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Well...this feeling is new... #329425
01/04/14 05:15 AM
01/04/14 05:15 AM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Well, I was given the idea to start a new thread now that it is the new year and I am moving on. I guess I already have a topic, so I might as well get this party started. Some background might be needed from my post in the I&A section, but I can restate things here if someone gets confused.

Originally Posted By: MovingForward

If I were to date someone before I was D it would have to be for a very good reason. Some divorces can take time, but the process would have to be moving along. I would also need to have worked through the trust issues that were caused by the A among other things. The person I date would need to be mature and fully aware of what was going on. I kind of feel like I am jumping the gun talking about this stuff though. Not doing any relationships any time soon I think.


You know how I was just saying a few days ago that I am not doing any relationships anytime soon (If you don't remember...see above and in the I&A section)? Well I think I am now eating my words. I do not know how this happened...ok I do, but I am surprised.

I met someone. We "clicked" and get along great. She is mature and fully understands what is going on in my life. She would like to date me, but understands that things are kind of "weird" right now. I can't stop thinking about her and I feel like that is wrong of me.

My only saving grace is that she doesn't live in the same state (but lives in a state that I was seriously considering finding work in). I can't really date her until and if I find a job out there. I am kind of flummoxed at myself right now. I know about the "infatuation" or "heart palpitations" period, but this has hit me really hard.

On the plus side, it has given me more reason to file for D (not that I needed any more encouragement). I am planning on getting that ball rolling this week. She is something that is making me smile again. I just don't know whether this is a bad thing or not.

Someone tell me: Is this normal or am I going nuts? Should I be ashamed of myself or just careful?

(Hope this is the right place to post this)

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #329498
01/04/14 04:37 PM
01/04/14 04:37 PM
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lost rabbit Offline
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I think careful is the correct word you need!

I have a dear friend she sorta met a you, who had broken up with his wife after she A'd three years ago.. He was a mess so she in her wisdom decided to hang fire as she didn't want to be the person to help him unload his baggage.. three years later he come back from working away and they have started a R without baggage..

Whilst it all seems nice and pleasant at the moment, you are still carrying baggage, you already pointed out she lives in the wrong place and relies on you getting a job there.. IMHO look after yourself first, sort out your baggage, D your W if that is where you are at. BUT don't dive into any new relationships quickly. If things are meant to be both of you can stay friends and the job you really want will come up in the right place too!

Its unlikely it will happen but what would you do if miracles happened and W rang and said H I want to commit to our R and I will be with you in our home in half an hour, I want to sort this mess out..

Put the reins on mate, get you sorted out first and see what will be!


Once was lost but now found and happily married!

The story
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/34625/Where_do_I_go

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: lost rabbit] #329506
01/04/14 04:56 PM
01/04/14 04:56 PM
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MoFo,
(ha! I just wanted to type that!)

There is a thread in the Dating forum from a poster named SoL that contains a LOT of great advice if you are up for a little reading. Might be nice to read a sitch pointed a different direction than the ones you first focused on.

His D process was lengthy and ugly (involving kids), but healing his heart and jumping back into the dating pool should be a common thread for you both.

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/93191/Learning_to_Live#Post93191

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: lost rabbit] #329514
01/04/14 05:51 PM
01/04/14 05:51 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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I agree. Although I do not think I am a mess anymore, I do agree that I have baggage. The D of the W was inevitable before meeting this woman (although not that long before). I agree that taking it slow is my best possible course of action.

The region that she lives in was already my top place that I considered applying to jobs for. It is also the place that I am most likely to find a job compared to where I am now. We communicate on a semi regular basis and I think that it is not more because we both don't want to jump into something too fast.

I don't think I would take my W back just like that anymore. I can't trust her to be serious about it and I can't jeopardize my career for something she could just turn back around on.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: silverado] #329516
01/04/14 05:52 PM
01/04/14 05:52 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Thanks for the reading material. I will start looking through this today.

I actually like that people are calling me MoFo cool ...

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #329523
01/04/14 06:54 PM
01/04/14 06:54 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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I strongly encourage you not to date while you are still married. Not two weeks ago, you wanted to reconcile with your wife. Pursuing another relationship at this time is not likely to end well for you.

I think it is vitally important for all newly single people to take the time to be single - to make sure that you can enjoy yourself without our former spouse, find ways to stop yourself from thinking about your other spouse, etc. I don't think that a new romantic interest is the best way to do that.

