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Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: ravemontana] #315236
09/20/13 04:41 AM
09/20/13 04:41 AM
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Nathan Offline
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Nathan  Offline
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I think if he still ignoring you and want space than you have to come a final decision that you want to live with that or not.Because you can't waste the time for that and file for divorce.

Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: Nathan] #315241
09/20/13 07:01 AM
09/20/13 07:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,677
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
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Chrysalis  Offline
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SoCal
Nathan, are you a licensed attorney? I am, and several more long time posters here are.

We are bound by our professional ethics to prevent the unauthorized practice of law whenever we can

So please drop the Idea that our forum is a sales opportunity. It is not.


Chrysalis
Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: Chrysalis] #315406
09/21/13 09:37 AM
09/21/13 09:37 AM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 49
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ravemontana Offline OP
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ravemontana  Offline OP
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Its been 5months since we got separated and still no movement whether to file for annulment or not. Honestly right now i dont know what to do. Im in a mess emotionally. I really thought i have doing good, slowly moving on but im now having those sad, lonely, depress days...experiencing alot of pain again. I tried to be reasonable but i guess my emotions got the better of me.

H still wont cooperate with the annulment. Said alot of lies and last wednesday i saw him w/ OW at the office. They were just talking but my insticts and jealousy got the better of me. Though i did not confront them, i just pretended i didnt care and walk away. When i got home i cried myself to sleep. It still hurts. Now i really dont know what to do. I stop going to church. I stop talking to our pastor. I just stop everything. I felt hopeless. Everybody kept telling me to move on already but i just dont seem to get it thru my thick head to do so.

Im hurt...i just want the pain to go away!

Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: ravemontana] #315429
09/21/13 03:58 PM
09/21/13 03:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
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EarningIt Offline
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EarningIt  Offline
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Rave

I'm sorry that you have to hurt. It sounds like you are going into a period of true depression. I've been there it HURTS like HELL and it doesn't seem like it will ever, ever end.

This is a point where you really need to go see your doctor and discuss anti-depressants. You need to get yourself stabilized and then the road forward will become clearer.

Is that something you can do?


Remember to hope.

Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: EarningIt] #315442
09/21/13 05:06 PM
09/21/13 05:06 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4,128
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EarningIt Offline
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Ravey,

I saw your post asking for help with an action plan. We can certainly do that.

The very first step is to get yourself into a more stable state. As I mention above.

Now with that being said. What is your goal? The annulment?


Remember to hope.

Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: EarningIt] #315445
09/21/13 05:32 PM
09/21/13 05:32 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 49
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ravemontana Offline OP
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ravemontana  Offline OP
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Hi EI,
im really going thru a hard time right now. I thought im doing ok but why is it that im going thru this again? Is it because of what i saw? I did believe that they had stop seeing each other but guess they just went underground.

As for seeing a doctor, i thought about it. Gotta get help for me fast.

For the action plan, i really wanted to try to heal our marriage ive been reading surviving an affair book by Dr. Willard Harley Jr., how to save your marriage when your spouse doesnt want to by Liam Naden, what to do when i dont love you anymore by David Clarke and some other info on the internet but i just could not come up with a plan to talk to him. I tried talking to WS last monday. And it all end up to him telling me he doesnt love me anymore and that he was just acting the whole year on our wedding planning and up to we got married. Those words really hurt me. And what hurt as well was when he wont still admit to an A. Plus his none cooperation in filing for annulment. What to do? Where should i start with a plan?

Thank you. Im really a mess right. I just gotta pick myself up. It really help that someone is being a friend and trying to help me get thru this. I just dont know what to do and the hurt and confussion just doesnt seem to stop cry

Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: ravemontana] #315449
09/21/13 06:30 PM
09/21/13 06:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4,128
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EarningIt Offline
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EarningIt  Offline
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Ravey,

Really and truly the very first thing you need to do is see a doctor and ask for anti depressants.

This isn't a "just pick yourself up" moment. This is a "get some help moment"

Can you call someone today?


Remember to hope.

Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: EarningIt] #315476
09/22/13 04:49 AM
09/22/13 04:49 AM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 49
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ravemontana Offline OP
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ravemontana  Offline OP
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Hi EI,
Talked w/ my pastor awhile ago...made me feel better. I was to the point of losing hope w/ my situation but he helped me to atleast slowly gain hope thru praying, thru Gods words. Told him everything that ws said and his only advice for now is for me to just give time to breath. To freshen up and calm myself before deciding anything.

Heres the complete story of what happened the last time i talked w/ ws. I asked him about the annulment but his reply was just "cant we go directly to the atty and talk there?" My point of talking to him before we go to the atty was to have his cooperation and to tell him honestly of my feeling. I told him that im afraid of what the outcome might be but im determine to move forward with or without him. I also told him that this is not really my choice but since he wants to separate then i will give it to him on the condition that it be a legal one. I want to have an annulment since for me this is the honorable thing to do, to part ways. I even reminded him of what he told me a few months ago where he said "you could still find someone better than me" from which my reply that time was "his the one for me" but my reply now was to tell him "your right in the future i can find someone better even best than you. So thats why i want an annulment" he did not reply then. He just continue being silent.

