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I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. #374
08/31/10 06:24 PM
08/31/10 06:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5
Michigan
Snowgoer Offline OP
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This post makes me sick just to type it.
My husband and I became friends with a new neighbor. She is 23.
The short story is she became "Friendly" with my husband, and I noticed it.
I brought it to his attention and he laughed at me and told me she is way to young for him, and not to worry.
As the weeks went on, she started to hang out at our house more and was helping me with some of my craft shows. She made several comments that she wanted to move away from the area and find a new job.
My daughter is an Ass. Manager at a C-Store up north were my other home is. I was thinking I could rent out my house to her if she were to get a job there, and she would be away from this home in southern MI.
She got hired, she moved into my home up North, and I thought all was well.
WRONG. I found some old test messages on his phone, and called them both on the carpet at the same time. He told me she had a crush on him back in April, and he shut her down. She never said a word.
I kept this in the back of my mind but let it go.
4th of July weekend I had a craft show up north and went back to my up north house with my husband. The next morning I asked this girl if she wanted to ride with me to a store about a hour away. She declined saying she had to get some sleep because she has to work all night.
My husband was out mowing the yard and I made it clear to him that I was not happy about him being there with her. He told me not to worry about it, he was going to be all day mowing, so we could leave to get back down state. My gut feeling lead me to set up my video camera. I did so, and left.
I came back about a hour or so later, she was leaving to go to work, he was mowing.
He came in the house and said he had to run to the neighbors for a second.
I started watching the tape. OH MY GOD, I am just sick.
They both have lied to me, he had sex with her in my house!!!!! And both of them were heard on the tape saying bad things about me, making fun of me, and it hurts real real bad.
I am not sure what I am going to do from here.
I confronted him about it, blew a nut on him, called her at her job and let her have it, and left. I drove back down to our other home, by myself.
He came back down the next day, and he is still here.
I am a Christian woman, and I have turned this over the God.
My friend told me about you guys and thought telling my story could help make right choices.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Snowgoer] #377
08/31/10 06:43 PM
08/31/10 06:43 PM
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catperson Offline
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Wow. So sorry. The first thing I would do is tell her mother and father. She is still young enough that getting yelled at by your parents is NO FUN. That might stop it.

Then, take the tape to your lawyer's for safe keeping. If you don't have one, take it to your safe deposit box. If not that, then your work, so he can't get hold of it.

Then you sit down with him and tell him you will LET him stay with you under these conditions: He writes her a No Contact letter that YOU see and send; if he refuses, he moves out. He gives you his phone and computer any time you want so you can check to see if they are in contact; if he ever refuses, he moves out. You two choose some sort of marriage counseling that he agrees to go to until you feel safe again; if he ever refuses (within reason), he moves out.

You can divorce later, but you don't have to accept him cheating while he lives in your house.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Snowgoer] #378
08/31/10 06:45 PM
08/31/10 06:45 PM
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Florida
Gladstone Offline
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Snow, I am so sorry to hear this. Welcome to the website, although obviously the circumstances that brought you here are not good. frown

Did you say this all happened over the July 4th weekend? That would make it about two months ago? What is the situation right now - he is living at home with you? Is he still, to your knowledge, carrying on with this woman? Is he apologetic at all about the situation? Does he say he wants to stay married, or has he asked for a divorce, or does he just act as though nothing happened?

And what do YOU want? If you and your husband could repair the marriage and restore trust over time, would you want to stay in it?

The answers to these questions will help people find the right advice for your situation.

Again, I'm so sorry about what brought you here.


**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus**

"There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots."

Glad Tidings

Gladstone's Sucess Story
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Gladstone] #388
08/31/10 08:15 PM
08/31/10 08:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline
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Snow,

Take a look at this program A New Beginning from Family Dynamics. It isn't cheap but is certainly cheaper than paying lawyers to dissolve a marriage. It is a Christian based program and uses resources from a variety of places and the weekend course is led by trained professionals and includes follow up after the weekend is over.

