Who's Online Now
1 registered members (MaidUpName), 6 guests, and 93 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Nonprofit Donations
2019 Campaign Meter
ProgressGoal
$200.00 
$2000
Paypal Donation to MA
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.What To Do149
2.A Smiling update18
3.i married a sex addict11
4.Cheating wife won’t admit affair9
5.I'm learning to talk9
6.WuD? - Moving on.8
7.***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga***8
8.Am I still a doormat?3
9.Circle of Safety Check1
10.Welcome Aboard, New Members!1
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation5
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
Delaware is now first US state to fully ban child marriage - CBS3
Nashville mayor resigns after affair, pleads guilty to theft2
7 Things Kids Need To Do For Themselves Before They Turn 13 - Healthyway1
When Is Porn Use a Problem? - Psychology Today2
14 Things To Never Post About Your Relationship On Social Media - FashionBeans1
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? #282249
02/26/13 07:17 PM
02/26/13 07:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
So, I am a two-time divorce "winner," and even though I have been with my guy, happily, for almost a year now, I sometimes finding myself doubting the possibility of a happy long-term relationship. Obviously, open communication is important. What else?


~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282251
02/26/13 07:19 PM
02/26/13 07:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,329
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,329
midwest
Not that I am an expert, after one divorce and a marriage that has led me here...but I think there's a certain amount of shared values that have to be present.

For instance my DH and I have a similar view of honesty and the place of honesty and open-ness in a relationship. Same thing with childrearing philosophy and money management.

It just paves the way for smoother sailing if you have similar views on these types of daily things, imo


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Miranda] #282549
02/28/13 01:35 PM
02/28/13 01:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
DR, you got my interest up, so I looked, and I found an article that looked good, what do you think?

7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success
  • 1. Do You Trust Your Partner?
  • 2. Are You and Your Partner Compatible in the Dimensions of Intimacy? Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Shared Activities
  • 3. What Type of Person Shows Up Within You in this Relationship?
  • 4. Does Your Partner’s Communication Lift You Up or Bring You Down?
  • 5. How do You and Your Partner Deal with Conflict in the Relationship?
  • 6. How do You and Your Partner Handle External Adversity and Crisis Together?
  • 7. Do You Have Compatible Financial Values?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: NewEveryDay] #282550
02/28/13 01:38 PM
02/28/13 01:38 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: NewEveryDay] #282657
02/28/13 08:00 PM
02/28/13 08:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Those are great, and thanks for the link. Overall, I think we have excellent communication and problem-solving abilities. He's the calm to my anxiety, and our conflicts are less arguing and more shared problem-solving. We share values, we are compatible in most areas, and I feel like I am my best self when I am with him.

Financially, we need some work. ;-)


~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282668
02/28/13 08:28 PM
02/28/13 08:28 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
Financial disagreements are one of the biggest causes of discord. I hope you get those worked out before you live with or marry him.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282670
02/28/13 08:31 PM
02/28/13 08:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
That's great you two have so much going for you. I agree with the article the trust thing is essential, but having a great gut feeling from the beginning isn't going to take the place of taking time to watch the data filter in. We got off to a great start, but after a crisis I went to an old default of enmeshment, and it took me a while to figure out what was wrong. The folks here helped me get back on the straight and narrow, though, so I've been working on that and I feel a lot more at home now, like the "me" I bring to the relationship a lot better. Communication and problem-solving have gotten a lot better too with mindfulness and practice.

When I think about my ex, we meshed in a lot of areas, but were communicated really badly when we were upset, and dealt cringe-worthingly poorly with conflict when it came up. We tried but didn't have the skills then.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: believer] #282688
02/28/13 09:22 PM
02/28/13 09:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Originally Posted By: believer
Financial disagreements are one of the biggest causes of discord. I hope you get those worked out before you live with or marry him.


I have told him that I will likely not combine finances with him, unless we can do some serious counseling about that. It's not that he is irresponsible at all; but he will spend every last cent of his pay check. Fortunately, he earns MUCH more than I do.


~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282702
02/28/13 09:49 PM
02/28/13 09:49 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
Get that settled before you live with him. It's important for couples to save money and work towards goals like having a nice home, vacations, and a safety net.

