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Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: Blair] #419280
02/07/17 02:43 AM
02/07/17 02:43 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
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LovingAnyway  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
Have you read the guides on this site? A Betrayed Spouse's Guide

There are so many great books:
"Torn Asunder" Dave Carder
"His Needs, Her Needs" William Harley
"Boundaries in Marriage" Cloud & Townsend
"The Verbally Abusive Marriage" Evans

When I formed my plan, it was after research...and it wasn't a "if he does that, I'll try this, then that, then this other thing" sort of plan. It really was setting into place my personal boundaries and changing myself and my choices.

The link I provided takes you to the fifth chapter. But in the column to the right of the screen there are links to all of them.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: LovingAnyway] #419303
02/07/17 05:42 PM
02/07/17 05:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
I
IsItOverYet Offline OP
New Member
IsItOverYet  Offline OP
New Member
I
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
Thank you Loving,
I just say my IC today. I brought up the idea of exposure.. he was not a fan and I think I am in agreement. He is a fan of setting up boundaries. So I plan on writing a list now and having a talk with my H in a public place about it. I will look over your link now. I really do appreciate your follow up.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419308
02/07/17 06:26 PM
02/07/17 06:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,738
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
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Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,738
HI
Exposure has to be for the right reason (to protect and provide support for the BS and family).

A WS will never want exposure but component should not guide your decision making.

RE: A raging WS can also do harm to others outside the family and that makes exposure take on the protection mode for others as well.

For example, sometimes a WS tries to get others to 'enable the A' via borrowing $$$ or other needs. Exposure helps others know when to say no and why.

Most persons don't want to do exposure and that leaves others vulnerable.

Boundaries are good and when you properly do both (for the right reasons, not to be vengeful), it can serve as a stronger protection for you and your family.

Expect blow back. Mine claimed I was 'ruining his world'. I told him he did that by himself and that exposure was so he wouldn't hurt others like he had hurt his family and protect us (his family) from further hurt. He wailed that he couldn't move back home as a result (our neighbors knew and he made a scene with 4 Sheriff Deputies in front of our home (which got him arrested). So I agreed with him.

He eventually moved back. So don't fall for all your WS' threats. Some may come true and your boundaries will help you work through them. Others are just hot air and he owns that whining.

Have you read the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend?
Hint: Your list of boundaries works better if it is a short but concise one.

jmo,
Orchid

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: Orchid2] #419310
02/07/17 06:35 PM
02/07/17 06:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,980
holdingontoit Offline
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holdingontoit  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,980
Remember, boundaries are where you want to draw the lines and what you will do when they are crossed. They are not about what your H will or won't do. He gets to choose what he will do. You get to choose how you will react. So you don't really "talk" with him about your boundaries. You inform him of where they are and what you will do when they are crossed. He will test you. He will cross them just to see if you are steadfast and dedicated to imposing the consequences. Note: you are not doing the consequences TO him. You are doing them FOR yourself. If you fail to impose the consequences, you aren't doing him a favor. You are cheating yourself. In that case, he will know you are not strong enough to defend yourself and he will feel free to continue to A, and assume you will be waiting for him. So pick boundaries carefully. You only want to pick ones you are confident you will defend if (when) he crosses them.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: holdingontoit] #419684
02/22/17 03:24 PM
02/22/17 03:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
star*fish Offline
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star*fish  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
isitoveryet,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Please post an update when you have time.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
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