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Re: Which way is up? [Re: Don Man Don] #41758
12/29/10 07:41 PM
12/29/10 07:41 PM
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believer Offline
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I agree that the Mrs shouldn't be allowed to starve.

Since my divorce I've been on a very tight budget, but I do have an extra case of Top Ramen. That's what I'm eating until the 1st.
Dave, PM me your address and I'll mail it to you.

Re: Which way is up? [Re: Don Man Don] #41759
12/29/10 07:41 PM
12/29/10 07:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
DangerDave Offline OP
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DangerDave  Offline OP
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Hi Don,

Thanks for stopping by really! You're right on several things here, and no #11 is just me rambling or venting. As for my early post(s) I do take ownership of the problems I put forth in the marriage and have told her so, upon further reflection though I am only part of the problem, not the whole, I don't hold resentment to her, but I know now that it is a two way street.

As for the financial aspects, it's the only thing I can do, I cannot afford to go this alone - I am broke and I do want my kids to stay in school and have a car and live a great life, but dad is tapped out - so what do I do? Getting w to pay for her part of this so called life is what's going to happen either now or later and the kids need it now imo.

Again I've made sustainable changes here Don and will never go back. When my Dr explained how depression and addiction worked together, I was amazed, I had no idea one could be totally reliant on the other. I started AD meds about 7 months ago, went to SAA and have had ZERO episodes or fall-backs into any of that behavior, it doesn't even cross my mind - it is truly unbelievable. Am I cured, no of course not, it is under my control now, most certainly.

So Don what's the course of action from your perspective? You did admonish those that had no plan for solving my relationship problems, and I really don't see one here from you yet?

Look forward to it really,

DD


Me 49
H 46
M 23yrs
T 25 yrs
Bomb Drop 4/2010
S22/D19/D15/S13
DFiled 10/2010 Served 11/2010
Same roof, different beds

"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #41832
12/29/10 09:45 PM
12/29/10 09:45 PM
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My offer still stands. Just need your address.

Re: Which way is up? [Re: believer] #41874
12/29/10 10:33 PM
12/29/10 10:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
DangerDave Offline OP
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DangerDave  Offline OP
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Thanks Believer, but that stuff is pretty bad for you! Would really like to see Don's action plan, everyone is welcome here as far as I am concerned.

I understand what he's saying and I want to agree, but statements are not what I'm looking for - it's advice with explanation - thanks to you, Greek, Time, Shocked and all - it's all I have to go on as what I thought was right was not!

Thanks

DD


Me 49
H 46
M 23yrs
T 25 yrs
Bomb Drop 4/2010
S22/D19/D15/S13
DFiled 10/2010 Served 11/2010
Same roof, different beds

"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #41879
12/29/10 10:41 PM
12/29/10 10:41 PM
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Yep, probably very bad.

My point is that divorce causes both spouses to have a lower living standard. I didn't choose to be divorced, but am dealing with the aftermath.

Like you, I have expenses; 2 sons in college, a business, a home. Towards the end of the month, things get tight.

Just didn't want your wife to starve.

Re: Which way is up? [Re: believer] #41909
12/29/10 11:30 PM
12/29/10 11:30 PM
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ShockedOne Offline
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You're welcome DD. I don't know how much good advice I have offered people on these boards, but I know that people helped me along and I just want to do the same for others. Pay it forward.

Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #41942
12/30/10 12:42 AM
12/30/10 12:42 AM
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ItGetsBetter Offline
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I don't see where Dave is starving his wife? The list looks reasonable to me.

Re: Which way is up? [Re: ItGetsBetter] #42020
12/30/10 03:43 AM
12/30/10 03:43 AM
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Don Man Don Offline
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It is not what will work in this situation it is WHAT DID WORK.

She let you go. She set you free. She started socially interacting with the opposite sex.
And it's WHAT WOKE YOU UP.

As much as people would like to call it manipulation, game playing, or infidelity and argue that dating doesn't belong in a marriage, its obvious how successful it was in this situation.

After years of not being emotional available to her, she finds a friend and what does he do?
180s, GALs, busting his a## to fix himself and the house, I read he rubbed her feet. Reading John Gray, talking to therapists, working on bettering his relationship with his children and the most important thing becomes saving his marriage and keeping his family intact.

She DB'd you like a PRO. It works. Don't kid yourself.




