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Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #355129
07/09/14 01:47 AM
07/09/14 01:47 AM
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Originally Posted By: Portsidegirl
So this isnt the beginning of some change. I thought things were beginning to get better. You mean l am still hanging through the roller coaster ride?


See, I say there is a crack in the fog and you wonder? Fog doesn't really crack but it can appear that way.

He is reading about affairs.....good thing. He is finding out if he is really having an A. That's a start. He's got a long way to go.

He may pull back or he may keep moving forward.

For your sanity, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. You are going to need both if he keeps moving forward or if he moves backwards.

Orchid

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Orchid2] #355227
07/09/14 05:22 PM
07/09/14 05:22 PM
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Portsidegirl Offline OP
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Quote:
For your sanity, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. You are going to need both if he keeps moving forward or if he moves backwards.

Days like today I feel like my sanity is totally gone. Summer holidays have always been hard for me because I spent a lot of time on my own but he use to come home we had dinner and at least were together in the evening.
Now, I feel like I am alone 24/7. I keep busy most days but you know how they say you can feel lonely in a crowd. Well that is me. Also coming home to a quiet empty house is hard. My youngest is home but she cacoons in her bedroom most of the evenings when she gets home from work.
What do you make of the fact that he broke up with her 3 times in the past month because he wanted to end the relationship, but kept going back because he couldn't see his future without her. He also told me that they fight often about both families. She is very angry because his daughters think she is such a terrible person. He hasn't told me what the issues are on the other side but I imagine they are the fact that she now has 3 kids living at home......and he does not want to be dad. He also has told me that he does not want the relationship he has had this past year with ``our family`` in the future. We did have a brief conversation after a counselling session and their were many tears on his part. He said he wants our family to be together and share the grandchildren and the future, but he still has made no real effort to stay away from her as I can gather.
He said he has surrounded himself with a support group to help him follow through with his decision when it is made. Also he has taken line dancing......which I had to control more laughter about, but he needs to get more people in his life. I can see this since he has always been a loner. If she is the only person in his life and there contact is limited due to her kids, especially in the summer......he certainly is going through some transition, I just can`t figure out what. Any thoughts.
Yes,LW, PDH and Orchid taking care of myself is very important because I find my self very lonely and will probably fall for anything he tells me, I have to have my eyes wide open right now. crazy

Last edited by Portsidegirl; 07/09/14 05:23 PM.

DDay June 2013
Married 28 years (June2013)
My age 56
WS 54
D1 25
D2 22
Still in legal separation ongoing
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #355245
07/09/14 07:09 PM
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Here's a hint for you......go back and read your last post and see where you described the OW and WS' anger and frustration......it is all about them and not about taking care of their responsibilities or even caring about others.

Notice that point? If you do, then make sure you remember that and use that as your guideline as you move forward. HOW? By being able to see their selfishness guiding them.......as long as it is all about them, they are still raging OWs and WSs'.

Knowing that will help you want to stay away and that will help you move forward. Unfortunately there will be scars and hurt people in the process. The WS chooses to throw away his family in favor of his selfishness. But in time that will catch up with him and when he is unable to find others to support his selfish habit &/or if the OW gets more selfish than he can handle.....then his A world will come crashing down around him.

Where you and your family are at that point, only time will tell but even then he will still be a WS, so you should not want such a character with a WS attitude back in your life.

See the ability to progress here?

Take care,
Orchid

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Orchid2] #355293
07/09/14 10:40 PM
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Wow Orchid: I hadn't seen any of it as you pointed things out. I did not see it as their selfishness at all. I was being hopeful that he wanted to be part of our family again, but I do understand that it is about what he wants.
Also his selfishness has made him return to her 3 times and not try to get her out of his system. Now, they are fighting about what each of them want. Yes, I do see how the A maybe crumbling but that does not mean he is H yet. He is still a WS trying to have things his way,,,,,,they are just not going his way. Is that correct?


DDay June 2013
Married 28 years (June2013)
My age 56
WS 54
D1 25
D2 22
Still in legal separation ongoing
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #355294
07/09/14 10:43 PM
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Yes.

It certainly isn't logical but in the world of the A, life isn't about being logical.

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Orchid2] #355297
07/09/14 10:51 PM
07/09/14 10:51 PM
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Also, WHs can be unreliable narrators as far as what's really going on with the A. He could be misrepresenting how involved he really is with OW's family. I know that is painful to think about, but he has been dishonest before. He did actually pretend that her children were boys, when in reality they are girls, right?

I would take everything he tells you about OW and their present living situation and future plans with a grain of salt.

