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In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? #226060
04/20/12 09:14 PM
04/20/12 09:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,431
Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Ness
I'm not there yet, but I am curious to have a peek into the future smile


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Lil] #226135
04/21/12 01:05 AM
04/21/12 01:05 AM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
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peppermint Offline
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peppermint  Offline
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Carolina Blue Heaven
Affair was in 1999-2000. I would say recovery began in late 2001, so we have been at it for more than 10 years. I would never have believed that things could be so good again. Of course we have arguments, but just normal stuff unrelated to the affair usually. We can talk about it openly and easily, my husband calls it his "stupid time", but we rarely feel the need to talk about it.

We are comfortable with each other again, we can feel the love for each other again, and it feels good to be together again. Life is good.

Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: peppermint] #226342
04/22/12 12:38 AM
04/22/12 12:38 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 272
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Marlowe Offline
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At five years out, I think about it a similar fashion as that time I broke my arm car surfing in traffic at the suggestion of my idiot friend.

Lessons learned:

1. Hurts no longer hurt.
2. Some activities are inherently stupid and should be avoided.
3. Some people's advice should not be weighted equivalently with what I know to be right for myself.

I don't hurt. I rarely think about my wife's affair as anything but a historical fact. Our marital dynamic has changed, I've learned to look at my wife differently than I did prior to her affair. Not all of those ways are flattering and that's okay.

Life goes on. I endure. The world is full of blessings...and my marriage is one of them, but not the sum total or even the most significant of them.

Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Marlowe] #226389
04/22/12 04:39 AM
04/22/12 04:39 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,063
SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline
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Mark1952  Offline
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SW Chicago 'burbs
It was 6 years ago this month that our marriage was spiraling out of control and appeared to be dead and ready for burial. D-day was 3 weeks from now in '06.

Scars still exist. The pain is gone, but the once unblemished relationship looks different than it might have if there had been no affair.

It's like that tree in our yard. The tree is gone, The stump is gone. The roots have either rotted away or have been dug out, burned and the ashes scattered. Yet as recently as today I was dropping grass seed onto the area where I still have a hard time getting the lawn to grow.

Is our marriage like it was the first year we were married? Not by a long shot. But it is more stable, more giving, more functional than it was for about 30 years...

Like Marlow mentioned, the affair is but a historical event, a crisis and threat to our relationship, that somehow we got through and came out of stronger, better equipped to deal with conflict and knowing how to protect each other.

I wish it hadn't happened. She wishes the same thing. Of course I wish I hadn't been laid off from work last July, hadn't developed pyoderma gangrenosum and didn't have to visit an oncologist to watch for cancer because the anomaly in my blood says I probably have it or will have it one day soon. I also wish the market hadn't crashed, our house hadn't lost so much of its value, that we hadn't wasted so much money over the years, and that I had been the one to win that 600 million bucks in the lottery not long ago...

How's it goin' for us?

Just fine, thanks.

Wish we'd worked that hard on it right after we got married while the PEA was still making us crazy. If we'd learned this stuff 35 years ago, life would have been a lot more fun...


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Mark1952] #226705
04/23/12 09:09 PM
04/23/12 09:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 103
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Laila Offline
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Laila  Offline
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Wow, I feel sad reading about how others are doing that far out. My story isn't so nice and it's been 7 years.

It's because there was never healing that took place together (as a couple). He refused to talk about it or to answer my questions about it. I can't believe it went on that way for so long but it did. He just wouldn't talk about it. As soon as 1 year post D-day, he was saying I should be getting over it and that maybe I needed to go to IC to work on it.

And so my pain is still fresh somehow. I'm stuck in time. It's not like an old wound for me.

This far out, I've lost so much respect and feelings for him and my resentment is huge. I kind of want out.

We finally started couples therapy a few weeks ago and I'm loving it. I have never felt so validated. I just hope it's not too late.

So Lil, I'm not a success story you can look forward to. But I've read some of your story before and I'm sure you're already on a much better course. I can see where a marriage could be stronger post recovery if things are done right. I do believe it and just wish it could have been the case for me.

