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New, scared - and doing everything wrong! #419121
02/03/17 11:21 PM
02/03/17 11:21 PM
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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Hi all, new and scared here. My (sorry so long) story so similar to many: I first got the "I'm not 100% happy and there is nothing you can do about it" followed by the ILYBN sure if ILY line in August 2016. He also started to have ED issues at this time. I immediately thought midlife crisis - and if you believe in them - he was 100% the cliché. And at first, I completely believed in the MLC, that the A is a symptom of the MLC - but now I worry that the MLC is a symptom of the A. Thoughts?

The ED issues initially let me put my guard about him having an affair – but discovered in December that the A was real and started back in August. He was mean for those 4 months with a dash on nice until I discovered the A in December. Then for the most part he was/is just nice, affectionate but still carrying on with MOW. We started going to counselling in September (I think) of course H was lying the whole time about being faithful - he would say he was depressed, needed space, wanted to be 20 years old again. He blamed me for most everything - including the ED issues. If he could just get some space...which led me to agree to him moving out - again before realizing he was having an A. We agreed to him moving out in January but he go the apartment in December and started working on getting it "set up". We had plan to tell our kids 6 and 8 - that we still loved each other but Dad would move to his own place - again all before knowing the full truth.

So as of the new year he has moved into his bachelor pad about 25 minutes from us - 10 or less from her. His excuse is that it is the half way point between work and our house. He has been with MOW since August and now gets to see her whenever she can get away from her family (2 young kids herself). Her H knows of the affair (I told my H that if they didn't tell him, I would - so she told him a few days after I found out) but the MOW and her H are still living in the same house. Her H cheated on her - so part of this is payback possibly on her part. Her H wanted a divorce before knowing of her A, but did a 180 once finding out about her A and now he wants to make their marriage work. She is “confused”.
Her H and I are in contact without our spouses knowing (sometimes a blessing sometimes not so much). She went to being nice to him during the A to being hateful once she told him the truth - the opposite of my H.

But even after knowing the truth I have done so much wrong and am fearful I will continue to make bad decisions. I think him going from mean to nice was such a welcome change. He is 100% a cake eater and I have been such an enabler. Looked it up - Hysterical bonding – I’ve done it. This was right after finding out. But with the new year and knowing he would soon move out of our house - because that had been the plan since November, I decided - no more. I took off my wedding ring and all was under control for about 3 weeks. I was trying to do the 180. But by the 3rd week, I put my wedding ring back on because I felt it was the right thing to do - I'm not single and shouldn't sell myself as such. He didn't notice for about a week but he noticed this weekend. And mentioned he was happy to see it back on.

Since the truth came out of the A, my H is always wanting to hug me - He tells me when he is depressed - heavy hearted - blah, blah blah...and I know I should not be the ear or the body for him but I still do it. I will tell him this is no longer my responsibility - go to his MOW...that I don't want the kids and me to be his fill in for when she isn't available and for the last couple of weeks the worst I did was let him hug me - most of the time not hugging him back.

Like so many others I lost a ton of weight (from size 14 to a 6) and he has noticed. He is constantly telling me how attracted to me he is and such. But over this weekend we got more and more physical each night. He had the kids this weekend but because their lives are where I live he hangs around the house too much. Hangs around me too much. Anyway, our set up is that he comes by 2 days during the school week to have dinner/family time and put the kids to sleep and every other weekend. I believe having not seeing the MOW for 4 days (an every other week situation) he was just sexually ready to blow (no pun intended) and maybe it had been longer - the MOW husband was out of town so she had to single parent - maybe making it harder for their normal get togethers.

I know I will get raked over the coals for all I have done wrong thus far and I guess I am putting it out there to get support for the future to stay stronger. Yesterday, I got out of the house for him to put the kids to bed - what I know can be the witching hour of him wanting to get physical (and I guess in all honesty, me too - I hit 40 and am rip roaring sexually - even before this all happened). I keep telling my self - this is all so new, that I am going to make mistakes. I have been in limbo in every aspect of this - I'm not 100% sure what I want. I think I am finding that I do want to fight for my marriage/husband though some days I am not so sure.