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: josie] #355354
07/10/14 01:42 PM
07/10/14 01:42 PM
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It is like the old joke: when is a WS lying? Whenever their lips are moving.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: holdingontoit] #355571
07/11/14 04:51 PM
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Well what a shock....sort of. We met yesterday for financial disclosure. It comes down to I owe him tons of money. As we were walking out he said to me don't worry about what went on in there we will work something out.(As if I an believe that now.)
Then I asked him about his clear head. Last year he didn't have a clear head and he left. So what does it mean now that he has a clear head. He answer was, "well, for my well being I am not coming back." Again no explanation or anything, just a big announcement. No discussion not again just like the first time. I had told him I just couldn't accept a big announcement like time, I was hoping we could discuss things.
It is bad enough being told that he is leaving when he is not in a good mind frame according to him. Now he is I a clear state of mind and has made that decision. I was dumbstruck. You were all right I certainly shouldn't have let that happen, because the pain I feel today is almost like Dday again.
This man sat in the car last week and cried because he wanted to share our family in the future and he didn't want his family to be like it has been in the past year......but he still decided not to come home.....and as usual I didn't have any say in anything. He just announced his decision.
Claims he isn't moving in with her but when he "shared" with me that he could not picture his future without her I think he will be moving in. What a fool. (Sometimes I feel like the fool for hoping) He just doesn't get what he has lost. What makes me really sad is I don't know if he really cares.
I have many decisions to make....about selling the house that I cannot afford to maintain anymore and again it doesn't matter to him. Deciding if I can handle my job in the fall or retiring, not a decision I was looking at doing for another year or two. He knows he has thrown me into this mess, but he really doesn't care.
How can a 53 year old man who has always been a dependable husband and father do this to his family? A tiny piece of my heart will always mourn for the dreams I had for our future, I know I have to move on but I haven't got a clue in what direction to go. I have never felt so alone in my life.


DDay June 2013
Married 28 years (June2013)
My age 56
WS 54
D1 25
D2 22
Still in legal separation ongoing
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #355574
07/11/14 04:57 PM
07/11/14 04:57 PM
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hug

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #355578
07/11/14 05:19 PM
07/11/14 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted By: Portsidegirl
How can a 53 year old man who has always been a dependable husband and father do this to his family?


He was dependable because he could not imagine any other life for himself. So he did what he felt he needed to do within that construct.

Now he has gotten a taste of another life and there are parts of it he likes. Now he CAN imagine another life for himself. And while there are parts of his old life he misses, not enough to give up the new life. Not enough to go back to the old life.

That is why so many here say "your old marriage is over even if your WS returns". The WS will not stay and be happy if the old marriage returns in full. After the A, the couple must create a new life for themselves.

That is a big reason why I never had a A. The only way I can tolerate this marriage is to never get a "taste" of anything else. If I ever got to experience what another relationship might be like, I would run for the hills and never come back. And I did not want to do that to myself or my kids.

I don't doubt that your H was dependable before the A. I do doubt whether there was some aspect of your relationship that bothered him and remained unresolved, and that you felt after 28 years had reached the "agree to disagree" stage. Which he begrudgingly accepted in the past. But now he wants to disagree about agreeing.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: holdingontoit] #355606
07/11/14 06:39 PM
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He never told me we were agreeing to disagree. What infuriates me the most is that he never gave us a chance to work whatever it was out. I just can't get passed that. Also that he doesn't care about the girls and I is so painful. Last week he had said he hadn't been able to move on because of his concern for the girls and I. He got past that quickly.
I just feel so sick again. It is like he punched me in the stomach again after a whole year. I mis read all of his statements and he let me:
- I feel better now have a clear mind
- I got a support group around me so I can do what I need to do
- We have broken up 3 time in the past month because of the stress
- this is the first time in 11 month I have thought of coming back (2 weeks ago he didn't tell me he had stopped thinking)
- I am doing a lot of reflecting and reading some books on affairs
- 2 weeks ago he said he would have an answer for me by the end of the month - I had made very clear that I wasn't goig to just take an announcement like last time' I wanted to talk things out - he never told me we were't
Why would he make these statements knowing how I was taking them?

He hasn't even given us a chance to create a new marriage. He has just been running.

Last edited by Portsidegirl; 07/11/14 06:42 PM.

DDay June 2013
Married 28 years (June2013)
My age 56
WS 54
D1 25
D2 22
Still in legal separation ongoing
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #355626
07/11/14 07:15 PM
07/11/14 07:15 PM
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You had a meeting for financial disclosure? How can that come down to you owing him tons of money? I thought financial disclosure was the milestone where both parties produce paperwork that proves the balance of all their accounts, and then both parties answer a number of key financial questions and swear that the answers are true.

From the sound of it, your financial disclosure meeting turned into a settlement conference. That is unusual.

I hope you didn't sign anything without reviewing it with your attorney first. You need to protect your future and that of your daughters.

