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Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: catperson] #417876
01/03/17 03:13 PM
01/03/17 03:13 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Yes Cat that is what we are here for. Sometimes just typing it out releases some of the fear.

It will be ok. You guys are going in the right direction.

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: SmilingWife] #417884
01/03/17 04:30 PM
01/03/17 04:30 PM
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SFB Offline
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Cat:

I love speeding tickets. I must, because I get so many...

If it has been a looonggg time since your last ticket, show up on the trial date and ask the Judge for probation before judgement. The judge will look at your driving record and let you walk for just court fees.

I always go to court. Over the years, I have not had the officer show up, the officer lost his copy of the ticket, the judge let me off, etc. I have been a good boy about all this for the last 5-6 years, but I was a lot worse when I was younger.

As for your IRS notice.... I can help with that. wink

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: SFB] #417887
01/03/17 06:10 PM
01/03/17 06:10 PM
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believer Offline
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Trust, SFB. His advice got the IRS off my back permanently, and I didn't have to pay $20,000.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: believer] #417912
01/04/17 04:59 AM
01/04/17 04:59 AM
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Blair Offline
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I agree with SFB on the speeding tickets. I've never had one stay on my record for those very reasons! smile

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Blair] #418005
01/06/17 02:10 AM
01/06/17 02:10 AM
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catperson Offline OP
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I finally got the nerve to look at the IRS letter again, and it looks like they just got all our stuff mixed up because the stuff they said we didn't claim, we did (we had done a bunch of adjustments for the past 3 years, so they must not have combined them in our records). So I sent it to our CPA and he said he'd give them a call. Phew!

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: catperson] #418008
01/06/17 02:24 AM
01/06/17 02:24 AM
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Blair Offline
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That's good news! One less thing to worry about.

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Blair] #418038
01/06/17 03:48 PM
01/06/17 03:48 PM
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I'm glad you looked over the letter again. The IRS tried to get us last year for not claiming a bonus that my wife received. Wife confirmed that it was included on her W-2. We sent the rebuttal with documentation (thank goodness we save all of our receipts and tax information).

They held it over our head for over 6 months after we sent it in. So frustrating. I hope your CPA works his/her magic.

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Oblivious2678] #418783
01/25/17 01:05 AM
01/25/17 01:05 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,449
catperson Offline OP
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Ok, so I'm being selfish here. But now that I know LovingAnyway is alive and well, I sure could use some of her amazing wisdom and attention.

It's like my mom is suddenly not dead anymore and I can go to her for advice. smile

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: catperson] #418786
01/25/17 03:12 AM
01/25/17 03:12 AM
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Orchid2 Online
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Originally Posted By: catperson
Ok, so I'm being selfish here. But now that I know LovingAnyway is alive and well, I sure could use some of her amazing wisdom and attention.

It's like my mom is suddenly not dead anymore and I can go to her for advice. smile


So I've been mulling over your post......and I get the gist of what you mean but it sounds....... well, glad that LA is back posting......she's possesses a real sense of balance to MA. smile

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Orchid2] #418808
01/25/17 02:12 PM
01/25/17 02:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
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LA does have that amazing effect. I'll never forget how she impacted my life either. What a treasure she is.

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Oblivious2678] #418814
01/25/17 05:23 PM
01/25/17 05:23 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
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Hey, Cat...

My heart swelled when I read your post at how you felt that I got back to MA. I miss my mom like that, too. And Orchid is why I'm back. Well, that's a half-lie because I think I needed to be here again for my marriage and myself, too.

I'm with Oblivious on the IRS, had the same thing happen and the rebuttal doc took care of it, too.

I've been attempting to catch up on your six-year thread. Began at the beginning to refresh and then jumped to last year. I'm so proud of you for all these years of posting. I admire you for it.

Congrats on the new job. I'm a little confused on the finances part--seems like after you got it, I didn't see where your DH got fixed up with your brother's plan? Also, I don't understand the split finances for all of your marriage? If you could break that down for an old fart like me, I'd appreciate it. Include the high taxes explanation--DH self-employed or something?

Couple of other things--the blame game. You've struggled with this your whole life. So has your DH. It's a commonality in your marriage that works until it doesn't. Same with speaking out. You have struggled with speaking your stuff to DH and he has struggled with speaking to others. Remember that you both are in the same fight for speaking out. And you both have made progress.