My story is one reason this forum can be so helpful for those freshly in crisis. The first 1-2 years are so critical.


married 1998, me 42 him 45
him: infidelity 1998 & affair 2005
daughter 13, son 10
still together
Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Laila] #226742
04/24/12 12:59 AM
04/24/12 12:59 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,883
Gateway to the West
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Not2fun Offline
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Gateway to the West
{{{{{{Laila}}}}}}}

My heart and prayers for you......

And your story can be helpful, even if your recovery didn't start out well.....

Not2


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Not2fun] #226765
04/24/12 03:51 AM
04/24/12 03:51 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,431
Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Ness
Thankyou Peppermint, Marlow and Mark. Your stories are encouraging, not just to me, but to anyone starting out in recovery. Sometimes I feel I am not as far along in personal recovery as I should be, but I am pretty sure my actual marriage is recovered. Stuff like the above is reinforcing of that.

Laila hug I am so sorry. Please do know that even stories about less ideal recoveries (or the lack thereof) are still a source of consolation, in that it can show us what could be. Thank you for sharing with us.

So, thats 4. I think we have more members in the 5+ category. Well I hope so smile


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Lil] #226793
04/24/12 01:20 PM
04/24/12 01:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,330
Ace Offline
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Ace  Offline
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Posts: 3,330
I should knock on wood before I post this.

We are coming up on our 6th year after WH was secretly in touch with OW while I was out of town at a conference during our anniversary in 2006. (That night he let my calls go to voice-mail while having phone sex with OW.) D-Day 1 was about a month later and we had 3 more false recoveries over the next 6 months.

We spent months in weekly MC but decreased to once a month and eventually once a year whether we needed it or not (MC's idea).

For the previous 4 years, it seems like DH would get the urge to protect me (or protect himself) by intentionally miscommunicating (aka lying, gaslighting, telling mistruths, etc.) just before our anniversary. I would amazingly discover evidence of the untruth, confront him calmly (usually) and if we could not civilly discuss it, I'd merely ask him to call MC and make an appt. He'd try to wiggle out of it but I enforced my boundary of not discussing it beyond the impasse (when one or both of us became upset).

For the previous 4 years we saw MC to get help with challenges and subsequently all was well. 3 years ago we actually stopped to see MC on our way out to celebrate our anniversary. To be honest, I'd have to consult my journal to see what the most recent issue was and exactly when we saw last saw MC.

In spite of massive stress from work, family, job/retirement issues, amazingly we are doing well as we approach our not-quite-but-almost-40th wedding anniversary! :::Knock-On-Wood::: Hopefully this will be the first year we'll see MC with no specific reason.

MA is one reason we are doing so much better now but I am grateful that we were able to get a start towards recovery from cyber friends met via MB. Thanks for asking, Lil.

Ace

P.S. I am working on a post or thread (so far just a figment of my imagination) with details of our recovery rollercoaster ride and why it's possibly taking so long for us to reach a recovered status. One factor is my vivid memory for details which causes triggers - Mark's Memory thread has helped - and my DH's uncanny ability to forget, causing me to be resentful at times.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Lil] #227116
04/25/12 09:15 PM
04/25/12 09:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,392
right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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This time six years ago, H was just getting involved in his A. D-Day was in June, and he chose OW for a few more months after. Refused to even talk to me. I worked with Steve Harley and an IC during that time. By October, the A had lost its luster and H broke it off (our DS giving him what-for may have sped things up). OW did not go quietly, though, so more months of angst as she pulled every manipulation in the book.

The MB weekend was gruelling to sit through, we were SO disconnected. But it gave us the blueprint for the work we would do afterward. The followup lessons took us through every aspect of our demolished relationship, and we worked them hard. It took about a year and a half.

The whole experience was exhausting, draining, and stressful. I'm glad it's over.

Looking back, I'd say we've been recovered for about two years now. Our 43rd anniversary is in June, and we have much to celebrate. We have a much different, more connected and rewarding marriage now. There are twice as many grandchildren as before the A, and it is so gratifying to be enjoying them--and life--together. We cherish it deeply, probably because we came so close to losing it all.

Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: right here waiting] #227228
04/26/12 02:37 AM
04/26/12 02:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,431
Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Posts: 7,431
Ness
Thank you Ace and RHW.

I hope we get some more, this thread is so much more encouraging that I had even hoped! grin


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Lil] #229470
05/03/12 09:11 PM
05/03/12 09:11 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,080
SFB Offline
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Lil:

I am the luckiest man alive....

Even moreso than your Flick...

Discovering MB in Aug of 2005? Three days before D-Day?

Started a process of renewal for me and a complete reexamination of many things in my life.

Is my marriage better 6 years later? Absolutely.

I will point out that we can actually swim in our pool this weekend...

The pool represents the renewal of our marriage.

We took the leap to start building it a week after D-day, and being able to swim in it, with Flamingo, is a dream come true...

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: SFB] #244797
07/03/12 05:17 PM
07/03/12 05:17 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
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LovingAnyway  Offline
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Posts: 2,309
Colorado
We're seven years into recovery and eight from dual infidelity. Where once I charted the anniversaries month by month, now I'm just counting years, sometimes.

Our marriage is very different than it was before--by far better. Took a great marriage counselor, a lot of work and studying. Staying changed, too.

There's a different peace in it, too. There's no earning/deserving...more being and being with. I have no doubts I'm his choice, as he is mine. Daily.

I love reading these posts, Lil. Thank you very much for starting this thread.

LA





The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: LovingAnyway] #244817
07/03/12 07:27 PM
07/03/12 07:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 771
southern USA
at peace Offline
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We're many years out from the infidelities...nearly 16 years, actually. For those who don't know me, my H had an A with a co-worker in 1991(ish), then we both had affairs in late 1994. His continued as an EA (again, with a co-worker) until 1996. Yuck. We didn't seek much outside help for our recovery, but we patched things together and started over.

At roughly the 5 year mark, (late 2001) we hit a large snag in our recovery. H started the same routine of withdrawing from the marriage, family, and church, and began to focus more on work and work-related friends. That group of friends included a very aggressive "badge bunny." I recognized the signs early this time, before it really became anything. When I found out he'd lied to me re: something to do with said badge bimbo, I packed his suitcase, sat it by the front door, and told him to get to steppin'. I made it VERY clear that since he wasn't 100% committed to us, he was OUT. Calmly told him I was good financially, had plenty of family support, and would be super fine without him. I meant every word. The look on his face when he realized what he'd done...what he'd just lost...was amazing. He literally crumpled to his knees.

He begged for a chance to make things right. I reluctantly gave him that chance, making it clear I wasn't doing any of the heavy lifting of recovery this time. I'd done most of it before (twice), and simply didn't have the desire or strength to do it all again.

I found MB within weeks (or maybe a couple months) of this happening, which helped our recovery efforts tremendously. H made good on all of his promises, and then some. He once again became the man I married. No...better than that man, I think.

That was 11 years ago. At some point along the way we became just a plain 'ol married couple. The infidelity seems like it happened in another world to other people, almost. Well, aside from the invaluable lessons we learned about ourselves, each other, and how to be in a successful relationship. smile

That was a lot of information, lol, but I didn't want to gloss over how difficult it was, or how very worthwhile all the effort turned out to be.

Lori


"To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice."
wife...mom...nana...happy smile
Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: at peace] #244898
07/04/12 04:04 AM
07/04/12 04:04 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,330
Ace Offline
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Ace  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,330
Our 6th anniversary of D-Day 1 was 2-3 days ago......



.......and the best part is that I forgot all about it until I was posting on my blog yesterday.

grin

Ace

Last edited by Ace; 07/04/12 04:07 AM.

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: In Recovery 5 Years Plus. How's that Going For You? [Re: Ace] #244907
07/04/12 05:27 AM
07/04/12 05:27 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,431
Ness
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Posts: 7,431
Ness
thank you LA, atpeace and Ace. Every story uplifts me.

Quote:
At some point along the way we became just a plain 'ol married couple.


I LOVE this ^^^


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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