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And life goes on..... #414228
09/29/16 02:19 PM
09/29/16 02:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 654
MaidUpName Offline OP
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I've decided to make a new start. My original thread is too focused on the ending of my marriage, his affair, our struggles and all things infidelity related.

So a new theead is in order, a place where I can muse on all things everyday and look for advice, support, guidance etc. on stuff that has nothing to do with infidelity.

And what prompted this?

loads of things -

* life is no longer controlled or defined by his actions and infidelity
* we have successfully moved into a much better more positive place
* I've accepted that our future no longer needs him and his choices going forward are irrelavent.
* I have two of the most fantastic boys who are achieving wonderful things and I want to share their achievement and struggles without it always coming back to their Father's choices and actions

And there's so much more.

But today In particular I've come face to face with how well we've managed over the last year and how not having a father in their lives hasn't held them back.

Ds13 is in his second year in a all boys Jesuit school. The transition from primary to secondary was a pretty steep learning curve complicated by a change in language, no friends from his primary school and a 45 min. commute into the city on a public bus.

To complicate things, I was in training full time last year so I was managing my studies, all household and parenting tasks and co-ordinating two boys in two different schools 20 miles from each other.

And we made it work grin

Today I got a message from DS13 to say he had been awarded three ties for special achievement within the school last year. Every year the school have a ceremony which recognizes special achievements/effort. The school ethos is "to be a man for all men" and the ties are awarded to students who in the opinion of teachers and senior students have worked towards and achieved that principle.

DS was awarded a tie for social justice - he worked with a school based charity to raise funds for less well off and local children living in poverty.

He was awarded a tie for co-cirrucular achievements, he won two national awards for drama last year and had a lead role in the school musical.

And he was awarded a tie for research and presentation skills for a history project he completed and presented to the public over a three day event.

And all of this while keeping up with his studies and dealing with A new and evolving family environment.

The ties can be worn in school and are a visual sign of what a student has achieved.

I'm so so proud of him. He struggles academically and is severly dyslexic so will probably never achieve a tie for academic excellence but quite frankly, I'd far rather he was recognized for his social conscience and willingness to help others around him.

It would appear that not having his father involved really hasn't held him back grin

MUN


Last edited by MaidUpName; 09/29/16 02:20 PM.

You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: MaidUpName] #414230
09/29/16 02:33 PM
09/29/16 02:33 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Thanks for sharing such wonderful news. Congratulations to your son. And to his mother.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: MaidUpName] #414232
09/29/16 03:48 PM
09/29/16 03:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
I think this is a great milestone!


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: AntigoneRisen] #414233
09/29/16 04:18 PM
09/29/16 04:18 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,015
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SmilingWife Offline
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Wow Mun I am very impressed!

Re: And life goes on..... [Re: MaidUpName] #414243
09/29/16 10:31 PM
09/29/16 10:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,681
HI
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Orchid2 Online
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HI
Wow Mun,

Glad you started this new thread. While I always saw your other thread as upbeat and positive, this one will certainly take you and your boys to new heights. smile

Very proud of what you and your boys are accomplishing. You are raising good and fine young men. Their internal challenges exist but you have shown them that they can shine no matter what.

You have made my day with this post. Right now our current national news and even close to home news are filed with such chaotic issues. Many can't see the forest for the trees an a few of them keep bumping into the branches then complaining the trees should be cut down (metaphor being used here). We get told that we are a bad group of folks living in what is claimed to be worse than a 3rd world country. Howz that for moral buildling?!?!?!? Sigh..... the babble goes on...... eek

Still through all the negativity, it is nice to read about the accomplishments and positive attitudes of others. You and your family have served well in that regard.

Keep up the good work, so proud of you all. thumbsup

Hugz to you and your boys,
Orchid

Re: And life goes on..... [Re: Orchid2] #414244
09/30/16 12:58 AM
09/30/16 12:58 AM
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Posts: 4,375
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Blair Online
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What a beautiful post! Your DS13 has such a clear understanding of social issues and as well as empathy and deep compassion. I am very impressed with him and how you are raising him. Congrats on all the ties!

Re: And life goes on..... [Re: Blair] #414248
09/30/16 06:37 AM
09/30/16 06:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,417
catperson Offline
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Very nice!

Re: And life goes on..... [Re: catperson] #414251
09/30/16 12:13 PM
09/30/16 12:13 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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NewEveryDay  Offline
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Wow MuN that is amazing stuff right there!!! Thanks for sharing. Those are ways of thinking and being that your sons will carry with them for a lifetime smile


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: NewEveryDay] #414257
09/30/16 01:47 PM
09/30/16 01:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 654
MaidUpName Offline OP
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And in other news.....

Got a call from DS10's school to let me know he had run into another child in the playground, she has a broken tooth and he has an egg sized lump on his head.

