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"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... #22764
11/17/10 03:40 AM
11/17/10 03:40 AM
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rob x Offline OP
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So I find myself trying to get used to the nuances of this MA site, I've been posting on db forums for so long and now I find myself in this cream and light blue colored world you have over here and honestly find myself longing for that familiar red environment - but I digress from the topic at hand.

"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious...

I'm going to attempt to go over some basics and explain them so that those unfortunate LBS's that are suffering and drowning in their situations can start understanding their situations better and changing the behaviors that led them there to begin with.

My focus will be on the left behind husband dealing with a wayward wife but the advice can easily be used in situations with a wife dealing with a wayward husband.

Let us begin and feel free to ask some questions along the way.


Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22766
11/17/10 03:44 AM
11/17/10 03:44 AM
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Larry Offline
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Hey Rob - to digress, the first time I went to DB, I thought I had landed in a bowl of chili. I am looking forward to your discussion.

Last edited by Larry; 11/17/10 03:46 AM.

It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22767
11/17/10 03:46 AM
11/17/10 03:46 AM
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kimmie lee Offline
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Cool! And so good to see you here, robx.

I think one of the things that a lot of LBS think is that unless they pursue, they think the WAS will "forget" about them, or think they don't "love" them anymore.



THE FOG comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on....C. Sandburg


GOSH!!
GOLLY!!
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: kimmie lee] #22786
11/17/10 04:06 AM
11/17/10 04:06 AM
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Danf Offline
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Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
Cool! And so good to see you here, robx.

I think one of the things that a lot of LBS think is that unless they pursue, they think the WAS will "forget" about them, or think they don't "love" them anymore.



Right. Because I said a couple of mean things to her and have had no contact with her since our separation, except for kid related matters, does my WAW assume that our R is over? That I have no interest in reconciling with her? It's been 2.5 months. Do I need to extend an olive branch? What if she takes it and pokes me in the eye with it?

Sorry if this question is not in the vein you wanted your thread to take.

Thanks Rob!


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22787
11/17/10 04:07 AM
11/17/10 04:07 AM
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rob x Offline OP
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Being Needy, Clingy, Insecure:
Why this is bad for a husband dealing with a wayward wife...

Think about those things,
neediness, clingy, insecurity

I will try to add some imagery to these things for you so you get an idea of what they feel like to your wayward spouse when you are the left behind husband.

Neediness: very bad breath, halitosis, gum disease, black teeth, cavities

Clingy: horribly body odour, smelling like a combination of diarrhea, puke, armpit sweat, nauseous scalp odour

Insecurity: extremely over weight, poorly dressed, gut hanging over your belt, gitch pull up your backside, self imposed wedgie, basically looking like Rosie O'Donnell wearing a thong bikini.... mmmmm... yummy!!! LOL!

So when you're needy, clingy, insecure around a wayward spouse who has left you or is in the process of leaving you, you probably appear to them as extremely unattractive (use any combination of the imagery I supplied above in any of those areas to put together an image of yourself and how unattractive you are to them, down right repulsive)

Got the image in your mind? Good.

Don't be that person anymore,
it's disgusting.

Don't rationalize your behaviors with a broken heart, marriage vows, temporary insanity, etc. It doesn't matter to your wayward spouse and it shouldn't matter to you either.

Stop being a person that exhibits these behaviors,
you will be repulsive to your spouse, your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, strangers, etc.

When you cling to your spouse, your spouse will reject you.
It's a subconscious reaction, your spouse's self-defense mechanisms kick into auto pilot when you cling to them, and tells them REJECT you, REJECT ALL NEEDY things and people. The message their brain is communicating to them when you act cling towards your spouse is:

"They are NOT good for you,
They are a parasite,
They want to use you to make themselves feel better,
There is nothing in this for you, get away from them quickly!"

The wayward's brains may not use these words exactly but those are the thoughts being conveyed, I guarantee it and judging by the stories posts by the bulk of the LBS's on this site (left behind spouses), reality shows this to be true.

To be clingy, needy, insecure is to be WUSSY like aka show WUSS behavior. It's a technical term meaning MEN who don't act very masculine and actually act more feminine like then masculine.

Women don't like this behavior from Men, it turns them off.

Examples:

Talking to your WAW on the phone and she gives you a minute of her time, if that, sounds very bothered by having to talk to you on the phone and you continue dragging on a phone call that she doesn't want to participate in and then when she tells you she's going to hang up in a few seconds because she has better things to do, you reply "OK sure no problem, can I call you again in an hour please?"