I keep on looking for happy endings on the internet but they seem so far and few between. I don't know if I should even bother at times. I know he is not mentally healthy and now I questions how mentally healthy I am….something I would have never questioned 6 months ago. Would love to hear any good stories of couples finding each other again. Anyone else dealt or dealing with hysterical bonding? Thoughts on the legitimacy of MLC?
Thanks all.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419124
02/03/17 11:56 PM
02/03/17 11:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
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LovingAnyway Offline
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Welcome, IsIt...

Could you tell us how long you've been together and married?

I'm a good story...but we didn't find each other again. We were always there, where we left us. Affairs happened at the 15-year mark and now we've been together 30 years. Many folks on MA have fully recovered.

It doesn't sound like you have a plan. Seems like you've researched MLC and now, you're trying to figure out infidelity. Including hysterical bonding--yes, I had experienced that. Figured out it came from enmeshment--not knowing where I ended and he began, for both of us. Sex was a deep urge to reclaim parts of myself that I thought were in him. Of course, not real. Reasonable and understandable, though. Enmeshment ends marriages...but inter-dependency saves them. I promise.

One thing you might implement right away is using condoms, if you don't already.

Are you game for forming a plan, reading some books and articles to educate yourself on infidelity? I found those two things to be the most anchoring, anti-insanity generating things to do--studying for knowledge, planning for stability.

Choices you made I love--being in touch with the other betrayed spouse and knowing that right now WH (wayward husband) is mentally ill. Those are two facts to hang onto, 'k?

And reality is the cure.

Only you can choose to commit to saving your marriage or not. Can't be based on what you feel now or later. It's a mental choice you make from what you decide is your highest priority. Once you make the decision, hold yourself to it--not guided by your feelings.

Feelings cause affairs. In reality, they are a result of our beliefs, perspective and perception. We choose all three of those. Pulling yourself out of the vortex of spiraling emotions is both a relief and a cure for uncertainty.

You can do this, if you choose. I highly recommend the journey, no matter what. You get knowledge from it and become someone you are thrilled to be.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419128
02/04/17 01:40 AM
02/04/17 01:40 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
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Quote:
He also started to have ED issues at this time. I immediately thought midlife crisis - and if you believe in them - he was 100% the cliché. And at first, I completely believed in the MLC, that the A is a symptom of the MLC - but now I worry that the MLC is a symptom of the A. Thoughts?


Chicken or egg? I don't think it's particularly relevant. Is this behavior that you agreed to in the marriage? Is it behavior that you are willing to live with?


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: LovingAnyway] #419133
02/04/17 03:19 AM
02/04/17 03:19 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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Hi Loving Anyway - Thank you so much for your reply...
Funny - we have been married 14 years. You just about nailed it.

Our history goes back an additional 14 years. And it may be worth noting (maybe, maybe not?) that this may be a pattern for him. We dated when we were young and at 21 he broke up with me; 4 months later eloped in secret with a girl he barley knew. 2 months after that they had their formal wedding - his entire family was begging him not to go threw with it, no one liked her - but they didn't know he was already married to her. He knew by the formal wedding that they hated each other. We didn't speak for 4 years - going no contact is pretty easy when you don't have kids, a home together and 14 years of what I thought was a pretty great marriage. Anyway - he would say this is why he wants to be 21 years old now... he went straight from h.s. to the military to marriage #1 followed by marriage #2. He was 100% the pursuer in our second dating and marriage. I told him he should enjoy being single - but he knew he wanted me - and one thing I can say about my H - if he makes his mind up that he is going to accomplish something - he won't stop trying until he is dead.

Of course each of those decisions he had a gun to his head wink - so now he wants to have fun. Motorcycle, passion, sex, fun, be told how hot he is (he wants to hear it from me - needs to be told how pretty he is all the time - which I find crazy) He too has lost a ton of weight - not that I ever thought he needed to but he does look great...but he will admit that he is still depressed.