Now I have to watch for signs of concussion shocked


You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: MaidUpName] #414260
09/30/16 02:30 PM
09/30/16 02:30 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,356
midwest
Miranda Online
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Originally Posted By: MaidUpName
And in other news.....

Got a call from DS10's school to let me know he had run into another child in the playground, she has a broken tooth and he has an egg sized lump on his head.

Now I have to watch for signs of concussion shocked


Boys!!!


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: Miranda] #414271
10/01/16 12:46 PM
10/01/16 12:46 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
star*fish Offline
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MUN,

I'm glad to see you and the boys thrive and flourish despite the challenges and losses. I know this wasn't the outcome you were looking for, but from the beginning, you have handled this situation with class and intelligence. Independence is fulfilling for you and incredibly attractive to others. You are providing the inspiration and model that your boys need to accomplish their goals.

dance dance dance


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: star*fish] #414385
10/05/16 02:10 PM
10/05/16 02:10 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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star*fish Offline
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Just checking in smile


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: star*fish] #414397
10/05/16 04:29 PM
10/05/16 04:29 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 654
MaidUpName Offline OP
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Thanks all

Today was one of those days when I honestly believe I can feel the universe shifting in my favour.

The workplacement I did over the summer didn't turn into a full time job but they asked me to cover off some annual leave last week and this week.

Today I was asked to take a position up to Dec. 2. A minor battle about hourly rates resulted if me getting a reasonable rate with a promise to review should things continue on beyond December.

It's 25 hours a week, 10 minutes from home 8.30 to 1.30 so doesn't require childcare. We can make this one work too smile

And I've been having an ongoing battle with DS13s school about their unilateral decision to drop him from higher level maths to ordinary level. I'm having none of it and turned into THAT Mum! Today they agreed to put him back into higher level and provide support to cover off what he has missed in the last month. I'll work with him evenings and weekends to make sure he keeps up to speed - I did maths for my first year in University so reckon I shouldn't find this too challenging!

And in general things are good. My Dad is settling back home, we have 5 hours a day nursing support so my Mum isn't trying to manage everything herself. Now that she can leave him and know he's safe she's started connecting with some of her old friends and doing things for herself. I don't believe he'll be able to stay at home long term but for now, this is working.

So basically all good here, lots of change and lots of new challenges but I think for now the universe is smiling on us smile

MUN


You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: MaidUpName] #414398
10/05/16 04:49 PM
10/05/16 04:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,945
holdingontoit Offline
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So glad to hear.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: holdingontoit] #414401
10/05/16 05:27 PM
10/05/16 05:27 PM
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Posts: 10,015
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SmilingWife Offline
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MUN that job sounds perfect. I love it when financial issues coincide positively with family issues.

Last edited by SmilingWife; 10/05/16 07:23 PM.
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: MaidUpName] #414409
10/05/16 07:09 PM
10/05/16 07:09 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,681
HI
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Orchid2 Online
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HI
Good news!!!!

Very happy for you and your boys.

Thanks for the update. smile

Orchid

Re: And life goes on..... [Re: Orchid2] #414412
10/05/16 11:23 PM
10/05/16 11:23 PM
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Blair Online
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Sounds like that update is all great news!

Re: And life goes on..... [Re: Blair] #414413
10/06/16 12:07 AM
10/06/16 12:07 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,417
catperson Offline
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Good progress.

Re: And life goes on..... [Re: catperson] #414414
10/06/16 01:45 AM
10/06/16 01:45 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,400
whatsupdoc? Offline
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So happy for your mother. She needs the professional support to recharge her batteries, so to speak, and regroup with her friends.

Glad about your career opportunities, too. Sounds great.

WuD?


Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: whatsupdoc?] #414451
10/06/16 10:54 PM
10/06/16 10:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,979
star*fish Offline
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So glad to hear!


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: star*fish] #414773
10/14/16 06:17 PM
10/14/16 06:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 654
MaidUpName Offline OP
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Week one down and my brain is melted!!

I'm techy, I can program an ATM, rebuild a laptop/PC, convince a customer why they need to invest in technology etc. but NEVER in my working career have I had to deal with so much data/data analysis.

I got three days training and was on my own today eek.

And I think everything went ok. At least, nobody came hurtling over to me as I sent out the reports telling me I'd made a complete arse of them. (But then again I left at 1.30 smile )

But it's hard going and there seems to be so many balls to keep in the air. Unfortunately I can no longer rely on my Mum to help out to the same extent as my Dad is deteriorating fast so now it really is all up to me!

Ds10 is in good shape, living in the here and now and just generally getting on with life. He's my sanity - always upbeat, always fun.

