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Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #411580
06/29/16 09:21 PM
06/29/16 09:21 PM
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EarningIt Offline
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Ouch! WTF indeed. How are you both handling it?


Remember to hope.

Re: Family Life [Re: EarningIt] #411595
06/30/16 02:20 AM
06/30/16 02:20 AM
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Blair Offline
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That was totally creepy! And stalkerish! So sorry to hear that happened. What are you and J going to do?

Re: Family Life [Re: Blair] #411601
06/30/16 06:46 AM
06/30/16 06:46 AM
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Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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Oh, I forgot the best bit. He suggested that maybe we could all meet up for a drink!

J said "fair enough, except for the drink bit". No more has been said and it will stay forgotten about.


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #411609
06/30/16 12:55 PM
06/30/16 12:55 PM
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Posts: 10,042
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SmilingWife Offline
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That is so so strange.

Re: Family Life [Re: SmilingWife] #411634
06/30/16 03:45 PM
06/30/16 03:45 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Sounds to me like he is trying to stir the pot. It would be a pretty good move on his part....

If your H knows about OM then this brings it all up again. Maybe you'll start fighting or worse.

The new relationship implies that it is "safe". Your H could be made to look bad if he didn't see it that way.

Opens the door to rekindling if you've not gotten over it/him.

If things are good between you and hubby then no harm, no foul. However, if they weren't....


Of course, OM could be clueless and think that it's appropriate and possible for you all to be friends now. It happens. The OW told me that I was nicer to her than my H was or even her friends were. She wanted me and her to be friends and was a little upset that I said no. She actually asked me why not. When I told her, "because you [Bleep!] my husband" she quietly said, Oh that means that just me and you can't be friends? Yes, some people really are that clueless.

Re: Family Life [Re: LivingWell] #411682
07/01/16 10:54 AM
07/01/16 10:54 AM
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Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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It was kind of a shocked amusement on both our parts. I didn't think J would bother replying but he did. He let him know how happily married we were and didn't respond to the drink.

J and I and the other 3 people that know about this latest (2 of the others he has made contact with too) all laughed about it last night and suggested that maybe all 10 of us (with their partners) should go out for a meal together.

Amused incredulity is the mood here.

I have no doubt that this is stalkerish behaviour and that it is an attempt to rekindle some sort of friendship/relationship.

Really this is an example of just how long the affair can hang around, even after years, if it is not dealt with effectively. OM didn't have the support and tutoring and desire to go NC that I did.....and here he is, not moved on.

If anything I feel that this has just pushed J and I a little closer together again, as we realise how far our lives have moved on.


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #419260
02/06/17 08:22 PM
02/06/17 08:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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So, a very rare night in alone. In fact to be honest it's 8pm and I have about 10 mins left.

We're a good family unit here. We have a gorgeous teenager, who occasionally strops, has just got her braces but generally is a good kid. She went to band last night, couldn't play trombone with her brand new braces but helped the little 6 year old cornet player. She comes straight to my school on a tuesday and helps me to run my netball club. She has been picked for the academic pathway at school and is on netball, basketball and rugby teams. She will say herself that she is not a natural sports person (does rugby and football out of school too). I never nag her about homework.

S11 is a bit different. He is charming and he is a heart throb at school, he's on the netball team (have to have 3 boys in the team) and when I am covering classes in the upper year groups all I can hear is S11 this and S11 that. Girls deliberately making sure I can hear. He is a bit of a toad (fortunately not interested in girls) and is hard work to keep on the straight and narrow - a bright lad but loves to be with the in-crowd and doesn't challenge the bad behaviour of his mates. He just rang to ask if I could run the bath - covered in mud from tonight's touch rugby.

If the weather is against us and everyone is fit, we have 11 lots of sports kit to wash Saturday to Monday.

I'm still contracted to work 2 days and 2 half days but all term I have done a minimum of 4 days a week. Last week I taught for 3 whole days and today I taught a class so that a teacher could observe and work out her own behaviour management strategies. That was an interesting experience for me, being a teaching assistant, I've never taught a whole lesson in front of a teacher before.

J, just 2 weeks ago went to his last perpetrators meet, I guess it's been more years than I remember now and with different funding cuts or extension of service the group now meets about 20 miles away instead of 2. He's doing fabulously well at work (although government so still shinola pay) and we may be looking at a 2 year trip to the otherside of the world this year.