Yes, no plan - I was trying to follow the 180 from the Divorce Remedy. I am game for forming a plan and reading recommend books.

So this may be a silly question - you mention condoms and I understand why - but are you suggesting that having sex with him is likely to continue even if I try to quit him (for lack of a better term) Is this something I'm not going to be able to control for a while? I read where one women did it until one day she hated him and then stopped.

We are in such a weird place now... take out the fact that he isn't living in my home and is having an affair - we are getting along scary well. Not that I have not had moments of going bat shinola crazy on him - mostly because I don't want him to mistake my not falling apart or me being nice/polite to him as I'm ok with any of this.

Anyway thank you so much for taking the time to write me LA...really do appreciate it and so happy to hear you are a good story. Hope to hear more from you in the future and hear more of your story.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #419134
02/04/17 03:27 AM
02/04/17 03:27 AM
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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Hi AR,
I guess for me if I can totally believe in the idea of MLC - I can view it as a mental disease. A mental disease I can say - well, in sickness and in healthy - I should try to save my marriage. But if he is just an a--hole who will always be a cheating piece of #$%^ then I should probably cut my losses and run. This is something I struggle with daily. The MC we were seeing doesn't believe in MLC and for a short time H was seeing his on IC - who also didn't believe in MLC. That has been a bit of a draw back for me... But no, not cool with the behavior nor did I agree to it...realize that was likely a rhetorical question - but just in case.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419135
02/04/17 03:43 AM
02/04/17 03:43 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,395
right here waiting Offline
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IsItOverYet...I'm afraid it isn't anywhere near over yet. You can probably measure the devastation you feel and know in your gut that recovering from such a betrayal cannot come quickly.

That said, it IS possible to recover. My H and I did it, but it took a long time (a few years... and progress on that started only after he ended his affair). Also took a lot of re-arranging how we both operated.

Hold that thought, that there IS hope for your marriage. But know, too, that your recovery clock can't start running until he gives up the OW. From what you've said, he's in full-tilt affair mode, so that isn't likely to happen any time soon. Your goal must be to do everything you can to bust it up. Collectively, we've got some ideas on that. You have already executed the first step--letting OW's betrayed husband know what's going on. (Was he already aware? Does he want to save his own marriage?)

Who else have you exposed the affair to?
Who should know about it? Anyone who A) supports your marriage, and B) would hold him to account. Consider that, for openers. But DO NOT TELL HIM you are going to tell these people. Just do it. Affair-riddled brains will do everything they can to protect their fix, and that includes pre-empting you and telling those people a story that doesn't even resemble the truth. They will make the betrayed spouse the reason the marriage is a mess, make her out to be crazy, or both. Keep your affair-fighting tactics to yourself.

I know it is practically impossible to stop dwelling on him, his MLC (or whatever it was that allowed him to give himself permission to cheat) and how awful you feel. But it really is more beneficial to turn your focus onto yourself. Taking good care, physically, mentally, emotionally. First things first; other things once that's been handled. The trauma of infidelity is real. Drastic, rapid weight loss is one dead-giveaway symptom. Sleeplessness is another. Anxiety, depression...check and check. See your doctor for any of these things, . level with him/her. Ask for STD tests. Some would say, don't sleep with your WH, but having experienced hysterical bonding, I know the drive to reclaim what you've lost. Interestingly, it seemed to affect my husband equally...but we had drifted far apart after 37 years of marriage and I think, deep down, he wanted to reconnect too. Caveat: It can also encourage a wayward to cake-eat, so your mileage may vary on that.

There's more, but we'll get to it.

Sorry you're in the club none of us wanted to join, but glad you've found us.
You're in good company.


Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: right here waiting] #419140
02/04/17 04:23 AM
02/04/17 04:23 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,332
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Welcome to Marriage Advocates. I'm so sorry that you have a difficult reason to be here, but there is lots of supportive people here ready to help.

The first thing you need to to is take care of yourself - eat right, exercise, try to sleep, stay hydrated, and form a support group in real life that can help you. You need to have a full panel of STD/STI testing as soon as possible.