I know you're already past this, from last year, over the market venture, but gently remind yourself to not DJ DH in your mind. When you were upset, you added pain and anger by telling yourself why he did all that work with you on gutting and redoing the space.

He did the work. Period. Stop there. You went into it together, you worked so hard together. It was really tough and fraught with a bad partner. He could no more speak out to her than you could to him. I'm glad you told him how that made you feel, what you thought. I think that was a turning point.

And it's reasonable that we turn back and then around--my reminder is that you're doing it together. You're in this together.

To update you on us--we retired last year. DH struggled with health issues from work in the last few years, so we worked out how to get him out. Luckily, he was one of the last people to get a pension from the corp, so after 15 years, we took it. We now live in a remote mountain town in Colorado. We sold off our home and purchased a lower-priced place that we rented out until the retirement, then moved in with the renters. We are finishing the basement into another home and moving downstairs in the next month. We're blessed that the renters haven't complained and have kept paying rent.

I hope I can help with advice for when you want to fix up your home and sell it to downsize for your retirement someday.

Also, I don't know if it will come to pass, but I still have my mother's furniture in Houston. My father's last wife is still using it--but I'd really like to come down and get it at some point and see you in the process. I'm not asking for help moving, just to be clear. LOL

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: LovingAnyway] #418892
01/28/17 03:19 AM
01/28/17 03:19 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,449
catperson Offline OP
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Hi LA, didn't realize you posted here! Your life sounds like heaven. I grew up in Colorado, sure miss it.

Our life is kind of weird, in that it's run by history - doing the same thing over and over, never changing. The one real time I got him to go to therapy, MC suggested to him that we devote one night a week to NOT turning the tv on. Our entire 40 years has revolved around the tv set. One reason we never get anything done.

He insisted when I moved in that he was in control of the finances and that I would pay him for some of the bills and I would handle any of my own bills. Of course, my pay was a third of his, so I never had any real money. Even today, he still makes comments saying that it's my fault we're in financial trouble, I spend too much, etc. I've never spent more than $300 at any one time (8 years ago) in my life. Except for presents for him and DD26, of course. But it's all my fault. Because he can't admit fault. Even though we sat on our old house for FOUR years because he didn't feel like dealing with it and he ran up four years of mortgage, taxes, utilities, and insurance on his credit cards and never told me.

It wasn't until I noticed him unable to keep using his credit cards that I looked into HIS bills and realized he was over $50,000 in debt. And then I took over. But then I went through almost 2 years of unemployment and here we are.

Anyway, he's been letting me lead the finances, but he also hasn't given up his credit cards like my brother suggested. But I also haven't stood up to him about it. Hell, I can't even get him to get off the couch or out of bed on a Saturday morning to help with house chores, let alone deal with the real subjects.

I would love to finally meet you, if you have a need to come to Houston. Any time. smile

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: catperson] #418895
01/28/17 04:55 AM
01/28/17 04:55 AM
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Orchid2 Online
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CP,

Your H is in denial, where mine was as well. Took him taking us to the bankruptcy state of which I will never forgive him. Never.

I'm repairing my credit and glad to be separated from him. Financially, I've bee doing that for a while so it's been showing progress.

My point is that if your H doesn't cut up those cards, it may cut up your M.

Ask him is that what he wants or is he willing to fix this for the right reasons? Yes, the reasons are important.

jmo,
Orchid

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Orchid2] #418903
01/28/17 08:19 PM
01/28/17 08:19 PM
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He needs to give everything up. He needs to share with you how far in debt he really is. But then, that would be admitting fault. And I'm sure he doesn't want to do that. And then he would have to give up the illusion of control.

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Blair] #418904
01/28/17 08:52 PM
01/28/17 08:52 PM
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Orchid2 Online
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Originally Posted By: Blair
........ give up the illusion of control.


That's the key. Very appropriate description. This is the one constant that the mindset of what becomes a WS is based on. Knowing these key components helps us recognize patterns of WSness even after the A (which is usually only a symptom.

Good call, Blair. thumbsup

jmo,
Orchid

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Orchid2] #418909
01/29/17 01:18 AM
01/29/17 01:18 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
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Cat, you know I love you and I'm in your corner...so when I say that you're hurting your marriage with stories you tell yourself, I mean it to help you clear out the mental debris and give you a new space in the present, okay?

