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#246590 - 07/11/12 11:49 PM The Walkaway Husband
Lil
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The walkaway wife is a well known phenomenon. The WAW tells their H a million times there is a problem and wants to get help The H isn't receptive and one day the WAW hits her threshold for patience and loses all hope and leaves.

Often when an H walks out, the assumption is that there is an OW. But what advice would we give if it is a genuine WAH situation? What do we know about WAH's?
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#246591 - 07/11/12 11:53 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
believer
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Well, we seem to have one here now. See troubled marriage.
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#246592 - 07/11/12 11:55 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: believer]
Lil
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Its what got me interested. And what made me realise that its something MA has never explored before.
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#246593 - 07/12/12 12:02 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
Lil
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I did find this article on scribe'd, but it was hard to work out if they were discussing a WAH, or a WH
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#246598 - 07/12/12 12:28 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
Lil
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Scattered bits I am finding on the WWW:

- the WAH will tightly hold onto the old cliché that a leopard cannot change it's spots despite the fact that people can and do change

- The Walk Away Husband is a master (and makes an art form out of it) turning all those once attractive qualities the LBS has (and those that attracted them to the LBS in the first place) into their polar opposite "negatives”...if you were prudent and "good at handling money" previously you are now "a tight assed miser".

- The WAH is at high risk of an extramarital affair

- [The WAH become] Fed up but NEVER talked about it over the years, told me the marriage was history, and left.

- euphemistically, in the past, this was likely called a man having a "mid-life crisis".

- Technically, its called the Walk Away Spouse Syndrome, because husbands do walk away, although less frequently.

- often have gone through an emotional divorce and now desire to be unattached legally from their spouse.

- "Walkaway" spouses use abandonment to avoid taking responsibility for their own deficiencies or their own disappointment in the marriage. Many delude themselves with the fantasy that a different partner or a different living arrangement will bring them satisfaction.

- "Walkaway spouse" is something of a misnomer. People rarely leave a marriage unless they are "walking" toward something else. In virtually every case, that "something else" is either another relationship or a habit/compulsion they instinctively know is incompatible with their marriage. However, they rarely divulge the real motivation for leaving, which they also instinctively know to be immoral. Instead, "walkaway" spouses try to convince their bewildered partners that the reason for leaving is something else, most commonly something about the remaining spouse.



Characteristics of a Walk Away Spouse:

* Uncommunicative
* Cold and distant.
* Spends large amounts of time away from home.
* Irritable and impatient.
* Wants the divorce process to move along quickly.
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#246825 - 07/13/12 08:26 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
Praying4hubby
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Registered: 12/18/11
Posts: 196
Originally Posted By: lildoggie
Scattered bits I am finding on the WWW:

- the WAH will tightly hold onto the old cliché that a leopard cannot change it's spots despite the fact that people can and do change

- The Walk Away Husband is a master (and makes an art form out of it) turning all those once attractive qualities the LBS has (and those that attracted them to the LBS in the first place) into their polar opposite "negatives”...if you were prudent and "good at handling money" previously you are now "a tight assed miser".

- The WAH is at high risk of an extramarital affair

- [The WAH become] Fed up but NEVER talked about it over the years, told me the marriage was history, and left.

- euphemistically, in the past, this was likely called a man having a "mid-life crisis".

- Technically, its called the Walk Away Spouse Syndrome, because husbands do walk away, although less frequently.

- often have gone through an emotional divorce and now desire to be unattached legally from their spouse.

- "Walkaway" spouses use abandonment to avoid taking responsibility for their own deficiencies or their own disappointment in the marriage. Many delude themselves with the fantasy that a different partner or a different living arrangement will bring them satisfaction.

- "Walkaway spouse" is something of a misnomer. People rarely leave a marriage unless they are "walking" toward something else. In virtually every case, that "something else" is either another relationship or a habit/compulsion they instinctively know is incompatible with their marriage. However, they rarely divulge the real motivation for leaving, which they also instinctively know to be immoral. Instead, "walkaway" spouses try to convince their bewildered partners that the reason for leaving is something else, most commonly something about the remaining spouse.



Characteristics of a Walk Away Spouse:

* Uncommunicative
* Cold and distant.
* Spends large amounts of time away from home.
* Irritable and impatient.
* Wants the divorce process to move along quickly.


where did you find this stuff. This is my WxH exactly. What are the solutions? What does a betrayed wife do when this happens? Why are they like this?
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#246905 - 07/13/12 06:35 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Praying4hubby]
Lil
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Google "walkaway husband" and you'll find lots of discussions about the topic, although nothing particularly comprehensive.