The next steps will come, but it is important to realize that you can't make your H want to stay in your marriage. He needs to stop seeing the OW if there is any hope for recovery. Take care of yourself while you formulate the next steps of your plan.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: right here waiting] #419144
02/04/17 01:14 PM
02/04/17 01:14 PM
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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Hi Right Here and thank you for responding..

No, MOW H didn't know about the affair until 5 days after I found out - that being said I had been suspicious of her and my H from the beginning. Her H was not though - From what I can gather from both him and my H, I think he was wanting to divorce her because of his past (or possibly at the time current - not sure) affair. He was already sleeping in a different room in there house before the A. But once he found out he did a full 180 and wants to save his marriage.

My fear of breaking up the A is my H told me he was afraid if it wasn't her he'd be on tender finding a different women every night. I'm afraid if they break up - he will just replace her.

I have told both his mother, his step-mother and his favorite cousin (which means probably almost his whole family knows by now) mostly because they asked me. But it wasn't in the idea of them trying to shame him into ending it...As far as I know none of them have said anything to him directly about it - they may ask how things are going but they don't say "What the %^&* are you thinking"... They just pity and feel bad for me...that they are praying for me. He tells everyone that we are having problems. Which drives me crazy...no, we aren't having problems you are #$%^&*@ someone that isn't me - you are having problems. He isn't terribly close to his family. He does however care about what his grandparents would think of him - at least he would have in the past. Everyone close to me on my side is aware of it - and almost all think I should kick him to the curb. I read the article Exposure 101 where you should tell everyone about the affair - her parents, friends and such not sure if I have that in me....especially putting in writing on Facebook...writing on this fourm is killing me - the idea that your words can come back and bite me is painful to think about. I get the concept but hope that isn't what is going to be suggested. The MOW H and I did talk about it once. I sent him the article. One interesting fact...the MOW completely got off of FB once Her H and I found out. The idea of me reaching out to her gets my H upset...which makes me wonder if I should do it. But I feel like everything I read says this is a bad idea. But unlike telling the entire world about their A - the idea of talking to her is something I would consider doing - if I thought it could be helpful. Both her H and my H tell me what a great person she is...minus the obvious... can't tell you how fantastic it is to hear it from both of them, just lovely. But I think - if she is so wonderful, maybe she can be reasoned with? She has to understand how horrible what they are doing is...she lived threw it already, right?

I get the idea of taking care of myself - my biggest issue is I work by myself - spend a lot of time in my house. When I am out of my funk - I want to find a new job/career - but right now I can barely function at times. Pandora is my best friend - music and dancing makes me happy, so I have been doing a lot of dancing in my house. I am trying to pick up more hobbies and trying to be around people. I do play a sport that gets me out of the house a good bit but want to find more to do. Open to suggestions.

Is Hysterical bonding ever not about cake eating?

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: Blair] #419145
02/04/17 01:15 PM
02/04/17 01:15 PM
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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Thanks Blair.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419147
02/04/17 01:39 PM
02/04/17 01:39 PM
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IIOY: You are getting good advice. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Do what you can to make the affair less attractive to your H (targeted exposure, remove your support from him so he cannot cake eat). Be patient (really hard to do) and do not expect any progress from your H until not only is the A over but your H gets through withdrawal from the A.

That is often the most galling part. Yes, he dumps the OW but instead of being thrilled to be back with you, he is mourning the end of the affair. That is typical and to be expected. Very hurtful to the betrayed spouse. But you really won't know whether he is willing to work on recovering your marriage until he gets over the worst of the withdrawal pangs.

Well, you might find out earlier that he is not ever going to be marriage material. If it were me, and the A ended, and he went on a bender of trying to pick up lots more OW, then I would decide he wasn't marriage material. But in the end, that decision is up to you.