What would I do if I were you Dave? Go back and re-read CHAPTER 4: It Takes One to Tango: Change Your Marriage by Changing Yourself and the chapter about Keeping the Changes Going.


Re: Which way is up? [Re: Don Man Don] #42032
12/30/10 04:14 AM
12/30/10 04:14 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,978
star*fish Offline
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star*fish  Offline
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DMD,

Dating while married is infidelity. You are welcome to discuss dating as a marriage saving strategy in the TD where controversial subjects are appropriate. Further advice on the main board will be transferred there. Thanks.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Which way is up? [Re: star*fish] #42346
12/30/10 06:41 PM
12/30/10 06:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
DangerDave Offline OP
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Hi Don,

I have often thought my W was DB'ing better than I in a lot of ways, but her goal from the outset was to divorce, and has not wavered as far as I know at all. The DB is to prevent D as far as I know, the letting go, freedom is all part of the rebuilding, but I only see and feel her wanting the friendly D to those ends, regardless off fallout of the family.

I will re-read chapter four and the changes, and I think you would refer to myself being "mean", well maybe I do need to learn how to defend myself and family without being that mean guy but have the same net results and consequences to my W. It's a fine line as to what's perceived as mean opposed to what has to be done to protect myself. Any insight you have on how to go about some of things that must be done fighting for you family and self while being D'd would be welcome.

BTW I did not read "dating" into your post really as a strategy, just was reflection of what has transpired.

Thanks again,

DD

Last edited by DangerDave; 12/30/10 06:42 PM.

Me 49
H 46
M 23yrs
T 25 yrs
Bomb Drop 4/2010
S22/D19/D15/S13
DFiled 10/2010 Served 11/2010
Same roof, different beds

"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #42349
12/30/10 06:49 PM
12/30/10 06:49 PM
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believer Offline
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So Dave, did you feed her?

Re: Which way is up? [Re: believer] #42362
12/30/10 07:02 PM
12/30/10 07:02 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
DangerDave Offline OP
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DangerDave  Offline OP
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Posts: 55
W not home last night, will be tonight and yes I will make dinner for everyone - jeeze, I'm not an ogre!


Me 49
H 46
M 23yrs
T 25 yrs
Bomb Drop 4/2010
S22/D19/D15/S13
DFiled 10/2010 Served 11/2010
Same roof, different beds

"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #42367
12/30/10 07:09 PM
12/30/10 07:09 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
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LOL, just checking. I want you to be able to save your marriage and you can't do that if the Mrs doesn't have any food.

I think you are doing a GREAT JOB.

Re: Which way is up? [Re: believer] #42369
12/30/10 07:12 PM
12/30/10 07:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 411
Greek Offline
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Yeah ... feed your W, Dave. Don't be mean.
Greek


Man made problems have man made solutions.
Re: Which way is up? [Re: Greek] #42389
12/30/10 07:54 PM
12/30/10 07:54 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
WI
Danf Offline
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WI
Is it sarcastic Thursday today? Don't feed her. Let her feed herself?


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: Which way is up? [Re: Danf] #42391
12/30/10 07:57 PM
12/30/10 07:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 411
Greek Offline
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Greek  Offline
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Tharcastic Thursday...I have a lisp.
Greek


Man made problems have man made solutions.
Re: Which way is up? [Re: Greek] #42475
12/30/10 10:19 PM
12/30/10 10:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
DangerDave Offline OP
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DangerDave  Offline OP
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Posts: 55
Therapeutic Thursday - I need a break! I like the lisp! Starting a daily journal now about what goes on here with w and the kids, what I do with them, meals, expenses etc - everything. Never know when it may come in handy -

DD


Me 49
H 46
M 23yrs
T 25 yrs
Bomb Drop 4/2010
S22/D19/D15/S13
DFiled 10/2010 Served 11/2010
Same roof, different beds

"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #44760
01/04/11 07:03 PM
01/04/11 07:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
DangerDave Offline OP
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DangerDave  Offline OP
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Well Happy New Year everyone!

Just dropping by to say hello and hope everyone is looking forward to a good 2011! We can all make this year what we want for ourselves, just have to do it!

