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Re: Obl's Pursuit of Happiness
[Re: Oblivious2678]
#418037
01/06/17 02:57 PM
01/06/17 02:57 PM
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,971 South
Oblivious2678
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My DS makes me truly happy. He is the apple of my eye. I look forward to seeing him every day. I love watching him grow, learn, prosper, achieve his goals. I love spending time with him playing sports, watching sports, playing video games, playing mind challenging games, a new thing that I see he likes. He is a really good kid. He is respectful. He is smart. He is loving and caring. He is witty. He is confident at times. He is so much like me it's scary. I want him to be comfortable in his skin and not constantly worry about what others think of him and I am starting to see it, which concerns me. I want to teach him how to fix things...even though I'm still learning myself.  I look forward to teaching him how to be a good man, which is something I am still learning myself as well. I want him to continue to be proud, like he is now, that I am his dad. I will continue to make him proud the way he makes me proud to be his dad.
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Re: Obl's Pursuit of Happiness
[Re: AntigoneRisen]
#418072
01/07/17 05:20 AM
01/07/17 05:20 AM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887 HI
Orchid2
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Re: Obl's Pursuit of Happiness
[Re: Oblivious2678]
#420369
03/16/17 02:58 PM
03/16/17 02:58 PM
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,971 South
Oblivious2678
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Okay...I have to get back to this. So, doing some thinking this morning. I decided to list out how my day would be if I was alone. A Regular Work Day -Wake up around 7am -Work til around 5-6pm -Work out for a solid 45 minutes after work -Make a healthy dinner -Household chore or two -Relax or do whatever I would like to do at this time (go out, watch a sporting event, work on a wood project, video game) Weekend Day with nothing planned already -Wake up around 8am and have my coffee -Household chore/project -Workout for a solid 45 minutes -------All the above complete by noon. Noon is my threshold time for some reason on the weekend------ -Go out and do some type of activity that I feel like doing **I like Weekends that are spontaneous if nothing is already planned for me to do I would be working more, eating healthier, working out regularly. I've always had the desire to maintain an athletic body style. Most of the work day is impossible with my current life. Work days, I get in late because I get son on the bus. I leave a little early sometimes to beat traffic and so I don't have to hear my wife b*tch about why I can't leave work "on time". I get home and it's dinner, kids' activities if any, kids' lunches for the next day, dishes, laundry, make sure kids' homework is done, oh...and keep track of the puppy of course. Then it's 830pm. Chill for a short time before kids go to bed. By then I'm tired. We watch TV or we on our phones or both. I think I am just frustrated with being a responsible adult who has to make sacrifices. I can do an activity, but I only have time for one, if that, and I have to choose it wisely. It cannot take up too much time. If I am to work out during the week, it would have to be 6am or 930pm. I used to work out at 930pm, but after a period of time, wife got frustrated with it because I wasn't in bed with her until after 1030pm. Guitar is not doing it for me anymore. I don't have the desire to practice the amount that is needed to be successful at it. Like I said, I feel I have time for one thing. If that one thing is not doing it for me, then I tend to get miserable. It has to be something that fulfills a need and fulfills it in a minimal amount of time. Being healthy has always been important to me and I am getting to the age where it's more important than ever to make sure I'm taking care of my body...and it turn it would take care of my mind. Maybe exercise makes me happy. It has been proven chemically.  I really think it is important to make working out part of my daily life. The working out that I want, not the "30 minutes of walking a day". No. The athletic workouts are what I enjoy. I've seen results in the past. I want to make it my lifestyle. Now...to make it happen without ruffling the daily feathers.