This is not easy. For people whose initial reaction is not "I am dumping his sorry butt tomorrow", the process tends to take a good long while for the BS to work through. We are here to provide advice and support. Use it. And see if you can't find some trusted friends in real life you can share with. Some people want to hide their spouse's A because they are ashamed to have anyone know. But sharing helps you figure out who your true friends are. And right now you need some true friends.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: holdingontoit] #419152
02/04/17 03:48 PM
02/04/17 03:48 PM
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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Is the only way to expose? Has anyone had success any other way?

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419153
02/04/17 03:49 PM
02/04/17 03:49 PM
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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The MOW H is on board with me exposing but I think he wants to keep his hands clean. But he is willing to give me all the info I need to confront her side.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419156
02/04/17 04:06 PM
02/04/17 04:06 PM
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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Is it best to do it when they can't be with each other? They are in different states at the moment but only until Monday. Not sure if there is a best case scenario with this and afraid I won't be ready for it if and when it arises.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419157
02/04/17 04:15 PM
02/04/17 04:15 PM
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Get the info from OW's H. Regardless of what happens, you'll need the info.

Prepare and plan well for the exposure step. Don't say anything about it until you are ready to start. Once started, I would advise you not to stop until you hit your main targets.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419201
02/05/17 05:05 PM
02/05/17 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted By: IsItOverYet
My fear of breaking up the A is my H told me he was afraid if it wasn't her he'd be on tender finding a different women every night. I'm afraid if they break up - he will just replace her.

^^^This^^^ means one of two things: a)he is trying to manipulate you into fearing that what he would do if you "force" him to give up this affair would be worse than what you're upset about now, so just accept the current affair as the best you can hope for, or b) he really isn't marriage material.

Quote:
I have told both his mother, his step-mother and his favorite cousin (which means probably almost his whole family knows by now) mostly because they asked me. But it wasn't in the idea of them trying to shame him into ending it...

Exposure is never supposed to be a vindictive move to shame the wayward partner! It is meant to rally the people who care about him, you, your marriage & family to let him know they don't support the affair and want to see him do the right thing. Inform relatives and dear friends--NOT everyone he and OW know on Facebook! We do not recommend "nuclear" exposure. All that does is create gossip and public shaming. Not your goal. Ideally, the people closest to him will make clear that OW will never be welcome in their homes, but in truth and unfortunately, most people will not take that firm a stand...don't want to "get involved" to that degree...want to avoid anything suggesting confrontation. Unless, maybe, they've been the betrayed in their own marriage--they're likelier to speak up.

Quote:
He isn't terribly close to his family. He does however care about what his grandparents would think of him - at least he would have in the past.

Then who better to know about the horrible mistake he's making?

Quote:
One interesting fact...the MOW completely got off of FB once Her H and I found out. The idea of me reaching out to her gets my H upset...which makes me wonder if I should do it. But I feel like everything I read says this is a bad idea.

It is a TERRIBLE idea! Have no contact with that woman! She can NOT be reasoned with, any more than your husband can. She is just as adamant as he is about continuing the affair, and will hurt you any way she can. Understand: You are her enemy...you have what SHE wants. Make no mistake, this is war.


Quote:
Is Hysterical bonding ever not about cake eating?

Good question. For some people, I imagine it is.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: right here waiting] #419203
02/05/17 06:07 PM
02/05/17 06:07 PM
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IsItOverYet Offline OP
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Hi RHW, Thanks for responding.

Quote:
^^^This^^^ means one of two things: a)he is trying to manipulate you into fearing that what he would do if you "force" him to give up this affair would be worse than what you're upset about now, so just accept the current affair as the best you can hope for, or b) he really isn't marriage material.


I have wondered about choice A...I hope choice A, but who knows. Obviously right now he isn't marriage material. I think it could be "A" because I have mentioned reaching out to her in the past - again mortifies him...he says "I would be really upset if you did".


Quote:
Exposure is never supposed to be a vindictive move to shame the wayward partner! It is meant to rally the people who care about him, you, your marriage & family to let him know they don't support the affair and want to see him do the right thing. Inform relatives and dear friends--NOT everyone he and OW know on Facebook! We do not recommend "nuclear" exposure. All that does is create gossip and public shaming. Not your goal. Ideally, the people closest to him will make clear that OW will never be welcome in their homes, but in truth and unfortunately, most people will not take that firm a stand...don't want to "get involved" to that degree...want to avoid anything suggesting confrontation. Unless, maybe, they've been the betrayed in their own marriage--they're likelier to speak up.


