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What makes me sad...... :( #440645
12/27/18 06:32 AM
12/27/18 06:32 AM
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Orchid2 Offline OP
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There are many things that make us sad. It can change by person, time, place but some sadnesses hold on a lot longer.

I'm not talking about depression or other external effect on our lives. This is about a deep seated sadness of knowing, having then losing. It is a remembrance of events to hard to let go and too hard to keep welling in our souls. No matter how hard we may try to throw away, it doesn't go away. It is taken root in our character and souls to the point that burying it is unhealthy yet we can't completely put it out of our lives.

What do we do when we find ourselves in this situation? Drugs, alcohol, therapy, natural holistic remedies, exercise, exorcise, hide, sleep, denial, humor, long walks, talking, drawing, posting, praying, etc.?

For me, the moments that well come out and I have learned to listen to my body and let it come out. I have a heart to heart with myself and while I can't fix it all myself, I allow myself to mourn. So with this, I start this thread to see if it helps to share the various sad episodes that impacts our individual lives.

To start the one that hit me today which started me to think about creating this thread. It's a small sadness that started me thinking, so here I am. wink

My small sadness to share was the thought that I found myself missing how my then H and I used to work well together to help others. We each had different skills that complimented each other in that he was good at fixing things, giving good ideas in guiding folks how best to proceed on a project or need. and I was good at the logistics of what was decided. Preparation and getting help lined up was my contribution with follow through if the journey on a project was long and arduous.

It gave purpose in our lives and we took joy in seeing those in need become empowered to get find solutions t some of their problems with the goal of helping them become strong enough to help themselves. Sometimes the work was minimal, a bit of refocusing and education work many times. Other times it took a bit more effort.

What did work was to enable those who refused to help themselves. Those folks sucked a lot of time, money and energy from those who helped. It almost crushed me many a time.

Still I am sad that the once working partnership has been thrown away. He still helps folks but he is definitely less effective. His choice.

My decision is to still do what I can to help others and while I may not be as effective as I could be, it is the best I can do and I am ok with it.

Just reflecting.......please share as needed.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #440647
12/27/18 01:26 PM
12/27/18 01:26 PM
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catperson Offline
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I get it. My whole life seems like a sadness, a waste of everything I could have done differently, better. All I can do about it is try to be different today.

Why don't you join a group where you can be more effective?

Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #440649
12/27/18 02:50 PM
12/27/18 02:50 PM
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Thank you for starting this thread. I think it can allow all of us to assist in identifying the root(s) of our sadness and may help us dig out of the dunks that we all experience from time to time.

Orchid, you have a huge heart. Please continue to let that heart lead you to help those in need because as you have already proven, you have a ton to offer them. Thank you for all you do.

Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #440653
12/27/18 09:01 PM
12/27/18 09:01 PM
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My dear CP & Oblv,

Thanks for your posts and support. Helping each other out is fulfilling and often not only a one-way trek. I know you both and others spend your precious time helping others and that is important.

CP, I can't afford to join another group. My plate is full and has been for quite some time. Still learning to identify and separate myself from those who attempt to suck the life out of me has been very helpful. Life saving even. smile

I think what prompted me to start this thread is because I realize that when the goodness fades then the sadness tries to fill in that gap and this is where I am at now. How long is unknown but I expect it will be a while.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks (that goodness is gone - revelation). It happened while I was driving. So almost to tears and driving. Sigh.....not good timing. Then again neither are anxiety attacks.

It doesn't mean all things a person does is bad. I say even some of the most notorious folks had their moments of being nice. Still overall, if the goodness does leave their hearts and only some get to see that side of it, we shouldn't suppress that info or impact. It isn't healthy.

On this board, MB and other places I have seen folks try to suppress the truth for the sake of reasons that become inconsequential. This often causes greater hurt down the line and in some cases permanent damage. I know this first hand since I had to see my own mom make that choice. A choice I never agreed with but had to watch in horror. The reverberating impact to her and others was worse than the reasons why she made her choice to suppress her pain.