For me, personally, I wouldn't have dated while married (although I started dating very soon after the divorce was final). I thought it was disrespectful to the vows I took, even though my marriage was well over by then. I also wouldn't want someone willing to date me while I was married.

In your shoes, I probably would let the other person know I liked them but wasn't comfortable dating until I was sure that I was in a position of strength on my own. Then I'd get the contact information, put it aside, and not contact again until I was divorced.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: CajunRose] #329544
01/04/14 11:12 PM
01/04/14 11:12 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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I agree and I always appreciate your insight. I didn't plan on dating anyone and this kind of snuck up on me. To be fair, I am not actually dating her right now anyways as it is not really possible with us being so far apart. By the time I get a job, the D process should be far enough along to make both of us feel more comfortable.

I guess whether I think it is ok to date while technically married (separated) has to do with the intended plans. I would not do it at all if I thought I would go back to my STBXW at some point. That just wouldn't be fair.

Two weeks ago I was willing to R with my wife, but I had set a deadline and that has passed. I (thankfully) have been working on myself and how I feel being alone. I feel good. I have no regrets. I kept up my end of the marriage as long as I could. I just want to put it all behind me now. I am getting the ball rolling on Monday and that will be that.

We have talked about how we feel and how a great deal of care needs to be taken. I do agree that I need to remember how it is to be single. In a sense, I have felt like I have been that way for awhile now without even realizing it.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #329551
01/05/14 12:12 AM
01/05/14 12:12 AM
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CajunRose Offline
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I completely understand that you feel done and that you do not intend to change your mind. I don't think you will change your mind either.

My perspective comes because...I thought I was ready to date as soon as my divorce was final (8 months after my ex moved out, 3-4 months after I was totally and truly DONE). I met a guy a month after the divorce. We kinda clicked. He decided maybe we weren't right for each other.

Three months later, he called back. Looking honestly at myself, I was amazed at how much I had continued to change post-divorce. I needed that three months to better rid myself of baggage. He needed that three months to continue growing too....and 13 months later we were married. I don't think we would have had a successful relationship if we had pursued things the first time around. That three months was very, very important to both of our growth and healing.

(Also note that our initial dating was done via text, email, and phone calls because we lived an hour apart from each other....so you can date long-distance that way ;))


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: CajunRose] #329566
01/05/14 03:54 AM
01/05/14 03:54 AM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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I totally get what you are saying. In the grand scheme of things, if I am not really ready to date, I may ruin a future with her.

I may not be completely healed. What I also get from your story is that you went with the flow. You two clicked and he left and came back. Maybe I should just go with the flow and make sure we don't move too fast. I have effectively been single but pining for my "ex" for 4 months. I know how it feels. I know how to be alone. That being said, I will have to continue to grow regardless of my relationship status.

You may be right about the texting and emailing being a form of dating. I can't wait to hear something from her. It is hard to keep my emotions in check sometimes.

I really appreciate all the advice that I have received so far. It helps keep me honest and aware. I welcome more.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #329749
01/06/14 06:17 PM
01/06/14 06:17 PM
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believer Offline
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Here's a thread on dating from another site, SI. Oddly enough, the poster has your name, too.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=518573


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: believer] #329769
01/06/14 07:26 PM
01/06/14 07:26 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Well I would suspect that the moniker of moving forward is pretty popular. I am actually surprised that this name wasn't already taken.

I read through it and it makes sense. You want to make sure that you aren't dating just to fill the void. I don't know if that is an easy thing to tell until you actually start dating. I certainly didn't seek anyone out, but it does fill a void I guess. Though I would assume that most people feel they have something missing without companionship.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #329963
01/07/14 02:07 PM
01/07/14 02:07 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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Remember, anyone willing to be with you under these circumstances is someone who figures they don't stand a chance of hooking you once you have your head on straight, so they are willing to take a chance that you'll dump them if your wife wants to R in the hope that if she doesn't, you'll stay with them on account of feelings developed while you were struggling.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: holdingontoit] #330016
01/07/14 05:43 PM
01/07/14 05:43 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Remember, anyone willing to be with you under these circumstances is someone who figures they don't stand a chance of hooking you once you have your head on straight, so they are willing to take a chance that you'll dump them if your wife wants to R in the hope that if she doesn't, you'll stay with them on account of feelings developed while you were struggling.


