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I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished #417471
12/21/16 04:49 AM
12/21/16 04:49 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
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B
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Good deeds often go unappreciated, or if they are, soon come additional requests that lead to hostility if unmet.

I'm very sad. If you remember, a little over 3 years ago, I rented out a room to a student that had been a foster child. She had no family support and was trying to work her way through college. She was here for 2 months when I helped her do her income taxes and realized that she didn't make enough money to pay rent and eat.

So, I told her that she could stay here for free until she graduated. We've gotten along well all of this time with no problems at at all. Last year she hooked up on FB with an old high school friend who lives in Colorado, and fell madly in love with him.

They've been visiting back and forth and I told her it was fine for him to stay here for a couple of days when he came. He's a nice guy, a truck driver, who came here infrequently for his job and would stay a few days. I thought everything was fine.

However, here's where it went downhill and became out of control. They became more serious and 6 months ago, he changed to a truck driving job that let him spend more time here. Nikki didn't tell me when that decision was made, and also stopped letting me know when he would be here.

It turns out that he drives for 2 weeks and then has 10 days off which he spends here in our house. For some reason he's always very broke and is in the house all day long. She even skipped classes last month during the time he was here and now is in danger of not getting a C in her bio-chem class. If she gets a C-, she won't graduate this month and will have to retake that class next semester.

Plus, she decided to pursue a masters in bio-chem, but won't be eligible to start until September 2017 and that is if she gets at least a C in the one class.

Back in September, when I was starting to get uncomfortable with the whole situation, the boyfriend announced that he had bought an old 32 foot travel trailer and an old hippy style 15-passenger van to tow it. His plan was to put the trailer on a friend's avocado grove out in the country, and he and Nikki would live in it.

That didn't work out because it turns out there needs to be a permit for the travel trailer, grading, a septic tank, etc. The trailer has been parked in the friend's driveway for 4 months, until code enforcement flagged it and wants him move it.

Nikki asked me yesterday if he can move the travel trailer here, and I told her absolutely not. It is illegal to park one in my neighborhood too. Then she started in about how she thought that rule was unfair. Seriously, I wasn't about to argue about the city rules, and on top of that, I'm done with the boyfriend showing up unannounced to stay for 10 days at a time.

I asked both of them to move out and find another place. He smiled and said no problem, but she seemed to be shocked and was very quiet.

Somehow, it's become all my fault. We live a block from the beach and RV parks charge around $1500. a month, with restrictions on the age of the RV. None of them will take a travel trailer older than 15 years. Nikki isn't working, and the boyfriend never seems to have any money.

They are both still here, and she is being very passive aggressive. She has a white board in the living room with a list -

Direct exit loan counseling
Go through stuff - take to thrift shop

and the names of around 15 RV parks with notes like "too expensive",
no openings until October 2017, don't accept RVs older than 15 years, booked up for the year, etc.

This was supposed to be the week she got her degree and I was super excited for her. Now, it's all gone to shinola. She may still graduate, but I'm sure we won't be celebrating because we are hardly talking.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: believer] #417472
12/21/16 04:58 AM
12/21/16 04:58 AM
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Blair Offline
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You are generous to a fault, B. Way too many people take advantage of you when they should simply appreciate your gift.

Nikki made some bad choices, and seems to struggle with boundaries and appropriate behavior. You made the right choice, but you may need to serve them with a 3-day or 5-day Notice to Evict, unless it is different requirement in your area. Based on his reaction, I think the BF thinks he can stay there longer than you are thinking. Be careful.

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: Blair] #417476
12/21/16 05:17 AM
12/21/16 05:17 AM
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Orchid2 Offline
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HI
Very sorry that your best of intentions have been turned against you.

Seems similar to a family (mother and son) that we took in last year. Seems my requirement that we all work hard to stay healthy since we were now a household of 5 vs the original 3 and that we shared 2 bathrooms with now 5 adults in our home, that eating healthy and taking steps to stay healthy would be a no brainer.