The latest here:

W says she's going to her mom's to try to figure out how to pay her bills, truck, D19 tuition, truck registration, her cell phone, her gym and her credit card. W calls and says she cannot pay her truck lease payment, wants to know if I would lend her the money until she gets paid. Told her it's expensive to live and I asked why doesn't she put in one her credit cards, she won't do that or borrow money from her friends – will not do that either. Told then why should I, if she wasn't willing go into debt on her own behalf why should I support that as well? Also asked her about the monthly bills, she said she would look at that later, her lawyer did not tell her she didn't have to pay that, but to wait? Not sure what that meant. She again said she wants a better life for herself and if it ruined mine she was sorry – whatever.

She also got po'd when I told her that I had opened other credit accounts of my own that are after our separation date, ie mine only. Went on again to say I was being so mean about all of this, won't talk to her about it, just giving her the facts at a moments notice, well that's what lawyers are for I told her. It started to degrade into an argument and she didn't want to go into the blame thing etc. I guess she doesn't realize that she's the one who goes off, I make provide the catalyst but not fire.

The whole sorry if I ruin your life to make her's better really really gets under my skin, because it's not just my life it affects!

Onward ho!

DD


Me 49
H 46
M 23yrs
T 25 yrs
Bomb Drop 4/2010
S22/D19/D15/S13
DFiled 10/2010 Served 11/2010
Same roof, different beds

"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #44785
01/04/11 07:42 PM
01/04/11 07:42 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
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Good job. Don't give in. Let her get a good taste of what her "better life" without you will be like.

You may turn this around yet...........

Re: Which way is up? [Re: believer] #44815
01/04/11 08:36 PM
01/04/11 08:36 PM
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Posts: 1,181
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ShockedOne Offline
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Good responses.

Re: Which way is up? [Re: ShockedOne] #45628
01/05/11 11:45 PM
01/05/11 11:45 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 55
DangerDave Offline OP
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DangerDave  Offline OP
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Hey all,

Well upon reflection a bit here, I took the high road and fronted W the money for the lease this month, she will pay it back later this month. Now before the 2 x 4's come out swinging, I keep hearing the mean aspect of myself from her in my actions about the D, and want to carefully balance the action of detachment, resolve and caring for lack of a better term.

Don Man does have some valid points I believe that should be worked into my action plans. My view on this incident with the truck was that I put forth the issue - not meanly but matter of fact like, pushed w hard into accepting the fact of her action and she did a taste of no more mr. nice guy ie mean, and then agreed to help her out in the end with conditions of her repaying the debt.

This seems sorta right but also sorta passive aggressive or should I say aggressive passive?

Anyway looking for thoughts, comments and concerns here to go forward with, it's going to start coming fairly regularly and want to keep a consistent action going forward!

Thanks

DD


Me 49
H 46
M 23yrs
T 25 yrs
Bomb Drop 4/2010
S22/D19/D15/S13
DFiled 10/2010 Served 11/2010
Same roof, different beds

"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #45679
01/06/11 01:51 AM
01/06/11 01:51 AM
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I think you should have stuck to your plans.

We'll see, but you know what they always say, "no good deed goes unpunished".

If she can't feed herself and have the truck money on 20 hours a week, how is she going to pay you back and feed herself and have truck money for next month?

Or will you be divorced by then?

Re: Which way is up? [Re: DangerDave] #45699
01/06/11 02:41 AM
01/06/11 02:41 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
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pookie69 Offline
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Originally Posted By: DangerDave
My view on this incident with the truck was that I put forth the issue - not meanly but matter of fact like, pushed w hard into accepting the fact of her action and she did a taste of no more mr. nice guy ie mean, and then agreed to help her out in the end with conditions of her repaying the debt.


You loaned her the cake.

Do you know what it looks like when it comes out the other end?



"A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Re: Which way is up? [Re: pookie69] #45734
01/06/11 03:52 AM
01/06/11 03:52 AM
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Posts: 1,133
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Belle96 Offline
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Now there is a visual !


Me: 37
H: 39
DD: 3
Married 14 yrs
Dated: 5
Bomb 7/10
H's EA turned PA turned EA again.

Currently taking back control of my life.

When the pain of where you are becomes more than the fear of where you are going change will occur.
Re: Which way is up? [Re: Belle96] #45768
01/06/11 05:18 AM
01/06/11 05:18 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,347
catperson Offline
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*sigh*

She sure knows how to work you.

That's all I have to say.

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