Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 4 guests, and 83 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.My Gratitude Journal29
2.Pulling up a chair12
3.Am I still a doormat?8
4.I'm learning to talk3
5.WuD? - Moving on.1
6.The Joke Thread1
7.Learning about life from life........1
8.Just updating... things do get better over time.1
9.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
10.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation5
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
7 Things Kids Need To Do For Themselves Before They Turn 13 - Healthyway1
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Done. But feeling Guilty #418018
01/06/17 05:43 AM
01/06/17 05:43 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
3
3leee3 Offline OP
New Member
3leee3  Offline OP
New Member
3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
Simple..Married 19 yrs...and .I'm no longer in love with my husband - But, I do love him. He has been someone that has complained for so long about so many things that I'm exhausted. a pessimist and I am the polar opposite. Our kids "three teenage boys" wonder all the time what mood he will show up in. I have stayed so that they would not have to be alone with him... just hoping that I could make it until they are out of school. But, a recent event has made me confront the fact that I am emotionally done. The event was the we had gone to a company party... an amazing evening. I was going on family advice to get through the holidays...give 100% see where it gets me"...and days later he addresses me randomly that it was not an amazing evening... actually, that he felt I had disrespected him by making eye contact with another gentleman. I WAS SO CONFUSED?? and I couldn't believe I was actually trying to figure out what and where and who...he was talking about.
Just such a turnoff. SO ... here we are as he flips his magical daily morning switch that everything is back to normal the next day. Kisses goodbye in the am or pm with I love you's or there's NOTHING from him but silence because he's not getting the lovin' from me... BUT, I'm over this pretentious relationship. And, he says he is tired of living like roommates. SO AM I! He acts negatively, says mean things, then says he is sorry... I'm trying, but, then it's always something else. I suggested counseling - but, he felt if we could just spend more time talking to each other...communicate better, leave others out of it. However. now that he knows I'm done - he wants to go - but, I don't think I have it in me to fall back in love. He has had insecurities since we met - He has been upset with me for things that are absolutely ridiculous, delusional and I don't know why, but, I feel bad for him. I think it's because he's my kids dad. How do I leave? ... I'm worried that if I leave my kids are going to be sad but if I stay that it could be worse. We never really do anything as a family. Cost too much or at least what the majority wants to do is not what my husband wants to do. And, he would just rather stay home - save the money. ..I just feel like there's more to life. I want to live and be adored and love...
UGH. I think I'm just venting. UNCLE. Thanks for letting me you guys.

Last edited by 3llee3; 01/06/17 05:50 AM.
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: 3leee3] #418023
01/06/17 08:58 AM
01/06/17 08:58 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,405
right here waiting Offline
Board of Directors
President
right here waiting  Offline
Board of Directors
President
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,405
Welcome to MA, 3llee3. I'm sorry you're at what sounds like a stalemate. You're certainly out of love, and from what you describe, it's easy to understand why.

When did he go from the man you decided to marry to the man who poses so many challenges? What's the history? Has he always been jealous, even when there's no cause? Does he have relationship problems at work, or just with you and the kids? How about with his other relatives? Any alcohol or other issues there?

Not being nosy...just trying to get a handle on the situation so we can offer ideas.

Could there be a chance for your marriage if your husband became more like the man you fell in love with 20 years ago? Unfortunately, it's hard to find a good marriage counselor, unless you can get a personal recommendation. There are programs that can help, though. Folks here have use different ones and could tell you about them if you like. Many are self-study type plans. Perhaps individual counseling could be helpful for him too.

It's clear something has to happen to keep you from screaming out the back door. The fact that your husband knows you've "had it" and is now motivated to listen, and perhaps make some changes means the time is right for one last effort to save your marriage and your family.

It's worth a shot, no?

Sorry you needed to find us, but we're glad you're here.


PS~there's a note for you on the Welcome Forum. Some good links to read and help you navigate the site, too.




Last edited by right here waiting; 01/06/17 09:03 AM.
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: right here waiting] #418027
01/06/17 12:48 PM
01/06/17 12:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
star*fish Offline
Board of Directors
star*fish  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
33,

Welcome to MA. You know what? I don't think you're "done". I think you're tired and hurt and afraid. The reason I don't think you're done--is that you're here. If you were done, you wouldn't be looking for help and support.

