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Infidelity #419098
02/03/17 05:01 PM
02/03/17 05:01 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
S
Shi1973 Offline OP
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Shi1973  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
Hi.21 years of marriage. 43 year old Indian lady. This was not the so called arranged marriage but we fell in love. I gave up studying for MBA to get married . He had suffered mediastinal track lymphoma when he was 16. I still went through marriage knowing he might suffer aftereffects because I loved him. Living with my in laws and sis in law was trying but I did somehow manage to pass 3 years. Jhe fell ill with pericardial effusion 4th yyear into marriage. We then after a year cconceived my son. He's now 17. I gave up work to be a stay at home mom. Constant fights and arguments with in laws and sis in law who's just a year younger and unmarried then created tension between us.ssis in law got married 2 years after son was born.he travelled abroad extensively.I felt alone and our physical relations dwindled. I suffered post partum depression and high hypo thyroid. Since hubby wasn't with me physically and emotionally I felt lost and alone. Took overdose of my thyroid pills. Got it pumped out. Life went on. Heard he was linked to someone. But I let it go. He's always been a ladies man. There was a new couple added to our group.of 6 friends. After a few years I heard stories about them being linked. But I had no proof. Stupid me. The couple got seperated and is now divorced. He fell ill again few years later with cardio myopathy due to radiation. Physical life was nil now. I was only 35. I helped him come out of depression took care of his parents and gave my son the strength and understanding needed. She would come home ever day for a couple hours to see him. I thought friends help so didn't read much into it. Time passed by. He got better. I started work part time.
One day I walked in to hear him talking to her. He dEnid it saying it was my sis in law because her and my sis in law share the same nickname.
Confronted my sis in law and she said it was her he was speaking to at 12.30 in the night.
Trusted again. Foolish me. My gut feeling didnt still let me rest.
I now have proof since October. What's app text chat and have voice recordings. They talk every single day. Exchange pictures. He lusts her. She seems to be dangling him around nt really giving in to physical relations. But she loves the hold she has on him and his attention.
I've been hit by him a couple times. Calledthe choicest of names...and...people all around me and my son hear it. I haven't said her name out loud but he knows that I know. He still denies.
I'm going crazy over how to deal with thi's.
He wants me out but I'm not moving put.
I'm financially dependent. My son is going to Uni soon.
He says he knows about my online escapade.
But he says he has proof. I have proof too now.
I'm going insame.
I work on automaton. I get no hugs kisses.or respect.from him. We barely talk.
My son is our buffer. Thankfully im tryING to get along with my mom in law.
My fathein law is aware of all.this. I've free him into hearing the recording.
He says huby is stubborn and doesn't listen to him.
Or anybody.
I'm at my wits end. Tolerance is now dwindling. Emotional and verbal abuse is getting worse.
I feel so lost confused unloved unwanted.
:((
How do I tackle.this?
frown

Re: Infidelity [Re: Shi1973] #419109
02/03/17 07:26 PM
02/03/17 07:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,392
right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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Shi, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It isn't easy for anyone, but living with your in-laws (who, apparently, have no influence--or aren't bothered by his behavior) while taking verbal and emotional abuse makes it harder.

And he has actually hit you as well. Why do I think the authorities there would be no help...

So you have relatives nearby (apart from your in-laws)? Anyone you can talk to where you are?

I truly don't know what financial options you may have, but I know someone here who is far more knowledgeable than most of us about Indian life and culture. I'm going to ask her to check out your situation.

Hang in there--so sorry you needed to find us. We'll do our best to help.

Re: Infidelity [Re: right here waiting] #419123
02/03/17 11:37 PM
02/03/17 11:37 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
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LovingAnyway Offline
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Hi, Shi...

Thank you for posting. You sound like a studious person--would be up for checking out a few books (from the library)?

"Torn Asunder" Dave Carder
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" Patricia Evans
"Boundaries in Marriage" Cloud and Townsend

Over a decade ago, I was in your shoes. It was actually a comfort and an anchor to educate myself on infidelity and how marriage works.

You feel insane right now. I remember. You're not. That's verifiable. Ground yourself in knowledge, awareness and know that many people recover from infidelity.

First, stop chasing insanity. Stop focusing on your WH (wayward husband) admitting he's having an affair. You know he is--you don't need him to admit it. Stop asking for him to see, know, understand, change--because that's just spitting in the wind, 'k?

Center yourself--like triage. Look to your wounds first and stop the bleeding before you attack saving your marriage. You have had 21 years of an intimate/non-intimate marriage chock full of pain from a thousand injuries. It's reasonable to feel what you're feeling right now. Doesn't mean it's forever, 'k?

Your father-in-law can keep the OW (other woman) out of his home. Ask him for his help in saving your marriage. He has the authority, even if he is also financially dependent.

Read the books, keep posting--know that you aren't alone. Hug and praise yourself for tackling this...that's you. You're a fighter, too.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Infidelity [Re: LovingAnyway] #419125
02/04/17 01:21 AM
02/04/17 01:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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Hi Shi,

I think the first step you need to take is to secure your evidence in such a way that it cannot be taken from you or compromised. Taking any other step first is taking a risk that you cannot afford to take.