Horrible, don't ever do that, and if you're that guy who calls his wayward wife repeatedly and regularly with this same style, smack yourself in the face because I can't reach over and do it, and then stop calling your wayward wife.

Another example, being so emotionally insecure after your wife has left you and feeling like you will never be able to find another woman, no woman would ever have you as a boyfriend or a husband. You will be alone for the rest of your life now that your wife has left you for another man.

Again, smack yourself in the face because I can't reach over and do it, and then stop obsessing over your wayward wife. If things turn out that you get divorced and she hooks up with another guy, so be it, consider it her loss and move on with your life. Consider this, there is only one of you and there are probably thousands of other women that live in your area (within 5-10km) that are probably just as good if not better than your wife is in every imaginable way.

Women are not attracted to insecure, needy, clingy guys,
the opposite is true, they are attracted to strong, secure, fun men who have a clue about women, who know and appreciate the difference between Men and Women, who know that women are attracted to Men who act like men, not Men who appear to act like women.

Don't be that guy with these horribly unattractive behaviors which end up making him look like like Rosie O'Donnell in a 2 piece thong bikini bathing suit. You don't want to be that guy, that guy will not have any chance of turning his marriage around and attracting his wife back.

Are you that guy right now?

Even if you are the insecure, needy, clingy guy...
Be honest, it's ok to be honest, in fact it's a requirement, being honest with yourself takes guts. Admitting you exhibit unattractive behaviors is the first step in changing them.

Questions, comments, feedback?
All welcome ;-)



Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: kimmie lee] #22788
11/17/10 04:08 AM
11/17/10 04:08 AM
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rob x Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
Cool! And so good to see you here, robx.

I think one of the things that a lot of LBS think is that unless they pursue, they think the WAS will "forget" about them, or think they don't "love" them anymore.



Well at least you admit it,
now let me ask you a question since you admitted this,
how well has this worked for you?
Pursing a WAS?
Has it worked?
Have they come back to you?

Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: Danf] #22789
11/17/10 04:09 AM
11/17/10 04:09 AM
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rob x Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Danf
Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
Cool! And so good to see you here, robx.

I think one of the things that a lot of LBS think is that unless they pursue, they think the WAS will "forget" about them, or think they don't "love" them anymore.



Right. Because I said a couple of mean things to her and have had no contact with her since our separation, except for kid related matters, does my WAW assume that our R is over? That I have no interest in reconciling with her? It's been 2.5 months. Do I need to extend an olive branch? What if she takes it and pokes me in the eye with it?

Sorry if this question is not in the vein you wanted your thread to take.

Thanks Rob!


What mean things did you say to her?

Dan refresh my memory on your sitch,
any infidelity involved on your part or hers?

Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22791
11/17/10 04:14 AM
11/17/10 04:14 AM
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Danf Offline
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I completely agree Robx. These were the behaviors exhibited initially when my W told me she was unhappy, wasn't in love with me and didn't want to be intimate with me. Even though she told me not to do these things and that they were not attractive, I couldn't help myself. 5 months later, she filed for D because she couldn't take it anymore. My actions drove her further away.

I have changed and am being strong now, but I have yet to see any changes in my W's attitude 4.5 months later. Keep pushing forward.

Thanks for your help!


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22794
11/17/10 04:17 AM
11/17/10 04:17 AM
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Belle96 Offline
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I am not a guy but I love this ! Makes sense and even helps me as a betrayed wife. I need all the help I can get right now so keep the info coming !!!!!

And I dated a wussy man once. All I can say is YUCK !!!!!!!! So great advice !


Me: 37
H: 39
DD: 3
Married 14 yrs
Dated: 5
Bomb 7/10
H's EA turned PA turned EA again.

Currently taking back control of my life.

When the pain of where you are becomes more than the fear of where you are going change will occur.
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22795
11/17/10 04:22 AM
11/17/10 04:22 AM
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rob x Offline OP
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Another point to add to this list of things that are counter intuitive:

Can you convince a woman (aka your walk away wife) to feel love and attraction with you by talking to her and reasoning with her?

"Wife we've been married for X number of years,
you vowed in a church to love me til death do us part,
we have our children to consider, our home, our family, our history - you need to stop this nonsense of being bent over and stuffed like a turkey by the OM you're having an affair with and come home to me and love me just like you did when we first got together! It's not fair to me what you're doing and remember this, I still love you so you should still love me!"