Mark


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Mark1952] #498
09/01/10 06:16 AM
09/01/10 06:16 AM
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star*fish Offline
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Snow,

Have you confronted your husband about what you discovered? What's his reaction? I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and I can't even imagine how painful it must be. Your marriage probably can survive this, however, at this point....you're probably too hurt and confused to make a decision about that. Much of that will depend on your husband's willingness to work hard in recovery and your ability to forgive him. I'm keeping you in my prayers tonight.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Snowgoer] #506
09/01/10 07:09 AM
09/01/10 07:09 AM
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The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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frown

Welcome. I can imagine that you are going through inner turmoil. In this time, it is important to let your faith and your family relationships strengthen you. Very little that can be said right now will provide any great degree of comfort. It does help a bit to know that you are not alone. This does not necessarily mean the end of your marriage, either.

Do you still have a copy of the tape? I'm asking because it may come in helpful to you as you work out a strategy.

How is he reacting to the situation?

The most important thing you can do right now is to take care of your emotions. Yes, you have them. Yes, they are valid. However, it is important to take care to make decisions based on reason and a plan rather than upon your inner turmoil.


Last edited by AntigoneRisen; 09/01/10 07:10 AM.

Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: AntigoneRisen] #508
09/01/10 07:12 AM
09/01/10 07:12 AM
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The Dark Side of the Moon
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Quote
Then, take the tape to your lawyer's for safe keeping. If you don't have one, take it to your safe deposit box. If not that, then your work, so he can't get hold of it.


Copies would not be out of the question.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Gladstone] #520
09/01/10 12:25 PM
09/01/10 12:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5
Michigan
Snowgoer Offline OP
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He is still living down state with me, He has not had contact with her much at all, except for a couple of times when he talked to her in front of me. ( Just about problems at our house she is staying in) I am not sure if he wants to stay married he has not said, but he is still here, and dose not talk about going up north. I do know that he is back smoking pot all the time, and he has some other behavior issues that bug me. Nothing real bad, its just I feel he is sneaky- even if he is not being. I guess it is because I hurt so bad and don't trust him AT ALL!
What bothers me is that he don't make any attempt to get her out of my other house, she makes no attempt to get out of there, I did tell her parents, and they don't care what she does. I am trying to do all the right things, because I don't want to have anyone come down on me that I did not try. That is why I am here. I know you all have been down the road, or have good insight. I will tell you that I believe that God will handle this as well. I trust in what he says, I have to.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Snowgoer] #522
09/01/10 01:01 PM
09/01/10 01:01 PM
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weaves Offline
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Hi Snow!

I was going to try and stay off of this thread because of our close friendship, and I feel I might be too close to the sitch to be objective...but I feel that you should go ahead and take matters into your own hands to get her out of your house.

I think that you need to feel that you have some control over what is taking place in your own life. I know how much that house has meant to you, the emotional attachments and memories that you and your family have there, and that she is living in it, rent free, with designs on your husband is going to put you into a depression and sense of hopelessness that is going to harm you further than what harm has already been done.

Is it important to you that he be the one to get her out of there? Is that why you are waiting for him to do it?


Last edited by weaves; 09/01/10 01:01 PM.
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: weaves] #530
09/01/10 01:33 PM
09/01/10 01:33 PM
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weaves Offline
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Anger is not always a bad thing, if it is used constructively and if it catapults you into productive action.

Far better than trying to keep a lid on it to where it ends up being turned inward into depression and health problems.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: weaves] #538
09/01/10 02:19 PM
09/01/10 02:19 PM
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If you own the house, get hold of your lawyer TODAY and EVICT her!

Have you told HIS parents what he did? His siblings? Best friend?

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: catperson] #562
09/01/10 03:48 PM
09/01/10 03:48 PM
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AntigoneRisen Offline
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Originally Posted by catperson
If you own the house, get hold of your lawyer TODAY and EVICT her!


I agree in principle. You need to do some research and ascertain if, and when, you can evict her. When does her lease expire? Is the house titled in your name, your husband's name, or both? If it's titled in his name or both names, and she has a valid lease, you may have to wait until the lease expires and refuse to renew it. I'd call an attorney for a consultation. The laws vary by state.