Store multiple copies on the cloud, email accounts, etc - all over.

Please tell me a bit about your support structure: friends, family, etc.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Infidelity [Re: AntigoneRisen] #419139
02/04/17 04:19 AM
02/04/17 04:19 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,320
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Blair Offline
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Blair  Offline
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Welcome to Marriage Advocates. I'm so sorry that you have a difficult reason to be here, but there is lots of supportive people here ready to help.

Secure your evidence first. You have evidence to protect you. Make sure there is multiple copies in places he won't find the evidence and destroy it.

Then, take care of yourself - eat right, exercise, try to sleep, stay hydrated, and form a support group in real life that can help you.

Re: Infidelity [Re: Blair] #419285
02/07/17 09:11 AM
02/07/17 09:11 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
S
Shi1973 Offline OP
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Shi1973  Offline OP
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India
Hello again
Thank you so much to all of you who have responded to my post.Even though I'm new here I feel safe and secure. The tips that I have received have helped me to guide myself better.

Re: Infidelity [Re: Shi1973] #419337
02/08/17 12:52 PM
02/08/17 12:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,320
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Blair Offline
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Blair  Offline
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Posts: 4,320
How are you doing?

Re: Infidelity [Re: Blair] #419373
02/09/17 10:35 AM
02/09/17 10:35 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
S
Shi1973 Offline OP
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Shi1973  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2017
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India
Hi Blair. Ty for asking. It's a very trying time for me. Emotionally as well as mentally. I need someone to pep talk me because I feel lost. It was my birthday on the 6th and he wished me by just shaking my hand. How did we come to be this distant?it hurts.I'm trying to cope the best way I can.looking for some part time work to keep myself occupied. Trying to take care of my health. Trying to eat better and sleep better.

Re: Infidelity [Re: AntigoneRisen] #419374
02/09/17 10:45 AM
02/09/17 10:45 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
S
Shi1973 Offline OP
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Shi1973  Offline OP
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Posts: 8
India
Hi
I have all the evidences stored in a safe place. Emails and printouts. Voice recordings have been sent to my Dad on his email and mine.
About the support structure, my side of the family is really small. One elder brother who is living abroad married with two kids. Elderly parents live in the same city as mine. A couple of close friends. That's about it. We have common friends because I married young and moved with his circle.of friends. Plus thus OW is in the same circle as I mentioned.
It kills me to see her at functions and gathering's both formal and informal. Everything comes back to me. It drives me crazy.
How do u push back all that you know and act like you don't. How can I not show any reaction? Of late I have stopped greeting her. My friends may have noticed but haven't mentioned anything yet.
I don't know how to deal with this.

Re: Infidelity [Re: LovingAnyway] #419375
02/09/17 10:57 AM
02/09/17 10:57 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
S
Shi1973 Offline OP
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Shi1973  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
Hi
I have made a note of the names of the books recommended by you.
My father in law (FIL) has already told.me he can't do much to help me. I can't go to my mother in law (MIL) because of our past history and her biased love for WH. Like you have suggested, I should stop expecting, asking, feeling anything from/by him. I somehow can't do it. Sometimes I can and at other times it just all comes rolling out even though I know I'm just inviting more fights and arguments heartache and pain for me.
At times I feel like I can ride this wave and then there are times I feel like I'm sinking. 😢

Re: Infidelity [Re: Shi1973] #419376
02/09/17 01:47 PM
02/09/17 01:47 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,370
whatsupdoc? Offline
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whatsupdoc?  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,370
Hello. I am sorry that you are in this position.

I gather that there are a lot of cultural norms and expectations that we may not be familiar with our used to.
You absolutely need support with a counselor who understands the cultural implications for you.

Figure out a way to have confidential communications. Document.
Immediately seek out legal rights. I have a fear that you may be in a position where infidelity may mean nothing in your situation- but I have really no idea. Legally prepare yourself for ALL outcomes.

Secondly, seek (online if you do not want to go to a traditional office) a counselor and doctor who understands your particular culture. I know there are online support systems. I can not encourage you enough to find someone you can communicate with that understands your position.

You sound very depressed, that is very normal. There are many AD's that can help you. Even if you have been on AD's before or are currently being treated, please tell your medical doctor about the new stressors going on for you in your marriage. This will affect how medication will work for you.

You need a doctor, counselor and friends ON THE OUTSIDE of your small friends circle that are willing to help you. At this point, we can support you with your distress, but you have to take the steps necessary to get your health and healing going forward.

WuD?


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Infidelity [Re: whatsupdoc?] #419388
02/09/17 04:45 PM
02/09/17 04:45 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 2
D
Deepblue Offline
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Deepblue  Offline
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I hope this doesn't come across wrong, and I certainly mean no offence ... but:

Putting aside whatever cultural norms or environment you or your spouse may have been raised in, please address the issue of him hitting you as a priority. You do NOT allow yourself to be put in situations where he feels he can just hit you without consequences. All forms of abuse are obviously bad, but physical violence has to be stopped at once.