OK, granted you probably never said these exact words to your walk away wife but I'm guessing a fair amount of left behind husbands had some sort of conversations with their WAW's trying to convince them to love them again and give their marriage another try.

How well did it work?

How many were successful in this approach?

Don't life your hands up all at the same time ;-)

You cannot convince a woman to feel love & attraction for her husband especially when she is in WAW mode. Especially ESPECIALLY if she's having an affair with another man. You cannot convince anyone to have those types of feelings with you by using logic, supplicating them with gifts and dinners, money, doing extra chores around the house and being super nice while they are being SUPER horrible to you.

Read this paragraph again, get it in to your head,
it doesn't work, not now or ever, so stop doing what doesn't work.

I can't tell you how many stories I read where the LBH bends over backwards to convince his wife to love him again and do all these things, buying gifts, money, dinners, doings chores, favors, all while their wife is having an affair with another man.

Don't be this guy ever!

Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: Danf] #22800
11/17/10 04:28 AM
11/17/10 04:28 AM
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Danf Offline
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Well Rob, she told me the above in January and then started having at least an EA with a married man throughout the spring. Lots of phone calls and texts. Meet him at the bar. VERY sad when their plans fell through. OM's wife called me to let me know what was going on. I was needy, clingy all throughout the spring, until she filed in early June. The A ended shortly thereafter.

Told the kids we were getting D in early July. That night I told her I hated her and didn't even want to look at her. From then on I acted pretty disinterested and GAL. Told her things like if she didn't want to be with me and work on the R that I didn't want to waste my time living with her either. She should move out. Started pushing her on going back to work full-time and contributing more to the financial situation. Spent much time away from the house and trying not to react to her. Talked to many friends about the situation and revealed her A.

After Temporary Order hearing in Aug, I reiterated to her that I did not want this. We lived together until end of August when I agreed to move out of the house based on the terms of the temporary agreement. The day I left, I told her to have a happy life as she took my kids away so they wouldn't have to witness me moving. Since then I have been cordial, but only contact related to kids. She is very stressed out. I have kids 1/2 time.

I was recently advised to reach out to her because she probably wanted me to and probably thought I had no interest based on my words and actions.

Picked-up my kids on Wed and D9 told me that she eavesdropped on Mom and heard her talking about going on a date the prior week. Mom said she hated it, but it still kind of stung.

She got sick that night, so I asked her if there was anything I could do for her? No, but I brought her some soup anyway. That was last thursday. followed-up on Friday to see how she was feeling. Feeling ok. Not good enough to work, but good enough to divide our Christmas decorations. Talked with her on Sat during kids basketball events. Took kids to Bucks game that night. Took kids home on Sunday night. She offered me tacos for dinner. I accepted and stayed about 45 minutes chatting. On Monday, she called and said she could get 2 tickets to an upcoming packers football game and asked if I could watch the kids so that she could go to the game. I said I would. Olive branch in the eye!

She called tonight to ask me for directions to a local restaurant. She was already in the car and unable to look it up.

Reading His Needs Her Needs now and trying to figure out what to do next. That is the quick and dirty.


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22806
11/17/10 04:34 AM
11/17/10 04:34 AM
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Danf Offline
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Originally Posted By: rob x

I can't tell you how many stories I read where the LBH bends over backwards to convince his wife to love him again and do all these things, buying gifts, money, dinners, doings chores, favors, all while their wife is having an affair with another man.

Don't be this guy ever!


I am living proof! I did all this and just got shat on.

IT DOES NOT WORK!!! Get it through your head no matter how HARD it is. I was afraid of making her mad. DON'T BE. I was afraid that if I made her mad she would leave me and that I needed her to survive. SHE LEFT ANYWAY!!! And I don't NEED HER to survive either.

When you first get into this situation, it is ALMOST impossible to live by these rules and do these things, but they are a REQUIREMENT if you are to be successful. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY!

If only I could do it all over again. I wish I had found the DB site BEFORE my W filed for D. I read all the wrong books and did ALL the wrong things.

DOH!!!

Last edited by Danf; 11/17/10 04:35 AM.

Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: Danf] #22809
11/17/10 04:36 AM
11/17/10 04:36 AM
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rob x Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Danf
I completely agree Robx. These were the behaviors exhibited initially when my W told me she was unhappy, wasn't in love with me and didn't want to be intimate with me. Even though she told me not to do these things and that they were not attractive, I couldn't help myself. 5 months later, she filed for D because she couldn't take it anymore. My actions drove her further away.