My sons' father made much more than I and spent every cent before we got married. But he was willing to consider my style and let me handle the finances. It worked out well for both of us.

My ex was unwilling to let me help, and it was a nightmare. I almost didn't get married to him because of our different financial views. In hindsight, I should have just lived with him. He promised to change, but once we were married, he continued his spendthrift ways.

I'm the type who will look at new cars for months before I decide whether or not to buy. He was the type who makes rash decisions. Just 2 weeks after we married, we went to look at cars, with the understanding we were only window shopping. A day later, he "surprised" me with a new car. I broke out crying because I hated the car, but was obligated to pay for half of it. Then I felt bad because he was so proud of himself.

Things continued downhill. When we divorced, although I lost half of our income, I came out ahead, because the hole in the family finances was plugged.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: believer] #282746
02/28/13 11:15 PM
02/28/13 11:15 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
My ex and I were toxic. We could not get along AT ALL, and we still cannot, even though we are co-parenting. But the one realm we never had issues in was financial. We never fought about money; we were both quite frugal and practical. I went through all of my credit cards after the divorce, but I am back on track now.

I drive an eight-year-old car with 112,000 miles. It's paid for. I rarely go out to eat on my own, and maybe I will pick up a Starbucks once a week. But I like designer jeans and Coach purses, and I will spend $$ on my running shoes. My sweetie has purchased a new car and a new motorcycle since we have been dating (11 months). He buys and sells guns and classic muscle car parts. He eats out every day.

His best friend is in the same type of relationship -- the wife is frugal, and he is the spender. We have talked about making our relationship work and how we will go about that. For now, I am trying to lead by example.


~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282751
02/28/13 11:25 PM
02/28/13 11:25 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
A new car and a motorcylce isn't necessarily bad. Does he own his own home and have money in savings?


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: believer] #282754
02/28/13 11:34 PM
02/28/13 11:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
He is renting for now... has been since the divorce (2.5 years). We will find a rental in our area when we move in together, and he will look to buy in the same area if that goes well. Obviously, marriage might change the settings, if that is where we are headed.

Savings... not liquidated cash, at least nothing more than a few $k. He collects guns, so if he had to, he could sell those for quite a profit. He also has two classic, works-in-progress cars that he own outright and could sell. He is very good at buying low and selling high, and I have seen him make several thousand in the process.


~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282762
03/01/13 12:00 AM
03/01/13 12:00 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
I like classic cars, guns, and motorcycles!

I keep forgetting how old you are. Do you want to own a nice home together? Do you want to have a safey net in savings? BTW, the safety net should be 6 months pay for the two of you. And it should be savings in the bank.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: believer] #282813
03/01/13 01:12 PM
03/01/13 01:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
Believer, I have some savings in the bank, and it was nagging at me, like it should invested. So I'm relieved to hear we should have some short term savings. It's not 6 months' pay though. Is that a goal everyone is supposed to work towards? I'm confused because I thought folks were supposed to focus on funding retirement. My fiancee isn't on the same page, like doesn't own a house, and is paying off some debt from his previous marriage, but I guess I assumed that I have a good system in place and together we're set up for success.

I have a name of a financial advisor, I guess I need to just make the appointment already.



"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: NewEveryDay] #282831
03/01/13 03:11 PM
03/01/13 03:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
I am not too concerned about being on the title of a house. My primary concern, at my age (38), is getting out of debt, having an emergency savings, and planning for retirement. We both just got our state and Federal refunds, and I put mine right into savings, and he is not sure what to do with his. I never try to tell him what to do, but he asked, so I told him savings would be a great idea. We talked last night again, and it solidified my thoughts that we are on the right path.

NED, have you heard of Dave Ramsey? He is on the radio, but he also has a book: The Total Money Makeover. He has seven baby steps to building wealth. Okay, as a teacher, I am never going to be wealthy, but I like his plans: 1. Build a baby emergency savings ($1,000); 2. Pay off all debt, except for the house, 3. build an emergency savings (3-6 months of expenses) 4... I forget what the last steps are, as I am on the second step right now. But it included paying off the mortgage, putting money into a college savings plan, and preparing for retirement.

The EX and I were on step three when we split, and I did the crazy divorce thing and charged on my credit cards.... So started over, but getting there.

