Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 4 guests, and 92 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.Cheating wife won’t admit affair5
2.Am I still a doormat?4
3.WuD? - Moving on.2
4.Learning about life from life........1
5.Save Marriage After Exposure1
6.How To Spot A Narcissist—And Deal With All Their Manipulative BS1
7.Article: My Husband Didn’t Come Home One Night1
8.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
9.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
10.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
7 Things Kids Need To Do For Themselves Before They Turn 13 - Healthyway1
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Coming to agreements #361987
09/04/14 02:42 PM
09/04/14 02:42 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
I'm not exactly sure how to do this. For the most part, over the years, we have pretty much wanted the same thing or I have just done what he wanted to do.. I don't know how to come to agreement on something when we think such different things.

Retirement: He is living for mission work and traveling around the world/ the US. Seriously, he is living for this right now. I think it is the only reason he gets up in the morning.

Now that I have had this part time job that is coming to an end shortly... I realize how much I have enjoyed it. I think I would like to just stay home and actually pursue a career, one that takes dedication.. I have so enjoyed all of the accolades I have gotten over the past couple of months. I'm pretty good at what I have been doing. What if I did that full time? I would need a little more training/schooling to be marketable but I could do it. But that would leave his dreams in the dust. I wish I didn't care about how he felt..

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #361990
09/04/14 02:53 PM
09/04/14 02:53 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
Member
CajunRose  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
Why does it have to be one or the other? I see tons of potential compromises, you just have to think outside of the box, and both of you have to be willing to give up something.

How close is he to retirement? What if retirement, or at least mission work and travel, is postponed for a few years so that you can have a turn building your career? If you can support the family with your new career, he doesn't necessarily have to work in the "delay" period; he can do projects around the house or take over homeschooling your daughter.

If he wants to do more long-term mission work, perhaps an alternate/rotating schedule could work - he spends 6-12 months doing mission work and then stays home with you for the next 6-12 months. A lot of military families do this - it's hard, but they make it work.

Or he can do shorter trips (a week or two) without you, spaced throughout the year. You'd need to decide together how much time you are willing to spend apart.

Maybe you can commit to X number of weeks off per year to go with him.

Is your career/skill set one that you could use in the area where he wants to do mission work? There's a lot of need for his skills in this country as well as overseas; he may be able to do a different kind of mission work within the US (where you could also pursue your career), but the two of you might need to move someplace else.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: CajunRose] #361993
09/04/14 03:07 PM
09/04/14 03:07 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Well to be a music minister I would need to get a new bachelor's degree. ( I majored in music for 2 years and then switched my degree to secondary ed so I have a lot of hours I would need for a music degree. I would need 2 years.) Then I would need seminary. Then I would have to find a church..

The other thing is that I don't know that I want to be a nomad. I like having relationships. I like seeing friends. The only friend my husband has is me, so he isn't missing anything. The only ties he has to the community are through me. ( other than his job, of course) He nearly died this summer when I was gone for 2 weeks at camp with my daughter. He couldnt' stand for me to be away that long, so I don't see him traveling without me... We had never been apart that long. He thought my previous time that was a week was too long.

Last edited by Marta; 09/04/14 03:08 PM.
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #362030
09/04/14 11:46 PM
09/04/14 11:46 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,042
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,042
Are you ok Marta?

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: SmilingWife] #362039
09/05/14 12:38 AM
09/05/14 12:38 AM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
P
peppermint Offline
Member
peppermint  Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
I really believe you need to be honest with him about your feelings about his future plans. Have you let him know about your uncertainty at all?

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: peppermint] #362062
09/05/14 11:49 AM
09/05/14 11:49 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Oh yes, I have let him know some. I told him that I was afraid of tagging along when he is doing locum tenems and then having nothing meaningful to do. He said I could volunteer at a church, soup kitchen, homeless shelter, etc. I guess I could but if we are only staying in one place for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, then I will barely figure out what I can do and start getting to know people when we would go somewhere else. He has started asking, now this is my dream, what do you want to do.. I don't really know and as I said I hate for me to ruin what he has basically been living for all of this time. He talks and dreams about it constantly.

SW, I'm better today.. All sorts of lawyer stuff going on, some bad news, on top of hubby being tired from hours. I knew he needed me to be supportive last night, but in the afternoon all I felt like doing was getting into the car and driving away from here as fast as I could.. I didn't. He managed to calm himself down before he got home. We had a nice family dinner. I held my game face together since he kept his on.