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Re: Obl's Pursuit of Happiness
[Re: Oblivious2678]
#420380
03/16/17 06:27 PM
03/16/17 06:27 PM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,219
LivingWell
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I feel as if I am always on edge (probably caused by bottling everything in). I feel as if I cannot do anything without having to "check in". The daily call or text "what time will you be home?" "Where are you?" if I don't answer right away. I used to make those calls. It was about calming my own anxiety. Unfortunately, it caused anxiety to the other person and was annoying on top of that. Of course, I didn't realize it at the time and he couldn't tell me in a way that wasn't attacking or insulting. It was a problem that caused other problems. I feel as if there is always something that I am missing that needs to be done. I would guess that there is.... because that's life. Everything doesn't get done. That's why I make priority lists... so that I can decide what's not going to get done when time and/or energy runs out. Today it's laundry. There are still three towels so no big deal. Getting dog food is at the top of the list because otherwise I'll have to cook something for him, lol. When I attempt to do something for myself, there's something I missed that has to be done around the house or for the kids or something. Yes. Always. Because there's not a lot of "free time" in your schedule. There is something that you gain from scheduling so many minutes of your days. If you can figure out what that is, the next step is to get those things in other ways. If I do decide to do something, go golfing, visit a friend, I feel as if I will pay for it down the road. That's how life goes.... consequences for everything, good or bad. The thing that jumps out at me is the term "pay for". It implies a punitive consequence that unwarranted. When I feel like I'm paying as opposed to experiencing consequences, I look for what might be triggered in me. Most times it's due to something that's rooted in childhood that I'm reenacting today. It can look like someone else is causing my dismay but they are really just participants in my recreation of old stuff. It's called acting out because that's what it is..... acting out the dysfunction. This stuff is mostly in my head. I keep going in circles as this isn't my first go-round with this. Is it a repeat or is it "not as bad"? If it's just a repeat then you might ask yourself.... when else have I felt this way? Ask yourself that question and allow the answer to come as many times as it takes to get to the root of it. It might feel the same now but there are differences that can be recognized. And today you can deal with it as an adult with all the rights of an adult. For example, I need to just take the time to visit some friends next Thursday night, friends I haven't seen in a long time. What makes me hesitant is I would go after work and wouldn't be home until around the time the kids go to bed. I feel guilty doing that and I feel angry if my wife did that to me. Both make me hesitate. So if you don't go then your wife can't do something like that either. Is that accurate? Also, I recognize the feel guilty thing. For me, it came from being held responsible for what the adults in my childhood were responsible for.... and being taught that doing things for myself was selfish and a bad thing. It really wasn't but that's how they got me to do their stuff. Unfortunately, I carried that into my adulthood. When I was able to start working through it, one of the things I learned is that "guilt" is selfish and self-serving. Genuine remorse is another thing. So now whenever I start to feel guilty, I allow myself to see what's really going on that feeling guilty is covering. It can be emotionally painful work but it has such good results that it's worth it to me. Why does this cause so much frustration with me? I should just be able to do things without overthinking them. Something that a few of the Peer Counseling threads helped me recognize is that when I'm feeling frustrated, it's a signal that I'm wanting to control someone or something. I ask myself how I think that I would be better off if I was able to control whatever it is. It takes courage, strength and perseverance to deal with these types of things. You have all that. Now it's just a matter of deciding if it's what you want to do at this point in your life. There are no "right" or "wrong" answers. Just choices and decisions.
Last edited by LivingWell; 03/16/17 06:33 PM. Reason: fixed quote
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Re: Obl's Pursuit of Happiness
[Re: LivingWell]
#420382
03/16/17 07:34 PM
03/16/17 07:34 PM
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,971 South
Oblivious2678
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Thank you so much for your in depth perspective. Summed up, it appears that I get frustrated with being a responsible adult.
Two things that aren't summed up by that: The repeat cycle and the guilt/anger for one of us going out.
Repeat Cycle - Guilt trips occurred regularly growing up. If I was doing something for myself, I would get a 'what about me?' response, even if they were allegedly joking. I never felt good about doing something for myself.
Guilt/Anger for going out - I have this mentality that if I do something for myself, there will be retaliation for it. I do not like being in debt to anyone. This is why I do not ask for help most of the time.
If I go out, I feel my wife will immediately look to go out with her friends in retaliation, which is most likely not the case at all. I have that mentality when she goes out. It's not anger. It's jealousy...all created in my mind for whatever reason.
My mind is my own demon sometimes. It works against me. I think it assists in blocking my happiness. I cannot pursue true happiness because I'll feel guilty. I've been trained to do so from the guilt trips growing up. I shouldn't feel guilty trying to pursue my happiness.
Now as an adult, I am viewing my responsibilities as guilt trips when my wife gets frustrated with me. They are not the same thing. She is not trying to make me feel guilty. She is being an adult. I am her partner in the responsibility that we created together.
I put the above paragraph in bold blue because it is EXACTLY what the problem is. I need to post this as a reminder to myself as to why I feel this way.
There is always something to do as far as responsibility goes. That's life. That's being adult. That's the life that has been chosen. Get the shinola done and I can feel better about doing things for myself.
This explains why on football Sundays, I get everything done before 1pm. This helps justify in my mind that I have 'earned' the right to watch football that day. Not sure if this is normal, but that's what I do.
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Re: Obl's Pursuit of Happiness
[Re: Oblivious2678]
#420383
03/16/17 08:05 PM
03/16/17 08:05 PM
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424 midwest
Miranda
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I have this "heavy burden" issue too, Obl.
I feel like I can't "play" unless all the work is done. I just snapped at my husband a few days ago "life isn't a GAME Daryl!"