Hm......the young adult who kept getting a cold and his mom who kept getting sick and grumbling made our lives uncomfortable. Still we didn't ask them to leave but wished it every day.

Well, I guess the final straw was when I required her son to take his vitamins and eat better so his immune system was stronger. H & I worked and having a sick day was not in our schedule.

They moved out without notice on 10/31/15. H said, I should have made that requirement earlier. LOL!!!!

Point is that this is your home. You don't have to keep her from being homeless. If you choose to have her move out, she doesn't have a choice.

I know this is hard and you are not cruel for doing so.

jmo,
Orchid

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: Orchid2] #417478
12/21/16 05:38 AM
12/21/16 05:38 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Yes I am worried about the boy friends reaction. A little creepy.

I am sorry it all turned bad.....they are both jerks for taking advantage of your generosity.

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: SmilingWife] #417479
12/21/16 05:38 AM
12/21/16 05:38 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Also, you should run a background check on him.

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: Orchid2] #417480
12/21/16 05:43 AM
12/21/16 05:43 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
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Blair -

I rent out houses, so know the drill on eviction. In California you have to pay about $1200. to file for an unlawful detainer. Then it takes about 5 months to go to court. Meanwhile, the tenants can live for free. If they are experienced deadbeats, they will stay for the 5 months and move shortly before the court date.

I'm hoping it won't come to that. Nikki has always been a good person and she's lived here free for over 3 years. I rent out her room for $500. a month, so that's over $18,000 of free rent.

If she doesn't move, I'll lose faith in all humanity.

The whole thing is just very sad.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: believer] #417481
12/21/16 05:57 AM
12/21/16 05:57 AM
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B
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SW - I did run a background and credit check on him when he first started staying here. I always do that for my protection.
Also, I thought he might be married when they first started dating because he lived in Colorado, and she never got to see his house.

But, he's not married, has no criminal record, but does have bad credit.

The reason she didn't get to see his house is because he doesn't have one. He owns 60 acres that he inherited from his grandfather, but it's vacant land, 50 miles from the nearest town. It has no water or utilities, and no house. When he's not working, he sleeps in his truck, or here.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: believer] #417484
12/21/16 02:57 PM
12/21/16 02:57 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Get them to be homesteaders on his vacant land. They have several tv shows where experienced homesteaders help the newbies get set up with food, shelter, water supply and sanitary arrangements. "I am a trucker who wants to park an old rv on my grandfather's land and build a homestead off the grid" sounds like someone one of the shows would love to help. The whole "I have to show my girlfriend the bio-chem student that this is sustainable so she moves with me from the city" angle will appeal to the producers.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: believer] #417489
12/21/16 04:36 PM
12/21/16 04:36 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Originally Posted By: believer
SW - I did run a background and credit check on him when he first started staying here. I always do that for my protection.
Also, I thought he might be married when they first started dating because he lived in Colorado, and she never got to see his house.

But, he's not married, has no criminal record, but does have bad credit.

The reason she didn't get to see his house is because he doesn't have one. He owns 60 acres that he inherited from his grandfather, but it's vacant land, 50 miles from the nearest town. It has no water or utilities, and no house. When he's not working, he sleeps in his truck, or here.


You are so smart..

i hope they will leave without trouble.

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: SmilingWife] #417508
12/21/16 09:06 PM
12/21/16 09:06 PM
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believer I'm so sorry it turned out like this. You have been so good to her, not just a landlady. My SiL was in a similar situation earlier this year and the folks left with no trouble. I hope Nikki and her guy leave with no trouble, too.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: NewEveryDay] #417763
12/30/16 07:08 AM
12/30/16 07:08 AM
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whatsupdoc? Offline
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Yikes...what happened?

P.S. Average Calif salary truck driver $43,000. Does he have children he's supporting? That's peanuts, I know, but he doesn't pay any rent....

Last edited by whatsupdoc?; 12/30/16 07:16 AM.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: whatsupdoc?] #418057
01/07/17 01:09 AM
01/07/17 01:09 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
Believer,

Have you expressed to her that you feel hurt and like your assistance is not appreciated when she treats you like this for having boundaries?

