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Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? #289900
04/07/13 10:39 PM
04/07/13 10:39 PM
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Andru Offline OP
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Andru  Offline OP
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Me and my ex wife are going through a divorce. She really wants to be friends and hangout. With and without our two kids. But I am having a hard time accepting the divorce. I wanted to work it out but she said it was done. But now she wants to be close friends with me. She also is talking to another guy. She said we should be able to hangout together with are kids. But I'm not ready for that. I am still hurting and miss my ex wife and I need time to get over her. What are something I should do? Any advice? Should I just suck it up and hangout with her and the kids?

Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: Andru] #289904
04/07/13 11:27 PM
04/07/13 11:27 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
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for to fade Offline
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Sorry you find yourself in this.

How long have you been married, how old are your kids?

Can you go into this a little more with a timeline of what happened and what you did as it happened?

The reason is, this om she is talking to, could very well be the reason this whole thing happened.

What she has said is almost out of a handbook.

tink

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 04/07/13 11:35 PM.
Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: Andru] #289906
04/07/13 11:29 PM
04/07/13 11:29 PM
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believer Offline
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Welcome, Andru, and glad you found us. It is a good place to be, considering the sad circumstances.

What were some of the problems that made her want to get a divorce? Are you certain she wasn't cheating with the other man before she filed?

Anyway, the answer is that you should not hang out with her and be close friends. She has fired you as her husband. You can work on being a good co-parent with her, but other than that, let her feel the consequences of being a divorced woman.

Stick with us and we will help you get a plan.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: believer] #289907
04/07/13 11:31 PM
04/07/13 11:31 PM
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Is she still in the home?

Who is with your kids most of the time?

Do you both work?

Have you left the home or her? If you have not left the home, I strongly suggest you do not move out, hold your ground.

For now, I know now that you found this site you may want to show it to her to save your marriage, but a lot of the advise you don't want her to know you are doing, so you may want to not give her a heads up.

tink

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 04/07/13 11:32 PM.
Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: Andru] #289909
04/07/13 11:55 PM
04/07/13 11:55 PM
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Andru Offline OP
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Andru  Offline OP
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Our kids are 6 and 2 I work from home as a graphic designer and she is a caregiver. I live with my father and she has her own place which I helped her get. We divorced
Because she said I never gave her attention and didn't want to take her out. But I thought we did a lot together with and without our children. We spent a lot of time together because she never had to work until now.

Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: Andru] #289917
04/08/13 12:59 AM
04/08/13 12:59 AM
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SFB Offline
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Andru:

How long ago were the divorce papers filed? And are they final, or still somewhere in the divorce process?

Which state are you in?

You work from home, but she is a caregiver? Who is she caring for? In your home or else where? Is she getting paid for this?

How long have you been married?

You helped her find a new place to move to? And then helped her move?

Do you have keys and access when ever you want to this new apartment/house?

You never gave her attention before, and now she wants more of it, now that you are getting divorced. Something wrong there, don't you think?

Understand, she has lined up a replacement for you, but, to make sure she feels better, she wants to "remain friends". If you approve of her actions, then, its better for here.

Are you getting screwed in the divorce papers, or are you doing better than expected?

Sorry you have to be here.

Time to put on your big boy pants. She likes wearing them. They will look better on you.

SFB
How long ago did she meet and start talking to this other man?




Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: SFB] #289938
04/08/13 04:48 AM
04/08/13 04:48 AM
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Mary Emma Offline
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The reason why she wants to see the other man and hang out with you is simple.

Cake eating.


She dumped you she loses the privilege of your company. Friends are people that do not put you through such terrible nonsense.



Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: Mary Emma] #290004
04/08/13 02:17 PM
04/08/13 02:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
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CajunRose Offline
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This is actually pretty normal behavior.

My xH left, and then described to me what he thought our divorced life would lookl ike. I pointed out that his vision was of a married couple who lived in different houses and got to date other people too. He was "SHOCKED" that I would think that.

He showed up early for kid exchanges and sat and chatted. He stayed on the phone after talking to the kids to talk to me.

In my case, this DID NOT mean that he wanted me back. He missed me because I had been such a big part of his life, and part of him did still love me. But he didn't want me anymore, except to fill that hole until he found someone else to fill it. He was weaning himself slowly off me, while I was seeing hope in everything he did.

Every person has to decide what level of contact would be good or bad for that person's mental health. It was bad for me to spend too much time with my xH, so I stopped.