He can admit fault and he very often doesn't. To me, he has deep shame-based behaviors. He is full of fear and that often manifests in desperate control. To be wrong, to err, hurts deeply. And it's constant. There's the hum of consistent anxiety and a reactive pattern rather than a prudent awareness of choice.

Like emotional white noise.

So the television, the routines, the denial are like whacked coping skills--which work at first, and then have diminishing returns. Learning living skills is what is needed and desired. But it's so hard to let go of what worked before and doesn't any longer.

None of what I said absolves him of anything he has done or is doing. Your job as partner is to look at now...and now is so different than before.

He gave you the lead in the finances. That's amazing. That's change. Why not share with him your excitement, relief at seeing the light at the end of the tunnel together--getting the debt off your backs when you ask him to cut up his credit cards?

Standing up isn't always demanding up. He let go of the illusion of control quite a bit. He is trusting you and your brother more--which for him is so difficult not because of you, because of himself.

Let go of your thought of control into getting him to do and not do. Tell him how happy it made you working with him on the farmers market project and how it made a love deposit for you, no matter how it turned out. Give him the map of your happiness, how he makes love deposits when you're together, doing chores and ask for his golden hour--when he feels best about doing it.

Look at your own choices for meeting his emotional need of admiration, appreciation and attention. I remember how my focus on the past kept building up resentment in myself and I stopped acting from love altogether. When you hold to appreciating each action he takes now as your own boundary, then his fear lets go a little more and a little more.

Fear multiples and thrives on self-lies--she will leave me if I don't hide this from her--if she really sees how rotten I am. As a partner, we can slip into believing our partners are rotten, as if we can actually hear their thoughts tearing themselves up.

Hold fast...change has been happening. Show him you're with him, going together toward that financially free light and you love him anyway. For him. You relate to him. You have your own fears and shame. Yet, you are also fearless.

Because you are, Cat. Watch your thoughts from the past, fear relived, from tearing you apart and seeing him as doing it to you right now.

Tell him he's your man. Credit cards do not make the man. Tell him you see them as slave owners and cutting them up will free you both. If he's willing to let go of the illusion of control, are you, too?

Would you be fearless now and remove blame and guilt from the cycle of shame? For yourself, for him and your marriage?

I'm in your corner,
LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: LovingAnyway] #418920
01/29/17 05:41 AM
01/29/17 05:41 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,449
catperson Offline OP
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Thank you, everyone. I feel a little more empowered today. I will make tomorrow count.

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: catperson] #418927
01/29/17 07:13 PM
01/29/17 07:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,386
midwest
Miranda Offline
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LA

I cannot tell you how much reading that helped me too. I've been through SO MUCH with my husband and my walls are so high sometimes. I need to try harder to focus on where we are today. And the good he does today.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Miranda] #418928
01/29/17 09:31 PM
01/29/17 09:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
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That's really good to know, Miranda. Your signature quote says it all, really. It's marvelous.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: LovingAnyway] #418929
01/29/17 10:19 PM
01/29/17 10:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,386
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Thanks LA. The quote was meant as a challenge to myself really. I'm not there for sure. But I work on myself all the time.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Miranda] #420057
03/08/17 01:59 AM
03/08/17 01:59 AM
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Posts: 20,449
catperson Offline OP
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Sigh...got laid off again. Stupid oil & gas industry.

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: catperson] #420059
03/08/17 02:07 AM
03/08/17 02:07 AM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Bummer. Hope the cycle turns soon in your neck of the woods.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: holdingontoit] #420060
03/08/17 02:47 AM
03/08/17 02:47 AM
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Blair Offline
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Sorry to hear that. Have you considered being a consultant online or at home, even if it is part time? You have lots of good skills that might overlap for a home business for you.

Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: Blair] #420065
03/08/17 04:07 AM
03/08/17 04:07 AM
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whatsupdoc? Offline
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I'm sorry to hear that. Is this temporary? or do you not know?

> shoot.<


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: Special shout out and thank you [Re: whatsupdoc?] #420066
03/08/17 05:37 AM
03/08/17 05:37 AM
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OH Cat I am so sorry. frown

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