After spending a couple of days looking at this, I am rapidly concluding that the walkaway wife and the walk away husband are exactly the same kettle of fish. The only differences I can see is that the Walk Away Wife will put up with a bad marriage a lot longer than a Walk Away Husband (decades versus a hand full of years); and that the WAH seems to enter into a new relationship faster than the WAW.
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#246906 - 07/13/12 06:38 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
Lil
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As far as what to do, I guess the same stuff you do for a walkaway wife, and either a wayward husband, or a wayward wife - work on yourself and let them do what they're going to do, with or without your approval.

Have you read up on ENs, LBs etc?
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#247036 - 07/14/12 02:15 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
Not2fun
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Originally Posted By: lildoggie
The only differences I can see is that the Walk Away Wife will put up with a bad marriage a lot longer than a Walk Away Husband (decades versus a hand full of years);


That surprises me....... scratch
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#247054 - 07/14/12 05:12 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Not2fun]
Lil
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Registered: 08/30/10
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Loc: Ness
Me too.

I have wondered if the info includes guys who make the marriage tolerable by going out with the boys, and having obsessive hobbies in order to avoid being around the wife.

The marriage would still be terrible, but they can ignore it better. Meanwhile, the wife is counting the days till the kids leave home...
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#310947 - 08/22/13 02:25 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Not2fun]
Lil
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Registered: 08/30/10
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Originally Posted By: Not2fun
Originally Posted By: lildoggie
The only differences I can see is that the Walk Away Wife will put up with a bad marriage a lot longer than a Walk Away Husband (decades versus a hand full of years);


That surprises me....... scratch


Just read something that made sense - A WAH often just ups and leaves, catching the wife by surprise since he never voices any real disatisfaction. However, WAW's have generally tried to express the problems over the years and feels unheard and gjust ives up.
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#310953 - 08/22/13 09:10 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
holdingontoit
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Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 3453
I would be very interested to see if there are studies whether this plays out the same at work. Do men tend to "up and leave" more abruptly than women?
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#311443 - 08/26/13 12:20 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: holdingontoit]
Jayne241
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You mean, to leave their jobs?
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#311465 - 08/26/13 04:08 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Jayne241]
Lil
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Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7334
Loc: Ness
Makes sense I guess. Man gets fed up at work, but feels unable for whatever reason to express disatisfaction. Things come to a head, and man ups and leave, catching everyone by surprise.
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#341339 - 03/22/14 10:09 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
Lil
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Registered: 08/30/10
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Loc: Ness
Wife Abandonment Syndrome

The reason that Wife Abandonment Syndrome is so traumatic is that the change in the husband's behavior is dramatic, sudden and unexplained.

In order to justify his decision not to include his wife in the process that led to the end of the marriage, he needs to come up with a compelling explanation for his actions. That explanation often has little to do with reality, causing the bewildered wife, who had previously trusted her husband's word, to wrack her brains trying to make sense out of something that is inherently nonsensical.

The type of man who abandons often appears to be unusually moral and trustworthy, making it even harder for the wife to accept that his words are empty justifications. The most important first step in healing for a woman in this situation is the realization that her husband is not the man she thought she knew and that he never was.

Ten Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

2. The husband had never indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

3. By the time he reveals his feelings to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and the husband moves out quickly.

4. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

5. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

6. The husband’s behavior changes radically, feeling to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

7. The husband exhibits no remorse; rather, anger is directed toward his wife and he may describe himself as the victim.

8. In most cases, the husband is having an affair and moves in directly with his girlfriend.

9. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been extinguished.

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband redefines what had previously been an agreed-upon view of the couple's joint history.

Warning Signs for Married Women of Possible W.A.S. (even if your husband has not talked about being unhappy in the marriage)

1. Has he had affairs in the past or left previous relationships in a similar way, even if you were the one for whom he left his last wife. That's the strongest predictor that he has what it takes to do that again.

2. Does he seem uncharacteristically unhappy with his life, even if his complaints are not related to the marriage. It's a sign that he may be re-thinking his life.

3. Do you notice a personality change? Does he just not seem himself? Is he withdrawn or suddenly irritable? Is he snapping at the children or not wanting to participate in family activities?

4. Are his habits changing - suddenly going to the gym, buying flashier clothes, dying his hair, getting a tattoo, buying an expensive car?

5. Do his values seem to be in flux? Is he adopting ideas that he used to belittle or belittling things he used to value? Is he espousing new beliefs that surprise you?

6. Is he taking "business" trips or disappearing for periods of time and the reasons given just don't seem to make sense?

7. Has he started to frequently mention a woman at work?

8. Does he work in a career in which he is in a position of power or authority, such as a professor, pastor, business executive or chaplain, where younger women may look up to him?