When I told my mother in law she said "I'll never have the [Bleep!] in my house" - to me, not to My H. Again as far as I know my H doesn't know any of these people know about the A...just that we are "having problems" and that he has moved out. If I do do the exposure - do i have a chat with her and tell her she should let H know how she feels?

Quote:
Then who better to know about the horrible mistake he's making?


Yes, if I go that route I will contact them...they are up there in years so not sure if they will be able to wrap their heads around the situation or have the energy to help..

Quote:
It is a TERRIBLE idea! Have no contact with that woman! She can NOT be reasoned with, any more than your husband can. She is just as adamant as he is about continuing the affair, and will hurt you any way she can. Understand: You are her enemy...you have what SHE wants. Make no mistake, this is war.


I hear you but I think she would be mortified if I contacted her. I think she really wants her own H back, she just doesn't know how to go about doing it and has know dug this huge whole she can't get out of....I could be wrong - but she is so angry at her H. On paper she appears quite the catch....She is a super high earner, is a big wig at her job, in great shape and super cultured - minus the lack of morals (obviously a huge character flaw). I don't think she wants to be the OW - I don't think she wants my H for the long term. From what my H tells me she was ok with her H having an affair but the fact he wanted to leave her is why she is so angry...I just want to be able to point out to her that my H has moved out of my home so he can be with her...surly she has to see how screwed up that is?
But yes, I know I shouldn't contact her - but doesn't mean I don't long to do it....

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419204
02/05/17 06:17 PM
02/05/17 06:17 PM
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I have been talking to the MOW H last night and today. He is ok with the idea of exposure but wonders 1. if we are too late and 2. if we are too early.

If we did it right when we found out they would not be so wrapped up in each other so "in love". He is afraid exposure may push them even more together.

He thinks we should wait until they are past the peak of their "in love" stage.

Of course from his guy point of view - he thinks my H cake eating and signs of jealousy over me is a positive thing.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419206
02/05/17 06:22 PM
02/05/17 06:22 PM
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Cake-eating is never a good thing. It puts you in a position of doing the "pick me" dance, which you can never win.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419207
02/05/17 06:25 PM
02/05/17 06:25 PM
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What you should be discussing is the reason for exposure. Each of you have to do their own exposure and make sure you explain the reason (i.e. request for assistance, fear of abuse, fear of reprisal, etc.).

What you should rely on each other for is just information. Maybe in the future, send it via a trusted 3rd party, that would keep you both at a safer distance.

RE: You never know how much scheming has been going on. The OW's H could be making it sound like his WS is having a revenge A. That may be possible or she may be an aggressive OW. What does she have to gain from having an A with your WS?

jmo,
Orchid

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419211
02/05/17 07:03 PM
02/05/17 07:03 PM
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right here waiting Offline
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Quote:
I have wondered about choice A...I hope choice A, but who knows. Obviously right now he isn't marriage material. I think it could be "A" because I have mentioned reaching out to her in the past - again mortifies him...he says "I would be really upset if you did".


Must be tempting to "reach out to OW" simply because he would be mortified and "very upset," but I assure you the odds are very high that YOU would end up being more upset than he would be. Affair partners are a closed society...anyone who tries to mess with their little utopia will provoke their joint wrath.

I offer my own experience: after I confronted my H about his affair, it occurred to me that if I hadn't known about her, she might not have known about me. So I called her (got her # from H's cell phone records). Indeed she didn't know about me--my H had told her we were divorced. (Yeah, that hurt.) I'd caught her off guard, and she stumbled over herself apologizing. But after she had it out with my H, I guess he was able to lie his way out of it somehow, and she got very ugly with me--siccing her friend the cop on me for "harassment" (What?!) and sending unpleasant stuff to my home to upset me.

