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7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage #377501
02/26/15 04:18 PM
02/26/15 04:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,063
SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline OP
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Mark1952  Offline OP
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Quote:
In their book, Fighting for Your Marriage, Dr. Markman and Dr. Stanley identify what they call the 4 warning signs that reflect the deterioration of a relationship: escalation of negativity, invalidation, negative interpretation and avoidance and withdrawal. These are the first 4 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage.


7 Deadly Sins That Will Destroy Your Marriage


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: Mark1952] #377509
02/26/15 04:33 PM
02/26/15 04:33 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline
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Marta  Offline
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Ok, I'm going to disagree with this one:

5. Saying "no"

Humility, love and trust are needed to be brave enough to never say "no" to your spouse. Selfishness will always be revealed as the main reason a person says "no" to her partner. Develop the habit of saying "yes" to every request of your spouse to combat the deadly sin of saying "no." As you and your spouse mutually adopt this philosophy into your marriage, the love and excitement in your relationship will grow deeper and more meaningful.


Or at least my therapist has given me the assignment before to find ways that I can say no, I don't want to do that. So either my therapist is wrong or the article is....

Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: Marta] #377511
02/26/15 04:44 PM
02/26/15 04:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
Good god on #5, saying "no." Boundaries are healthy. Refusing to discuss and resolve problems (stonewalling) is not healthy, but boundaries are.

Selfishness is not a bad thing. It's only bad when you get out of balance with the needs of the self and the needs of your spouse (or others). Always saying yes is a sign of a very poor relationship with yourself.

Horrible advice. Wretched.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: AntigoneRisen] #377514
02/26/15 04:47 PM
02/26/15 04:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,384
midwest
Miranda Offline
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I agree. I read this and was absolutely APPALLED. The author of this piece is completely and utterly off their rocker. I literally drove myself into the ground and ruined my health trying to do this. It's a recipe for disaster. It builds an incredibly UNHEALTHY relationship dynamic that is brutally difficult if not impossible to fix.

This relationship "expert" ought to be drawn and quartered.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: Miranda] #377519
02/26/15 05:21 PM
02/26/15 05:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,063
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Mark1952 Offline OP
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Mark1952  Offline OP
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So, what things would you say "no" to?


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: Miranda] #377520
02/26/15 05:22 PM
02/26/15 05:22 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
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peppermint Offline
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This MIGHT be good advice if both partners were equally invested in the relationship. My husband rarely says no to me, because I rarely ask him to do anything he might say no to. I don't say no often either, but we both agree that we can always say no at any time for any reason.

On second thought, it is HORRIBLE advice. Too much opportunity for one partner to misuse the other.

Last edited by peppermint; 02/26/15 05:23 PM. Reason: Need my reading glasses
Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: Mark1952] #377531
02/26/15 06:02 PM
02/26/15 06:02 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
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Marta Offline
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Originally Posted By: Mark1952
So, what things would you say "no" to?



Now, this is probably just me and the way I am wired. However, as I told my husband my automatic response when he asks me something is yes or ok. I mean, it is knee jerk. So let us take an example from last summer. It has been a crazy summer. He has been gone with middle on a trip, VBS, then I would be going on a 2 week camp with my daughter. In the middle of all this is July 4th. Hubby asks if it is ok if we get together with his uncle and his family.. Automatically, ok, sure.. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I wanted time with him..maybe a date and then just to relax at home. I brought this up later and hubby said, no big deal and told his uncle no thanks.

I've given him a head rub almost every night one week. He asks me to give him one on a night that I'm really tired. I feel like I should be able to say no, I'm just too tired tonight.

Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: Mark1952] #377532
02/26/15 06:03 PM
02/26/15 06:03 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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Originally Posted By: Mark1952
So, what things would you say "no" to?



Anything, actually. It depends on the circumstance. I don't drop everything I'm doing.

However, if it requires me to cross my boundaries - to do something unhealthy for me either mentally, physically, or emotionally - the answer is no...and that answer will not change.

To quote a meme that one of our FB admins posted recently, "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm."

Last edited by AntigoneRisen; 02/26/15 06:05 PM.

Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: AntigoneRisen] #377536
02/26/15 06:28 PM
02/26/15 06:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,384
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Miranda  Offline
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Originally Posted By: AntigoneRisen


To quote a meme that one of our FB admins posted recently, "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm."


I missed that one. And it's one I shouldn't have. Because that's one I need to write in permanent marker on my mirror..


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: Miranda] #377572
02/26/15 11:53 PM
02/26/15 11:53 PM
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Blair Offline
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Me too! (Getting out a Sharpie...)

Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: Blair] #377576
02/27/15 12:20 AM
02/27/15 12:20 AM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
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ohmy_marie Offline
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maybe the NO advice was more for couples who frequently say NO to their partners? maybe there are more NO couples out there than YES couples?

I used to be the queen of NO. I didn't want to be bothered doing things I really wasn't invested in doing... YOLO, right? what I didn't realize was how my H was interpreting my NO-- that I was boring and never wanted to do anything. Now I try to say YES to his requests. Going to a hockey game or out for an occasional ice cream hasn't killed me yet.

Not saying I'd set myself on fire to keep him warm-- but I'm willing to share my blanket.


may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: ohmy_marie] #377585
02/27/15 01:51 AM
02/27/15 01:51 AM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
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peppermint Offline
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I know what you mean about saying no. I did not (and still don't really) understand why my husband would expect me to spend hours attending sports events that I had absolutely no interest in watching, especially when he could go with his buddies and they would have a blast. I mean I would not even think of requiring him to go shoe shopping or to chick flicks with me because I know he would not enjoy it. But because it is a big deal to him I go sometimes, and sometimes I don't. He demands less and I volunteer more. Compromise.

Re: 7 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage [Re: peppermint] #377609
02/27/15 01:58 PM
02/27/15 01:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,384
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Miranda  Offline
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Maybe what the author was trying to describe is that you should be "coming from a place of yes" in your relationship.

I don't know if you all are familiar with this or not. I heard it described in relation to parenting, but I think it really applies in all relationships that you want to foster (marital, business etc) The idea here is that you want to really help the other person get what they want and need. You want to find ways to say "yes" to them as often as possible (without causing anyone harm or to be put in harms way, and please note that anyone includes you!)

The other person learns they can count on you to be "on their side" and working WITH them to get what they want. This works out really well with folks who tend to be oppositional or defiant. And when they do get a "no" it stings less because they feel like you WANTED to say "yes" and were invested in it with them.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg

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