Have you read the guides on this site? A Betrayed Spouse's Guide
There are so many great books:
"Torn Asunder" Dave Carder
"His Needs, Her Needs" William Harley
"Boundaries in Marriage" Cloud & Townsend
"The Verbally Abusive Marriage" Evans
When I formed my plan, it was after research...and it wasn't a "if he does that, I'll try this, then that, then this other thing" sort of plan. It really was setting into place my personal boundaries and changing myself and my choices.
The link I provided takes you to the fifth chapter. But in the column to the right of the screen there are links to all of them.