I have changed and am being strong now, but I have yet to see any changes in my W's attitude 4.5 months later. Keep pushing forward.

Thanks for your help!


Dan of course those actions drove her away,
think about it.

In your situation:

"ILYBINILWY 1/3/10, EA/PA? discovered 5/15/10"

Let's look at the first part,
"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore"

loosely translated:
"I care about you but I'm not excited about you anymore,
that other guy excites the hell out of me, he's exciting and sexy and you are dull, boring and yesterday's news"

Guess what?
When she told you this the first time it was probably like getting hit upside the head with a sledgehammer.

"What do you mean you're not in love with me anymore?
I can change? I can do better? I can do more around the house? I can start taking you out more? And buying you more gifts and showing you more attention! I can make you feel that love for me again, I promise, just give me another chance, please!!!!"

See my first point on needy, insecury, clingy, wuss like behavior.

Think of tarzan swinging through the jungle.

I know, odd example, follow me though, there is a visual I'm trying to set up.

Swinging from vine to vine.

You got it pictured in your head now? Good.

So tarzan swings from vine to vine,
from one vine to the next,
he doesn't let go of the vine he is currently swinging on UNTIL he has a good grasp on the next vine. It would make no sense to let go of the perfectly good vine in his hand right now if he didn't have a good vine to grab on to.

Now back to this:
"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore"

So like many marriages, people have problems and issues but they somehow work through them. They have no reason not to somehow work through their issues, they're married, committed to each other UNTIL....

One of the spouses in the marriage chooses to break that commitment.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore"

Now think of Tarzan swinging through the jungle,
one vine to the next.

A spouse would have no reason not to work on their existing marriage/relationship unless they have a pretty strong hold on another possible relationship with someone else.

You feeling me on this?

When people say things like:
"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore"

It's usually when they're starting an affair with another person.

And when that happens, all of the begging, pleading, supplicating behavior in the world isn't going to convince them to love you again. They have let go of you (the old vine) because they have a firm grasp on a new vine (the new person in their life).



Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: Danf] #22820
11/17/10 04:56 AM
11/17/10 04:56 AM
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rob x Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Danf
...I was recently advised to reach out to her because she probably wanted me to and probably thought I had no interest based on my words and actions.

...she eavesdropped on Mom and heard her talking about going on a date the prior week. Mom said she hated it, but it still kind of stung.

She got sick that night, so I asked her if there was anything I could do for her? No, but I brought her some soup anyway. That was last thursday. followed-up on Friday to see how she was feeling. Feeling ok. Not good enough to work, but good enough to divide our Christmas decorations. Talked with her on Sat during kids basketball events. Took kids to Bucks game that night. Took kids home on Sunday night. She offered me tacos for dinner. I accepted and stayed about 45 minutes chatting. On Monday, she called and said she could get 2 tickets to an upcoming packers football game and asked if I could watch the kids so that she could go to the game. I said I would. Olive branch in the eye!

She called tonight to ask me for directions to a local restaurant. She was already in the car and unable to look it up.

Reading His Needs Her Needs now and trying to figure out what to do next. That is the quick and dirty.


That book will do you good when you're in a relationship,
right now, you aren't.

My advice would have been to ask her to move out,
I definitely wouldn't move out, I went through that in my own situation and I moved back home several months later and had my wife move out - if I had to do it all over again, I would have stayed and had her move out originally. Probably would have sped up the progress in my own situation at the time. Being strong works, being weak and conceding to every request they make while they're having an affair just lowers their opinion and concept of value that they place on you during this process.

I wouldn't be worried about her being stressed out,
if anything while she is stressed you need to appear as if life is great, fantastic, you are a million bucks, couldn't be better, this was the best thing that could happen to you - you've had an awakening, you almost feel dumb for not opening your eyes previous to this. I don't know who advised you to reach out to her but you can stop that at anytime. As you can see it didn't do anything and you didn't achieve any success with that strategy.

She's stressed out,
can't work
but she can go out on dates?!

And you feel bad for her because she feels sick?
You bring her soup no less?!
WTF?
Get out of the friend zone, you don't want to be there.