This is a good place to get that. I used to say "I have an infinite amount of time to divorce my husband, but a very short time to save my marriage. I think I'll try that first."

((((((((((((((((((((33))))))))))))))))))))))))


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: star*fish] #418030
01/06/17 02:08 PM
01/06/17 02:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
3llee3

I'm going to tell you I'm married to someone who sounds a lot like your husband. I've been on this board for years trying to make it work. I've tried the counseling, and he just didn't really participate, called it "my counseling" and that's what it became. Which was great because I needed it!

I've basically got one foot out the door now. But there have been a zillion reasons I've had to stay, the most recent of which has been a horrible health problem for him, that he most certainly could have easily died if I had not been here to push forward his health care situation and taken care of him after a major surgery!

I'm getting ready to go back to school for one more year, to get a second bachelor's degree that will drastically improve the financial situation and get me into a career I can love. After that happens, I'm not sure I will stay with him at all. If he does one single thing to get in my way while I'm getting the degree, I'm gone. If he does anything to stop me from taking jobs that will get me where I want to go career wise? I'm gone.

I hope your marriage can be saved, but I know from bitter experience that not all can be or deserve to be. Try to remember that you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Last edited by Miranda; 01/06/17 02:08 PM.

When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: Miranda] #418044
01/06/17 05:52 PM
01/06/17 05:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
3
3leee3 Offline OP
New Member
3leee3  Offline OP
New Member
3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
I can't tell you how much it means to hear 3 different pieces of advice- THANK YOU!

In response... our marriage is a LONG story. I married this man in my later years. I actually went after him, based on looks - Gorgeous... and was flattered when he reciprocated. I, saw warning signs of insecurity - absolutely shocked because he was so handsome ... bewildered me - while at the same time I felt flattered that he was actually the one insecure. My friends pointed out the red flags - I ignored, especially wanting a family "kids" at 32. He did drink excessively and had problems on and off with it, prior to us marrying and since.
His history is that he is from a broken family - lived with his father... father died young ... while he was young -16.
Developed Anger issues that spike. When he gets defensive he will revert to, " I've cared for myself all my life... long before you and can do it again"
So, in our early years of marriage ... I would work hard in my business that I did out of my home... he would work out in the field, maybe go out with guys after work ( not sure if he went out of our marriage ?? I suspect he did - but, didn't worry or loose sleep over it back then) I was too busy and loved being with the kids and knew he loved me. I made excuses for his behavior to my family and friends... just didn't want to rock the boat.
Two years ago, my kids started complaining to me about his barks. And, I tried not to talk bad about their dad - but, as he puts it - I DEFEND THEM.. I speak up and speak for them when he starts in about what and why things are around the house the way they are or are not. AND... I started speaking up for myself. I started back at a gym for myself and started going out with girlfriends and began to look for an old me I haven't seen in a LOT of years.
He is supportive of those things as long as he is being taken care of ... wink wink. However, if he feels dissed he goes there...like " yeah.. how's the Gym??" And, I know... you're going to so and so's "friends" house... . Making assumptions.
And, after all the ups and downs - I do want us to work - I want things to be peaceful - but, I like what Miranda said... I don't want to set myself on Fire.. to keep him warm - anymore. I want him to know who I am - I don't think he ever really has. That I have NEVER given him reason to doubt my faithfulness... that I am about family values... that I am and have worked hard that he should be proud to be able to finally (got a job with the government ) solely provide for us ... rather than complain about how his job is so monotones - that he can't stand it most of the time - "BUT... it's what he HAS to do." And, What are you going to do, to me... "go to the gym?"
I had a great career - I was the bread winner and it slipped away by me working a second job in order for us to have benefits... being that we were both at this time were self employed. And, I swore I would never be dependent on anyone! NOW look.
If I won the lottery, I would be gone. I just think I am here because I financially need his support and I HATE THAT.
I don't think he will change... unless I change back to the submissive wife who looks the other way and doesnt' speak out!
I am working on getting a new career - the sooner the better. AND maybe we can go to counseling - but, I know he won't take it seriously or feel he would gain anything from it.