Hopefully Kittycat will come out here and comment on the rental aspect, as she has a lot of experience in this area. I've requested that she come here. We will see.

Quote
Have you told HIS parents what he did? His siblings? Best friend?


Also a tool. I'd say we need to first start with ascertaining what he's going to do without that step being taken.

Last edited by AntigoneRisen; 09/01/10 04:01 PM.

Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Snowgoer] #563
09/01/10 03:59 PM
09/01/10 03:59 PM
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The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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Originally Posted by Snowgoer
He is still living down state with me, He has not had contact with her much at all, except for a couple of times when he talked to her in front of me. ( Just about problems at our house she is staying in)


Time to find an intermediary for this communication. I gather you don't use a property management company. Is that something you can consider (if you can't evict her)?

Quote
I am not sure if he wants to stay married he has not said,


What has he said about the situation?

Quote
but he is still here, and dose not talk about going up north.


That's something, really. He followed you and has stayed there.

Quote
I do know that he is back smoking pot all the time, and he has some other behavior issues that bug me.


Can you be more precise by "all the time"? How often, what quantity, and how does it affect his behavior?

Quote
Nothing real bad, its just I feel he is sneaky- even if he is not being. I guess it is because I hurt so bad and don't trust him AT ALL!


Good that you don't trust him. You shouldn't. That trust has been betrayed. I'd be concerned if you said you did trust him right now.

I put a post out here about trust. I'd like you to read it. smile

Quote
What bothers me is that he don't make any attempt to get her out of my other house,


Have you mentioned this to him? When did you discover the affair, and for how long did it last?

Quote
she makes no attempt to get out of there


No reason why she should attempt to leave that I can see. I'm talking here about what would motivate her to do something.

Quote
I am trying to do all the right things, because I don't want to have anyone come down on me that I did not try.


Let's start with what you want. At this point, what would you like to see happen?

Quote
I will tell you that I believe that God will handle this as well. I trust in what he says, I have to.


Keep your faith and let it strengthen you while you take the actions you need to take to heal yourself and deal with your situation. I did when I went through a similar situation. It helps.

Last edited by AntigoneRisen; 09/01/10 04:00 PM.

Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: AntigoneRisen] #994
09/04/10 04:56 AM
09/04/10 04:56 AM
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Texas
Larry Offline
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How long have you been married? Do you have kids together?

You have some decisions to make, starting with "Is he worth it?"

And that question is answered by looking at what you have emotionally invested in the relationship to date.

Something is out of whack here and I cannot come up with a question that would let me get a glimpse. So tell us a bit more about yourself, what kind of husband you have, like does he work and if so at what kind of job, etc.


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Larry] #1023
09/04/10 04:36 PM
09/04/10 04:36 PM
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At the very least, she needs to get out of your home. I would start there. It is hurtful and disrespectful to you that she is living there.


Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: believer] #1054
09/04/10 09:57 PM
09/04/10 09:57 PM
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Pacific NW
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Evict her. I am assuming you do not have a written rental agreement. Start here:

1. Call her up and tell her she has to be out by ___________
2. If she is not out by your date, then you have to do it legally
3. She has squatters rights but if she does not know her rights you could bribe her with money to leave.
4. Get the courts to serve a "writ" to get her out. You may need to contact an attorney to help you with this.

If you are not willing or not brave enough to evict her than you will not be brave enough to save your marriage. You MUST get her outta your lives.


Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Kittycat] #1059
09/04/10 11:33 PM
09/04/10 11:33 PM
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kittycat is right and she's had lots of experience with squatters. You've got to get tough with her. Because she's still so young, I think one more thing you can do is call her mama and daddy if you can find them.

Last edited by star*fish; 09/04/10 11:34 PM.

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Kittycat] #1224
09/06/10 04:55 PM
09/06/10 04:55 PM
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The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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Thanks so much for showing up! My experience with renters is nothing compared to your own. smile


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: AntigoneRisen] #1411
09/07/10 10:28 PM
09/07/10 10:28 PM
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OurHouse Offline
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Snowgoer, where did you go?

