|
 |
 |
 |
 |
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship?
[Re: Desert Rose]
#282670
02/28/13 08:31 PM
02/28/13 08:31 PM
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,728
NewEveryDay
Advocate
|
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,728
|
That's great you two have so much going for you. I agree with the article the trust thing is essential, but having a great gut feeling from the beginning isn't going to take the place of taking time to watch the data filter in. We got off to a great start, but after a crisis I went to an old default of enmeshment, and it took me a while to figure out what was wrong. The folks here helped me get back on the straight and narrow, though, so I've been working on that and I feel a lot more at home now, like the "me" I bring to the relationship a lot better. Communication and problem-solving have gotten a lot better too with mindfulness and practice.
When I think about my ex, we meshed in a lot of areas, but were communicated really badly when we were upset, and dealt cringe-worthingly poorly with conflict when it came up. We tried but didn't have the skills then.
"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship?
[Re: Desert Rose]
#282702
02/28/13 09:49 PM
02/28/13 09:49 PM
|
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
believer
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
|
Get that settled before you live with him. It's important for couples to save money and work towards goals like having a nice home, vacations, and a safety net.
My sons' father made much more than I and spent every cent before we got married. But he was willing to consider my style and let me handle the finances. It worked out well for both of us.
My ex was unwilling to let me help, and it was a nightmare. I almost didn't get married to him because of our different financial views. In hindsight, I should have just lived with him. He promised to change, but once we were married, he continued his spendthrift ways.
I'm the type who will look at new cars for months before I decide whether or not to buy. He was the type who makes rash decisions. Just 2 weeks after we married, we went to look at cars, with the understanding we were only window shopping. A day later, he "surprised" me with a new car. I broke out crying because I hated the car, but was obligated to pay for half of it. Then I felt bad because he was so proud of himself.
Things continued downhill. When we divorced, although I lost half of our income, I came out ahead, because the hole in the family finances was plugged.
"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship?
[Re: believer]
#282746
02/28/13 11:15 PM
02/28/13 11:15 PM
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461 The Desert
Desert Rose
OP
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
|
My ex and I were toxic. We could not get along AT ALL, and we still cannot, even though we are co-parenting. But the one realm we never had issues in was financial. We never fought about money; we were both quite frugal and practical. I went through all of my credit cards after the divorce, but I am back on track now.
I drive an eight-year-old car with 112,000 miles. It's paid for. I rarely go out to eat on my own, and maybe I will pick up a Starbucks once a week. But I like designer jeans and Coach purses, and I will spend $$ on my running shoes. My sweetie has purchased a new car and a new motorcycle since we have been dating (11 months). He buys and sells guns and classic muscle car parts. He eats out every day.
His best friend is in the same type of relationship -- the wife is frugal, and he is the spender. We have talked about making our relationship work and how we will go about that. For now, I am trying to lead by example.
~*~Desert Rose~*~
Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship?
[Re: believer]
#282754
02/28/13 11:34 PM
02/28/13 11:34 PM
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461 The Desert
Desert Rose
OP
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
|
He is renting for now... has been since the divorce (2.5 years). We will find a rental in our area when we move in together, and he will look to buy in the same area if that goes well. Obviously, marriage might change the settings, if that is where we are headed.
Savings... not liquidated cash, at least nothing more than a few $k. He collects guns, so if he had to, he could sell those for quite a profit. He also has two classic, works-in-progress cars that he own outright and could sell. He is very good at buying low and selling high, and I have seen him make several thousand in the process.
~*~Desert Rose~*~
Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Re: Ingredients for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship?
[Re: NewEveryDay]
#282831
03/01/13 03:11 PM
03/01/13 03:11 PM
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461 The Desert
Desert Rose
OP
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 461
The Desert
|
I am not too concerned about being on the title of a house. My primary concern, at my age (38), is getting out of debt, having an emergency savings, and planning for retirement. We both just got our state and Federal refunds, and I put mine right into savings, and he is not sure what to do with his. I never try to tell him what to do, but he asked, so I told him savings would be a great idea. We talked last night again, and it solidified my thoughts that we are on the right path.
NED, have you heard of Dave Ramsey? He is on the radio, but he also has a book: The Total Money Makeover. He has seven baby steps to building wealth. Okay, as a teacher, I am never going to be wealthy, but I like his plans: 1. Build a baby emergency savings ($1,000); 2. Pay off all debt, except for the house, 3. build an emergency savings (3-6 months of expenses) 4... I forget what the last steps are, as I am on the second step right now. But it included paying off the mortgage, putting money into a college savings plan, and preparing for retirement.
The EX and I were on step three when we split, and I did the crazy divorce thing and charged on my credit cards.... So started over, but getting there.
Last edited by Desert Rose; 03/01/13 03:12 PM.
~*~Desert Rose~*~
Love it a verb, not a noun. It is an action we take, not a feeling that changes over time.
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|