This is an interesting perspective, if a little bit pessimistic. I see where you are coming from though. I would definitely not want to be taken advantage of, but I question if this truly is the way it always is. I am willing to listen to more though.

I honestly don't think I am struggling right now. I know that the D process can be hard, but I think I have done enough ground work before hand to make it at least a little easier emotionally. She doesn't want to get into something that has the possibility of me going back to WW, so we are playing it cool a bit for now. She is the one that is setting up the boundaries, which we acknowledge is good for both of us right now.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #332753
01/25/14 07:04 AM
01/25/14 07:04 AM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Ok. Because I am not a quitter, I am going to stubbornly document my journey even if this part of the board is much (MUCH) quieter. This section should have more contributors, so here I go once more into the breach. As always, tell me what you think I am doing wrong (or right).

So an update, the relationship with this new woman is still good albeit changed somewhat. the first week was great (like I had said, we clicked...big time), but then the feelings got to be too much and we started getting too stressed out.

Before I go into more, I should share a relevant point about her. She is a widow of a year and a half. This is why we both had realized that we both needed to be careful and not just me.

Anyways, our feelings got out of control. We both have feelings for each other, but it became too stressful to enjoy them. There was no arguing. It was just that both of us have our own internal struggles. We both have agreed that we need to take a giant step back. Neither of us are ready for a relationship right now. We are going to keep in contact, but on a much lesser scale.

This has reduced both of our stress levels greatly. I need to take some more time for myself (I know, I know...many of you have said this...). I need to finish this D, get a job and actually move back to independence. I need to be ok with the prospect of being single. I have realized that I understand what I need to feel, but I just need time to actually internalize it.

The thing is, I don't think I would have realized this if I hadn't met someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. The woman I was seeing hadn't realized it either. I am just glad that we (more like 'she') saw it as a problem before it completely decimated any chance to even have a friendship.

Before anyone asks, I am aware that life may move forward and one of us may find someone else. That is something that I would find sad, but I think that part of my healing to be able to handle a relationship is to realize that this is ok. Again, I know that is the right way to feel, but I have not internalized this completely.

By the way, the D is going along. I am still not having a hard time coping with it (I am almost waiting to see when the other shoe drops on that...). Lawyers are talking. STBXW and I have haggled a bit on things (she is still very uncommunicative but oh well). Papers should get filed soon hopefully. Now all I have to figure out is how to get myself some health insurance. COBRA may be too expensive since STBXW has a really good health plan.

I am ready. Tell me how I am being naive, irresponsible, compulsive, thick, etc. I always like debating the criticism. I know it seems like I fight it, but I really do try to internalize your comments. Done with wall of text.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #332770
01/25/14 04:16 PM
01/25/14 04:16 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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No criticism here. smile I think you and your friend made the right decision, and I am glad that you can see why that decision was necessary for both of you.

I think you are one of the most well-adjusted posters we've had...most of us (especially me) were basket cases in the beginning, but you seem to have the knack for doing honest self-introspection and then making changes to be true to yourself, rather than continuously reacting.

How is the job search going?


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: CajunRose] #332772
01/25/14 04:25 PM
01/25/14 04:25 PM
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lost rabbit Offline
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No another one here who is pleased you managed to see potential problems and take a step back. Your lady friend obviously likes you but will have all sorts of feelings about her husbands passing away that she wouldn't have dealt with in just eighteen months, it would have been far to soon as much as none of us want to think our spouses would spend too long grieving over us.

Again you have lots to sort out for yourself and its not a bad thing to be single for a while and see how that shoes fits, it may be that it will give you choices you hadn't thought of before who knows!

Good to hear from and it will be good to have someone documenting their single life and how they survived it for others to read and take hope from,


Once was lost but now found and happily married!

The story
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/34625/Where_do_I_go

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: lost rabbit] #332786
01/25/14 07:28 PM
01/25/14 07:28 PM
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I agree that getting a job and becoming self sufficient needs to be number one on the list.

As far as your lady friend being a widow, I've had 2 workmates who remarried very quickly and are happy and thriving. One of them was a man who adored his wife and they had a good marriage. He remarried just 4 months after he died to the horror of his family and friends. He married a woman he met in church who was still recovering from a divorce she didn't want.

I knew both of them and thought they were moving too fast, but basically they were right for each other. And he explained to me that he had 8 years of grieving the loss of his beloved wife, since that was the length of time she was sick.