I'm sure my hormones are exasterbating this. My daughter had her period this week so I did to. Even though mine was 2 weeks ago. This is the third month in a row that I am now having periods ever two weeks. UGGHH I wish I could go back on birth control. She has me on progesterone. We will be reevaluating that when I go back in a couple of weeks. I cannot do estrogen since both times my mother had breast cancer they were estrogen sensitive. My grandmother had breast cancer as well. If I follow their lead, then I have 6 or 7 years until that happens....right when my husband is ready to start his retirement plans....

Thanks for asking. He's working all weekend. I'm going to get the house really clean..

Last edited by Marta; 09/05/14 12:16 PM.
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #362064
09/05/14 12:05 PM
09/05/14 12:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,042
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,042
I am fairly sure a large part of why you feel so bad is hormonal. I remember feeling that exact way. That is why I made the decision to take hormones even though my mom had estrogen sensitive bc too. There is a lot to be said for quality of life and being able to function enough to care for ones kids. Doc prescribed me low dose and I half that amount.

I am sorry for your family's legal problems. I know the stress of that must be overwhelming.

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: SmilingWife] #362081
09/05/14 01:45 PM
09/05/14 01:45 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
Member
CajunRose  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
It really sounds to me like your husband needs a lot of help. It is absolutely not healthy to be in the position he is now, miserable every single day and living solely for future plans, which may or may not be as rosy as he thinks they will be.

It's also unhealthy, IMO, for him to be so distraught when you are gone for a short time. I love my H and I don't like it when we are apart, but I wouldn't be falling to pieces if one of us were gone for a week or two or three. We'd talk on the phone/skype and text and make sure we had some contact, and then anticipate the time we could see each other again.

I'm glad you are starting to slowly speak up for yourself. He doesn't get to have his way 100% of the time - even though you've let him get away with that for years. Neither do you. It will take significant compromise from both of you to make anything like his plan work.

I think the first start is for him to find something he enjoys in your home town that makes his days better now - something that does not include you, your children, projects at your home, or work.

I honestly think you ought to go get your bachelor's degree in music. You can do that now while the two of you are here. It may open your eyes to other things you can do with that degree that you would also enjoy - things that may not require seminary or a church [in my denomination, at least, I don't think any of the music ministers I've known have been to seminary].

You can work toward your goal while keeping yourself open to other opportunities that may present themselves. At the same time, highly encourage your husband to get a life of his own.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #362109
09/05/14 05:03 PM
09/05/14 05:03 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,392
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,392
Originally Posted By: Marta
Oh yes, I have let him know some. I told him that I was afraid of tagging along when he is doing locum tenems and then having nothing meaningful to do. He said I could volunteer at a church, soup kitchen, homeless shelter, etc. I guess I could but if we are only staying in one place for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, then I will barely figure out what I can do and start getting to know people when we would go somewhere else. He has started asking, now this is my dream, what do you want to do.. I don't really know and as I said I hate for me to ruin what he has basically been living for all of this time. He talks and dreams about it constantly.


Marta, my dear, you've found yourself in a very tight spot as I see it.
Your H relies on you solely for companionship, psychological and spiritual support, household support, as well as you serving as his primary social connection.
That in no way sounds healthy for him or do-able for you.
Fulfilling his perceived needs and expectations sounds like a monumental task.
I doubt any one person could really do justice in fulfilling so much and doing so adequately to appease his neediness.

You, on the other hand, are able to glean much of this from multiple sources.
You have friends, you make friends easily, and enjoy the social contacts and interactions that permit you to be far less dependent on getting them from only one source: him.

Sounds like serious co-dependency dynamics, particularly on his part.

Would you consider counseling? Jointly?

You describe wanting, needing a 'home base,' a sense of rootedness in order to blossom yourself.

Your H on the other hand seems to desire little connection or continuity except for you. That is a HUGE burden on you to expect to fulfill.

In a strange way, it sounds like he is using his desire for traveling and missionary work to run away from something, some connection, rather than running toward a goal or purpose.

Just my thoughts.

Hugz, Marta! hug

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: TC_Manhattan] #362112
09/05/14 05:41 PM
09/05/14 05:41 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
We cannot go to counseling because the lawyer told him it would look bad for his case.

