly the same thing.

But it is the wrong choice. For both of us. I don't expect you to choose differently based on my posting this. I do not expect to ever choose differently, either. But it needs to be said forcefully that what we believe about ourselves and what we believe about our spouses is false. We are living our lives based on known falsehoods.

I bet "smart" is an adjective many people who know us would use to describe us. if they only knew the truth.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440652
12/27/18 05:25 PM
12/27/18 05:25 PM
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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LG

there is so much more to you and your life than the relationship between you and your husband. (This goes for you too Hold!!)

I had this problem too for awhile. I kept coming back to seeing myself only through the lens of my relationship with Daryl. I don’t do it anymore. I’m so much more. I’m everything. I don’t ever see myself through a single lens now. It keeps me from getting dragged into the abyss.

Yes I get sad moments. Mad moments. Crazy moments. But they cannot endure because I’m ALL my parts. And all my facets need my attention.

All your facets need your attention LG. That’s how you shine. And you DO shine. You’re a rare and precious thing. Don’t forget for a second that you are.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: Miranda] #440674
12/28/18 11:04 PM
12/28/18 11:04 PM
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SFB Offline
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Originally Posted by Miranda
LG

there is so much more to you and your life than the relationship between you and your husband. (This goes for you too Hold!!)

I had this problem too for awhile. I kept coming back to seeing myself only through the lens of my relationship with Daryl. I don’t do it anymore. I’m so much more. I’m everything. I don’t ever see myself through a single lens now. It keeps me from getting dragged into the abyss.

Yes I get sad moments. Mad moments. Crazy moments. But they cannot endure because I’m ALL my parts. And all my facets need my attention.

All your facets need your attention LG. That’s how you shine. And you DO shine. You’re a rare and precious thing. Don’t forget for a second that you are.


Just WOW, M.

Wow.

SFb


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: My Gratitude Journal [Re: LadyGrey] #440675
12/30/18 04:42 AM
12/30/18 04:42 AM
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LadyGrey Offline OP
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Miranda, my mother can’t hurt me anymore, ever again, unless I let her through my memories.

A stronger better adjusted person would have been able to say that whilst she was still alive.

But now I get to say it.

The relief of decompressing after 58 years of her abuse is hard to explain. I wish I felt sad, but I only feel sad about what she put my poor sister through in the end of life care.

I sleep a ridiculous amount — often 12 hours a night. The fatigue is like chemo fatigue. I went to bed at 8:19 on Christmas Eve and missed dinner.

I don’t drink near as much wine because I don’t have this pit of terror in me about when she is going t come after me next.

At great emotional cost I did the right things by my parents by calling them every day and going to visit so I didn’t have to feel the slightest bit guilty now, and I don’t.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
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