The goodness that once resided in my own father left his soul before he died. Those who falsely believed he had goodness in his soul here ignorant or in denial. Neither one is good quality to have on one's life.

I praise those who have made significant changes in their lives and able to move on from their former wayward ways. When BS' make life improvements and go on to have more positive attitudes and changes, it makes me happy. People can change but it is up to each one of us to make that decision for ourselves.

Good folks can go bad, bad folks can turn good and life goes on.......

See if we share what we are going through, others may find their experiences are not as unique or something to be ashamed of. Actually I'm at an age and personality where I'm not ashamed of what I do or how I feel. So I don't mind sharing. smile

jmo,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #440655
12/27/18 10:53 PM
12/27/18 10:53 PM
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You have arrived at the stage of acceptance, and you are grieving the loss of what you thought you had with your H. Truly look back and examine whether or not you were equal partners at helping others. Was it more of a 60/40, or a 70/30? I think you did the lion's share on the work and the helping, but it was probably a relief to have him help even 25% of the time.

How about volunteering to help kids read at your local elementary one afternoon each month? Or Habitat for Humanity? Do something that is rewarding and free.

Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #440656
12/27/18 11:44 PM
12/27/18 11:44 PM
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whatsupdoc? Offline
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Yup. 4th christmas - BD almost 5 years ago, now. I really don't remember what it was like having a partner. Not on the day to day basis.

Example; Looking at dealing with rotator cuff issues. There is no one, NADA, zip, zero - who can help me long term. Of course a lift here a day or two - but this CAN be a complicated strewn out recovery.... I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Sometimes, puttering along just fine and I hit an emotional brick wall. (Like today, waiting while getting x rays- zzzzzzz.) I just. can't. believe XH would do and act in the ways he behaved. WHY would he do such crappy things to me? To the kids? Christmas was/is still the worst. Old wedding anniversary and holidays. yuck.

It does me zero good to ponder if he even regrets his actions, but at times I feel the great loss I still do. I do know he is not ashamed. Well, a few years ago he was still indignant. Makes me incredulous that a parent who lost his children (for an affair/girlfriend) would act so victimized.

What, me worry?
My job, house and kids/family are all rockets. I am safe and comfortable. I have old, med new and new friends that I appreciate. People can't believe I have accomplished what I have. For the situation I was facing left with during the divorce, I hit a homer, with runners at first and third...
Will not complain....
but sometimes, I still grieve the loss of my former family.

I LIKE living in my past. I had a great, great, great life. I loved being a mom to littles. Even the bad times were still good.

I can't say that now. Wondering when it will all fit back together.

Last edited by whatsupdoc?; 12/27/18 11:59 PM.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #440657
12/28/18 12:20 AM
12/28/18 12:20 AM
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catperson Offline
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Goodness fading, filled by sadness...the only thing that reminds me of is a thing I have, like when I I get what I want, like a day at home alone, then I feel like I need to do something else, you know? But then when I go do that, it didn't 'fulfill' anything, and I'm left still feeling unhappy.

Is it anything like that? I'm working on that with my therapist; if I ever figure anything out with her I'll let you know.

Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: catperson] #440660
12/28/18 03:45 AM
12/28/18 03:45 AM
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Originally Posted by catperson
Goodness fading, filled by sadness...the only thing that reminds me of is a thing I have, like when I I get what I want, like a day at home alone, then I feel like I need to do something else, you know? But then when I go do that, it didn't 'fulfill' anything, and I'm left still feeling unhappy.

Is it anything like that? I'm working on that with my therapist; if I ever figure anything out with her I'll let you know.


Not quite. It's more like a realization that goodness is playing a more important roll in my boundaries and when that is not visible in some folks I have cared for and invested a lot of time, money, effort and energy, it hurts because there isn't much to show for all that effort.