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #362113
09/05/14 05:49 PM
09/05/14 05:49 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,392
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,392
Originally Posted By: Marta
We cannot go to counseling because the lawyer told him it would look bad for his case.


Well, if you don't go it will look bad for your own future well-being, I think.

May be time for some cost/benefit analysis on all this with which you are faced.

What other ideas do you have for addressing such major discrepancies in expectations between the two of you?

Marta, I fear for you.

If you choose not to address all this, you may well find yourself one day hitting the proverbial 'wall.' Then you may want to walk away completely and give up. Resentment has a way of gathering steam silently and unsuspectingly until one day it becomes too much for which to make reparations.

You have given, and given up, so much.
Unhinge yourself from the unremitting psychological obligations.

You are not obliged...

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: TC_Manhattan] #362114
09/05/14 05:50 PM
09/05/14 05:50 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
I'm already going by myself to a therapist.

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: TC_Manhattan] #362115
09/05/14 05:51 PM
09/05/14 05:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
Member
CajunRose  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
Originally Posted By: TC_Manhattan
.In a strange way, it sounds like he is using his desire for traveling and missionary work to run away from something, some connection, rather than running toward a goal or purpose.


This is what was niggling at me, but TC expressed it so much better.

I think your H needs a life of his own at home. He has so much stress, no outlets but you, no real fun but family life and missionary work, and he sees the missionary work as his escape.

There's not a lot you can do for him except print out TC's email and ask him to think about the burden it is placing on you to meet all of those needs.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: CajunRose] #362117
09/05/14 05:58 PM
09/05/14 05:58 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
What is weird is that he is really, really good with people. His patients adore him. The ladies that work with him adore him because he isn't the stereotypical arrogant jerk that his profession is. He probably gives too much to be honest. He takes things that his patients do ( not following his instructions) as failings on his part and will try everything to help them... He appears happy to everyone else. It isn't like he is some kind of loner... People really really like him. He is the peacemaker among his partners.

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: CajunRose] #362118
09/05/14 06:00 PM
09/05/14 06:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
Member
CajunRose  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
Something else you can do - have you read through Miranda's thread? She has some similar issues with her H, and she's made a lot of changes to herself to start shifting their dynamics.

The biggest is making your own choices while letting go of his response. So, in this particular situation, you can't take responsibility for the fact that he refuses to be without you for more than a week. If you offer him, say, a month in the summer where you could go too, and encourage him to take 2 two-week mission trips on his own the rest of the year, it's on HIM if he says "No, if you won't go then I can't go." That's HIS choice, not yours.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: CajunRose] #362123
09/05/14 06:28 PM
09/05/14 06:28 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
He's gone on several mission trips without me. He doesn't particularly like it, but he has done it. Marriage Builders got mad at us a couple of years ago because he went on one trip by himself and took just the boys on another... He CAN do it, but he doesn't like to. I think one of the main things he didn't like about being home by himself for 2 weeks ( the boys were gone at various activities) was sleeping in a bed alone. He really likes to cuddle. He also didn't know how/where to find things.

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #362128
09/05/14 07:07 PM
09/05/14 07:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,728
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,728
Marta, it's not always going to be easy going with two conflict avoiders. So your H's dream is to travel full time? Maybe you two aren't the only couple who want to have that community as well, and there would be a community of retired mission trip folks?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: NewEveryDay] #362133
09/05/14 08:15 PM
09/05/14 08:15 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
I feel so utterly stupid... I bite my nails and they always look so horrible. I can't find a place to get nails.. I thought about getting make up done or figuring out how to apply it. I don't wear much at all. I just wanted to do something for myself and look pretty... But I have no clue how to go about this. I've wandered in and out of several places... So now I sit in Starbucks crying and sipping my pumpkin spice Frappuccino. I just wish I could look pretty.

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #362136
09/05/14 08:34 PM
09/05/14 08:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
Member
CajunRose  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
Google spas in your area. I found one that offered a class on how to apply makeup. I paired that with a massage and a mani/pedi with a friend one day (would also be a fun thing to do with your daughter). I still am not that good at applying makeup, but now I know more about how to do it.

I am glad that you are trying to do something for yourself. You can't find a salon that does nails in your area, and not one that you feel comfortable in?