So she gets 2 tickets to the football game,
doesn't invite you but asks you to babysit the kids so that she can go with her "friend".
Nice!
What was it I said about the friend zone? ;-)
Seriously bro, if you find out that you've been babysitting for her so that she can go out on dates with other men, you will seriously be sick - you don't want to be that guy, EVER!

And she calls you asking for directions to a restaurant while she is driving there and unable to look it up,
hmmmm.... friend zone anyone?

Would you like to know that she was probably having dinner with a "friend" at said restaurant?

Stop pulling this nice guy routine,
it won't work now or ever.

You need to:
- stop being her "friend"
- stop being her "babysitter"
- stop bringing her soup when she feels sick, that's something you can do for her or another woman that you're in a relationship with but not before that and certainly not when you're separated from your wife who is dating other men, c'mon bro, this isn't rocket science!
- stop reaching out to her, it was bad advice: think about it, you are pursuing your wife who you have discovered had an affair, she cheating on you, the extent of which you don't know but this is all fact right now. What kind of message does that convey to her? I will reward your crap behavior with my love and attention regardless if you treat me poorly and disrespect me? Do you really believe that would make her fall in love with you again and come back to you and reconcile with you? If you believe this, stop it! It won't work like this.

You need to start dating other women,
I'm not telling you to hump the first skirt you come in contact with but I am telling you to get your confidence back and learn how to start acting like a man that attracts women and you will learn that by interacting socially with other women. Go on dates, it's ok, it's not against the law, especially when your wife has been doing it for quite some time now.

Start looking good and feeling even better.

Ask her to baby sit for you,
a week in advance (not longer, not shorter)
on a friday evening (or whatever evening),
ask her to come to your place,
don't drop off the kids. When she comes over,
you will be going out and looking good, smelling good, the whole bit. She doesn't have to know where you're going, just going out, and if there is an emergency, she can call your cell. Other than that, you will be back by 11pm'ish (and come back an hour later than that)

And that's how it begins. ;-)

Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22821
11/17/10 04:59 AM
11/17/10 04:59 AM
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I told you guys this guy was goooood. smirk whistle

Puppy


Drink the koffee, not the Kool-Aid.
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22822
11/17/10 05:00 AM
11/17/10 05:00 AM
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rockedworld Offline
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Well here's a female perspective to back you up Rob.

Last year my H was the WAH, I was the LBS... he had an A. I busted the A, we were in piecing.... then he resumed contact with OW.

I found my self respect, moved the kids and I out and am GALing, loving life and in contact with H only related to kids and finances.

Well wouldn't you know it... the single life is not so rosey to him anymore.

Now he starts talking reconciliation. He started to cry, beg, phone, plead etc.

Guess what?

I am TURNED OFF.

YUCK.

This man I loved all these years and was desperate to keep last year now repulses me.

Why? Because that is not the kind of man I need.

If he instead took ACTION... if he were LEADING... I might take a second look.

If he started showing me he was willing to do what it would take to save this M, if he took leadership with the finances, if he took initiative with the kids, if he was strong and confident... who knows? He would still have a lot of work to do to earn my trust again, but who knows?

Hope that helps!


"In every space opened when what we want gets away, a deeper place is cleared in which the mysteries can sing." Mark Nepo
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: Puppy Dog Tails] #22825
11/17/10 05:02 AM
11/17/10 05:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
rob x Offline OP
Member
rob x  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

I told you guys this guy was goooood. smirk whistle

Puppy


LOL!

Bro as always, you are too good to me!

Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22826
11/17/10 05:03 AM
11/17/10 05:03 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 357
Texas
40andsadintexas Offline
Member
40andsadintexas  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 357
Texas
You tell them rob. That almost makes me want to play mind games with my stbex. Not I just want out. But I loved your vine to vine analogy that was great.


M40, W 37
M 11 1/2 y
T 13 y
D filed 5-18-10
S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10
Counter sued for d 6-16-10
OM2 discovered 8-10-10
OM3, OM4
4 kids 10, 7, & 4
D date 10-14-10
http://tiny.cc/mxzct
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rockedworld] #22827
11/17/10 05:07 AM
11/17/10 05:07 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
rob x Offline OP
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rob x  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
Well here's a female perspective to back you up Rob.

Last year my H was the WAH, I was the LBS... he had an A. I busted the A, we were in piecing.... then he resumed contact with OW.

I found my self respect, moved the kids and I out and am GALing, loving life and in contact with H only related to kids and finances.

Well wouldn't you know it... the single life is not so rosey to him anymore.