Last edited by josie; 07/11/14 07:15 PM.
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: josie] #355656
07/11/14 09:43 PM
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Portsidegirl Offline OP
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My government pension get thrown into the mix and that is the most valuable asset we have. No I didn't sign anything the next step is taking it to a lawyer and agreeing o the payout and how it will be paid. Also he did ask if it needed to be a 50/50 split or could it be 40/60 etc. The way I have been interetting this he might want the 60????
I am just so tired of all of this and I literally do not know what direction to go in. I have never had to make all these decisions by myself and they are such important one.
Another thing that really bothers me is that he says he knows what kind of impact his decision had on me, however, he cannot do anything about it.


DDay June 2013
Married 28 years (June2013)
My age 56
WS 54
D1 25
D2 22
Still in legal separation ongoing
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #355686
07/11/14 11:57 PM
07/11/14 11:57 PM
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There are special certified financial advisors for divorce. Maybe your lawyer could recommend one. Or perhaps you know an accountant who is very good with long-range tax planning. You only get to make these decisions once. There is hardly ever a do-over for a final divorce settlement. Take your time!

The division of each asset, even your pension, can be anyway you want it to be. There's no rule that says it has to be 50/50. The split could be 25/75 in your favor for all the Family Court cares, as long as you agree. There's also no rule that says that one asset can't be traded for another.

If he wants something badly enough, you may be able to use it as a bargaining chip to keep more of your pension.

If the idea of selling your house and auctioning off all the contents of the house and outbuildings is anathema to him, then maybe he might agree that you could keep your entire pension in exchange for allowing him to buy you out for a reasonable price.

If he was burning for a Church annulment and wanted something from you to make that happen, maybe you could agree in exchange for keeping your house AND your pension in the final divorce agreement. Hard ball.

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: josie] #355700
07/12/14 03:15 AM
07/12/14 03:15 AM
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PSG, I understand that you are hurting and I'm so sorry for your pain.

Do you realize that YOU are the one who has been hurting YOU for the last few months? YOU took comments that your WH made and assumed they meant what you wanted to hear. YOU assumed he might be softening towards you.

YOU have been sitting and waiting for him to come back, focused on HIM instead of on YOU.

This man is not the man you were married to for so long. Mourn what you have lost, and, please please please start putting yourself first. Stop obsessing over him.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: holdingontoit] #355726
07/12/14 04:31 PM
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Dear Holding: You are a person on honour and dignity and did what was right for your family. Obviously my H wasn't. He put his personal happiness ahead of that of his family. IMHO when you get married you promise to make personal sacrifices for your family, that is what it is all about. You should be very proud of youself.


DDay June 2013
Married 28 years (June2013)
My age 56
WS 54
D1 25
D2 22
Still in legal separation ongoing
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: CajunRose] #355727
07/12/14 04:32 PM
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CR you are absolutely right, but did he not know how I was going to interpret those comments. Is he so nasty that he will do anything to hurt me?


DDay June 2013
Married 28 years (June2013)
My age 56
WS 54
D1 25
D2 22
Still in legal separation ongoing
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #355742
07/12/14 09:29 PM
07/12/14 09:29 PM
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I don't think he was purposely trying to hurt you with his comments. It's just typical WS babble.


Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep. God is awake.

-Victor Hugo
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: FashionBarbie] #355771
07/13/14 06:15 AM
07/13/14 06:15 AM
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For a long time, I thought my then-H's actions had to do with me. That he said things to hurt me or to get my hopes up. That he did X so that I would do Y. I didn't understand why he was trying to hurt me.

That's because he wasn't. He was making his decisions without thinking about me. His choices had NOTHING to do with me and my reactions.

For a very long time, your WH has been making choices without considering you, without being influenced by you. His choices, even his word choices, have NOTHING to do with you. He's living his life the way HE wants to live it. You have no power over him.

This is what we have been trying to get you to see for months. You need to live your life without considering him, without being influenced by him, without waiting for him. Determine your goals for the person you want to be and the life you want to live, and make your decisions to move you towards those goals.

It's okay to be scared. We can help you through that. If you stay stuck like this, you're going to end up the bitter old lady who, decades later, is still wondering why. Don't be that lady.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: CajunRose] #355775
07/13/14 06:54 AM
07/13/14 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted By: CajunRose
For a long time, I thought my then-H's actions had to do with me. That he said things to hurt me or to get my hopes up. That he did X so that I would do Y. I didn't understand why he was trying to hurt me.

That's because he wasn't. He was making his decisions without thinking about me. His choices had NOTHING to do with me and my reactions.

For a very long time, your WH has been making choices without considering you, without being influenced by you. His choices, even his word choices, have NOTHING to do with you. He's living his life the way HE wants to live it. You have no power over him.