Hugs,
AR


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: AntigoneRisen] #418068
01/07/17 04:05 AM
01/07/17 04:05 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline OP
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It's been really hard to talk to Nikki alone, because Alex has been here constantly and they are glued at the hip. Also, since she's been with him she's become sort of secretive, giving vague answers to any questions I ask about how the plans for living in the trailer are going.

However, two days ago, he finally left - he's been here over 3 weeks. She finally sat down and told me that they will be moving out at the end of the month. She even said that had it been up to her, things would not have been so random. Alex is not really a good planner, and doesn't follow through much.

Apparently he bought the 32 foot trailer and 15 passenger van very suddenly, without talking to his friend that was supposed to offer the space to put it. Now that isn't going to happen for at least a year, if it happens at all.

Alex must have thought he was grandfathered in to stay here for free, and it's turned into weeks at a time instead of a couple of days.

So, they've found a place 50 miles inland from here near an Indian Reservation. It has spaces for RVs for year around living and quite reasonable, $600. a month.

I worry about it because the reviews say lots of otherwise homeless people and druggies stay there, but Nikki seems to be
very excited about establishing a home with Alex.

BTW, she did pass the one class and has her degree, thank goodness. Her plan is to work until she starts her Masters next September.

I'm so relieved because the situation was getting very uncomfortable.

I blame myself because this is a recurring pattern in my life that happens over and over. I've done a lot of counseling to develop boundaries, but still tend to take what is agreed on at face value.

When Nikki applied for the room, I told her that occasional overnight visitors were fine and respected for 3 years. Then it turned into Alex staying here a couple of days a month, then changed to 3 days every 3 weeks, then to 2 weeks in October and November, then to 3 weeks in December. Also, October, November, and December there was no advance notice, he just suddenly showed up.

I'm quite sure they will move because Nikki really is a good person. However, I'm counting the days because I'm sure Alex will be back soon. I'm not sure what's happening with his job, but he seems to be here more than he's gone.

There's nothing wrong with him, he's nice enough, but for young people, they sure spend a lot of time at home. They hardly leave at all, cook 3 big meals a day (together) in the kitchen. They are both vegans which apparently requires 2 hours of preparation for each meal.

I'm still glad that she stayed with me. She arrived with a bike and a backpack. She worked, studied, and went to school. Her father who has been absent showed up several months ago and bought her a car. He's finally gotten his life together, got off drugs, and is back working as an electrical engineer.

Nikki has almost straight A's and graduated with no loans or debt. It feels good that I was able to help another woman who deserved a break.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: believer] #418070
01/07/17 04:41 AM
01/07/17 04:41 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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There is some good there B, you are a good person.

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: SmilingWife] #418079
01/07/17 03:08 PM
01/07/17 03:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
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holdingontoit Offline
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Well done in helping her. But that is all you can do. Help and offer advice. You can't live her life for her. She gets to make her own choices. Even bad ones. You did your part well. Now time to let go.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: holdingontoit] #418084
01/07/17 04:26 PM
01/07/17 04:26 PM
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Blair Offline
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The update does sound like progress, and they will be moved out totally soon. Glad she was able to get her degree. You have such a kind heart, B.

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: Blair] #418092
01/07/17 08:07 PM
01/07/17 08:07 PM
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Orchid2 Offline
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B,

For as much trauma as it caused you, you have given her a start and a memory that hopefully one day she will recall with gratitude.

Until then, it is a learning curve and an experience of which she may not appreciate at this time. Doesn't change the fact that you are part of her journey and now must go down different paths.

You did excellent in your assistance but a happy ending is still up the road.

Very proud of you, B. thumbsup

Hugz,
Orchid

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: Orchid2] #418398
01/16/17 02:25 AM
01/16/17 02:25 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,415
whatsupdoc? Offline
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Congrats to her for graduating and congrats to you for keeping to your promises to the end on this one.