I'm sure better equipped people will chip in with sound advice on other aspects of your sitch. I've been away from forums like MA for too long, just came back visiting yesterday; can't even remember when or what I last posted smile

But that line about him hitting you caught my attention and I felt I had to say something.

Re: Infidelity [Re: whatsupdoc?] #419437
02/11/17 03:48 AM
02/11/17 03:48 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
S
Shi1973 Offline OP
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Shi1973  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
Hello WuD
Thanks for responding. Any little support I can get helps me a lot.I do understand the need for a counsellor but I shall be meeting with a lawyer to undrstand my rights and also to find out if getting counselled should not have an adverse effect in my case. If and when I decide to move out or separate they might use this against me. I don't know if counselling cab weaken my case but I want to be sure.

I also looked up *adultery* on the Internet. Plenty clauses and different situations. Also bribe work's here. Money is power.but whatever that I gathered on the net helped me understand that my case may not be very strong if I can't prove physical intimacy. I have no pictures or audio proof of that. Once my lawyer suggests I might record more of evidence. For now I have stopped recording only because it kills me to hear it all.

I have been trying to connect with someone online. It's difficult to find the *alone* time. Also I am financially dependent.

I am depressed. I have my up and down moods. I'm trying my best to behave normal for my son who shall be flying out of the nest in a few months for Uni.I've never had AD. I shall take this into consideration and consult my doctor.

Friends ON THE OUTSIDE are very few and far between. I have just 2 to be exact with whom I can interact and be sure that I shall get some support.

I am well aware that this situation might affect my health drastically. I have been practising yoga and some slight exercises. Proper food intake and sleep is something I need to work on.

Meeting with the lawyer will make things so much more clearer for me.

Can't wait for life to be normal again.

Thanks WuD

Re: Infidelity [Re: Deepblue] #419438
02/11/17 04:03 AM
02/11/17 04:03 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
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Shi1973 Offline OP
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Shi1973  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
Hello Deep blue
No offence taken at all.And welcome back to MA. I have told him very clearly that I won't take any sort of physical abuse from him. That's one line he cannot and should not cross. I also have an audio recording where he is talking with her on the phone and has been boasting about how he threw the tube of ointment right into my face. I am definately not going to take this lying down.And he knows that.

To me even the verbal and emotional abuse is quite taxing. Always being told I'm not a good mother,wife,daughter in law, brainless,good for nothing etc and some choicest name calling affects me and my confidence. Being told I'm living off hi's money and that it's his house and I should just walk away is so very demeaning after 21 years of marriage.
For some reason he instigates me so I walk out on my own rather than him kicking me out. But I'm not about to do that yet until I know my rights and find myself gathered and collected enough to do so. Until then I'm collecting proof, meeting with the lawyer and "living off his money".

I am a well travelled and we'll educated woman and he knows that I might just reverse the situation and put him in his place.
I am strong and think with my head when I have my *up* day.

But when I'm down is the time I need all the support so I don't break down.

Thank you so much for helping me here.

Re: Infidelity [Re: Shi1973] #419654
02/21/17 03:53 AM
02/21/17 03:53 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
S
Shi1973 Offline OP
New Member
Shi1973  Offline OP
New Member
S
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8
India
Hello
I'm still struggling.coming to terms with what has happened.it doesn't help that I have to see her socially since we are in the same circle of frinds.she knows that I know now and that I'm sure.he tell's her all.she gives him inside info on our girl talk.he talks shinola about me to her. I'm trying to oversee all this. I need to stop monitoring their online statu's becasee that bothers me. I have to stop being bothered and stop being impulsive. How do I do that? How can I stop this. Like.I mentioned earlier I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions. Up one second down the next. And it's when I'm down I can't stop myself from checking and retaliating.
Any tips on how I can overcome this?

Re: Infidelity [Re: Shi1973] #419656
02/21/17 12:05 PM
02/21/17 12:05 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,652
HI
O
Orchid2 Online
Ambassador
Orchid2  Online
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,652
HI
Just because you are in a circle of friends, doesn't mean you have to accommodate any OW.

Have you exposed to anyone in that circle?

Re: Infidelity [Re: Shi1973] #419678
02/21/17 11:48 PM
02/21/17 11:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,392
right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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Posts: 7,392
Shi, it's typical to be incredibly anxious, hyper vigilant, when dealing with this stuff. It's traumatic. Truly, it is. I was a total bundle of nerves. I saw my doc, leveled with him about what I was going through, and he wrote two prescriptions: one for an antidepressant and another for an anti-anxiety med.

I was horrified--I've never been a pill popper. However, I trusted him and took them both. Found the anti-depressant absolutely useless, but the anti-anxiety one helped me keep my racing thoughts and upside-down emotions under control (even after I cut them in half because the lowest dose of the stuff put me to sleep for 12 hours straight).

See your doc and see what s/he advises.


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