So, no, I don't recommend trying to be "reasonable" with your H's little honey.

Quote:
I told my mother in law she said "I'll never have the [Bleep!] in my house" - to me, not to My H. Again as far as I know my H doesn't know any of these people know about the A...just that we are "having problems" and that he has moved out. If I do do the exposure - do i have a chat with her and tell her she should let H know how she feels?


You'll have to assess this for yourself. Blood often runs thicker than water. See how your MIL is antagonistic toward OW, but apparently made no mention of being angry or disappointed with her son? Depending on your relationship with her, you might feel her out: "Would you try to talk to him, MIL?"

Have you considered telling your H that his family knows and does not approve? Then refuse any details about who, exactly, knows and what they said about it. Let him squirm.
See, your goal now is to make the affair less attractive, and more uncomfortable for him. That ought to be a good start. wink

Quote:
Yes, if I go that route I will contact them...they are up there in years so not sure if they will be able to wrap their heads around the situation or have the energy to help..

Of course, you have to use your judgment about his elderly grandparents. If they are of sound mind, and not in ill health, they may not be as fragile as you might think.

Has your H got siblings who might weigh in on the side of your marriage and your family? How about that 21-year-old son?

Quote:
I hear you but I think she would be mortified if I contacted her. I think she really wants her own H back, she just doesn't know how to go about doing it and has know dug this huge whole she can't get out of....I could be wrong - but she is so angry at her H. On paper she appears quite the catch....She is a super high earner, is a big wig at her job, in great shape and super cultured - minus the lack of morals (obviously a huge character flaw). I don't think she wants to be the OW - I don't think she wants my H for the long term. From what my H tells me she was ok with her H having an affair but the fact he wanted to leave her is why she is so angry...I just want to be able to point out to her that my H has moved out of my home so he can be with her...surly she has to see how screwed up that is?
But yes, I know I shouldn't contact her - but doesn't mean I don't long to do it....


You have no need to consider OW's motivations or her marital issues--you have far less influence on her than you do with your husband, and right now that's about zero, so give her marital dynamic no further thought. It is your husband you need to reject the affair. HE made vows to you; this other woman owes you nothing, and cares even less about your feelings and your marriage than your husband does at the moment. Try to put her out of your head. She is merely a distraction from your plan to save your marriage.

Speaking of your "plan," do you have one? We can help you with specific, purposeful things you can do...

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: right here waiting] #419216
02/05/17 10:04 PM
02/05/17 10:04 PM
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Quote:
Speaking of your "plan," do you have one? We can help you with specific, purposeful things you can do....


No, no real plan. My kids are my biggest concern. Afraid of rocking the boat in fear he could decide to not spend time with them anymore. Another problem is we set up a routine that he comes over twice a during the school week - I have been cooking one of those days and he has cooked the other or gone out to dinner -- If I was to try to go no contact (which I don't know if I could do) would this have to stop? Problem is we sold the kids a bill of goods one item being that we would still do stuff as a family (of course this is before I realized how beneficial it is to him).

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419219
02/05/17 11:34 PM
02/05/17 11:34 PM
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You might want to revisit your strategy if that is enabling the A. Let your children know as well and come up with a plan for a with your children that works for the family vs the family/WS.

jmo,
Orchid

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: Orchid2] #419236
02/06/17 02:39 PM
02/06/17 02:39 PM
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Oy! I am going to try and see our MC by myself this week. See if he has any input. I haven't seen him in about a month - I don't think he'd be into me telling the kids but the last we spoke I wasn't sure whether I wanted to try and save my marriage. Is there a plan somewhere already on this website?
If I was to buy 1 book what would you guys recommend?
Thanks!

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419237
02/06/17 02:41 PM
02/06/17 02:41 PM
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H texted me after the Superbowl last night - with a best friend type text...I ignored it. Felt like an empowering thing to do..I assume it is the right thing to do.

Re: New, scared - and doing everything wrong! [Re: IsItOverYet] #419276
02/07/17 01:32 AM
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You are right to ignore the friends-type pretending communication.

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