Thank you everyone. I will still sit here and watch over my kids and play nice until I can't anymore.

Last edited by 3llee3; 01/06/17 06:02 PM.
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: 3leee3] #418046
01/06/17 06:22 PM
01/06/17 06:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
You can do more than that....

You can tell him that you want to go to counseling together. And see if he will do it. If he doesn't go, or if he does and it's a bust, then you go just for you. I promise you that it's the beginning of getting things in order for yourself and your relationship, to really see everything totally clearly.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: 3leee3] #418052
01/06/17 10:32 PM
01/06/17 10:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
Oh my 3L3,

Welcome to MA and like Miranda, we must be related somehow. wink

Ok, I can relate. Almost totally relate.

Please spend a bit of time here. Seems to be a virus causing what should be good men to turn into such selfish ones. Sigh.......has he ever had incidents of straying?

Take care,
Orchid

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: 3leee3] #418056
01/07/17 12:57 AM
01/07/17 12:57 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
Your husband sounds incredibly insecure and fearful. In an attempt to ensure his safety, he is attempting to control your behavior rather than confront his own issues.

I'd take exactly 0 responsibility for my spouse's upset that I looked at someone or made eye contact. Those are polite social norms. "I hear you saying that you are uncomfortable with my social interactions. Do you know what causes you to be so uncomfortable?"

I think it is time for a frank discussion. Is he willing to take responsibility for his insecurities and fears - and address them - or is he unwilling to confront them and sort them out?

As far as his moods, it sounds like his moods are the emotional thermostat in the family: he's setting the temperature for everyone. How can you be your own emotional thermostat and set your own emotional temperature regardless of his?

Can you explain what you mean by "being taken care of" here:

Quote:
He is supportive of those things as long as he is being taken care of ... wink wink. However, if he feels dissed he goes there...like " yeah.. how's the Gym??" And, I know... you're going to so and so's "friends" house... . Making assumptions.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: Miranda] #418062
01/07/17 03:15 AM
01/07/17 03:15 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
3
3leee3 Offline OP
New Member
3leee3  Offline OP
New Member
3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you for that! xo

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: Orchid2] #418064
01/07/17 03:35 AM
01/07/17 03:35 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
3
3leee3 Offline OP
New Member
3leee3  Offline OP
New Member
3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
When we were 7 years into our marriage... Our boys were 6,5 and 4. I had made some RARE plans to go out with my girlfriend. She wanted me to meet her for dinner at 7:00. Well 6:30 came and hubby wasn't home ...6:45 and tick tock tick tock... He wan't answering his phone and I was so mad that he wasn't home yet. So, I went out looking for him with kids in toe. Saw his car down the street - but not at the friends house. I walk across the street on to the beach and find him hanging out with 3 girls taking pictures for them with their phone... and I confronted him! Caused a scene.. and his response was " this has been so long coming" with a smile on his face - Drunk. I insisted him get home and then went out - BIG REGRET. I should have never left the house with him and those kids like that - But, I was so angry, honestly I don't think I was thinking straight! And, other times about the same time - he spent a lot of time with guys out.. booty bars.... said he owed it to his crew... and I needed to let up on riding him about it! He was very secretive about his phone... and on and on. I don't know - He spent a lot of time on our boat.. and once, I hired a detective to take a stab in the dark to see if he had anyone with him - but, the detective turned up nothing the one night I hired him for.
Tonight we talked - He asked me why I don't tell him I love him and I told him that I did love him - but, I couldn't live like this anymore and that we needed some serious counseling and that I wasn't sure if it would help - but, that we needed to start there and go from there. I feel that we just see things VERY differently and that I don't think he understands my personality that I am tired of suppressing. That, I'm not trying to hurt him - But, I am exhausted trying to figure out where he is coming up with his delusional thoughts. He told me that he may not be good at scholar things - but, as far as people and reading them - He felt he was VERY good at that - and he sees things and can read body language! I told him that I think he reads WAY TOO much into things that it becomes distorted!! And, that's why we... (HE) needs help. I really don't see how any counselor is going to get us on the same page... but, I want to be able to say I tried. WHO KNOWS? But, he did go on and say, also, that he too unhappy had been considering trying to just continue until our youngest graduates and he would then leave if he couldn't handle the relationship anymore - but, didn't feel like we would make it another 3 years at this rate. So... OMG.. ..
A lot of men out there like this, huh? I know I'm not perfect - But, I am definitely open to conversation without taking things so personal and freaking out!