I feel sad because basically its coming down to a waste of a good portion of my life. Yes, I can find some good memories and accomplishments but those things shouldn't get to be used as a filler for the goodness that was lost . That would be like taking from someone else's hard work and crediting the lazy person. I couldn't do that and am adverse to those who want to take the credit that belongs to others and steal it for themselves.

This is not about depression, this is not a phase. It is a place some of us find ourselves in because of what and who we have had in our lives. We should be able to recognize this is a piece of reality some of us deal with.

As for acceptance as Blair referred to has come and past. This is something different. I'm not interested in going back in time. It still doesn't change that in my case, my heart has it's moments of sadness due to acknowledging the loss of goodness.

This feeling now has a name that can describe how I have felt for a while.

What I'm not sure is if others are kind of stuck in the middle of a feeling that is real but can't be explained. It is unsettling to be in that position. The journey forward isn't always onward and upward. Sometimes we stop and try to get our balance again.

jmo,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #440662
12/28/18 04:50 AM
12/28/18 04:50 AM
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whatsupdoc? Offline
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Pema Chödrön-
Personally can not stand listening to her speak (she smacks her lips constantly), but I read her advice on grief a bit. Or used to.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #440665
12/28/18 12:36 PM
12/28/18 12:36 PM
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Orchid I get it, your Mom wasted years on someone who wanted to do her wrong, not good. So many experiences you wanted with her and with your son. Then your Dad passed, without resolution, without acknowledging he was sorry for how he treated your Mom. Grieving him, you see how many years you tried to do for others who can’t be helped. You want them to fight for themselves as hard as you have. But they let their struggles still get the best of them. They deserve the dignity to decide this.

So this is the next phase, after grieving your parents, and you want to make different decisions. To invest in folks who are investing in themselves too. MA has been a place like that, where folks are willing to do the work it takes to rebuild.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: NewEveryDay] #440670
12/28/18 08:40 PM
12/28/18 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Orchid I get it, your Mom wasted years on someone who wanted to do her wrong, not good. So many experiences you wanted with her and with your son. Then your Dad passed, without resolution, without acknowledging he was sorry for how he treated your Mom. Grieving him, you see how many years you tried to do for others who can’t be helped. You want them to fight for themselves as hard as you have. But they let their struggles still get the best of them. They deserve the dignity to decide this.

So this is the next phase, after grieving your parents, and you want to make different decisions. To invest in folks who are investing in themselves too. MA has been a place like that, where folks are willing to do the work it takes to rebuild.


Ned,
Perfectly recapped. I dub you to write all my posts. smile

Same for WSt as well, lots of wasted time on him. He is still alive and his ability to make his improvements are on him and him alone. That's ok. I still grieve for him asl well since his loss of goodness hurts my heart. He had such potential but his inability to maintain integrity contributed to all that has happened.

So to add to your great post, loss of integrity and goodness results in sadness. Anger and revenge are temporary relief measures that are often not healthy. Can be useful at times but not always.

I now focus on viewing things in a much more balanced view. For myself, my boundaries include valid integrity and goodness. They are measured to be sure since integrity in the wrong place or person can be misguided with grave consequences. Goodness is relative so basing both on a source that has an unchangeable stance (in my case proper understanding of Biblical principals, not to be confused with biblical opinions) requires I stay educated and informed of accurate knowledge.

The one thing that does do is keep me humble, for I know there is more I can learn even at this older age. To be pious that results in hypocritical attitude and actions is not acceptable to me. No one on this earth at this time is perfect. We would like to be but none of us are. So constant reminders to stay on track, balanced and focused as needed is important.

This doesn't mean all will be well. For now, all is tolerable. Looking forward to a time when all can be well is in the future for now. Coping skills become more valuable in these situations.

I have learned to know when to appreciate good advice, opinions and counsel. Also learned when to recognize bad advise, opinions and counsel. Working hard on honing those skills and helping others develop similar skills. It's about understanding principals vs laws but also knowing what laws need to be utilized as needed.