She only made two posts. I hope she's ok.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: weaves] #1441
09/08/10 01:15 AM
09/08/10 01:15 AM
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Michigan
Snowgoer Offline OP
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Hello Sister, I don't know what I am waiting for. I am just letting things settle down, and see what the days bring. I just take one day at a time, try to breath, and do my thing. That is it. I just don't want to make any major choices based on emotions. I know you care, and I love you for that.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: AntigoneRisen] #1442
09/08/10 01:18 AM
09/08/10 01:18 AM
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Michigan
Snowgoer Offline OP
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She does not have a lease, we moved her into the house under the thoughts that she would stay there and and pay us something to help with the house payment. I got her the job she has, and I did not know she was sleeping with my husband.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Larry] #1445
09/08/10 01:29 AM
09/08/10 01:29 AM
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Michigan
Snowgoer Offline OP
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Hi Larry, Sorry i have not been on here much, I have been keeping busy.
My husband and I have been together for going on 19 years this Oct. When I married him, he was fun, witty, loves to hunt, snowmobile, and he was just fun to be with. We do not have kids together, but I had two girls from my 1st marrige. He helped my raise them and they loved him. All the change started to happen a few years ago, when we were living in florida while our house was being rentavated. We were there for just about two years, then came back home. I noticed a change in his ways just before we came back. Then my brother had a stroke and he went back down to florida to help my brother with his business for a little while. I was told he was seeing a girl down there, and he did ask for a divorce. He then came back home just a few days after that conversation.
Then things kind of went back to normal. In 2009 he had to have a pace maker put in for a low heart rate. Days later the lead went through his heart and they had to repair it. All was well for a few weeks. Then we came down state for a visit and the lead went all the way through his heart again and he had major heart surgery. He died on the table two times. He has been strange since. Then he meant this girl in Feb of 2010. I posted what happend then.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Snowgoer] #1446
09/08/10 01:32 AM
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We always suggest that no one make any sudden decisions at first. It is fine to take some time to breathe and get support.

So this is really a double betrayal for you. You got her a job and let her move into your home.

No good deed goes unpunished.

So sorry this happened to you.

Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: believer] #1456
09/08/10 02:20 AM
09/08/10 02:20 AM
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{{{{Snow}}}}

I don't have anything to add other than WELCOME and I'm truly sorry about your situation. It is a hard path to be on......my prayers to you tonight....

Not2fun


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support. [Re: Not2fun] #1464
09/08/10 03:43 AM
09/08/10 03:43 AM
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Texas
Larry Offline
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Snow:

His reaction to his thoughts of death are strange. Cheating? I guess I sorta, maybe, understand. I understand a lot of things about which I don't approve.

A diagnosis is not allowed on the Internet. There IS a law somewhere spelling that out, so I am not gonna try to stick a label on what he is doing. But I would bet there is one. So it occurs to me that you might want to find a good shrink around your town to have a one session chat with. Ask him/her what the heck is going on.

He won't be back from vacation until the 12th or I would refer you to Al Turtle up in Idaho. He is known for being able to put a tag on off the wall stuff, more so than the average LPC. In my opinion, a good tag would let you deal with hubby better.

Let me explain why I think this is so strange.

See, I am either at your husband's age or past it. And I have a bunch of friends who are in the same boat. Entropy is killing us, literally. And all of us know all about not doing anything stupid that would hasten our appearance in front of St. Peter for any number of reasons you can imagine.

So we have this old guy who is having problems with a wire that comes loose and sticks him in the heart, whereupon he then gets to have a near death experience and has barely survived at least a couple of times this happening.

And he wants to do hot bunny sex with a 22 year old?????

I mean for real, not in his imagination. (or memories)

He actually DID hot bunny sex with a 22 year old? The man is out of his cotton picking mind.

Yea, yea, I have heard all the stories about guys who want to go out because a jealous husband shot them in the act and all that garbage. I don't know one guy who says that and means it.

I have lived long enough so that what people do doesn't surprise me very much, anymore. On this one, I am blown away.

Other than eat up with the stupids, I cannot imagine what is going on with this guy. Maybe someone here has a clue, I sure don't.

Larry

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