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Dating thoughts #276021
01/25/13 01:30 PM
01/25/13 01:30 PM
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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I am happily married. smile. But I am curious what others think about dr. Harley's advice to date 30 people before choosing one. There is a poster on MB who is taking some heat over her abrupt departure from following the MB way of living.....she met a guy and likes him and is going to date him exclusively to see if he is suitable for her....

Anytime I start posting to a thread over there it turns into attack SW, so I gave up....

Re: Dating thoughts [Re: SmilingWife] #276024
01/25/13 02:16 PM
01/25/13 02:16 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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I think if you have a really good idea of what you want from someone, then there is no minimum number of people to date. If you aren't sure what you want, aren't sure what is important to you, or don't know very much about relationships, then you may want to date more before deciding to commit to someone.

My xH was the third man I dated. We were very young and didn't realize that some of our differences were so large.

After I divorced, I went on 4 first dates. Night was the only one who earned a second date.



Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: CajunRose] #276037
01/25/13 04:03 PM
01/25/13 04:03 PM
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Mary Emma Offline
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30! really? That seems excessive. I think if you find a match you find a match. I think it wise not to just jump into the next relationship however 30 people- I just can not imagine it!


Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: Mary Emma] #276041
01/25/13 04:18 PM
01/25/13 04:18 PM
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believer Offline
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Sorry that happened, SmilingWife.

I like Al Turtle's plan. He met his wife on date #16 -

Here is my suggestion:
My best guess about how to go about locating Mr. Right or Ms. Right or your “soul mate” is to make yourself available to the selection process built into your own psyche, and to that of others. Plan on "checking out" about 100 people who are all reasonable Imago candidates. (By the way, you can play a lot while doing this. I think being playful is a wonderful skill, that is natural in childhood, and not to be forgotten in adulthood.)

Think of where the kinds of people, you want to be with, are. Right now, where are they? Where do they gather? Where do they hang out? If you do not like the bar scene, stay way. If you like the outdoors, where are outdoor lovers. If you like the temperament of religious people, consider going there. If you love science, where are those who love science. If you love watching TV, notice what you really like on TV, and think of where people who like the same things will be when they leave their TVs and go out. It is true you only need one person, but you have to get involved with the selection process in order to pick and be picked by that one.

Now, build a cheap and repeatable selection scheme. What I mean is that I think you need about 4 hours in the presence of a person to let your selection process kick off. Sure, the romantic “look across the room” does happen, but is followed up with a 4 hour or so time needed together. Most looks across the room do not survive the 4-hour test. So I believe you need to set up a simple, repeatable testing process at least 4 hours long.

During those four hours of your selection scheme, be with each other, alone. Do not go to a movie, play, opera, as that will distract you from each other too much. Walk in a park, by the bay, in the forest, on the beach, by the lake, have a nice coffee visit, go to a training seminar, etc. Make it seem very safe to your guest. It is probably a good thing to be alone, where others can see you from a distance. Experience each other and see whether both want to go further with time together. My rule is “Have enough distractions to make things easy, but not too many.”

I suggest you use the same scheme on each possible Imago candidate. ‘Tis cheaper and simpler. Remember, things have to “click” with both people for things to go much further. Your partner may be your Imago match, while you are not theirs. Live with it! I suggest you do not spend months with one person, if magic is not happening. Move on to the next Imago candidate.

This seems a tragic mistake with young people, spending months and years with someone for whom they did not feel any spark at all, and thus not going out and looking. Oh, and it is important to separate those we have had no spark with, from those who we are now in the power struggle with.

Kind of perversely, I believe a Power Struggle partner, was/is an Imago Match, and should be treated as a “keeper.” I suggest you divorce or split from “the relationship” you are having with this person. Leave that “relationship” behind by converting that Power Struggle into the University of Life and building a new relationship, Vintage Love, with them.

Remember, with the right person, magic (PEA) will emerge, followed by a "nice period of time" (days, weeks, months), followed by the Power Struggle. The fighting time is when you need to start working and learning all those things and skills that you have not learned yet to be able to stay with that partner.

I took all my Imago candidates to a wildlife refuge for a walk in the wild. It cost me drive time, which was a good connection time. It cost me arranging food for lunch, which was a good connecting activity. It cost me time. That was it. I kept at it through almost 16 women. The last is my wife, and she brought little bottles of Lancers wine with her in her purse to lunch! She was/is a “keeper.”

http://www.alturtle.com/archives/1065


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: believer] #276065
01/25/13 05:36 PM
01/25/13 05:36 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 527
night Offline
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MB sounds a cult of fanboys.
Or the Borg.


Success isn't measured by the money in your bank
Or by how many peoples heads you climbed upon and never thought to thank
It isn't about how many cars you own or holidays in the sun
True success is not being afraid to walk, while all the others run.
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: SmilingWife] #276068
01/25/13 05:51 PM
01/25/13 05:51 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 527
night Offline
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night  Offline
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Originally Posted By: SmilingWife
I am happily married. smile. But I am curious what others think about dr. Harley's advice to date 30 people before choosing one. There is a poster on MB who is taking some heat over her abrupt departure from following the MB way of living.....she met a guy and likes him and is going to date him exclusively to see if he is suitable for her....