There is not one size fits all for every situation and we shouldn't get lazy about doing so. If we work with our personal boundaries, know and apply good principals, be law abiding to where it doesn't conflict with our trained consciences, then we can deal with almost every situation that pops up. Even the ones bent on hurting us the most.

For some, prayer is a vital part of that protection to keep us sane. Just make sure you are praying to one who can answer those prayers. It's like asking a parent, teacher, boss, judge or other person of authority for advice. If it is good advice and we disregard it, it's our fault. If is bad advice and we follow it, it is a combination of faults but still partially our fault and we must own up to it. The best scenario is to get good advice, understand and implement it. Owning our part of our decision.

Hope this makes sense. Posting helps me get it out there so I can solidify it for myself. smile

Mahalo,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #442384
04/29/19 11:29 PM
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Warning: A little vent here.

Learning through the ivy grapevine (aka: dysfunctional entangled in-laws), that FIL may be entering hospice.

WSt got one message that said FIL was in hospice. I checked with 2 BILs who said FIL was planning to go into hospice but not finalized yet.

FIL currently lives in a senior living complex and has COPD. FIL will be 85 this year.

So different stories from different siblings. Is this crazy? Yes but it is also the norm. The very thing I warned the family about over 15 years ago was basically ignored so much that who knows how his estate and even health decisions will be handled now that he may be entering hospice.

Sigh, it hurts my heart to watch but nothing more I can do because ignoring warnings create consequences and makes FIL and MIL vulnerable to the greedy members of the family (aka: siblings and possibly FIL's BIL).

Makes me sick. Still being far away from it all (they live in CA) helps keep me from it being dumped on my kitchen table like it used to be when we lived there.

The sad piece on my side is my son may be tasked with going back in case of a funeral. Thinking farther down the road. Son is the eldest son with the family name (for whatever that means in WSt's culture - in mine is means a lot but maybe not since my father decided to disregard his eldest daughter (me) and only grandchild (son) which is totally against our culture. Even more shameful.

Watching from a distance still has a negative impact. frown

Vent over....for now.


Orchid
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #442387
04/30/19 12:02 PM
04/30/19 12:02 PM
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What a sad situation. I hope that people surrounding your FIL are making decisions in his best interest.

I think hospice workers deserve medals of honor.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #442391
04/30/19 12:52 PM
04/30/19 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by whatsupdoc?
I think hospice workers deserve medals of honor.


Me too. The ones who cared for my Dad were angels.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Orchid2] #442400
04/30/19 04:02 PM
04/30/19 04:02 PM
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So sorry Orchid. It is tough to watch things unravel.

Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: SmilingWife] #442409
04/30/19 10:24 PM
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
So sorry Orchid. It is tough to watch things unravel.


Yes. And Hospice nurses are angels.

Re: What makes me sad...... :( [Re: Blair] #442411
04/30/19 11:35 PM
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Thank you all for your supportive posts and care. smile

Hospice nurses and their staff are definitely a blessing. I have dealt with them for my mom, aunties and grandmothers.

As for the family, the 2 BILs still speaking to me got taking care of FIL's case dumped on them by eldest SIL. WSt is trying to help and I hope he can work with his brothers to help finalize taking care of his dad.

So BILs and I brainstormed a bit so they are formulating a plan moving forward. FIL finally sees the light of why us pushing his paperwork to get done was do important. Those games he played pitting one against the other all those years is taking a toll. Seem his $$$ running out is showing the real intend of the greedy ones. It is sad to know those siblings are showing their true colors.

I have updated WSt and our son so they know what is going on. The 2 BILs are reasonable. One is a single dad and the one who lives the closest. Other BIL is in another state far away. The other siblings who are also close most have hidden agendas and for the most part not trustworthy. It's sad because it didn't have to turn out this way.

As you know my family is a state and an ocean away but the internet and phone keeps me current. wink

At least the senior home and hospice are in sync. smile

Your posts mean a lot. hug

Thanks again,
Orchid


Orchid

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