DS13 is in a funny place - teenage hormones kicking in in a major way. It's his birthday at the end of the month and he has heard nothing from his father. As I said to him, he told him he wanted nothing to do with him, he can't now get upset that he was taken at his word. That said, his Father is supposedly an adult and one would have hoped that he might make some effort to rebuild the relationship.

DS is being kept rediculously busy between school and extra curricular activities. He's involved in two school musicals, performing in the junior one and doing scenery and stage hand for the senior one. He's also very involved in the local scout group, does swimming and life saving and now is taking two extra maths classes a week and working with me every evening to get him back to higher level. He's been very good about it - the two extra classes are before school and he has to be on a bus at 7am which means having to be up about 6.15. They're long days for both him and me!

But basically we're making it work. Tonight they have swimming so I'm up in the sports club waiting for them to finish and we're going to order dinner in the bar. One dinner of burgers and chips won't do them any harm and it means that not only do I not have to cook, I don't have to clean up either!

MUN


You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: MaidUpName] #415246
10/24/16 01:43 PM
10/24/16 01:43 PM
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Posts: 654
MaidUpName Offline OP
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The boys birthdays always seem to throw me into a downwards spiral.

Today DS turns 14. I remember the day he was born so vividly, his birth cemented our little family - we were now parents, we had someone other than ourselves to think about. We were "a family"

And I believed that family was rock solid and that we could battle through anything that came our way. And we had our fair share of ups and downs and I thought we were a pretty good team.

Until infidelity and entitlement reared their ugly heads!

This weekend WD was here. DS agreed to meet him for about an hour - he's a pretty typical kid, he wanted a birthday present from his father. So he got a 15 iTunes voucher and a fridge magnet! Thankfully he has my dark sense of humour and outwardly at least, rather than being hurt by his father's complete lack of imagination he saw the funny side.

But I'm hurt on his behalf. It was so thoughtless and showed a total disinterest in DSs hobbies and interests. Something small for scouts or that he could use for his craft or art activities would at least have been useful, not to mention the fact that his father earns a substantial income and very little of it is spent on the boys.

I can't help wondering where exactly it all went wrong frown .

This week is chaotic. DS once again has a principle role on his school musical and they're playing to a packed theatre next Friday - Sunday. He's in rehersals every night until 9 and I'm going to have to drag Ds10 out with me to collect him as it's not safe for him to get the bus home that late at night.

It's times like this I really miss having someone else just to help out with the practicalities.

Ok, sorry, not quite so upbeat but today I'm just sad and missing the future I believed we would be able to give the boys.

MUN

Last edited by MaidUpName; 10/24/16 02:02 PM. Reason: 'Cause I can't type!

You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: MaidUpName] #415252
10/24/16 01:59 PM
10/24/16 01:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,945
holdingontoit Offline
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You are giving your boys an excellent home and family. Not the one you aimed for, but a vital one nonetheless. And WD is giving them life lessons too. Probably not the ones he thinks he is. But those are valuable as well. Your boys will be less naive than they would have been if WD were not WD. Think about silver linings. You will never know what awful fate your boys might have succumbed to if they had not been given the bitter knowledge that life is not fair and people you love can hurt you. Both of which are true, even if we usually try to ignore them.

Sometimes God makes your car break down so you aren't there to get in a fatal car crash. If you only focus on the meeting you missed and the cost of a new tyre, it can be frustrating.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: holdingontoit] #415268
10/24/16 06:31 PM
10/24/16 06:31 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
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whatsupdoc? Offline
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I can understand the disinterest, sometimes it is like the WS (or in my case xh) completely forgets his past life.

When people get the info about the affair, they usually play Switzerland, really no one wants to take sides nor get involved.

When they hear about the treatment of our girls, I've had people ask; "Are these his BIOLOGICAL children?"

I guess many are simply surprised that a father could show such disregard for his own offspring.

Last edited by whatsupdoc?; 10/24/16 06:32 PM.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
Ratz.
I am learning how to surf!
Re: And life goes on..... [Re: whatsupdoc?] #415273
10/24/16 07:15 PM
10/24/16 07:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 654
MaidUpName Offline OP
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Thanks Hold and WUD.

Hold, I know you're right and n general, I always do see the bright side of things. In fact, one of WD accusations was that I was too optimistic. As a friend of mine said, it takes a special type of person to see being optimistic as a bad thing!

So today has ended well. DS was excused from rehersal as it's his birthday and he is basically on top of things. So he got home early and we ordered pizza and broke all the rules and had it in front of the TV with a few cans of coca cola smile. DS doesn't think having his birthday on a Monday is quite so bad after all!

Another 6am start tomorrow so I'm going to get them and me into bed soon. I guess I've sucessfully completed another milestone day on my own.

MUN


You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own and you know what you know
And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go
Dr Seuss
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