After i asked him about his A but still he wont admit it. He just kept telling me that he was not ready to get married and that is the real reason. I changed my tactic, i asked him if that was the reason why did he not tell me about it. Silence again was his reply. I asked him about the recording about their conversation where he told ow that he love her. And his reply was still unacceptable since he just said it was nothing. So i then asked him, if he still loves me and it took him such a very long time to answer me and the answer was "its nothing" i asked himto explain but he did not say anything anymore. So i told him if it meant he doesnt and i only got a nod. I asked him about the time where we were planning the wedding (1yr preparation) up until the short time we got married and was living together if those were just acting on his part (the i love yous, the planning for our future etc) wherein he told me that it was.

That did it. He may not have told me in words but his nod was confirmation enough that he just acting during those times. It just hurt since i was so blind then and now. It hurt since i believe in us. I beileve in my vows, it was so real to me wherein it was just acting on his part.

Can a person really act like he cares and love me for a long time and even got to the point of us getting married if it was all a lie to him? How could he be so mean? So hurtful and inconsiderate?! Anyway, all the time we talked i was composed. I never shouted any bad words to him, never shown signs of crying or even begging him to stay. Maybe thats the reason why i was a mess afterwards since i suppressed those emotions and reactions that i got from him. My pastor said that it was likely so.

Right now, i have to continue talking to my pastor for guidance or i could set an appointment w/ a counselor. I would love to talk to a counselor but here in our place its a bit of a taboo to go to counselors. Theres this negative impression that when you go to a counselor your mentally ill. And from what i gather infos there are only a few out here who cater to my situation. But im not gonna stop looking. Until then my pastor is a good person to talk to. Also i really need your help to make an action plan. My goal really is to try to save my marriage, should i go dark? not to communicate to him? since im living at my parents, am i not allowed to go to our house to visit my parents in law? what to do first? but if all fails then theres really nothing left to do but to plan on how to get him to cooperate to file for annulment.

Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: ravemontana] #315536
09/23/13 12:09 PM
09/23/13 12:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,980
holdingontoit Offline
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Why is it so important to get him to cooperate? If you don't want to be married to him, hire a lawyer and file for annulment yourself.

As others have said, get yourself to a place where you can think clearly, then decide what you want to do.

As far as seeing a counsellor, do you really think that whatever stigma goes along with seeing one (and trust me, there are places you could live where there is no stigma or even respect for those who seek help from a counsellor) is worse than staying in a bad marriage? Most of us here will tell you that a bad marriage is worse than just about anything else in terms of mental and emotional health. You can be stuck in a lousy job or living in a crappy house with a huge mortgage and it is not going to be as much of a negative influence on your life as a bad marriage.

But it is your life and you are the one who has to live in your community and it is your choice how to proceed. And I mean that. None of us has to live with the consequences of your decision. You do. I hope whatever you choose works out well.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: holdingontoit] #315559
09/23/13 02:46 PM
09/23/13 02:46 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4,128
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EarningIt Offline
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EarningIt  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2013
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Ravey,

I'm sorry to hear about the stigma surrounding counselling in your country.

I believe taking medication for depression is exactly the same as taking say insulin for diabetes. My body simply needs it and so be it. If you are going through a specific period of depression, like you may be experiencing now, it can really help to go on a term of anti-depression medication and you may discover that you don't need it for a longer term past then.

One place that my wife found good support for treating her depression was through her gynecologist. Perhaps your doctor could be of help as opposed to going to a mental health counselor?

Your husband has explained what he believes to be the truth about your marriage and your relationship prior to the marriage was. Can someone really "fake it". I don't know and it doesn't really matter what you and I think. As messed up as they may seem to you and me, they are his beliefs, there isn't a lot you can do to change them....HE has to change them.

If that is the case what can YOU do to affect the outcome? Not very much. So yes, going dark is an appropriate next step. Just dropping your end of the rope. Silence. No longer pursuing anything; taking care of yourself, going on with your life, preparing yourself for the next steps. Yes that means no longer talking to your in-laws, not going to your old house, no Facebook updates, nothing.

So tell me what your going dark plan looks like?

At the same time you need to research your annulment process. What are the time frames required (I'd hate for you too lose rights under the annulment while you go dark). Do this in conjunction with your going dark plan so that you can create full strategy that incorporates your annulment rights into your going dark plan

Also what are your rights to pursue him legally for adultery? What are the hurdles required to prove it? I know you mentioned not wanting to go down this route, but it could be leverage to make him cooperate with the process.

So your next steps could look like:

Get medical support for depression
Create your "going dark" plan
research annulment in detail (timing, actual submitals, steps,etc)
research legal action for adultery

Last edited by EarningIt; 09/23/13 09:33 PM.

Remember to hope.

Re: Newly married but on the rocks...please help [Re: EarningIt] #315598
09/23/13 06:21 PM
09/23/13 06:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,449
catperson Offline
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catperson  Offline
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Posts: 20,449
I get my ADs from my gynecologist.

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