I'm still overweight. I run at least 2x a week when I am fit and have extended my distance and pace to consider myself a runner. I have also taken up lacrosse. Sometimes I join in with touch rugby on a monday too.

Both j and I take lustral - him 50mg and me 100mg - he is vile if he misses a dose - like the most irrational and unreasonable person in the world - just for that day. We just go out and he accepts that. On the very rare occasion that I miss, I just can't be bothered.

Life is good. Sex doesn't exist. We're happy.

Oh, and my amazing little cousin is now 6 and we are blessed that she drives us all potty. Last scan, last month, no evidence of disease. 4 years on.


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #419262
02/06/17 08:24 PM
02/06/17 08:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,377
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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Not quite here
No relationship is always sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #419263
02/06/17 08:27 PM
02/06/17 08:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,386
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Good enough IS good enough!! It really IS...

Nice update.. sounds lovely really


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Family Life [Re: Miranda] #419277
02/07/17 01:46 AM
02/07/17 01:46 AM
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Blair Offline
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Great update!

Re: Family Life [Re: Blair] #419278
02/07/17 02:04 AM
02/07/17 02:04 AM
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believer Offline
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Nice update, ST! I've been wondering about your little cousin, and so relieved to hear the news.

Family life sounds fine. That was always the most important to me and still is.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Family Life [Re: believer] #424919
06/21/17 05:11 PM
06/21/17 05:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,377
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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I hate the heat. Makes me so angry!

J is up north with the car. No a/c at school, none at home and I don't even have the car to cool down in and if I want to go and find a shop with a/c then I just have to walk back in the heat again.


Only positive is I haven't had to share the bed with anyone grin


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #424920
06/21/17 05:14 PM
06/21/17 05:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,386
midwest
Miranda Offline
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WHAT??

Why don't you have any a/c? That's just crazy talk right there...


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Family Life [Re: Miranda] #424921
06/21/17 05:28 PM
06/21/17 05:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,377
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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I can't imagine there are many folk in the UK with a/c


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #424922
06/21/17 05:32 PM
06/21/17 05:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,377
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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The only number I can see is 0.5% in 2008


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #424924
06/21/17 05:34 PM
06/21/17 05:34 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
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SmilingWife Offline
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I feel for you. We never has ac growing up. This in the southern US. Miserable.

Re: Family Life [Re: SmilingWife] #424925
06/21/17 05:35 PM
06/21/17 05:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,386
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Miranda  Offline
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oh, wait, I forgot that you were in the UK. Sorry... frown


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Family Life [Re: Miranda] #424944
06/21/17 10:33 PM
06/21/17 10:33 PM
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believer Offline
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Oh, sorry to hear that, ST.

We're having a heat wave here, too, and I don't have AC. Luckily the past 2 days were foggy and cool because we're on the ocean.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Family Life [Re: believer] #424945
06/21/17 11:13 PM
06/21/17 11:13 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,749
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Orchid2 Offline
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HI
For those without AC. Fan and spray bottle. Helps a bit.

I'm old and require air blowing on me almost constantly, especially for my feet. LOL!!!!!

Only AC I have right now is in my car. In the house and workplaces, I use fans. Some of my offices have AC and use them as needed.

Sigh.....wonder how they did it way back when........

Re: Family Life [Re: Orchid2] #424949
06/22/17 05:35 AM
06/22/17 05:35 AM
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Ace Offline
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Hi ST,

I typed a message to you and others as a PM but lost it when I hit submit. Will try email.

Thanks for posting. You mentioned possibly going to the "other side of the world" in a prior post. Might you be able to make a stop in FL in mid-November 2017, 2018 or even 2019? Sure would be fun to meet you.

Hugz,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Family Life [Re: Ace] #424990
06/22/17 09:40 PM
06/22/17 09:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,377
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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Orchid,one fo my colleagues bought a little fan attached to a spray bottle from smiggle. Quite cool!

Oh Ace, it sounds so lovely, my sis is trying to persuade me to visit Cali this summer/autumn with them, but we so need to get to Australia in the next 18months.

Temperature has dropped about 10c today. So I am altogether happier.

J has been up north for a week. His dad had a 4 hour knee replacement op on Wednesday - very high risk because of his susceptibility to sepsis, but bloods are good, xray very good. So lets hope he is ok once the antibiotics stop pumping through.

The other great news is that thye are thinking of selling up and moving into sheltered accommodation....as an only child, living 4 hours away, this is a fabulous relief.


Keeping all things crossed that tomorrow he gets home safely and quickly so that I can go and visit my dear godmother.