Last edited by Desert Rose; 03/01/13 03:12 PM.

~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282840
03/01/13 03:48 PM
03/01/13 03:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
Dave Ramsey is great, and has helped a lot of people get their finances in order.

And everyone needs a 6 month emergency fund, where they can get the money immediately.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282846
03/01/13 04:18 PM
03/01/13 04:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
I looked that up, and I'm doing better than I thought. Back when I was married, we were working on funding retirement. We didn't have short term savings but it was easy to get a 0 percent API credit card when things came up. But I can see how having short term savings makes a lot more sense then assuming credit will always be as easy to tap as it is today. I do have 6 months of spending in savings, so I'll upped my 401k to 15%, and will watch it and make sure I still have enough to pay the bills like this.

If not, what do you do, just cut it back to what you can afford, and figure you'll get a raise in the future?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: NewEveryDay] #282847
03/01/13 04:27 PM
03/01/13 04:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
Okay, the part that confused me is, my car is paid off, but when it goes, you cut back retirement saving until the replacement car is paid off?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: NewEveryDay] #282866
03/01/13 05:14 PM
03/01/13 05:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Hmmm... Channeling Dave here:

You would take the money for the new (used) car out of your savings, so it is paid in full, then work to re-establish your savings.

I'm stuck on that as well, as my car is paid off, but it is getting up there, and I will have to get a new (used) one in the next two years.


~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282892
03/01/13 06:25 PM
03/01/13 06:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
Okay I can see how that makes sense, you take the money out of savings instead of paying financing fees. Any suggestions where to put savings so it is both liquid and gives a nice rate of return?

You give me a lot of food for thought for talking finances with my fiancee.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: NewEveryDay] #282893
03/01/13 06:26 PM
03/01/13 06:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
Like you would plan to save enough the next two years to pay the car in cash, right? After the current debts are paid off?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: NewEveryDay] #282901
03/01/13 07:01 PM
03/01/13 07:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Right. My car cost me $7,600. It's old, not too pleasing to the eye, has a lot of miles on her, and I have had to put money into it to keep it going, but it's paid off, and that is a good feeling not to have a car payment... instead of making payments on a car that someone else owns, ticking up the interest.

My next car will be about the same.


~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #282902
03/01/13 07:04 PM
03/01/13 07:04 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,329
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,329
midwest
My dad always used to tell me that until I was putting more money into repairing it per month than a car payment on something else would be, I needed to keep it. Even if it was ugly and a pain in the azz.

Now of course he wants me to have something nice and newish, because he's getting older, and I'm his baby girl and my husband should SPOIL me....

He's right in all directions now that I think about it though...

Last edited by Miranda; 03/01/13 07:04 PM.

When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Miranda] #282906
03/01/13 07:33 PM
03/01/13 07:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
Desert Rose Offline OP
Member
Desert Rose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
I put $1,000 into mine last year, and just replaced the radiator for $500 two weeks ago (it overheated). I ended up stranded with my DD4 in the car. For a few days, I was determined to bu a brand new car with a warranty... but then I realized that I'd being going against everything I have worked so hard to avoid.

My sweetie is great with cars, so he can keep mine going for a while,


~*~Desert Rose~*~

Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship? [Re: Desert Rose] #284360
03/08/13 01:22 PM
03/08/13 01:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,673
The car I have now was a new one I bought 2 years ago. I've always gotten cars a few years old, because it's a better value, and I'm sure that's what I'll do next time, too. But I figured just this once, it's okay. Like Miranda, my Dad had talked to me about getting a newer car, and it stuck with me, having something in warranty again.

But I agree DR you made a smart move.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Newest Members
Neets08, 13defroad, Firework, Dianna, stayingpositive
2037 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
What To Do149
Circle of Safety Check3
Asparagus? Info on possible health benefits1
Glimpse of light in the tunnel3
Husband living w/ mom and affair42
things coming together...9
Karma showing it's lil head?3
A good outcome... crossing fingers5
hear ye, hear ye6
Tornado: AL,GA, FL areas and traveling north.3
Community Information
2037Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8464Topics
460780Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.025s Queries: 15 (0.004s) Memory: 3.3631 MB (Peak: 3.7070 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2019-06-18 07:42:07 UTC