That was 8 years ago, and the two of them are very happily married and friends and family have come around.

They both did get premarital counseling through church, and both made compromises to insure a good start. He sold the home that he and his wife had lived in all their marriage to buy one that she could consider their own. He also developed a good relationship with her teenage daughter.

She was very patient in dealing with his grown children who were so opposed to their mother being replaced.

All marriages face obstacles and the couples who can work them out together will thrive.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: CajunRose] #332796
01/25/14 08:54 PM
01/25/14 08:54 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: CajunRose
No criticism here. smile I think you and your friend made the right decision, and I am glad that you can see why that decision was necessary for both of you.

I think you are one of the most well-adjusted posters we've had...most of us (especially me) were basket cases in the beginning, but you seem to have the knack for doing honest self-introspection and then making changes to be true to yourself, rather than continuously reacting.

How is the job search going?


I would like to give most of the credit to seeing it to her. I didn't really realize how it had been affecting me until the next day. The first conversation about it was peaceful and calm, but it wasn't until I had looked at myself that we were both able to lay what we wanted out on the table a bit.

I really appreciate the compliment. I used to be a basket case all the time when I was younger. Something changed at some point and I hated how hot headed and reactionary I was. Being introspective is the only way I can keep it all in check. I still do go into basket case mode once in awhile though. Don't worry. grin

The job search is going well as far as I can tell. I haven't had any responses yet, but I just really started applying nearly two weeks ago. Spent the time before hand working with a consultant on getting my application materials improved and such. As of now, I have applied to about 10 jobs with a handful more that I need to write cover letters for. Every time I think of the number it seems low, but a grad degree has this magical way of lowering the number of jobs out there.

Originally Posted By: lost rabbit
No another one here who is pleased you managed to see potential problems and take a step back. Your lady friend obviously likes you but will have all sorts of feelings about her husbands passing away that she wouldn't have dealt with in just eighteen months, it would have been far to soon as much as none of us want to think our spouses would spend too long grieving over us.

Again you have lots to sort out for yourself and its not a bad thing to be single for a while and see how that shoes fits, it may be that it will give you choices you hadn't thought of before who knows!

Good to hear from and it will be good to have someone documenting their single life and how they survived it for others to read and take hope from,


I agree. Her husband was sick for quite some time before he passed, but things were still just a bit too soon. I honestly don't think that she saw it coming. She had been going on dates with people for a number of months before she met me with no problems. From what I know though, they were people that she didn't see a future with.

I think it will be good to be single for a bit too. It has obviously been quite awhile since I have been single. Even before the relationship that lead to my marriage, I was never single for longer than a few weeks. I am legitimately interested in how living on my own will be.

I always like to read stories and get more information to improve how I live my life and help me through the uncertain times. After looking, it seems like there isn't a lot out there about how people cope in their transitions (this thread compared to many of the others here as an example). It makes sense that people seek out forums and communication in their greatest time of need, but learning how to get back out there and avoid some of the common mishaps is a good thing to have too. Thus, I am glad to share my journey whether it be boring or interesting. My greatest hope is that it will at least show others that we all have to go through the gauntlet before we come out the other end and that it isn't as frightening as we think.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: believer] #332797
01/25/14 09:05 PM
01/25/14 09:05 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: believer
I agree that getting a job and becoming self sufficient needs to be number one on the list.

As far as your lady friend being a widow, I've had 2 workmates who remarried very quickly and are happy and thriving. One of them was a man who adored his wife and they had a good marriage. He remarried just 4 months after he died to the horror of his family and friends. He married a woman he met in church who was still recovering from a divorce she didn't want.

I knew both of them and thought they were moving too fast, but basically they were right for each other. And he explained to me that he had 8 years of grieving the loss of his beloved wife, since that was the length of time she was sick.

That was 8 years ago, and the two of them are very happily married and friends and family have come around.

They both did get premarital counseling through church, and both made compromises to insure a good start. He sold the home that he and his wife had lived in all their marriage to buy one that she could consider their own. He also developed a good relationship with her teenage daughter.

She was very patient in dealing with his grown children who were so opposed to their mother being replaced.

All marriages face obstacles and the couples who can work them out together will thrive.


This is exactly what I have heard from her. Once you know it is going to happen no matter what you do, the grieving process really does start. I have always thought that widows and widowers have gone through a painful process and no one but them should judge when the right time to move on is.