She has been very unwell for about 18months, diagnosed celiac about a year ago. Still things not right.

Last Sat she was diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer. She went home on Sunday and had a heart attack on monday. She is now home again, so hoping she is still well enough for me to take mum to see her tomorrow.

[Bleep!].

They also fostered 2 children that were older and came with their own dificulties, but are still very much their children. The daughter has many children with different fathers and the son has never really grown up - always out to try to prove himself better.

Her new hubby (20 years??) is such a sweet kind hearted man. When Pat has so much trauma in her family, I just want to go and tell her how special she is to me and what a wonderful role model she is, for her dignity and strength in dealing with all that has been thrown at her and because she has taught me, through the love she shows her family how important it is to love and not judge.

So unfair, that she ahs so little time to get her affairs in order and to have that anxiety to deal with too.


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #433625
03/11/18 03:22 PM
03/11/18 03:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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I thought I was last here a lot longer ago than that.

I just looked back - dday was over 9 years ago now. J and I are happy. For years I didn't think the reconciliation was worth it and that I should have just cut my losses, but now I see it was the right decision. For years if anyone else was thinking of working with their partner I would have said that its not worth it. My concern always having been the impact on the children.

I now have one 12 year old and one nearly 15 year old. Both of them hardworking with plenty of friends. DD has her first boyfriend, but they seem to have a real sensible balance - the only see each other a couple of times a week for an hour or 2 and she still seems way more connected to her girl friends than him. She takes her English GCSE this year (a year earlier than the norm, because her school like to take some pressure off next year). She is well into her sports and should come away with a a set of GCSE results that will get her in anywhere for A levels/ college.

DS, now at secondary school , is a great student. His form tutor thinks of him as head boy material (a good few years for things to change!!!). He got half colours for academic attaninment and rugby at Christmas and also won the class ethos prize.

Maybe slightly too soon to comment....I know they both have some teenage years to go, but right now, I'm hopeful that they'll make it through.

Although based on local events recently, anything could happen.


J is now facilittating a perpetrators of abuse course - I think he actually counts as a voluntary member of staff. Amazing! And it becomes clearer to him, the more he deals with his mum, just how awful it must have been growing up with her and how different childhood should be.

You know faith has been something of an odd thing for me over the years but I am so much more at peace. I feel that I am a lot less in control of my destiny and that things definitely happen for a reason, but at the same time so believe that I choose how to deal with it. It isn't just that shinola happens.....shinola happens and then you get chance to use it and turn it around put it to good use....I guess much like the manure on the allotment.

I've left education. Needed some head space. I still loved it and my heart breaks a little when I think of my colleagues still fighting the system and working with the system and fighting themselves to do a good job at educating our children. But I'll go back when I have had a rest and make a difference again. When I finished I was teaching French 2 days a week and science half a day plus my teaching assistant role. I'm now doing twice the contracted hour for 4x the pay! My new job description lists: make tea and coffee, straighten newspapers. Insane! THe world is a topsy turvy place, when those that are working largely for the past earn so much more than those working for the future.

I need change. Every 5 years something big needs to happen. 10 years ago the affair, 5 years ago new house, this year a new job. So in a couple of years I'll start thinging about the next major change. Plan it again.


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #433627
03/11/18 04:00 PM
03/11/18 04:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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catperson Offline
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What a wonderful update. Thank you. Needed it. smile

Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #433631
03/11/18 06:52 PM
03/11/18 06:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,749
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Orchid2 Offline
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HI
ST good to hear from you and great update.

Your recap helps us see the journey plus the qualities we grow into as we move forward. I'm very happy for you and your family. Your patience through all of this is paying off and that makes me proud of you. smile

We need positive stories to assure us life can go on with grace and dignity we all need to give and receive.

Take care,
Orchid


Orchid
Re: Family Life [Re: Squeaky Tree] #433632
03/11/18 07:48 PM
03/11/18 07:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,377
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline OP
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Hi Cat and Orchid

Cat, how's things? Can I read about you somewhere?

And Orchid, just after I typed I read your thread down the bottom and some of the comments shouted out to me. I notice a change in me. Life can be short and it's easy to live in the moment - we can allow our trauma to define us and J could have given up on me and I could have given up on him.

But we actually had at least this many years ahead of us and actually that time and pain wasn't for nothing.

How are things in your part of the world?


Married 20 years (this year) ~10y since dday(?)
DD14 DS12
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
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