In your shoes, I think I'd ask why your W wants to spend time with you now if she doesn't want to be married to you.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: CajunRose] #290113
04/08/13 07:45 PM
04/08/13 07:45 PM
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Andru, Firt off, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I want to tell you that the advice (and questions) you are getting from the posters here are unbelievably spot-on!! I have visited A LOT of websites/ forums in the past 6 months (I was divorced over 11 months ago) and if I would have found this site first, I may have been able to repair my marriage (even AFTER the divorce).

I don't want to hijack your thread, I only want to give you a glimpse of what NOT to do. Like you, I did not want a divorce, even though I caught my ex in an affair. It hit me like a ton of bricks & COMPLETELY out of nowhere. My ex was bound & determined to get a D. Best I can tell, she was a bored stay-at-home Mom who was turning 40 and thought the grass was greener elsewhere. This is where our stories are similar. I pined over her relentlessly. It only drove her further away. Even after the D was final, I acted like her best friend and kept doing things for and with her. I would hang out with her & my two girls whenever she wanted. BIG MISTAKE! Even though we were divorced, it was a form of cake eating. This is when the WS wants to detach & have another life, but also wants to act all buddy-buddy with the LBS.

Please DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! All it will do is make your pain greater & her recovery/ detachment from you easier. Like believer said, she fired you from being her husband. Let her experience the consequences of that decision. You are in incredible hands! Please listen to the advice from these posters!!

God bless & good luck!


Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: ABetterLifeAwaits] #290585
04/10/13 12:59 PM
04/10/13 12:59 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Andru,

"Friends"? Yes...in the sense that you are not hostile and can be civil and positive in your co-parenting duties. "Buddies"? Who hang out together...No.

There are certainly some benefits for children when divorcing parents are "friendly", so no one is suggesting you be cold or vindictive, but it is perfectly okay to let her know that "friendship" is a demotion you're not ready to embrace at this time...or possibly ever. She wants the best of both worlds, and if you give it to her....you will never be anything more than a friend to her. Let her feel....really feel what it's like not to have you for a safety net or to play "family" when she's broken this one.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: ABetterLifeAwaits] #342967
04/05/14 02:04 AM
04/05/14 02:04 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 425
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Oxfordvic Offline
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Originally Posted By: ABetterLifeAwaits
Andru, Firt off, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I want to tell you that the advice (and questions) you are getting from the posters here are unbelievably spot-on!! I have visited A LOT of websites/ forums in the past 6 months (I was divorced over 11 months ago) and if I would have found this site first, I may have been able to repair my marriage (even AFTER the divorce).

I don't want to hijack your thread, I only want to give you a glimpse of what NOT to do. Like you, I did not want a divorce, even though I caught my ex in an affair. It hit me like a ton of bricks & COMPLETELY out of nowhere. My ex was bound & determined to get a D. Best I can tell, she was a bored stay-at-home Mom who was turning 40 and thought the grass was greener elsewhere. This is where our stories are similar. I pined over her relentlessly. It only drove her further away. Even after the D was final, I acted like her best friend and kept doing things for and with her. I would hang out with her & my two girls whenever she wanted. BIG MISTAKE! Even though we were divorced, it was a form of cake eating. This is when the WS wants to detach & have another life, but also wants to act all buddy-buddy with the LBS.

Please DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! All it will do is make your pain greater & her recovery/ detachment from you easier. Like believer said, she fired you from being her husband. Let her experience the consequences of that decision. You are in incredible hands! Please listen to the advice from these posters!!

God bless & good luck!


Andru

I am not divorced yet. My wife has been all over the place. She is living with the other man (OM). I dont want to fill your thread with my story, but she wants to move home when he leaves back to his country, She says the same things to me as your EX and Abeeterlife's. She tellsme she loves me like a brother and has more in common with me than her OM, but she is In-love with him.. Life is mundane he offers her this fantasy life that I discuss in my thread.
Anyway the people here are really trying to get me to detach. Every time I listen she comes back either by texting or calling. Every time I initiate, she ignores me.

They are a patient group of people. Since you are already divorced and living separate I would really listen to their advice. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.

Good Luck to you

Re: Spending time with soon to be ex wife and kids good or bad in my situation? [Re: Oxfordvic] #342986
04/05/14 06:09 AM
04/05/14 06:09 AM
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You may not have noticed, Oxfordvic, but Andru posted this quite a while ago and hasn't been around for about a year now, so you probably won't get an answer on this thread...


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