Gaslighting

In an effort to validate leaving, departing husbands devise nonsensical excuses and re-write the past, reversing statements that they had previously made. This greatly confuses their wives, often causing them to feel like they are losing their minds. This form of manipulation is called Gaslighting in reference to a 1944 Ingrid Bergman film, Gaslight, in which in which the devious husband of the delicate heroine flickers the gaslights every evening as part of a plan of psychological torture designed to delude her into believing that she has gone mad.

Women who are subjected to Wife Abandonment Syndrome are often presented with statements that are contrary to those their husbands made prior to leaving. For example, the man who used to say that his wife was "the rock of his life" now says, "I never really loved you". Women are forced to question their own memories and are at a loss to know what to believe – it's almost impossible to accept that their husbands are just out-and-out lying to strengthen their positions.

source
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#341347 - 03/23/14 12:29 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
NeverGuessed
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Lil, did your research lead you to believe this WAH phenomenon is increasing in frequency? I would think it is.

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#341390 - 03/23/14 08:07 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
poet
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Registered: 12/09/10
Posts: 1918
Originally Posted By: Lil
Wife Abandonment Syndrome
Women who are subjected to Wife Abandonment Syndrome are often presented with statements that are contrary to those their husbands made prior to leaving. For example, the man who used to say that his wife was "the rock of his life" now says, "I never really loved you". Women are forced to question their own memories and are at a loss to know what to believe – it's almost impossible to accept that their husbands are just out-and-out lying to strengthen their positions.

source


Thanks for this Lil. I kind of knew this in my heart but it has taken a long time to believe it.
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#341428 - 03/24/14 10:08 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: poet]
holdingontoit
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Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 3453
This syndrome is not surprising to me. If a husband feels that any complaints or requests for change will be met with refusal and ridicule, some percentage of husbands won't share their true feelings. Eventually, when he can no longer tolerate the unsatisfying marriage (warning sign #2 - unhappy with his life), he "snaps" and finally admits the truth. That he has been unhappy for a long time. And that he wants out TODAY, because he has actually wanted out for a long time but did not have the guts to admit it.

I feel sympathy for a wife who faces this situation if she would have been willng to make changes had her husband complained sooner.

My only quibble is with Hallmark #5, that his reasons are nonsensical or fraudulent. I imagine that in a substantial portion of the cases where there is no affair, it is his discussions with his wife pre-abandonment that were fraudulent. While he wanted to remain in the marriage, he told her what he thought she wanted to hear. Now that he wants out, he tells the truth.

Iif he is in an affair, then the typical lyng and rewriting of history will be present, and that generally is nonsensical and unreal. But if a guy is willing to leave without having an affair, I think there is a decent chance that what was a lie was everything he said before he was ready to leave.
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#341485 - 03/24/14 08:54 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: holdingontoit]
Lil
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Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7334
Loc: Ness
Quote:
But if a guy is willing to leave without having an affair, I think there is a decent chance that what was a lie was everything he said before he was ready to leave.


This would agree with entirely.

NG, I havent noticed anything in particular, but its not a topic I have spent a lot of time on.

Poet, youre welcome
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#341492 - 03/24/14 09:16 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
herfuturesbright
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Registered: 09/15/10
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Loc: The Castle Aaaggghh...
I'll admit I almost cried at the validation I felt in your first post. As a "WAW" I get sick of the assumptions that I didn't care, didn't communicate, and getting lumped in with WW's.

When there is no A, it is my opinion that instead of vilifying without thought the spouse who walks, it might behoove one to find out WHY.

Of course, when there is affair it's different. But there ARE times when the WAS hastried long and hard and has nothing left.


Edited by herfuturesbright (03/24/14 09:20 PM)

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#341495 - 03/24/14 09:33 PM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: herfuturesbright]
Lil
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Registered: 08/30/10
Posts: 7334
Loc: Ness
I was a WAW in my first marriage, so I understand it entirely.

Men are a different sort of thing to me. Im not one, havent been one, and have no desire to become one. I do understand enought to get they dont think like I do and thats awesome. I also know that what floats their boat is different to a females and what riles them and winds them up is another kettle of fish again. Toss in the fact they respond differently and its a whole new avenue to explore and understand.
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#353937 - 07/03/14 01:31 AM Re: The Walkaway Husband [Re: Lil]
whatsupdoc?
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Registered: 06/18/14
Posts: 851
ok, so WAH, I got one.

Besides all the "normal" advice, detach, let go, 180, how do you handle the pressure to end the marriage?

Some say tough love, tho i have no idea what that entails. WAH are immune to threats.

mine has a hidden OW- wants quickie divorce (uncontested) to speed things along. How can you 180 someone who non stop badgers you for a divorce?

yes, there were issues, but the WAH part is about OW -- immediately started
"dating" her...
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