Some just want to make non-stop entertainment out of it all.
Some are actually looking for something and when they find it, they keep it. I also get the feeling they really mean date 30, not meet 30. Which is seriously dragging things on.

I was Rose's 2nd meeting out of 4, she was my 3rd out of 6. We didn't hit it off immediately, but there was something memorable and we gave it a second try and ignited.
Some of it was luck, some of it was attracting the right kind of person to begin with.


Success isn't measured by the money in your bank
Or by how many peoples heads you climbed upon and never thought to thank
It isn't about how many cars you own or holidays in the sun
True success is not being afraid to walk, while all the others run.
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: night] #276069
01/25/13 05:56 PM
01/25/13 05:56 PM
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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It has gotten crazy over there. There was a time when they would leave the people on the divorced and dating threads alone...but even that is now subject to the extreme treatment of only discussing MB principles.

I was telling the poster that it doesn't always take a long time of dating to make a decision yes or no....that I met and married my dh in 11 weeks. Suddenly a poster I don't even recognize begins saying to me that I was resenting myself falsely because my situation isn't all that great. .???

I was so stunned....but anyway I think the 30 dates idea is over the top. Getting a contrast effect? Sure. That can be done in lots of ways....just getting yourself around people....to see what kind od person you enjoy etc. in my case by the time I was 45 I had lived enough life to know what I did and did not want.

I loved Al's dating method above. I wonder though if he had found one he liked at date 2, 6, 10 would he have stopped then or did he have some preset number.

I have often thought that dating is a matter of timing....a dozen things falling into place for two people to meet at the right time of their life.

Re: Dating thoughts [Re: SmilingWife] #276077
01/25/13 06:16 PM
01/25/13 06:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
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CajunRose Offline
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Originally Posted By: SmilingWife
I have often thought that dating is a matter of timing....a dozen things falling into place for two people to meet at the right time of their life.


I think you're right, and I think that fits with what Al says too. It explains why so many people reconnect with a previous love (or get remarried after divorce) - you connect with someone, they are a good match, but the circumstances just aren't right yet to make it work.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: CajunRose] #276142
01/26/13 02:30 AM
01/26/13 02:30 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
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It would take years to date 30 people. It may be better to calculate a certain percentage by the population in the area of the person looking for a partner to be fair.

It is kind of an average grade school classroom size. crazy

Last edited by littlered; 01/26/13 02:52 AM.
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: for to fade] #276143
01/26/13 02:44 AM
01/26/13 02:44 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
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The dating in the wildlife preserve, I am not sure a person can be judged properly in that location. And what are they being rated on? To properly rate in a preserve I feel the daters would need to be repelled in and left alone with the animals with no weapons.

Last edited by littlered; 01/26/13 02:48 AM.
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: for to fade] #276382
01/28/13 01:41 PM
01/28/13 01:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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NewEveryDay Offline
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NewEveryDay  Offline
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SW, I hang out over there, too. I'm not caught up with the threads, and I don't know which one you're talking about, but I can totally understand not wanting to see someone make the same mistakes and paying the same consequences over and over. I haven't dated near 30 people in my lifetime, but I know lots of folks who have, and I can totally see how it makes sense, take your time and get to know what you want, because choosing wrong is going to make someone nothing but miserable. And they probably aren't going to know right away how miserable that decision will make them.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: NewEveryDay] #276448
01/28/13 06:41 PM
01/28/13 06:41 PM
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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SmilingWife  Offline OP
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It is Indies New Life in the Dating and Relationships forum.

I agree it is not wise to rush into marriage. I just don't know how realistic it is to date 30 people. Unless it is some sort of speed dating. Even a date a week would take you 7 months...and that is assuming you can find that many available dates!

When I first read that 30 date 'suggestion' (of course these days all his suggestions are view as gospel) I thought the intent was to get to know a lot of people so you can see what kind of person you like best. I think that is a good idea, but I don't believe it has to be done in a one on one setting via 'a date'.

But that is just me. I like that here I can express that opinion.

Re: Dating thoughts [Re: SmilingWife] #276454
01/28/13 07:02 PM
01/28/13 07:02 PM
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I'm on number 51, SW. And that is over a 2 year period. I will admit I've been stuck on 50 to 51 for almost a year, though. I've run out of steam and am taking a break.

My guess would be that most people won't have to date more than around 15 people, but I'm doing it through OkCupid, and haven't been too particular.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Dating thoughts [Re: believer] #276456
01/28/13 07:05 PM
01/28/13 07:05 PM
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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SmilingWife  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: believer
I'm on number 51, SW. And that is over a 2 year period. I will admit I've been stuck on 50 to 51 for almost a year, though. I've run out of steam and am taking a break.

My guess would be that most people won't have to date more than around 15 people, but I'm doing it through OkCupid, and haven't been too particular.


And you feel that is working well for you?

Honestly, I think there are many combinations of people that can have a happy life together if proper principles are applied...It isn't like there is just 'ONE" out there.


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