Now he starts talking reconciliation. He started to cry, beg, phone, plead etc.

Guess what?

I am TURNED OFF.

YUCK.


This man I loved all these years and was desperate to keep last year now repulses me.

Why? Because that is not the kind of man I need.

If he instead took ACTION... if he were LEADING... I might take a second look.

If he started showing me he was willing to do what it would take to save this M, if he took leadership with the finances, if he took initiative with the kids, if he was strong and confident... who knows? He would still have a lot of work to do to earn my trust again, but who knows?

Hope that helps!


Guys, READ THIS!

Previously a left behind wife,
rockedworld finally realized her self-value, self-respect and let go of her walk away spouse.

Let go of a person that doesn't value you or the relationship they have with you. Doing anything other than this communicates that you will settle for crap behavior, communicates that you are low value and they are high value, communicates that you have nothing going for you and will take whatever you're given.

Observe reality,
reality works,
reality doesn't lie,
reality is... reality.

She gives up finally on her husband,
lets go of him,
moves on with her life,
guess what, husband's affair doesn't work out,
however RW respects herself enough to let go of the person that didn't value her or the marriage he had with her.

She rejects him, she doesn't want him.

She changes positions,
previously the left behind spouse,
now the walk away spouse sans affair.

That is reality, reality works.

Now he is the one begging and pleading with her to take him back and work on the marriage, and what did she she say about that:

"YUCK!"

Read my original first few posts in this thread,
it turns a woman off when a man is needy, insecure and clingy.

Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22842
11/17/10 05:31 AM
11/17/10 05:31 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
WI
Danf Offline
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Danf  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
WI
Originally Posted By: rob x

My advice would have been to ask her to move out.

I did ask her to move out, multiple times. She wouldn't leave, no matter what I said or did. My attorney advised me to agree to their proposal for the temporary order so that I would ensure myself shared placement of the kids during the temporary period.

Originally Posted By: rob x

I wouldn't be worried about her being stressed out,
if anything while she is stressed you need to appear as if life is great, fantastic, you are a million bucks, couldn't be better, this was the best thing that could happen to you - you've had an awakening, you almost feel dumb for not opening your eyes previous to this.

I've been doing this. Took a trip to Europe for a week. I go out a lot. I talk about fun things with other parents when I am around her. I take the kids to do fun things and send her pictures. I am trying.


Originally Posted By: rob x

I don't know who advised you to reach out to her but you can stop that at anytime.

Former WAW's gave me this advice.

Originally Posted By: rob x

Get out of the friend zone, you don't want to be there.

Right, this was my reaction also that I posted on my thread. Thanks for backing me up on this one.
Originally Posted By: rob x

And she calls you asking for directions to a restaurant while she is driving there and unable to look it up,
hmmmm.... friend zone anyone?

Would you like to know that she was probably having dinner with a "friend" at said restaurant?

No, she was with the kids for dinner, but I agree with your points.

Originally Posted By: rob x

Stop pulling this nice guy routine,
it won't work now or ever.


Originally Posted By: rob x

- stop reaching out to her, it was bad advice:


Originally Posted By: rob x
You need to start dating other women,
I'm not telling you to hump the first skirt you come in contact with but I am telling you to get your confidence back and learn how to start acting like a man that attracts women


Thanks for the MAN check! We'll see how it goes.

Oh, and I am moving into a $1.2 million house in a few weeks too!!! Hopefully that pisses her off too.

Last edited by Danf; 11/17/10 05:34 AM.

Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: Danf] #22845
11/17/10 05:38 AM
11/17/10 05:38 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 357
Texas
40andsadintexas Offline
Member
40andsadintexas  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 357
Texas
Go have fun with the kids but quit sending her pics. You send pics to friends not waw


M40, W 37
M 11 1/2 y
T 13 y
D filed 5-18-10
S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10
Counter sued for d 6-16-10
OM2 discovered 8-10-10
OM3, OM4
4 kids 10, 7, & 4
D date 10-14-10
http://tiny.cc/mxzct
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: 40andsadintexas] #22846
11/17/10 05:42 AM
11/17/10 05:42 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
WI
Danf Offline
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Danf  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,593
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Pics are to meet her Family Commitment need. She will see me having fun with the kids and be sad she isn't there with us. It is a 180 of mine that she needs to see. Make her regret her decision. This was one of her big complaints that was valid pre A.