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: AntigoneRisen] #418067
01/07/17 03:49 AM
01/07/17 03:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
3
3leee3 Offline OP
New Member
3leee3  Offline OP
New Member
3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
Haha... being taken care of sexually / emotionally 110%!! Otherwise, if we go a couple of days... I must be up to no good!

He'll make comments like: So... any lab work - or are you just going to the gym?...Must be nice. Oh.. and you're leaving your second job this summer, right... the one that actually brings us money.

And, my phone dings a text... he'll say " There it goes" ...
Tonight I couldn't find the charger to my phone... and he said: "Oh...can't loose that"... and
AND, then a little later... I sat planning a trip to the grocery store. He sat there watching TV and talking with the kids as I plan my trip - all the while my phone text kept going off - (my Best Friend going on and on about a Drs. appt - and life, whatever ) all the sudden, I get ready to leave and he says, " AND, I think I'll go with you" I'm like, "Ok" ... " and you want to go with me, why?" He says, ... Isn't it ok that I just want to spend time with you?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! He NEVER wants to go to the store with me. I coupon and compare pricing... And, I know the only reason he wanted to go was because of the texting... Heck, maybe I'm the one assuming.

The sad part is - Is, that he thinks that he can fix things with a day of being nice. I mean it's a start..yes. Did I enjoy having him with me, it was fine. Just weird that he wanted to go.

Last edited by 3leee3; 01/07/17 04:01 AM.
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: 3leee3] #418069
01/07/17 04:28 AM
01/07/17 04:28 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,405
right here waiting Offline
Board of Directors
President
right here waiting  Offline
Board of Directors
President
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,405
I had a feeling drinking might be part of the picture. You said he's "had problems on and off with it." What kind of problems? And has it caused problems over the past two years, which is when your kids started to complain to you?

Do you think it's part of the problem now? I ask because unpredictable behavior is a hallmark of problem drinking, and in itself could drive you around the bend. The other bad behavior doesn't help. The kids are being affected negatively too, so you have to take action, especially if drinking is involved--marriage counseling would be worthless until that is resolved. You can't go on like this. I don't want to beat what may be a dead horse, but IF alcohol is a problem, explore Alanon, and Alateen for the kids.

But whether or not that's a current issue, you'll need to develop and enforce some boundaries. Reclaiming your own life and identity...the gym, working on a new career... sounds like a good start. But understand, when he becomes verbally abusive, you don't have to put up with it or try to defend yourself, which is futile anyway, as you've found.

Remove yourself from the tirade. Simply remove yourself from the scene. Tell him you'll be back in 20 minutes or a half hour and L.E.A.V.E. the house. Go for a cup of coffee somewhere. Sit in the library. Sit in the car outside a church and pray, if that would soothe you. If you fear the kids would take abuse while you're gone, pack them into the car too--go get hot chocolate somewhere. If he gives you a bigger dose when you get back, leave again, for longer this time. Tell him you don't want to be around him when he treats you that way, and be sure to tell him when you'll be back. And come back when you said you would.

Caveat: If he has ever been violent, the problem is different, and I'd say get yourself into counseling pronto if that's the case. Counseling is a good idea anyway...can help keep you sane while you're handling this.

As you can see, others here have dealt with what you describe. Listen as they tell you what they've learned, and what has worked for them.

Hang in there, girl. There are things you can try, at least. If you end up leaving, wouldn't it help you to know that you tried some new things to save your marriage and your family?

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: right here waiting] #418077
01/07/17 02:54 PM
01/07/17 02:54 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
I know this is a band aid only, but have you thought to put most of your texts on silent?