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: whatsupdoc?] #418592
01/19/17 10:42 PM
01/19/17 10:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
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Congrats to you, Believer. I love your heart and your loving boundaries. You did great.

I'm sure she will be in touch with you throughout her life.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: LovingAnyway] #418703
01/23/17 04:52 AM
01/23/17 04:52 AM
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So, a month after I posted this, I need more help with boundaries.

Nikki and Alex were supposed to start moving in 2 days, and they would be out by Jan. 27.

In the meantime, Nikki mentioned that the RV that Alex bought needed to have the carpet removed, the floor replaced and work on the roof. Alex was going to do it during his latest visit, which began 5 days ago. It was raining here the first 2 days, then nice for 2 days, and raining today.

Alex and Nikki have been together, in bed, cooking, or sitting on the couch the whole time. No packing has been happening, no talk about moving, fixing up the RV, nothing.

Maybe they will start moving in 2 days, but I don't see how that's going to happen.

I need the words to express my boundaries. It's very hard for me because Nikki has promised to move, but I don't see any progress, and she also doesn't talk about it or give any updates.

So, should I just go out into the kitchen (where they are still cooking), and ask if they need help packing?


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: believer] #418704
01/23/17 05:32 AM
01/23/17 05:32 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Yes. Tell her you are needing to relist her room and you have a deadline.

Definitely say something.

Last edited by SmilingWife; 01/23/17 05:32 AM.
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: SmilingWife] #418709
01/23/17 01:00 PM
01/23/17 01:00 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Believer how did it go?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: NewEveryDay] #418733
01/23/17 11:48 PM
01/23/17 11:48 PM
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Well, I did my very best to remain calm and nice, while setting very firm boundaries. It's very hard for me anyway because it feels like Nikki is keeping secrets, or at least not having any open communication.

However, I'm not willing to have my home and life hijacked by her boyfriend's lack of immediate plans or action.

Last week I heard him tell her on Facetime that he has a $10,000. student loan that he wants to pay off first. I couldn't help but overhear because I was in the kitchen cooking and she was in the dining room talking to him. I think it was news to her, because she was asking him who was carrying the loan.

So, now we are on day 6 of not doing anything. This morning I asked Nikki if they were going to start doing the floors in the travel trailer. It's really hard to talk because they are ALWAYS together.

Alex answered that he meant to start work 6 days ago, but it's been raining and he doesn't want to work in the rain. Mind you, he's had almost 4 months to work on the RV and hasn't done a thing.

So I explained that I have some potential renters interested in seeing the room and house and need to be able to take pictures to post.

Nikki offered to clean up the room and house, grrrr. Somehow my point doesn't seem to get through. There is too much stuff here and I want them to move out.

But this afternoon it did seem to have lit a fire under them. They filled out an application for a different RV park, not the one 50 miles away, and submitted it. This one is a block from the beach and is $1600. a month.

No explanation at all about the change of plans, and it really doesn't seem like they were intending to move.

However, when I got home Nikki was all chatty, explaining that a friend is going to pick up the 8 roller derby pop-up canopies in our living room, another one is taking the enormous desk and the rest of the furniture will be put on Craigslist.

I asked if she had everything all packed and she said not really. I feel like I'm nagging them, but when I don't say anything, nothing happens. They were given 30 days notice 37 days ago.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: believer] #418734
01/23/17 11:53 PM
01/23/17 11:53 PM
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Blair Offline
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Ouch. You might have to throw them out. At the rate they are going, they'll be "thinking" about working on those floors another 8-9 months.

Re: I'll just call this no good deed goes unpunished [Re: believer] #418738
01/24/17 12:22 AM
01/24/17 12:22 AM
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TC_Manhattan Offline
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You might tell them they'll need to stay at a KOA until they get themselves and their trailer sorted.

You can give them notice to be out before the first of February, and warn that you will initiate eviction proceedings if not. Too bad they're the ones making this personal.

Just how I see it.

BTW, good luck with this. I know it's hard and it sucks. BTDT.

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