This is what we have been trying to get you to see for months. You need to live your life without considering him, without being influenced by him, without waiting for him. Determine your goals for the person you want to be and the life you want to live, and make your decisions to move you towards those goals.

It's okay to be scared. We can help you through that. If you stay stuck like this, you're going to end up the bitter old lady who, decades later, is still wondering why. Don't be that lady.


Yes. The WS is not thinking about the BS. He/she just thinks about his/her own self.

When confronted with her pain and her need to know when the affair started, Lilly's WS said something to her that struck me as completely cruel and completely honest:

Lilly: "I demanded to know since when they were together and he told me that they were together indeed from, October, when he left the first time."

WS: "But it doesn't matter because I did not love you any more, so I did whatever I wanted."

In a very real way, the BS ceases to occupy the WS's thoughts except as someone who must be lied to/deceived so the WS can get what he/she wants.

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: josie] #355777
07/13/14 08:38 AM
07/13/14 08:38 AM
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Exactly..
takes a while to process that thought especially if they change from time to time..
but amen to that.. a good lesson.. well expressed..
same as the affair was a coincidence...I was finished before that...

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: loualea] #356378
07/16/14 04:46 PM
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My goodness what a rollercoaster ride this past week has been. This past weekend, WS and I communicated a bit about our possible future. We started talking about what could possibley be and somethings that we would like to see change in our life and what we would like to see. Anyway he has suggested to see MC to see if we can possibley look at looking forward together. I told him he had to come into this with an open mind and on his own, meaning no attachments because that wouldn't be fair to me, him or her.
He admitted I was right and said OK, I have to take care of that first and until that is done the rest will have to hold. He said please don't send me messages to make me feel guilty or remorseful. He continued to say that it was something he needed to do soon for everyone concerned. It wouldn't be fair to anyone and he could not live like that I cannot handle the drama........then he ended with this.....that will be the last time I will be making a decision about us. I am quite certain he will end his affair because they have broken up 3 times in the past month and she is putting pressure on him......they are constantly fighting about family, his and her.....so I really don't see that going anywhere.
We have talked about changes that we are willing to make in order to try to heal our marriage and continue on. This is the first time there has been any of this communication. I still sense so much anger in him and he really does not want to revisit any of what happened the past year. I told him I could look forward but he was going to have to give me a basic level of understanding of what happened. He agreed that it was possible with an MC present.
Am I in for more heart ache?
His situation with the girls has really gotten bad and neither daughter is talking to him, believe it or not he is disappointed in the girls????

Is this a possible turning point or am I just getting more WS babble. He just has this coldness to him.
He told me that if we decided to work on our marriage things would not be the same, which I agreed to because obviously the old marriage did not work. He like some of the things I said I would like to see in the new marriage. He didn't say much of what he wanted to see other than he didn't want many of the old people in his life.......I don't quite understand that. HELP!!!! confused


DDay June 2013
Married 28 years (June2013)
My age 56
WS 54
D1 25
D2 22
Still in legal separation ongoing
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #356408
07/16/14 06:16 PM
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If you continue this, you are indeed in for more heartache.

You're choosing this.


Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep. God is awake.

-Victor Hugo
Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: Portsidegirl] #356411
07/16/14 06:25 PM
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PSG,

Time to step back and let the WS start morphing from WS --> xWS --> RS --> RRS. That's just my take on it.

As he morphs back to reality, it is his journey to take on his own. Y? Because right now he can also morph back the other way at any time Xws --> WS. eek

He should go to the IC/MC on his own. He is getting pressure from the OW and wants the easy way out? You are 2nd choice? Think about what he is really saying vs focusing only on his returning home.

He needs to outline and live by his new choices and you should not accept back anything less than a better man than when he left. Way better man.

If you help him out now, he will find it easier to morph back. Know that the OW will pull out all stops to draw him back into the web.......he isn't A proof yet.

You need to still be in the protective mode.

This will be hard for you, especially if you have not identified your personal and marital boundaries yet and if your mind and heart are not in sync.

jmo,
Orchid

Re: Abandoned After 28 years of marriage [Re: FashionBarbie] #356424
07/16/14 07:03 PM
07/16/14 07:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
Member
CajunRose  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
Originally Posted By: FashionBarbie
If you continue this, you are indeed in for more heartache.

You're choosing this.


I very much agree with this, and with Orchid.

He has said he is thinking about maybe choosing you again, but you have to leave him alone, etc - basically if he comes back, it is on his terms.

He does not sound remorseful for his actions.

He does not sound like he wants to really look into HIS choices and why he made them and how not to make them again.

He does not sound like he thinks that HE needs to make a lot of changes.

At the same time, YOU are still very codependent. You aren't bringing a healthy mindset into this either.

I don't see this as hopeful AT ALL. I'm sorry.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
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