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I'm learning to talk
#11923
10/19/10 04:23 AM
10/19/10 04:23 AM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,451
catperson
OP
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,451
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I figured this was as good a time to start as ever. October 31 is my mom's birthday. She would have been 79. But she died in January. At the same time that I got banned from MB. Several people tried to help me at the time, urged me to go back to MB, beg for forgiveness, just to be able to continue there. I said no. But I was so alone.
Nine months later, I still cry when I think of my mom. I had never realized that, without her, I was utterly alone. I lost my childhood friends, and I avoided any potential new friends. I never really even maintained friendship with my mom, until the last year of her life, when I finally felt safe to tell her the truth about my life. Then she died.
I have never felt so utterly alone as I have this year. As much as I have distanced myself from people in my adulthood, I always felt I had a 'rebound' place - my mom. The one person who loved me no matter what. I never really told her the truth until the last year or so, but I was so thrilled to find out she was not judging me, as I had felt she had all my life. She just wanted me to stop hurting.
Tonight...DH came home from a meeting and told me all about it...I listened, I was supportive, and then I mentioned what I thought about it...and he grabbed the remote control and turned up the volume and commented about the tv show.
Ordinarily, I would have just turned off and said nothing. As I have all my life. As I was trained to do. Quit expecting anything for myself.
Today, in pain for my missing mom, alone, I got up and left the room and went to sit in the living room. When he noticed, he asked what I was doing, and I finally did what you guys have been urging me to do for years - I told him the truth: "I listened to you when you came home. But as soon as I said what I thought about the situation, you interrupted me and turned up the volume and commented about the tv show. It's embarrassing to know that your husband isn't interested in what you have to say. So I left the room, because I didn't want to be in the same room with you."
He later apologized, and helped me with matching socks and folding towels - his way of apologizing. AND he actually said "I can see how what I did was wrong; it was wrong for me to turn up the volume when you were talking."
Everything at its own pace.
Last edited by catperson; 10/19/10 02:22 PM. Reason: spelling
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Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: catperson]
#11974
10/19/10 03:00 PM
10/19/10 03:00 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,728
NewEveryDay
Advocate
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Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,728
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He treats me this way because I let him and never said anything. My H didn't treat me and the kids like chopped liver because of our poor boundaries. He alone chose his behavior. When my mom remarried, and saw her H beat us, she went from time-outs, to beating us, with a belt, too. That was her choice. I know I could have likewise started treating my ODD worse when my H did, because she wasn't old enough to stick up for herself. I chose to protect her, not mistreat her. I wasn't successful in protecting her from everything, and she later says she had felt neglected, but I learned about myself that given the opportunity, I will not start laying into someone, just because the opportunity is there.
"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
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Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: NewEveryDay]
#11978
10/19/10 03:34 PM
10/19/10 03:34 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,451
catperson
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Posts: 20,451
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Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: silentlucidity]
#12011
10/19/10 05:44 PM
10/19/10 05:44 PM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
soolee
Member
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
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((Cat)) You know how I feel about what went down over there. I could go on about it, but it fires me up. I didn't want you to apologize as much as I wanted you to continue with the ability to help people who needed to hear what you had to say. I thought it was good for them and good for you too. From your first post over there, I knew you were special and had a lot to contribute.
I still have my mother, but it's a small miracle in itself. She's had heart issues since the age of 12, and I lost count of the hospitalizations and surgeries over the years. Even younger cousins of mine lost their mother last month after a brief but tragic illness, and it humbles me so much - because I know how tenuous life can be, and the fact that at age 47 I still have her, makes me so grateful.
Anyway...I am so, so glad we all found this place or were led here, aren't you? We have a new home now, and we can continue learning from each other.
I can relate to your marriage in many ways too, and you're doing well Cat...I've gotten beyond thinking that 'someday' I'll have the ideal marriage. I've learned not to project like that. I work to get through the day, and during that day, I strive to listen more and try to at least not do damage (I know - stop chuckling - it's true). I figure if I don't make it worse, I'm doing A-okay. In the long term, I hope to do better, but I've also come to realize that as individuals our capacity to have that 'ideal' marriage is half contingent on another person's involvement in that effort as well.
So...for what it is worth, my friend, I am glad we're here, and I look forward to reading more of your posts.
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Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: soolee]
#12015
10/19/10 05:57 PM
10/19/10 05:57 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,451
catperson
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Posts: 20,451
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Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: catperson]
#13869
10/26/10 02:51 AM
10/26/10 02:51 AM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,451
catperson
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,451
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I had therapy today. Got it down to...I don't know how to just 'be' for myself. I told therapist about how, when I hear DH drive up, I jump up from the bed, hide the computer, and pretend to be working...because I don't believe I have the right to down time unless everything is done. How I was raised. She asked me to envision her coming home from a week of vacation, and just putting her suitcase down. She asked me to give a reason why she wouldn't just start washing her packed dirty clothes as soon as she got home, even at 11pm. I said, if something else needs to be done, and...well, I couldn't think of anything else. She kind of laughed and said, you can't think of ANY other reason not to do the laundry the night you come home? I said no. She said, what about 'you don't feel like it' or 'you're tired' or 'you'll get to it next weekend' or 'you feel like finishing the book you were reading on vacation first.' I told her I just can't think that way - I've been 'taking care of' things my whole life, and there IS no 'I'll just relax first.' I don't know how to do that.
So my homework this month is to stop jumping up and pretending to be working if husband comes home - to just SHOW him that I feel like relaxing for an hour a day. And also to find other ways, 3 or 4 times a week, to do something just for me, even if everything else never gets done.
That is gonna be hard.
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Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: Misty]
#14022
10/26/10 07:52 PM
10/26/10 07:52 PM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791 Surface of the sun
silentlucidity
Member
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Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791
Surface of the sun
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If I did not take that nap, I would be foggy headed and not paying attention when he talked to me, which he would interpret as a LB. I would have a crummy rest of the day and would not get much done anyway. I have known lots of people who need at least a quiet break during the day, and many reports say that a short nap (15-20 minutes) daily is really good for you even helping to boost the immune system. Perhaps you could discuss this with your H, asking if he enjoys when you are alert, and productive when he arrives home. Also, is it the actual NAP that is a LB? Is it his perception of what a nap says about someone, anyone? I understand the guilt, and I have to work daily to combat it. Much of the time, it is me putting the pressure on myself, and my perceptions of what others think of my progress. I like to please others, but not above my own health. For me, right now, it's about keeping my home clean and keeping up with the job search. Some days I get tired of searching and don't do it. I tend to kick myself for not making the effort.
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