I keep my phone on 100% almost all the time specifically because of that kind of bullcrap behavior. It's just a lot more peaceful that way. And it's none of his business how many texts I get.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: right here waiting] #418086
01/07/17 05:57 PM
01/07/17 05:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
3
3leee3 Offline OP
New Member
3leee3  Offline OP
New Member
3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
Yes, whatever happens - I want to know that I tried everything before I am to throw in a white towel! And, I appreciate this site, for sure! Thanks for all the words!

His drinking was a lot worse when we first got together. And, now... it's not that he drinks Uncontrollably...It's just that one or two every two days or so. Every once in awhile when we are off and not communicating ... he may have 3 or 4 instead. But, when he does have the one or two ON HIS WAY HOME FROM WORK... Drives me crazy - cuz, I get on him about setting an example for our kids. His job is one where he could be called in and so he has really curtailed how much he consumes, anymore. UNLESS... he just got off a shift and knows it will be at least another 36 hrs before he has to work again and feels like having more

But, the verbal words.. the negativity of his words.. the pessimistic words are draining. And, when he makes an accusation or sees things in a delusional way... or makes a personal attack - that is hurtful... and then apologizes later for it! My girlfriend, is like "well at least he apologized" And, I'm like " Really?? Is that what we tell someone when they are physically abused?" !!!! It's emotional abuse!!

He and I got into a conversation last night about starting counseling and what we needed to discuss and he got defensive and closed off. Thought maybe I needed the counseling (haha) but, agreed he would go. So, we'll see what happens. I am positive it will be a game changer! He will either continue to go or get VERY defensive and not go back!

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: Miranda] #418087
01/07/17 06:05 PM
01/07/17 06:05 PM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
3
3leee3 Offline OP
New Member
3leee3  Offline OP
New Member
3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
Yes, I know.. I need to keep it on silent. But, I had just walked in from work and was looking for my charger... when he made that comment, " Oh, can't loose that" and laid the phone down to charge and start dinner.. forgetting to turn it down. BUT... on another note - when it's down, and my son isn't home - I'll end up missing his text for all the moving around I do as soon as I get in the door.
I can't win with the phone ..and I can't tell you how many text or calls I miss from everyone trying to juggle that tone. HAHA... my husband even complains I never answer my phone - Probably because it was in the off position from the night before to keep from alarming him!!
I'll get better at adjusting. THEN, heaven for bid - it will Look like I'm HIDING SOMETHING...it's how he assumes things all the time - DRIVES ME CRAZY!!

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: 3leee3] #418088
01/07/17 06:06 PM
01/07/17 06:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
Jeez, it's like I'm reading my own story! I got that same line about how I was the one who needed the counseling. And he never did participate in a meaningful way.

I hope it goes better for you than it did for me.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: Miranda] #418089
01/07/17 06:21 PM
01/07/17 06:21 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,383
midwest
I keep my phone on vibrate and in my pocket at all times. I extend my battery life by keeping my screen brightness turned down. I keep a charger at work and in my car and make sure I'm charged up to facilitate that keeping the phone in my pocket.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: Miranda] #418091
01/07/17 07:53 PM
01/07/17 07:53 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
You are focusing on specifics but you should be focusing on more basic items.

See you are in trouble with him no matter what you do, correct? He says up, you go up, he says you are wrong because you should have known he meant down.

Does he listen to others who say the same things instead of you? Does he tell you that you don't know stuff when you do?

Here's an example. You get a new dishwasher. Since you are renting, the property manager has it installed. There were problems with the installation so H had to help the guys (seriously, this just happened). The installers (2 guys), a service guy to rehook up the wire the installers broke and still the dishwasher isn't fully installed.

Service guy had to replace a 'wire' that the installers broke while installing the dishwasher.

Ok, never mind that inconvenience because the house is scheduled for a major remodel.......but the dishwasher is a cheap model, no place for a rinse agent and for some reason the heat cycle doesn't appear to be working. Y? Because the dishes and utensils are only partially dry. Puddles of water on the tops of some glasses and drips of water on some utensils and dishes. Same result when you use the dry cycle or not.