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: Danf] #22855
11/17/10 06:09 AM
11/17/10 06:09 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
rob x Offline OP
Member
rob x  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted By: Danf
Pics are to meet her Family Commitment need. She will see me having fun with the kids and be sad she isn't there with us. It is a 180 of mine that she needs to see. Make her regret her decision. This was one of her big complaints that was valid pre A.


Stop yourself right there,
catch yourself while you're doing it....

meeting her need.

Letting her go and living a great life for yourself,
there are no requirements anymore to meet any of her "needs",
while you were in a committed relationship with her,
she had the right to ask for certain needs to be met but not anymore.

She gave up that right when she had an affair.

You no longer have to meet any needs.

You may be right,
it is a 180 for you to be involved and committed to your family, but that is for YOUR benefit, not for hers.

Let go of the need to send her any pics.

Take a million pics or more if you want,
but they are for you,
not for her,
she now knows you are having fun with the kids,
stop sharing that with her via the photos.

She can just assume it,
along with assuming many other things.

You don't have to make her regret her decision,
in fact showing pics to make her regret her decision is like you trying to make her regret it when in the end you want her to regret it all on her own, without ANY assistance from you.
That is when the true regret will surface,
when she sees you no longer care enough to share those photos with her, that you will live a great life without her.

Crisis and true fear of loss can only happen in environments where true absense of one partner exists. If you're there even partially, she can't feel your lose. Sharing photos with her still puts you there.

Stop sending her photos for several weeks but continue to take as many as you can for your benefit.

You will know that she misses them when she says something like "I haven't seen photos of you guys in a while...."

She could have as many complaints as possible before she had an affair and all of them could have been valid,
now that she's had an affair,
none of them matter.

You place all of her complaints about you on a scale and then put one affair that she's had on the other end and her action will always outweigh every complaint she had previous to the affair.

You need to start looking at it that way,
remember this: you don't need to be an a$$hole or a [Bleep!] to her but you do need to realize your value and self-worth, proving yourself to someone who had an affair and cheated on you, makes no sense, so stop doing it.

When you stop doing it and create some real space between you, start dating other women, embrace your single life and move on and leave her behind, watch her fill that space/void between the two of you. Let her pursue you, not the other way around and make her work for it, don't be easy, be a challenge!

Being a challenge is the most powerful thing you can do to separate yourself from other men in her eyes and any other women for that matter.

Check out these forums, do some people watching in your neck of the woods, observe human behavior, most guys are easy. Because of this, women like your wife know that they can probably get a man when they want. Initially in your situation, you confirmed you did begging, pleading, chasing, pursuing and all that "great" stuff to get your wife back. Were you considered easy or challenging at that point if she wanted to get you back? How about now? Does she still know she can get you back if she wants you? Don't discount this knowledge, it's a great advantage to have. I wish most left behind husbands would understand this point. Be challenging, don't be conquered. The attitude to have is "you had me when we were married, you cheated on me, you screwed up, now you can't have me anymore" and then date other women, follow up that attitude with a dose of reality and watch your wife change her tune. Women want Men that are challenging, that aren't easy, that they can't have easily, that other women want. Women don't want Men that chase them, that are insecure, clingy, needy and easy.

Make the decision as to the kind of man you want to be and then start doing the things that enable that in your life.

Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22856
11/17/10 06:15 AM
11/17/10 06:15 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,744
SEATTLE, WA
kimmie lee Offline
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kimmie lee  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,744
SEATTLE, WA
Originally Posted By: rob x
Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
Cool! And so good to see you here, robx.

I think one of the things that a lot of LBS think is that unless they pursue, they think the WAS will "forget" about them, or think they don't "love" them anymore.



Well at least you admit it,
now let me ask you a question since you admitted this,
how well has this worked for you?
Pursing a WAS?
Has it worked?
Have they come back to you?


Oh, it was just things I've seen porters say. i don't think this way.


THE FOG comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on....C. Sandburg


GOSH!!
GOLLY!!
Re: "Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... [Re: rob x] #22857
11/17/10 06:16 AM
11/17/10 06:16 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 357
Texas
40andsadintexas Offline
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40andsadintexas  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 357
Texas
Dan this was my thoughts on the subject rob just says it so much better.


M40, W 37
M 11 1/2 y
T 13 y
D filed 5-18-10
S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10
Counter sued for d 6-16-10
OM2 discovered 8-10-10
OM3, OM4
4 kids 10, 7, & 4
D date 10-14-10
http://tiny.cc/mxzct
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