You can do this.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: CajunRose] #362137
09/05/14 08:53 PM
09/05/14 08:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,728
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,728
My DDs and I love doing our nails together while we're watching a movie smile Does your daughter like doing those things together? We watch youtube videos on "how to do a smoky eye" or "how to do elsa updo frozen" and then try the techniques out on ourselves and each other, it's a blast! And the dollar store has the eye shadow brushes and eye makeup remover and anything else you could want. Does any of that sound fun?

My women's breakfast and bible study is doing a spa morning in the fellowship hall tomorrow morning, I'm so excited smile

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 09/05/14 08:57 PM. Reason: added more

"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: NewEveryDay] #362139
09/05/14 09:05 PM
09/05/14 09:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
P
peppermint Offline
Member
peppermint  Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
My daughter works part time in the cosmetics section of a department store. You can make an appointment and they will give you a makeover, showing you how to apply the makeup and it will not cost anything. They do it in the hopes you will buy the products, but you certainly don't have to. My daughter got her makeup done at a Merle Norman salon on her wedding day and they did not charge her anything. She just tipped the cosmetologist $20.

Also, look for a nearby cosmetology school. You can get your hair and nails done, a facial and massage, all for a bargain price because the students have to have hours of practical experience under the watchful eyes of teachers before they can become certified.

It will be great to do something like this for yourself.

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #362148
09/05/14 11:02 PM
09/05/14 11:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,181
L
LivingWell Offline
Member
LivingWell  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,181
Originally Posted By: Marta
I feel so utterly stupid... I bite my nails and they always look so horrible.

When I first stopped biting my nails, I got a manicure about once a month. I got the shellac polish that gets baked on and it lasted about 3-4 weeks. It's just about impossible to bite through and it gave me a good start to growing my nails. After about six months I didn't need manicures that often.

Getting good hand lotion helped, too. I like the Aveeno skin relief that comes in a smaller tube. It's pricey but I only needed about the size of a quarter to start and after a while only needed about the size of a dime. Once I let my hands start healing a bit, other things started to change, too.

Start wherever you can and make it a priority to keep it up. Other things will follow. smile

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: LivingWell] #362408
09/09/14 03:10 PM
09/09/14 03:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
Marta Offline OP
Member
Marta  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,869
So tired... I hate this farm sometimes. I hate the work that it takes despite the fact that my husband adores it and enjoys it. Had a problem with the cows... hubby couldnt' sleep for worrying about it.. Was up at 2am with them ( of course woke me up) at 4 we tried to get them in the trailer to go to the vet.. No go...

Part of this is because some regular maintance wasn't done ( Because he has actually been taking me on dates and relaxing occasionally..) Now he is beating himself up about not doing stuff. THERE ISNT TIME. He needs to hire someone to do some of this, but he refuses because he enjoys it and worries about liability ( which with the other legal problem, how can I argue..)

But I am again daydreaming of living in our 2 bedroom condo again... I so wish I was there again...

Re: Coming to agreements [Re: Marta] #362410
09/09/14 03:36 PM
09/09/14 03:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
Member
CajunRose  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
You can argue with him because it comes down to that THERE ISN'T TIME.

There just aren't enough hours in the week for him to work his job at full-time+ hours, work on the farm, be a great dad, participate in church, AND be a great husband.

With your permission, he's let the marriage slide to the bottom of the list and be the bucket he steals time from in order to do everything else he wants to do, and that just isn't working for you anymore.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Coming to agreements [Re: CajunRose] #362411
09/09/14 03:41 PM
09/09/14 03:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,386
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,386
midwest
Does he want to continue doing a half assed job at everything and feel bad about it, or does he want to really focus and do a good job on the things that count and get some help with the things that don't?

That's the bottom line here. That's really the only choice he's facing.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Fiddler 

Newest Members
Broken19, Amadhy, Farnell, 805bail, Marcin
2043 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Article: My Husband Didn’t Come Home One Night1
How To Spot A Narcissist—And Deal With All Their Manipulative BS1
Just updating... things do get better over time.5
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Affair World1
expired security certificate1
....micro-cheating is a thing in relationships, and here are the signs it's happening1
Warning MA Not Safe Message Keeps Popping Up6
Save Marriage After Exposure1
Save Marriage After Exposure245
Community Information
2043Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8477Topics
461956Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.026s Queries: 15 (0.005s) Memory: 3.3731 MB (Peak: 3.7308 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2019-12-12 01:17:55 UTC