A willingness to work through the obstacles is one of the biggest indicators for me of a good partner. We did take a giant step back from a relationship, but I think that we will both be the better for it.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #332798
01/25/14 10:03 PM
01/25/14 10:03 PM
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I just realized that you have been in graduate school, not just unemployed. Are you done with school now? Do you have a lot of student debt? You said you live in Podunkville. Is it a place that you want to stay? Are there good job opportunities there?

Those are the things I would think about before getting serious about anyone right now.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: believer] #332801
01/25/14 10:22 PM
01/25/14 10:22 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: believer
I just realized that you have been in graduate school, not just unemployed. Are you done with school now? Do you have a lot of student debt? You said you live in Podunkville. Is it a place that you want to stay? Are there good job opportunities there?

Those are the things I would think about before getting serious about anyone right now.


Those are great questions to ask. Here are the answers:

Done with School? Yes. I finished at the end of last year. Part of the fact that my job search just started is because of that and the other was I was initially trying to find a job in the same city as STBXW.

Student debt? I have some from undergrad. In my field, grad school almost always gets paid for so I have no debt there except for a loan at the beginning to help stay afloat during the transition. I do have some from undergrad, but it is manageable compared to what some come out of school with.

Stay in Podunkville? Job opportunities? I am not, nor could I really get a job here. If I just had a BS, I probably could. The place where the "friend" is (I need to figure out a nickname for her or a title of some sort) is where i am looking for most of my jobs. It has a huge job market in what I want to do there. I have the potential to apply to over 20 jobs as of now (not including those that present themselves over the coming weeks) which is great for a PhD looking in essentially one location. I am pretty confident that I can get a job there without having to wait forever.

Again, those are great questions to ask. I would not have been willing to put my "friend" in a position like that if I wasn't sure that I was going to move to her general area. As of now though, I need to get my life back in order before looking down that road again.

Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: MovingForward] #332803
01/25/14 10:42 PM
01/25/14 10:42 PM
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I'll have to look for Al Turtle's article about second marriages, just so you can start on the right track. I'm not insinuating that you're headed for a second marriage right now, but will be within 3 years of the date your divorce becomes final. It's good to be prepared.

Just be certain that you aren't picking a job because it's in your friend's town.

That reminds me, there's a wonderful story somewhere here about a man that whose fiancee dumped him, and he went away for several years. When he came back on the train, she was there to meet him. I can't remember who it was, but they are still happily married, years later. The point was, that if you are meant to be together, you will be.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: believer] #332804
01/25/14 10:48 PM
01/25/14 10:48 PM
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"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: believer] #332805
01/25/14 10:53 PM
01/25/14 10:53 PM
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"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Well...this feeling is new... [Re: believer] #332814
01/25/14 11:38 PM
01/25/14 11:38 PM
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MovingForward Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: believer
I'll have to look for Al Turtle's article about second marriages, just so you can start on the right track. I'm not insinuating that you're headed for a second marriage right now, but will be within 3 years of the date your divorce becomes final. It's good to be prepared.

Just be certain that you aren't picking a job because it's in your friend's town.

That reminds me, there's a wonderful story somewhere here about a man that whose fiancee dumped him, and he went away for several years. When he came back on the train, she was there to meet him. I can't remember who it was, but they are still happily married, years later. The point was, that if you are meant to be together, you will be.


I agree that it is good to be prepared. I do like his articles. If you would have told me a month ago that I would be headed to a second marriage at some point I would have scoffed. Now, I would say that you are correct. Whatever happens with the friend and I, she has at least made me realize that I would be willing to go down that road again. Not saying that I was starting to plan a marriage proposal, just that I realized that there were people out there that I would consider making that commitment to.

I assure you that I am not picking that location because of her. I was talking about this place way before I met her. For some reason, and I can't put my finger on it exactly, this location struck me as a really good idea. It was the only place that I thought about that made me excited. Now, I wouldn't say that she isn't a reason that I am spending more of my time applying to there than other places, but I can only apply to so many jobs a day and I am not through with my backlog. Once I find no more jobs to apply for, I will start looking in other places. I don't think that will happen though.

I like that story. That sort of sentiment is what I keep telling myself. "It was either meant to be or it wasn't". It has yet to completely set in, but I am working towards that. I have a hard time not trying to fix things that aren't just me. That is my biggest hurdle that I have to overcome.

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