So I reported it to the property manager (lives right next door) and H. Did you know that I was wrong? The appliance company wrote down my cell # wrong and didn't call me back (this was after I spoke with them 3 different times).

I finally spoke with appliance store to answer some questions on the dishwasher (to help determine if a tech needed to come out). Lady said she would call back to make an appointment (that's when they miswrote my cell #, even though they had it right last week.

Ok, I'm waiting for the call. Next day (afternoon), the prop manager texts me that the appointment was made by H and could I please try to be there because I am the one who told her it wasn't working.

Now I'm a bit shocked because 1 I didn't make an appointment and 2 H never told me he spoke to anyone about an appointment to service the dishwasher.

I called H who was by now on a plane headed to Maui for the weekend to go and paint some store (yea......seems Maui doesn't have painters - he's a handyman).

H now tells me that he got a call in the morning and forgot to tell me. What?!??!? Oh wait, he forgets to tell me a lot of important stuff, in fact most important stuff.

Then he tells me he told the appliance shop that there is nothing wrong with the dishwasher but made an appointment for Monday afternoon. What?

Wait,it gets better. He then proceed to tell me (after he gets off the plane) that I don't know what I'm talking about. Hm.....let's see, he never ran or inspected the dishwasher. Yet from his chair in the living room he can tell the dishwasher is drying correctly? Amazing.

I ran this test (with the heat cycle on and not) several times over the last 2 weeks. Same results each time (no difference). I answered the appliance store's questions about the performance of the dishwasher. But to him, I was wrong, I didn't know what I was talking about.

Sigh......property manager had texted me and I looked real foolish yesterday. In fact since I found this out so late yesterday, I have to call that appliance store this morning to straighten out that appointment schedule and adjust my work schedule to now accommodate and take care of this fiasco.

Also, the prop manager must think we are nuts for all this mass confusion.

Now, that long story has a very familiar pattern. Right after that, another issue came up when I informed him I took my car into the shop to diagnose why it was creaking so much and now it was getting harder to steer. Needed power steering fluid (which should never happen) so I scheduled an appointment for next Tuesday. I was just informing him, again I'm the stupid one.......longer story......same ending.

For those who don't have one of these types of personalities in your own home, it maybe difficult to imagine how such simple tasks can turn into huge nightmares.

For some of us we experience this daily and in some cases more than once a day.

It's called emotional abuse and to deal with it is very difficult. There may be no physical scars but it does wear one down because the fix resides with a person/patient who doesn't care and in reality has little respect for the person or persons they deal with the most.

That is often the spouse. Then it usually trickles down to the children, pets, neighbors, co-workers, employees, etc.

I have a client like that. Seen him do that to his employees and wife. Justifies it each time. Eventually myself and others do a type of intervention but it requires more than one intervention and if he keeps it up, he will loose his company he has worked so hard to build. He has been given amazing opportunities but his anger issues just keep getting in the way of success.

H has also had opportunities but his anger, stubbornness and pride are his biggest obstacles. That in turn is hurting his relationships with his family and in this case even our property manager next door.

Whether H likes to admit it or not, he seems to have a problem with women who take charge and take care of things. He likes them when he needs something but doesn't like them when they have a differing opinion, right or wrong.

In this sense, I see him like his father who most of H's siblings despise for that very reason. FIL is a highly opinionated man and while mostly a smart guy, has let his sometimes arrogant attitude get in his way and has broken a lot of relationships as a result.

Trust me, I have sat in many a family meeting with the in-laws and watched it unfold live right in these meetings. One of them even had MIL on the floor curled up in the fetal position. Other times some have walked out. Each time FIL wondering what he said. Seriously.........he didn't know (or claimed to be in denial).

So watch the pattern, they abuse then deny then feebly apologize. Then do it all over again another day or even the same day.

It's a pattern and it isn't healthy.

Now at 83, FIL has broken his R with several of his children, is divorced from his W and even some of the in-laws (like me) don't communicate with him and he doesn't care.

Now I have H (54) going down the same path. The same path, I warned him that he could become when we were dealing with his parents (those family meetings) over a 15 years ago (preA and after).