But the approach is ALL WRONG. If you don't force yourself to play, in spite of the work being there, whether it's there or not, you're going to grow old, and bitter and filled with resentment. Your discomfort and anxiety about the work is running the show. You need to make peace with that, manage that, deal with that. Because the work isn't going anywhere. It's a constant. And truthfully, a lot of it isn't NEARLY as important as we are making it most of the time.
Stop letting it own you. Learn to embrace your anxiety and discomfort about it. They're part of you, but they aren't ALL of you.
When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
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Re: Obl's Pursuit of Happiness
[Re: Oblivious2678]
#420384
03/16/17 08:07 PM
03/16/17 08:07 PM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,219
LivingWell
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Summed up, it appears that I get frustrated with being a responsible adult. What do you think about the possibility that the frustration might come from being an over-responsible adult? What happened in your first family when you weren't responsible enough? Repeat Cycle - Guilt trips occurred regularly growing up. If I was doing something for myself, I would get a 'what about me?' response, even if they were allegedly joking. I never felt good about doing something for myself. This sounds to me like what happens in the present when either one of you wants to do something. And since you're an adult now, you get to say "what about me?". But it doesn't sound like you get the same results as others got when you were growing up. So not fair! I don't blame you for being angry. You're not exactly getting your turn. The upside to that is that you're not passing on to your kids exactly what you got growing up. It's wonderful for me to watch how my personal recovery progress affects how my grandson is being raised. Guilt/Anger for going out - I have this mentality that if I do something for myself, there will be retaliation for it. I do not like being in debt to anyone. This is why I do not ask for help most of the time. How was it decided what you would owe for doing something for yourself? When and how did you find out what the price would be? When you do something, are you waiting for the other shoe to drop? If your wife doesn't make you pay, do you make yourself pay in some way? If I go out, I feel my wife will immediately look to go out with her friends in retaliation, which is most likely not the case at all. I have that mentality when she goes out. It's not anger. It's jealousy...all created in my mind for whatever reason. I used to be jealous that others could do stuff like that without feeling guilty and having it interfere with what they were doing. They got more out of what they were doing than I did. I'll say it again. So not fair! My mind is my own demon sometimes. It works against me. I think it assists in blocking my happiness. I cannot pursue true happiness because I'll feel guilty. I've been trained to do so from the guilt trips growing up. I shouldn't feel guilty trying to pursue my happiness. What would happen whenever you looked or acted happy growing up? This explains why on football Sundays, I get everything done before 1pm. This helps justify in my mind that I have 'earned' the right to watch football that day. Not sure if this is normal, but that's what I do. When I thought of things that way it set up future resentment and being short tempered whenever someone interrupted the time I had earned in ways that I didn't want to deal with then. When I changed my view to getting things done so that it wasn't on my mind or hanging over my head and interfering with my activity, it went a lot better. Also, I was earning things at the pay rate that was imposed when I was growing up. Which meant that I overpaid by a lot. And resented others who just did what they wanted without paying. So many things get automatically carried into adulthood. Taking some time to figure out what things I actually wanted to keep and which things I wanted to do differently has been an ongoing process throughout my adulthood. And well worth the effort.
Last edited by LivingWell; 03/16/17 08:09 PM. Reason: fixed quote
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Re: Obl's Pursuit of Happiness
[Re: Oblivious2678]
#420385
03/16/17 09:43 PM
03/16/17 09:43 PM
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
TC_Manhattan
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I feel as if I am always on edge (probably caused by bottling everything in). I feel as if I cannot do anything without having to "check in". The daily call or text "what time will you be home?" "Where are you?" if I don't answer right away.
I feel as if there is always something that I am missing that needs to be done. When I attempt to do something for myself, there's something I missed that has to be done around the house or for the kids or something.
If I do decide to do something, go golfing, visit a friend, I feel as if I will pay for it down the road.
This stuff is mostly in my head. I keep going in circles as this isn't my first go-round with this.
For example, I need to just take the time to visit some friends next Thursday night, friends I haven't seen in a long time. What makes me hesitant is I would go after work and wouldn't be home until around the time the kids go to bed. I feel guilty doing that and I feel angry if my wife did that to me. Both make me hesitate.
Why does this cause so much frustration with me? I should just be able to do things without overthinking them. Obl, here is an essay of Al Turtle's that talks about frustrations, the lizard, and triggers. I know it gets a bit complicated, so might require reading through a few times. Take your time. I think you have identified a very big part of your frustration/s that has to do with YOU feeling safe, realizing it and learning about it. My hope is that this might help you begin to untangle it all. I do understand how anxiety-provoking this stuff can be. Bottom line, I think you first need to learn what it takes (and how) to make YOURSELF feel safe before you can reliably help your partner to do so. Just how I see it. Anyways, here is the link: Healing Frustrations: Finding The Gold
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