The sad piece is that my warning back then is coming true and has been coming true for years. The A he had was part of that hardening of his attitude and while he knows it is a problem, seems he is not willing to put enough effort to fix it.

So he goes in and out of being tolerable at best. Most others haven't a clue. The side they see for the most part is the nice and smart guy. Soliciting praises all over the place. Except for the instances like our property manager who gets to experience his real side. I feel bad for her.

Btw, those are just 2 out of at least 4 separate other major issues that happened just this past week. Exhausting? You bet. Same pattern though......

Things will be changing soon........

Sound familiar?

Orchid

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: Orchid2] #418097
01/08/17 12:14 AM
01/08/17 12:14 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
3
3leee3 Offline OP
New Member
3leee3  Offline OP
New Member
3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
Oh wow Orchid.

Does sound familiar. My H is 52...about to be 53. And, yes you nailed it ... anger, stubbornness and pride - they are all the qualities that have brought us to this point and for others that don't see what I know... See the charming, handsome guy - until they say something that offends him or his pride or makes him feel belittled. He does not like jabs (what some people do to just play...) With him it's an attack on him - for instance: He was working with my BILs on a deck. My brother came in from out of town to help out... came around the corner and said - "Look at these boys!..." And my husband was so offended. H was like, " sorry, no boys here - we are Men thank you!!" and went on and on and on and on about it later to me. And, reminds me of it when ever gets a chance. JUST knows my b, a retired cop, must have done a background check on him before we got married. REALLY?? so good for him if he did - but, he didin't.

It's exhausting even to talk or rehash.

Good luck to you Orchid and Miranda. I feel we are in the same Boat for sure. Good to have others that get me! XO

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: 3leee3] #418098
01/08/17 11:02 AM
01/08/17 11:02 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
....and thin skinned to boot!

During my then WS' A days, he went head to shoulder with 4 sheriff's deputies that were sent to our house when he decided to call 911 for me throwing him out. Well, I actually threw his clothes out (this was after the 3rd false recovery and I was no longer going to back his stuff. Suits and all went flying onto the front lawn.

He threatened to call 911, then did so. Since he was pushing me around at the time, I let the 911 operator know he was pushing me. She sent 6 sheriff's deputies out there and on the sidewalk he thought he could show them up. Let's see, those deputies ranged from about 5'11" to 6'4" and the WS was only 5'7".

It was sad and embarrassing to see him carry on as such. Additionally when the 1st 2 cars drove up 4 out of the 6 deputies saw the WS push me into the doorway. I'm only 4'10" on a good day and well, that didn't go over so well. He got a 10 day RO and a 72 hour stint at the local jail along with his vehicle impounded. Plus an anger management class requirement.

It's not a memory he likes to rehash but since he hasn't learned from it, his current stance is to forget and not make improvements in his personality. That is where I fault him, he doesn't change because he sees no need to change.

I can recall all kinds of events that have caused us hurt but he pretends it wasn't his fault so why admit it and fix it?

That is why getting to the done stage is happening faster. He doesn't care.

That point is important because the sooner it is realized, the sooner the BS and family can make changes for their benefit.

Easier said than done. Often something called $$$$ gets in the way. For most of us, it is a survival factor to consider. frown

jmo,
Orchid

Re: Done. But feeling Guilty [Re: Orchid2] #418234
01/11/17 09:07 PM
01/11/17 09:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,726
HI
3lee,

How are you doing?

Orchid


Moderated by  Chrysalis, Fiddler, Miranda 

Newest Members
Broken19, Amadhy, Farnell, 805bail, Marcin
2043 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Just updating... things do get better over time.5
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Affair World1
expired security certificate1
....micro-cheating is a thing in relationships, and here are the signs it's happening1
Warning MA Not Safe Message Keeps Popping Up4
Save Marriage After Exposure1
Save Marriage After Exposure223
Share and enjoy!1
Things men want3
Community Information
2043Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8475Topics
461816Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.024s Queries: 14 (0.004s) Memory: 3.3250 MB (Peak: 3.6680 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2019-10-21 18:27:36 UTC